I'm In Quite An Emotional Pickle
moultano
Creator of ns_shiva. Join Date: 2002-12-14 Member: 10806Members, NS1 Playtester, Contributor, Constellation, NS2 Playtester, Squad Five Blue, Reinforced - Shadow, WC 2013 - Gold, NS2 Community Developer, Pistachionauts
Creator of ns_shiva. Join Date: 2002-12-14 Member: 10806Members, NS1 Playtester, Contributor, Constellation, NS2 Playtester, Squad Five Blue, Reinforced - Shadow, WC 2013 - Gold, NS2 Community Developer, Pistachionauts
in Off-Topic
<div class="IPBDescription">does anyone know a good way . . .</div> . . . to get a girl out of your head?
First to get some terms out of the way to make this cleaner to explain, my best friend's name is Jayant, and the subject of this story is a girl named Kathryn.
Jayant dated Kathryn briefly in high school. I knew her mostly by association, but we never really talked much. For a while at the beginning of the summer neither of us had many friends in town, so we started getting together and hanging out. In our first encounter we went out for chili, and immediately connected on a pretty personal level. We went together a week later to an awesome party in an industrial sector of town, and danced wildly on the concrete to a bluegrass band. We went to see Spiderman 2 (thoroughly awesome btw, I giggled with glee the entire time) and talked afterwards late into the night about things that we haven't shared with many other people. Yesterday, we went to a lake and went swimming with a group of her friends, then came back to the city and walked along a train track through a beautiful park for an hour or so. We went out for Thai food, flirted a bit, then went back to her house and watched Alien in her living room, which she thoroughly enjoyed. I left her house at 3:00 last night.
Now, on to the problems.
Jayant has said explicitly that he wouldn't be cool with me getting involved with her. Whatever I decide, I'm going to tell him everything I've been thinking, and I will probably be able to convince him, but it still sucks. Additionally, anything that happens with her is probably going to be very short-lived. Both of us are going back to school in the fall. I've tried long-distance before and I don't want to do it again. I don't want to be attached to anyone when I go back to Pittsburgh. On top of all of this, she is going to be interning at a farm for the rest of the summer and will only be home on the weekends. She is also becoming too good of a friend to take chances with.
Everything logical points to me not getting involved with her, but I can’t get her out of my head. This girl is absolutely gorgeous, and I can say that objectively too, since even before I had met her I thought she was one of the most attractive girls I had ever seen. I might regain my composure once I get more sleep, but damn, I am absolutely useless right now.
Help!!
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First to get some terms out of the way to make this cleaner to explain, my best friend's name is Jayant, and the subject of this story is a girl named Kathryn.
Jayant dated Kathryn briefly in high school. I knew her mostly by association, but we never really talked much. For a while at the beginning of the summer neither of us had many friends in town, so we started getting together and hanging out. In our first encounter we went out for chili, and immediately connected on a pretty personal level. We went together a week later to an awesome party in an industrial sector of town, and danced wildly on the concrete to a bluegrass band. We went to see Spiderman 2 (thoroughly awesome btw, I giggled with glee the entire time) and talked afterwards late into the night about things that we haven't shared with many other people. Yesterday, we went to a lake and went swimming with a group of her friends, then came back to the city and walked along a train track through a beautiful park for an hour or so. We went out for Thai food, flirted a bit, then went back to her house and watched Alien in her living room, which she thoroughly enjoyed. I left her house at 3:00 last night.
Now, on to the problems.
Jayant has said explicitly that he wouldn't be cool with me getting involved with her. Whatever I decide, I'm going to tell him everything I've been thinking, and I will probably be able to convince him, but it still sucks. Additionally, anything that happens with her is probably going to be very short-lived. Both of us are going back to school in the fall. I've tried long-distance before and I don't want to do it again. I don't want to be attached to anyone when I go back to Pittsburgh. On top of all of this, she is going to be interning at a farm for the rest of the summer and will only be home on the weekends. She is also becoming too good of a friend to take chances with.
Everything logical points to me not getting involved with her, but I can’t get her out of my head. This girl is absolutely gorgeous, and I can say that objectively too, since even before I had met her I thought she was one of the most attractive girls I had ever seen. I might regain my composure once I get more sleep, but damn, I am absolutely useless right now.
Help!!
