2010
<div class="IPBDescription">The story.</div> This was the storyline i wrote for a game set in the future.
Thoughts?
2010 - Death cults surface in America,Canada,Russia,and other major world super powers(except countries like,oh,france,germany and UK,because they arent counted as world super powers,while canada,odly enough,is),headed by charismatic leaders(who appeared from monstrous portals constructed deep underground in a ritual chamber,and look like hell-spawned demons)They proceed to tear the countries into 4 parts,as the president,his cabinet and the officers in charge of the army,navy,and airforce,have been brain-washed by mind-control drugs magically developed with the help of daemons from the warp.Citizens are also brain-washed into mindless obedience,and armies made up of millions of men,women and childrne brain-washed and taught how to fire guns were sent marching against each other in a mindless orgy of death and destruction.
At this point,the other countries un-affected directly,decide to gather at a carribean resort to discuss the situation.Alas,such a foolish choice,as one of the death cult leaders in America learned of the meeting(which was helpfully broadcasted on world-wide TV,and included the exact location of the resort),and launch a nucleur missle at the resort.POOF goes every single country's dictator/president and their entire cabinet,including the leading officers of their armed forces.
The death cults then take advantage of the chaotic situation and help to setup more branches around the world to extend their influence over the world.The remaining armed forces are brutally slaughtered in 5 minute long battles around the globe as nightmarish hordes from hell storm military bases,rip apart soldiers,tanks and swat planes from the sky.Although the micronesian militia,consisting of several hundred men with AK-47s and pistol,survived 30 minutes because their nation was overlooked by the death cults.This oversight was quickly corrected when a demonic sea-serpant was crusing by the island tribal natives attempted to kill it with spears.The serpent then proceeded to eat the entire island.
Citizens are brain-washed and proceed to kill each other in a frenzy,designed to ultimately culiminate in the summoning of the great Gods of Hell and Death on earth.
At this dangerous point,with 90%+ of the world's population dead through ritual sacrifices to the demonic gods,an unlikely hero rose to power and began to fight back with a small army!
The infamous actor who plays the purple dinosaur,Barney,on children TV shows(infamous because the majority of the world LOATHED his stupid songs,high pitched girly voice,and the WAY HE WALKED....oh....my....god.....),was UNAFFECTED by the brain-washing drugs!He managed to hide and foramlue a resistance army,made up of regional actors who played barney(They too,were curious unaffected).In their first,incredibly daring Raid,the Original Barney,hence fort made his famous speech that went down in the history books forever!As he stood in his underground chamber,painstakingly prepared with plush chairs and barney toys,as he stood at his purple,barney-shaped podium,he said,in his girly voice
"Be seated."(even though they had were already seated,majority with feet up on the chairs infront)
Men, this stuff that some sources sling around about BRA(Barny Resistance Army) wanting out of this war, not wanting to fight, is a crock of ****. BRAs love to fight, traditionally. All real BRAs love the sting and clash of battle.
You are here today for three reasons. First, because you are here to defend your Barney plush Toys and your lovable Barny leader. Second, you are here for your own ration of Barney Food TM, because you would not want to be anywhere else. Third, you are here because you are Barneys and all real Barneys like to fight. When you, here, every one of you, were cute,lovable,little,barneys, you all admired the champion Barney player, the fastest Barney, the toughest Barney, the big league Barney players, and the All-BRA barney players.BRAslove a winner. BRAs will not tolerate a loser. BRAs despise cowards. BRAs play to win all of the time. I wouldn't give a hoot in hell for a barney who lost and laughed. That's why BRAs have never lost nor will ever lose a war; for the very idea of losing is hateful to an BRA.
