Relationships
<div class="IPBDescription">and their problems..</div> Im writing to you dead tired at midnight after having a long conversation with my girlfriend. Similar to my physical tiredness, I am also mentally tired of her and everything she comes shipped with. The thing is, I can't stand the fact that she's been with other guys before. I always knew that she has been with these two other guys but I've never really considered it too much, but it just pops up every now and then.
One thing is that I sometimes regretting getting close with her who lost his virginity at the age of 16 to a guy 3 years older.. then dumping him for another guy who she never really got any business into with though.
It's her experiences that bothers me, because I've always hoped myself a girlfriend who'd be "unexperienced" with dating, sex-life and such normalities, just the way as I am. It never has really occurred as a problem since I do really love her and she really (and no doubt really) loves me too and we've been together for our 5th month soon.
My head is messed up as she keeps telling me it's me and only me she's interested of, but the one guy who she never really had any business with DID think that they had something since he keeps messaging her love commitments and **** like that. Also she and her first boyfriend are the best mates nowadays.
Now I just wonder what am I supposed to do here? It's not like I didn't love her or didn't like her, but I can't stand her PAST and my conciousness can't pass it either apparently since I keep getting these horrible thoughts and hateful feelings towards her at times. I know if I dumped her it'd be the end of her sanity because Im pretty much the only friend and shoulder she has, along with being a boyfriend too of course. She doesn't really have any other friends to meet.. actually I don't think she has any besides ones living further away. So I should ditch my past life completely and commit to her only? I can't do that!
I could make a plenty of reasons to get her off my head and life, but it'd be difficult to forget and pass since we're in the same upper-secondary too.. but I don't know if I even WANT to get her off my head.. I love her at the same time.
So in conclusion: I love her present but hate her past and can't get over it with the past being still present. What am I to do here?
*swallows the tears after writing*
One thing is that I sometimes regretting getting close with her who lost his virginity at the age of 16 to a guy 3 years older.. then dumping him for another guy who she never really got any business into with though.
It's her experiences that bothers me, because I've always hoped myself a girlfriend who'd be "unexperienced" with dating, sex-life and such normalities, just the way as I am. It never has really occurred as a problem since I do really love her and she really (and no doubt really) loves me too and we've been together for our 5th month soon.
My head is messed up as she keeps telling me it's me and only me she's interested of, but the one guy who she never really had any business with DID think that they had something since he keeps messaging her love commitments and **** like that. Also she and her first boyfriend are the best mates nowadays.
Now I just wonder what am I supposed to do here? It's not like I didn't love her or didn't like her, but I can't stand her PAST and my conciousness can't pass it either apparently since I keep getting these horrible thoughts and hateful feelings towards her at times. I know if I dumped her it'd be the end of her sanity because Im pretty much the only friend and shoulder she has, along with being a boyfriend too of course. She doesn't really have any other friends to meet.. actually I don't think she has any besides ones living further away. So I should ditch my past life completely and commit to her only? I can't do that!
I could make a plenty of reasons to get her off my head and life, but it'd be difficult to forget and pass since we're in the same upper-secondary too.. but I don't know if I even WANT to get her off my head.. I love her at the same time.
So in conclusion: I love her present but hate her past and can't get over it with the past being still present. What am I to do here?
*swallows the tears after writing*
Comments
But seriously, anyone who gets to know someone will find things in their past that is not exactly likeable, some thing that will make you mad and some things that will make you question the basis of your relationship, even if these things have nothing to do with their past relationships, there is always something in their past that you will have a problem with. My only advice is to realise that it simply does not matter. I suggest you break things down simply: Do you love her? Does she love you? Do things things in her past have any real bearing on your current relationship? As for her being best friends with her former boyfriend, it has been my experience that ex's do not hook up again very often. Usually if they break up cleanly they remember why they broke up before they can do anything physically or emotionally.
my ex.. the one who cheated on me in the end.. and when i say that i in no way mean yours will cheat on you..
she had slept with more guys then i could count on both hands really...
i mean.. i have slept with 14 but like.. yeah... not one had been experienced.. infact not one wasnt a virgin..
and like.. ok this will sound weird.. but when we were in bed.. i was used to taking the lead.. being the more experienced.. but with her.. its like she knew too much.. like she could do little thigns etc .. and it was like.. oh ok.. so how many guys have you practised that little move on.