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Comments
also, confirm the specific reasons you're so torn over this are (in order from most important)
1) possibility of short-lived togetherness/long-distance relationship
2) desire to keep this girl as a friend for a while after you distance
3) this douchey guy who's being all jealous
is that about right?
if so, i say just go with it.. you've probably heard and read all the crap about "coulda/shoulda/woulda" and "never know until you try".. it's all true. i'm sure i don't need to tell you that.
plus, she's not just personality, either.. she's gorgeous.. you two have chemistry.. there are obvious vibes.. explore it, i say. if she's sweet and kind etc., she'll understand when you have to split, and if you want to maintain a romantic connection, it should be easy.. and if not, the split shouldn't be TOO bad.
there'll be hurt, whether or not you pursue this opportunity. you can decide whether it'll be hurt from a short but spectacular romp with a great person, or a wallowing, depressive, linkin park "I TRIED SO HAAARD" hurt.
I don't think there is a way to just forget about this girl, short of finding someone who you like better who is a good option. If you don't trust yourself with her, you should probably just avoid her until your at very least a whole lot more collected about the issue. I would maby talk to her, and explain more or less what your going through (I am in no way responsible for unforseen consequences resulting from this action), at least if you do that, you can say she manipulated you if something ends up happening (on second though this is still a very risky deal). Other than that, there isn't alot you can do... Talk to your friend, if he cares about her maby he'll come up with something I can't, he certianlly knows you alot better than I do <!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif' /><!--endemo-->
and OMG don't even concern yourself with the other guy.. it's so sorry to be jealous about an ex's new people.. bleargh.. (unless cheating is involved?)
The guy is his best friend, who will probably be extreamly **** off if moult screws around with his girlfriend.
[edit] reading through that again, why on earth does this guy care if you're seeing this girl? It's not like he's still involved with her. If they both honestly still are a thing make them both say it, otherwize he can't dictate the nature of her relationships in the future, its her choice entirely. If it is just a deal with him being stiff, talk to him at lenght, make him play his hand, with enough time there is a good chance that you can make him see it your way. Just don't do anthing that will make rational dicussion in the future impossible, at least until you know why he won't be cool with a relationship between you two.
rofl
rofl <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
Ya, your more or less right acctually, read my edit.
She and Jayant aren't involved romantically at all at the moment, and to be honest Jayant is the factor I'm least worried about. They dated for a few months 2 years ago, and it was interleaved with two periods of one of his other relationships. Jayant is a pretty rational guy, and we both have eachothers best interests in mind at all times. Actually, we agreed that if one of us was the opposite sex, we'd probably get married. That said, he gets home from Chicago soon, so I will be able to provide more detail after I talk to him about this. He just has a thing about his friends dating his exes.
Maby this is just the boose talking, but I don't think guy freinds are supposed to make those kinds of agreements <!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif' /><!--endemo-->
[edit] ok, reading through the whole thing, you just killed the only factor I was basing my argument apon. I would say its better to risk getting into a long distance relationship for the sake of having a relationship then not. Just talk about it with her, the worst thing that can happen is that you break up in a couple of months, it will hurt, but at least you will always know where you stood and never wonder if it could have been more.
Anyway, it's entirely your decision, either you care alot about the girl, date her, etc.. or you dont and you do whatever you sort of people like to do <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif' /><!--endemo-->
this is what the professionals have to say (excerpted from the hilarious but practical and accurate <i>Nerve's Guide to Sex Etiquette</i> by Em and Lo):
<!--QuoteBegin--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--><b>Dating the Floor Model</b>
It is offending against good taste as well as common sense to woo a friend's ex. But sometimes, gentle readers, Cupid deigns to shoot an arrow through the heart of good taste and common sense...
In all cases, one must wait until at least six months have passed (or closure has been reached, whichever takes longer), no matter how brief the initial relationship. If it is worth breaking protocol for, then it is worth waiting half a year for... it is necessary to first announce your intentions to your friend, though you should not ask <i>permission</i> if you are not prepared to accept a "<i>mais non!</i>!" Next, though we would not be so presumptuous as to speak on Cupid's behalf, we would venture that even that little munchkin would not be so mischievous as to cause you to fall for the jackhole who put your very best friend's heart through the blender late last autumn. In such a case, we would strongly advise you to wait out the crush at least a year and do everything in your power to avoid said ex. Be wary, gentle readers, of mistaking a star-crossed notion in that your union is "impossible!" for true love. If you decide to proceed, we cannot, in good faith, give you any advice lest we give the impression of condoning such behavior. Finally, it is usually acceptable to date a friend's former booty call - one has agreeable insight into matters of salacity, but emotionally, the model should barely be worn."<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
holy crap, TWO YEARS???
omg.. scratch that reason rofl
I was in a in many ways comparable situation earlier this year, but when the girl and I got to talk it through, we realized that both did not want a relationship for rational(ish) reasons. It worked out quite well.