You are not all going to die. Only two percent of you right here today would die in a major battle. Death must not be feared. Death, in time, comes to all barneys. Yes, every barney is scared in his first battle. If he says he's not, he's a liar. Some barneys are cowards but they fight the same as the brave barneys they get the hell slammed out of them watching barneys fight who are just as scared as they are. The real barney is the barney who fights even though he is scared. Some barneys get over their fright in a minute under fire. For some, it takes an hour. For some, it takes days. But a real barney will never let his fear of death overpower his honor, his sense of duty to his country, and his innate barneyness.
Battle is the most magnificent competition in which a human being can indulge. It brings out all that is best and it removes all that is base. BRAs pride themselves on being He Barney and they ARE He Barneys. Remember that the enemy is just as frightened as you are, and probably more so. They are not barneys.
All through your BRA careers, you barneys have bitched about what you call "chicken **** drilling." That, like everything else in this BRA, has a definite purpose. That purpose is alertness. Alertness must be bred into every barney. I don't give a **** for a barney who's not always on his toes. You barneys are veterans or you wouldn't be here. You are ready for what's to come. A barney must be alert at all times if he expects to stay alive. If you're not alert, sometime, a cultist son-of-an-****-**** is going to sneak up behind you and beat you to death with a sockful of ****! There are four hundred neatly marked graves somewhere in Sicily, all because one barney went to sleep on the job. But they are cultist graves, because we caught the **** asleep before they did.
A BRA is a team. It lives, sleeps, eats, and fights as a team. This individual heroic stuff is pure horse ****. The bilious **** who write that kind of stuff for the Saturday Evening Post don't know any more about real fighting under fire than they know about freaking! We have the finest food, the finest equipment, the best spirit, and the best barneys in the world. Why, by God, I actually pity those poor sons-of-**** we're going up against. By God, I do.
My barneys don't surrender, and I don't want to hear of any barney under my command being captured unless he has been hit. Even if you are hit, you can still fight back. That's not just bull **** either. The kind of barney that I want in my command is just like the lieutenant in Libya, who, with a cyber-demon's rocket launcher covering his head, jerked off his helmet, swept the launcher aside with one hand, and busted the hell out of the demon with his helmet. Then he jumped on the gun and went out and killed another cultist before they knew what the hell was coming off. And, all of that time, this barney had a plasma round through his lung. There was a real barney!
All of the real heroes are not storybook combat fighters, either. Every single barneyin thisBRA plays a vital role. Don't ever let up. Don't ever think that your job is unimportant. Every barney has a job to do and he must do it. Every barney is a vital link in the great chain. What if every truck driver suddenly decided that he didn't like the whine of those shells overhead, turned yellow, and jumped headlong into a ditch? The cowardly **** could say, 'Hell, they won't miss me, just one man in thousands.' But, what if every barney thought that way? Where in the hell would we be now? What would our barney homes, our barney chairs, our barney plush toys, even the world, be like? No, Goddamnit, BRAs don't think like that. Every barney does his job. Every barney serves the whole. Every department, every unit, is important in the vast scheme of this war. The ordnance men are needed to supply the guns and machinery of war to keep us rolling. The Quartermaster is needed to bring up food and clothes because where we are going there isn't a hell of a lot to steal. Every last barneyon K.P. has a job to do, even the one who heats our water to keep us from getting the 'G.I. Shits.'
Each barney must not think only of himself, but also of his buddy fighting beside him. We don't want yellow cowards in this Army. They should be killed off like rats. If not, they will go home after this war and breed more cowards. The brave barneys will breed more brave barneys. Kill off the Goddamned cowards and we will have a nation of brave barneys. One of the bravest barneys that I ever saw was a fellow on top of a telegraph pole in the midst of a furious fire fight in Tunisia. I stopped and asked what the hell he was doing up there at a time like that. He answered, 'Fixing the wire, Sir.' I asked, 'Isn't that a little unhealthy right about now?' He answered, 'Yes Sir, but the Goddamned wire has to be fixed.' I asked, 'Don't those planes strafing the road bother you?' And he answered, 'No, Sir, but you sure as hell do!' Now, there was a real barney. A real barney. There was a barney who devoted all he had to his duty, no matter how seemingly insignificant his duty might appear at the time, no matter how great the odds.