my current gf was a virgin when i met her.. and honestly.. for ME it is the only way i can kinda get along in the relationship.. i have extreme jealousy... my thing is.. i come from a large gangland family.. and it is the kind of thing where nobody disrespects you so to speak.. and like.. when i see people flirting with my gf.. i get so tempted to just well put my 268 lbs to good use i hate other guys near her..
its bad i know but yeah.. it feels more 'my own' when they arent exsperienced ya know?
i dunno.. but i can relate to ya mate
take it easy <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif' /><!--endemo--> at the end of the day... its gon be what its gon be.. i dont mean to be blunt but if she cheats on you.. she does.. if she doesnt she doesnt... we can discuss it.. and like.. debate it all we like.. itll happen.. if its gonna.
i mean.. i have slept with 14 <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
Arf, Freudian slip or innocent error of meaning?
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If she still does these sorts of things or you have a reasonable suspicion she does, that's another issue altogether. But from your post it sounds as if she has tried to clean up her act.
As far as you feeling obligated to look after her, if you don't want to be in the relationship it will be better in the longrun for both of you to split up. If you are just going to end up hating her that isn't a healthy situation for either of you.
With knowing as little about the situation as you've told us, I'd wager on this being your issues rather than anything to do with her. Either accept the fact that she used to live life differently before she was with you, or break up, as you'll end up doing more damage to her than what sounds like is already done.
[edit]
And the absolute geek solution to the problem is this:
You have always envisioned your tables to have a one-to-one relationship when in fact it turns out that it is a one-to-many with both primary keys and foreign keys. There are other indexes, some of them fulltext, and you are concerned about the overhead. You want to simplify your processes with prepared statements, but that just doesn't seem to be working out of your. You must learn to either update your enumerations or alter your table if you ever want to achieve proficiency.
... Man that was stupid. Don't blame me, blame SQL stuff for about 6 hours straight. Man I need some sleep... :P
i mean.. i have slept with 14 <!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Arf, Freudian slip or innocent error of meaning?
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no it is correct... but like.. its hard to explain.. where i had been with more.. i still felt uneasy...
I hate you, Doom. Here I am, taking this stupid test on MS Access, I log in to the forums to take a quick break and I get that.
/me wanders away muttering about his hatred for school
And Moquiao, forgive me when I say that seems just a bit hypocritical.
And Moquiao, forgive me when I say that seems just a bit hypocritical. <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
oh it does no doubt... im not denying it.. im just telling the guy how i felt...
I HATE LIFE!!
<-- goes back to his video games, they will never hurt me.......except Ninja Gaiden, I HIT HIM, BUT NOOO HE KILLS ME ANYWAY!!
That said;
There's quite a few things my ex and I have done in the past (incidentally, the same thing; in this case modeling for less-than-respectable companies), and we had some issues over that. And at some point, I dated a girl that featured in porn to support herself at some point. Really, it's up to where you draw the line of what REALLY is an issue and what isn't.
The past is a part of life. Some people move on and change, some people don't... but if it's something that bugs you simply for what it is, then you're going to have to decide either it bugs you so much it's going to screw up your relationship unless you do something about it, OR whether it's something you can learn to deal with. Don't let things sit though, because once it becomes resentment, stuff goes downhill REAL fast from there.
I've had past lovers try to insinuate we were together again, or message me lovey-dovey crap, and either we were just goofing off or it was them trying to get my current lover to break up with me. So that'll depend on what the situation is for her.
I do know how your situation feels. My last ex moved here (CA) from Ohio, moved in with me, and I've been supporting her and taking care of her emotionally and all that for almost two years now; we just recently broke up, and I still worry a lot about her being able to take care of herself financially and all that. But in the end, you're the one that's most important; and if it the relationship is driving you insane (and isn't taken care of) then it's time to fix it or drop it.
Best of luck to you.
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That worries me. If you feel this way about the situation, and she *relies* on you for her emotional stability, and you feel you can't do anything because of this, do you have a relationship or a therapy session that's lasted too long?
Might come across as harsh, but I just got out of a year-long relationship where that was more than true. I was the only one she could turn to. You might feel like you're doing them a favor, but in the end if things go south what are they left with?