From what you wrote, it seems that she could have a whole lot of reasons going against a serious relationship, as well - and it's by far easier to stay close without of tumbling into uncomfortability once both know where they stand.
Issue #2: if you don't want a long-distance relationship, then what you don't want is a long-<i>term</i> relationship. Last summer I found myself in an interesting situation - I had no interest in getting involved in a serious relationship, which was a first for me. I did, however, flirt outrageously on two occasions and attract (and return) the affections of two different girls. At the time, I told them right up front: "I have a fantastic time with you, I really enjoy doing things with you, but I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now. If you're not ok with that, then we should probably just stick to friendship."
Frankly, it worked out perfectly in each of the two pseudo-relationships, and I'm still good friends with both girls. The key is making sure that you both know where each of you stands, and that you are in agreement. If you find yourself straying from what you stated to be your original intent, you need to tell her that and make sure that the two of you are on the same page at all times.
______
If you really want to get her out of your head... from experience, the only absolute way to do it is to stop interacting with her. Period. No phone, no email, no IM, no anything -- don't even have her contact information on your AIM list or in your email address book or <i>anything</i>. Remove all trace of her from your life.
The first girl I ever loved has been what you might call a recurring figure in my life ever since we first dated, and when I realized that missing her was making me miserable I told her I couldn't talk to her anymore. We just recently started talking again after more than a year of zero communication whatsoever. I'm still not sure I'm completely over her.
so yeah, just wing it <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif' /><!--endemo--> if you just keep her as a friend, that's cool. if you start seeing her as "more than a friend," that's cool too. if, against your better judgement, you wound up in a long-distance relationship with her, who knows, maybe it'd be better than the long-distance relationship you had a bad experience with... or, maybe the relationship would just fade away when the summer ended... you can't predict it, you can't control it, so just go with the flow...
the only concrete thing I have to say is that your friend shouldn't be involved if he and she didn't stay together :>
I was in a in many ways comparable situation earlier this year, but when the girl and I got to talk it through, we realized that both did not want a relationship for rational(ish) reasons. It worked out quite well.
From what you wrote, it seems that she could have a whole lot of reasons going against a serious relationship, as well - and it's by far easier to stay close without of tumbling into uncomfortability once both know where they stand. <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
!!!!!!!!!!!!
could this mean that nem0 is semi-human after all??
/me is confused
Don't ever say that sentence again.
How bout that for my 2 cents, eh?!!
No really.
Do not associate with this girl in that manner. Sooner or later someone is undoubtedly going to get their heart's smashed, and you wouldn't want that to be you. Plus there is the double edged sword; if you fall for her, then you lose a potentially worthy friend; after the whole debacle, there is a high chance that this current fling you have going on is on the destined to end. Tattered ends will split, and life rolls on.
Talk to your friend.
Short version:
AEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Long version:
I talked to Jayant after he got back from chicago (several weeks ago) for quite a while about this. It was not a very comfortable conversation. What ended up coming out about it is that he probably would be bothered, but I should just see what happens. However, his assessment was that she probably wasn't interested. After this I decided to just can the idea and let my feelings peter out over time.
I was pretty successful at this over the weeks. Kathryn and I hung out a few times. The three of us hung out a few times, and while there was a little awkwardness, I had pretty much gotten over her.
Then came last night. I stopped by Kathryn's house pretty late to borrow the second and third Harry Potter books before she goes back to the farm for the week. We sat on her front porch and talked for a while. It was a really nice cool night, raining intermittently and pitter pattering on the awning. In a lull in the conversation, she abruptly said, "Ryan, I've had a crush on you all summer." <cue nervous head rush>
In the subsequent discussion we ended up agreeing that it was probably a bad idea to get involved, but also a damn shame that we couldn't give it a shot. We talked long into the night and all of the awkwardness that had previously stuck out in our conversations dissipated. We sketched eachother, and drew little personally significant symbols on eachother's hands. It started getting cold and we went inside and up to her room.