And you should have seen those trucks on the road to Tunisia. Those drivers were magnificent. All day and all night they rolled over those son-of-a-bitching roads, never stopping, never faltering from their course, with shells bursting all around them all of the time. We got through on good old BRA guts.
Many of those barneys drove for over forty consecutive hours. These barneys weren't combat barneys, but they were barneys with a job to do. They did it, and in one hell of a way they did it. They were part of a team. Without team effort, without them, the fight would have been lost. All of the links in the chain pulled together and the chain became unbreakable.
Don't forget, you barneys don't know that I'm here. No mention of that fact is to be made in any letters. The world is not supposed to know what the hell happened to me. I'm not supposed to be commanding this Army. I'm not even supposed to be here in England. Let the first **** to find out be the Goddamned Cultists. Someday I want to see them raise up on their ****-soaked hind legs and howl, 'Jesus Christ, it's the Goddamned BRA again and that son-of-a-freaking-**** Barney.' We want to get the hell over there." The quicker we clean up this Goddamned mess, the quicker we can take a little jaunt against the purple **** Demons and clean out their nest, too. Before the Goddamned Angels get all of the credit.
Sure, we want to go home. We want this war over with. The quickest way to get it over with is to go get the **** who started it. The quicker they are whipped, the quicker we can go home. The shortest way home is through Berlin and Tokyo. And when we get to Berlin, I am personally going to shoot that paper hanging son-of-a-**** Cultist. Just like I'd shoot a snake!
When a barney is lying in a shell hole, if he just stays there all day, a cultist will get to him eventually. The hell with that idea. The hell with taking it. My barneys don't dig foxholes. I don't want them to. Foxholes only slow up an offensive. Keep moving. And don't give the enemy time to dig one either. We'll win this war, but we'll win it only by fighting and by showing the cultists that we've got more guts than they have; or ever will have. We're not going to just shoot the sons-of-****, we're going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks. We're going to murder those lousy Hun **** suckers by the bushel-freaking-basket.
War is a bloody, killing business. You've got to spill their blood, or they will spill yours. Rip them up the belly. Shoot them in the guts. When shells are hitting all around you and you wipe the dirt off your face and realize that instead of dirt it's the blood and guts of what once was your best friend beside you, you'll know what to do!
I don't want to get any messages saying, 'I am holding my position.' We are not holding a Goddamned thing. Let the cultists do that. We are advancing constantly and we are not interested in holding onto anything, except the enemy's balls. We are going to twist his balls and kick the living **** out of him all of the time. Our basic plan of operation is to advance and to keep on advancing regardless of whether we have to go over, under, or through the enemy. We are going to go through him like crap through a goose; like **** through a tin horn!
From time to time there will be some complaints that we are pushing our barneys too hard. I don't give a good **** about such complaints. I believe in the old and sound rule that an ounce of sweat will save a gallon of blood. The harder WE push, the more cultistswe will kill. The more cultistswe kill, the fewer of our men will be killed. Pushing means fewer casualties. I want you all to remember that.
There is one great thing that you men will all be able to say after this war is over and you are home once again. You may be thankful that twenty years from now when you are sitting by the purple fireplace with your grandson barney on your knee and he asks you what you did in the great World War III, you WON'T have to cough, shift him to the other knee and say, 'Well, your Granddaddy shoveled cultists in Louisiana.' No, Sir, you can look him straight in the eye and say, 'Son, your Granddaddy rode with the Great BRA and a Son-of-a- Goddamned-**** named Barney!'
"That is all."
And upon the end of the magnificent speech,the barneys all roared,grabbed their plush toys,and charged out.