-calldown
my ex and I were both incredibly jealous types... worried about what the other had done and was capable of doing... and in the end, we both ended up hurting each other... the predictable thing for me to say is that the jealousy was a self-fulfilling prophecy and if we weren't jealous maybe we wouldn't have hurt each other, but I don't really believe that...
what I DO believe is that our hurting each other was inevitable... so the jealousy was just wasted effort... we wasted so much time being paranoid about each other that we could have spent being happier...
so my advice is to try your best not to worry so much, but at the same time don't let your guard down completely, if she's capable of hurting you (as all women are)...
feh, in the end, advice is useless in all cases of love... because we'll all just follow our hearts in the end anyway...
Now, she thought it was ridiculous but I say **** that really. <b>I</b> think it's ridiculous that she's overly jealous if I happen to stop and talk for other girls.. although that has been cut down lately as I've convinced her there's no reason for her to worry if Im just talking for christ sake.
<!--QuoteBegin--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin-->If she still does these sorts of things or you have a reasonable suspicion she does, that's another issue altogether. But from your post it sounds as if she has tried to clean up her act.<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
There is no cheating going on that's what Im absolutely positive about. The thing is, she doesn't want to "get rid of me" in any ways so she would never do that. Sometimes.. just sometimes I wish she did cheat on me.. I wish she would give me one REAL reason to dump her.. god I sound horrible but that's how I feel. If she cheated on me, I'd go "meh" and leave and live my life again. <!--emo&:(--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/sad.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='sad.gif' /><!--endemo-->
<!--QuoteBegin--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin-->my current gf was a virgin when i met her.. and honestly.. for ME it is the only way i can kinda get along in the relationship.. i have extreme jealousy... my thing is.. i come from a large gangland family.. and it is the kind of thing where nobody disrespects you so to speak.. and like.. when i see people flirting with my gf.. i get so tempted to just well put my 268 lbs to good use i hate other guys near her..
its bad i know but yeah.. <b>it feels more 'my own' when they arent exsperienced ya know?</b><!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
That's the whole reason of my situation.. She just doesn't seem to be mine (not in a material manner, Im no sovinist)...
this is what i had to make i think it is maybe abit too mature content for the forums so infact pm me or get me on msn if you wanna know... but like honestly i did kinda make it a little better... just a few little things...
If she's cheating on you, it's her problem and a clear definition of her character. If she isn't, and you constantly worry about it, it's your problem and a clear definition of your confidence or lack there of.
I understand the desire to be with someone "pure". The problem is, as others have already stated, applying that standard to others will always expose failure. None of us are "pure".
My advice is this: Get over yourself. Leave her past alone. If you ever find out she has cheated on you, apply a heavy guilt trip and walk away. Otherwise, start looking for her good characteristics and stop wasting time looking for the bad.
If you are unable to deal with her past, then just walk away and call it good. That really is the only thing you can do, just as she could do the same.
One thing is that I sometimes regretting getting close with her who lost his virginity at the age of 16 to a guy 3 years older.. then dumping him for another guy who she never really got any business into with though.
It's her experiences that bothers me, because I've always hoped myself a girlfriend who'd be "unexperienced" with dating, sex-life and such normalities, just the way as I am. It never has really occurred as a problem since I do really love her and she really (and no doubt really) loves me too and we've been together for our 5th month soon.
My head is messed up as she keeps telling me it's me and only me she's interested of, but the one guy who she never really had any business with DID think that they had something since he keeps messaging her love commitments and **** like that. Also she and her first boyfriend are the best mates nowadays.
Now I just wonder what am I supposed to do here? It's not like I didn't love her or didn't like her, but I can't stand her PAST and my conciousness can't pass it either apparently since I keep getting these horrible thoughts and hateful feelings towards her at times. I know if I dumped her it'd be the end of her sanity because Im pretty much the only friend and shoulder she has, along with being a boyfriend too of course. She doesn't really have any other friends to meet.. actually I don't think she has any besides ones living further away. So I should ditch my past life completely and commit to her only? I can't do that!
I could make a plenty of reasons to get her off my head and life, but it'd be difficult to forget and pass since we're in the same upper-secondary too.. but I don't know if I even WANT to get her off my head.. I love her at the same time.
So in conclusion: I love her present but hate her past and can't get over it with the past being still present. What am I to do here?