We lay in her bed talking and holding eachother. We opened up to eachother to an extent that hadn't been possible before. We kissed a few times. If it weren't for our incredible respect and love of Jayant, we would have had sex then and there without any hesitation. I finally left her house at 5:00AM. I got up for work today at 7:00AM.
I completely forgot about the Harry Potter books.
So once again, I'm useless at work. Exhausted, excited, dazed, apprehensive. Everytime I start thinking about anything at all Marvin Gaye's "Lets get it on" cues up in my head and I start grinning.
I've got a difficult conversation ahead of me tonight.
Short version:
AEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Long version:
I talked to Jayant after he got back from chicago (several weeks ago) for quite a while about this. It was not a very comfortable conversation. What ended up coming out about it is that he probably would be bothered, but I should just see what happens. However, his assessment was that she probably wasn't interested. After this I decided to just can the idea and let my feelings peter out over time.
I was pretty successful at this over the weeks. Kathryn and I hung out a few times. The three of us hung out a few times, and while there was a little awkwardness, I had pretty much gotten over her.
Then came last night. I stopped by Kathryn's house pretty late to borrow the second and third Harry Potter books before she goes back to the farm for the week. We sat on her front porch and talked for a while. It was a really nice cool night, raining intermittently and pitter pattering on the awning. In a lull in the conversation, she abruptly said, "Ryan, I've had a crush on you all summer." <cue nervous head rush>
In the subsequent discussion we ended up agreeing that it was probably a bad idea to get involved, but also a damn shame that we couldn't give it a shot. We talked long into the night and all of the awkwardness that had previously stuck out in our conversations dissipated. We sketched eachother, and drew little personally significant symbols on eachother's hands. It started getting cold and we went inside and up to her room.
We lay in her bed talking and holding eachother. We opened up to eachother to an extent that hadn't been possible before. We kissed a few times. If it weren't for our incredible respect and love of Jayant, we would have had sex then and there without any hesitation. I finally left her house at 5:00AM. I got up for work today at 7:00AM.
So once again, I'm useless at work. Exhausted, excited, dazed, apprehensive. Everytime I start thinking about anything at all Marvin Gaye's "Lets get it on" cues up in my head and I start grinning.
I've got a difficult conversation ahead of me tonight. <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
You should write lewd novella <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif' /><!--endemo-->.
Good luck sorting everything out.
But seriously, I'm having almost the same problem as he does. Of course, without the almost doing it and interacting since I'm locked in my house all summer.
I can't stop thinking about her no matter what I try to think of. Not even the Manticore helped <!--emo&:(--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/sad.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='sad.gif' /><!--endemo-->
I guess <b>we</b> need help eh?
Agreed. The funny thing is that the fact her name is Kathryn reminded me of a girl by the same name I knew in Kindergarden - 4th grade. I moved after that. Look! SHE'S STILL IN MY HEAD!
So your plan of attack is to learn how to enjoy the suffering. I like to call it 'life'.
EDIT: I totally misread the quote above... I thought it was:
"Girls can't get out of your head, they r teh stuk."
Whatever... a valid statement either way.
.........ever.
.......................................................................ever.
Added another ever for clarity.
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Dr. D's world is a bit too extreme and scary for me. Doesn't that stuff only happen on Springer?
Rave: Then you start associating them with horrible things... XP
Moultano - I'm not sure anyone really completely gets over a crush, particularly over such a short period of time - it just sort of slacks, as coil said. I've had a lot of general dates and people I sort of liked - but I've never forgotten a crush. Ever.
I would say - it's good that all parties know, or at least have some idea - but there's always the possibility that Jayant may become more and more uncomfortable about the idea of you two being together (without him), things may get worse.
but as she likes you too, I don't think there's much you can do. Maybe once you've gone your separate ways and spent a good deal of time separate or found new people it'll be easier to put it behind you, but stuff like the Harry Potter book-borrowing scenario will just expedite the process of something more hapening. <!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif' /><!--endemo-->
Like coil said - if you want to not have that relationship with her and risk your friend's ire, stop talking to her, at least for awhile. You can always be honest and tell her - there are possible consequences I don't want to face, and I can't see you for awhile. Or something like that. ^^
I think coil may have a good setup for you - a 'casual' relationship? To get your feelings out of the way.. and then it's done and over with when you split.