The first raid was a perfect success.It was targetted at the old hollywood studios.Right before the death cults had arisen,the majority of films stars from all over the world had gathered at the hollywood studious to film a incredible,6 hour-long,action **** romance **** comedy **** adventure movie.Famous names : Steven Seageal,Jet li,Jackie Chan,Karen Mok,Tom Cruise....
The original barney had realised,that in order for the newly designed Barney Plush Toy Gatling Launcher 2010 to be used,they needed MUSCLE.
The Hollywood Studious were TOTALLY unguarded.Evidently,the cultists were too busy sarcrificng themselves,their mom,and their pet whales to bother.The BRAs found the the majority of the brain-washed film stars dead already,but a significant number,majority were famous action film stars,were too busy fightning each other to actually kill each other(exception : a dozen or so stars from different generes hiding in odd locations,such as,the womens toilet and gargabe bins).The BRAs dispelled the brain-control drugs by loudly singing the barney song together.Shocked into wakefulness,the films stars all pledged to fight with the BRA to liberate america.BARNEY SAVE AMERICA!
The BRA fought with incredible peace-loving tenacity.Their raids grew larger,more intensive,more ferocious.Soon,they were making open assaults on the Death Cult in control of the SW portion of america,calling themselves the "Stupid ****"(henceforth referred to as "SF".Within 1 short month,the death cult had been driven to their original emergency point,the ritual chamber with the portal.The Death Cult's demonic leader,originally named "Stupid ****",was busy begging for reinforcements.As the BRA troops stormed the chamber and demons roared and fired their hell-spawned weaponry at the brave barneys,while their brain-washed servants were shocked to full wakefulness by the barney song(And promptly ripped into half,deovured,or otherwsie slaughtered by the demons who realised what was going on),The Original Barney engaged the Demonic Leader,Stupid ****,in a death struggle that would determine the fate of the BRA,America,AND THE WORLD!!!!As the original Barney fought Stupid **** back to the hellish portal,Stupid **** CHEATED and SPAT hell-spawned saliva into the original Barney's face!Shocked,off balance,and about to be ripped into half by Stupid ****,Keanu Reeves,who plays Neo AKA,The One,in the Matrix Trilogy said "odge this" and fired a barney pistol pointblank into Stupid ****'s head!Alas!The round bounces off!But Stupid **** has been distracted long enough for the original Barney to slice his head off with his sword of barneyness!As the Demon roared and vowed his revenge,the original Barney,sealed his victory by sealing the demonic portal by throwing a Barney Plus Toy Greande through it to the sounds of thunderous BRA applause!!!!
From then on,the BRA strikes down the other death cults in america,quickly liberating SE America from the "Retarded idiots",NE america from the "Complete Morons" and NW america from the "Idiotic n00bs".
The Original Barney is quickly crowned Supreme Barney of America(BARNEY SAVE AMERICA!),with Keanu Reeves as his closest aid.
Canada and mexico is then liberated next,but alas,while fightning the Demonic Leader of the "Mother ****",ironically named "****",Keanu Reeves perishes while attempting to throw a cyber-demon into the wall with the aid of a Barney Plush Glove,an experimental glove that was SUPPOSED to amplify Keanu Reeve's physical strength by a thousand fold.Unfornately,he neglects to read the fine print on the tag " Do not attempt use without singing the Barney Song constantly,in high pitched girly voice.".Keanu Reeves is given the burial worthy of a BRA Hero.
The world is quickly liberated within the year,but one FINAL death cult is based on the remote Island of Singapore.There,the Death Cult,"**** Eaters",led by the,again,ironically named Demon "**** Eater",makes their stand!It is clear they are preparing for some hideous ritual that could very well undo all the work the BRA has put into liberating the world and making it safe for Barneys everywhere!Quickly,an assault plan is formulated.Barney fighters will saturate the island with Barney Plus Toy Bombs TM,and Barneys will parachute ontop of the Death Cult's HQ and begin their assault to stop the hideous ritual in process.The Assault comprises of :
Original Barney
Arnold Scwhaneger
Jackie Chan
Jet Li
Karen Mok
Laurence Fish Burn
Carrie-Anne Moss
Hugo Weaving
Mel Gibson
Eddie MurphyF
Linda Hamilton
Michael Biehn
Steven Seagal
Sigourney Weaver
As well as the divisional heads of the entire BRA.