*swallows the tears after writing* <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
hey ther guy! you remind me of myself at a younger age. those feelings are normal, you are just full of wonder an how can she thoughts. well theres this, both of you are young teens(right?) therefore everything you think of in life is starting to change, things arnt how they seem. an you are learning about others, and where your placement in life is. ok now the thing with dating the "virgin" type is cool, BUT every male wants that, an in these days it is rare to find that girl. it can be a bad thing too. Fruedian(sp?) theory says that if MALE 1 is with FEMALE 2, FEMALE 2 has never been with anyone else except MALE 1, ok? cool huh? not really female2 will soon think that she is missing somehting out there in life, and wonder what is is like to be with other men. if she has been in the relationship too long shell cheat, fearing that if she breaks up with him shell be alone for a long time, cheating for the security that he'll always be there. it is ok to be with a girl that has a "sexual" past because shell probably know what she wants in a man an not leave for the BBD (bigger better deal) btw dont ever base life upon movies, dont take advice from movies. nothing is like a freakin movie. hope i could help. if you want to get more in deep with the subject let me know.
She's right. Suck it up. Women are attracted to confidence. Better find some quick.
if you wanna talk more in private, pm me any time ya want <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif' /><!--endemo-->
<!--emo&::asrifle::--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/asrifle.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='asrifle.gif' /><!--endemo--> ------------------> P.S. WOMAN ARE EVIL!!!!!
Well this is excactly what I needed. No need to come in and tell me to "grow up" since I noticed that the whole "cheating" thing is just too hard to put in words but I can still say every each one of you have the wrong idea of the whole thing so let's just not mention a word about cheating anymore okay? I don't think anyone's cheating anyone so that's the end of that.
I don't know how I somehow am a bad guy here, Im not doing anything wrong Im just being insecure and I know that, but I don't know how it's supposed to be easy to "put aside the past and live now" since her past IS her present: She gets messages and chats with her exes on a DAILY basis. Okay so the older one isn't as bad since they're good friends now, but the other one keeps sending all lovey-dovey crap and still acting as if she and him were still together. I just wonder how things are going to be rolling now that he got his army duty service done..
Well you didn't say that. If there's an actual REASON for you to have a problem that changes things. Obviously that's something you have to take care of, I{'m assuming that if he seds her this stuff over the net that she can't have THAT much of a problem with it, or else she would have cut her ties with him completely. And at that point any sane person would be worried, have you let her know how much of a problem this is for you? It could simply be that she doesn't think of it as a problem or any big deal at all. And if this particular issue is a big thing with you then you should fully confront her about.
Whats done is done. Theres nothing wrong with dating a girl who has "experience". I think you should just accept it and let her take the lead.
But seriously, you shouldnt dwell on the past. You also shouldnt feel so jealous. I realize thats much easier said than done, but I really never had a problem with girlfriends keeping in touch with exs. Hell, I still keep in touch with my exs. Relationships are built on trust, and if you're that jealous... well, I guess you don't really trust her.
Not to throw out overused cliche's, but if worse comes to worse, there are many other fish in the sea.
Cheer up. We all know love can be a ****. Its just one of those things you have to endure.
Currently, im single and loving it.
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Erm.... I seen a pic of you dude holding your airsoft gun and your tall but there's no way your 19 stone <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif' /><!--endemo--> don't tell porkie pies hehe btw long time no see bud how you been?
Back on topic tho what Coby said sounds familier, I just got into a relationship about a month ago and the situation round her ex is troubling me; she still goes and sees him because she is good friends with him which is okay by me. But it's the other things I have picked up on that when put together make me wonder... I mean if she still has strong feelings for him the why did beak up etc? I don't really wanna go getting to involved to find a few months down the line she realised leaving his was a mistake and goes back or something.
Like she told me he got angry at her when she went round to see him cos he could smell another man on her.... obviously he doesn't know she is seeing me or knows and doesn't like it. Apparently she split up from him cos he was possesive <!--emo&;)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/wink.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='wink.gif' /><!--endemo-->
Also I had an argument with her the other day and she said something like "probably why I can't let go of chay (dudes name) he understands me"
She told me she's going round to see him the weekend and stopping over, she does that a lot with her mates but the blokes she sees are mostly g.ay blokes so it's not a problem this one is her ex and obviously still likes her.
Add all that together and it makes me wonder..... <!--emo&;)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/wink.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='wink.gif' /><!--endemo-->
My advice to you coby for what it's worth is to talk to her get what you been saying here (well not all of it) off your chest, it's what I plan to do tonight.
soz for avoiding swear filter but i'm not swearing in this case or causing offence