The assault goes well until the **** Easters unveil a new monstrous...uh....weapon....if you can call it that.Resembling a movable,gigantic ****,it quickly wipes out half the assault team and forces them to retreat.Arnold Scwachnegger at this point tells the Original Barney "I will be back" and dissapears to who knows where.Back,in 60 seconds,Arnold Scwachnegger unveils the experimental Purple Barney Plush Covering,and COVERS THE ENTIRE ****-SHAPED WEAPON!Thus neutralized,they end up disrupting the heinious ritual,slaying **** Eater,and saving the world!
At this point,the Original Barney is perplexed what to do.99% of the population is dead,there is no economy,and transitting to the peace state was a strange,foreign,concept to many who have fought this entire war for their entire lives.At this moment,Gloria Foster,now an old,old woman,makes her infamous prophecy.Through magical,sorcery means,every single person finds themselves holding a hand phone that begins to ring.As they answer the call,The Oracle(Gloria Foster) begins to speak :
"In the future,Canada,Russia,America,and all previous territories which were divided into 4 by the Death Cults,will be again,seperate into 4 parts.They will be considered countries in their own right.And every single country will have a GDP of 50,000 credits.Buildings will be built to produce standardised military equipment,which will take a step back to 1 BC military tatics,as infantry will only have rifles,fighters will only have Air-Air missles and warships will only have....to be honest,i got no freaking clue idea,but nvm.....anyway,every citizen will be brain-washed into 2 groups,depending on their country's government.Dictatorships will have brain-washed citizens that believe murdering,killing is good.Sorta like a re-born death cult,except that they dont kill themselves,and dont have demons....anyway,democracies will have brain-washed citizens that **** about everything in general,and will advocate an extremely,pacifist stance deliberately designed to allow dictatorships easy world conquest.Oops did i say that out loud?I mean easy....um....cheese production.Yea thats right!Anyway,by the future,i mean like,1 second after the beep.And.....BEEP!"
And so....Oblivion Final Conflcit was born.
Thoughts?
2010 - Death cults surface in America,Canada,Russia,and other major world super powers(except countries like,oh,france,germany and UK,because they arent counted as world super powers,while canada,odly enough,is),headed by charismatic leaders(who appeared from monstrous portals constructed deep underground in a ritual chamber,and look like hell-spawned demons)They proceed to tear the countries into 4 parts,as the president,his cabinet and the officers in charge of the army,navy,and airforce,have been brain-washed by mind-control drugs magically developed with the help of daemons from the warp.Citizens are also brain-washed into mindless obedience,and armies made up of millions of men,women and childrne brain-washed and taught how to fire guns were sent marching against each other in a mindless orgy of death and destruction.
At this point,the other countries un-affected directly,decide to gather at a carribean resort to discuss the situation.Alas,such a foolish choice,as one of the death cult leaders in America learned of the meeting(which was helpfully broadcasted on world-wide TV,and included the exact location of the resort),and launch a nucleur missle at the resort.POOF goes every single country's dictator/president and their entire cabinet,including the leading officers of their armed forces.
The death cults then take advantage of the chaotic situation and help to setup more branches around the world to extend their influence over the world.The remaining armed forces are brutally slaughtered in 5 minute long battles around the globe as nightmarish hordes from hell storm military bases,rip apart soldiers,tanks and swat planes from the sky.Although the micronesian militia,consisting of several hundred men with AK-47s and pistol,survived 30 minutes because their nation was overlooked by the death cults.This oversight was quickly corrected when a demonic sea-serpant was crusing by the island tribal natives attempted to kill it with spears.The serpent then proceeded to eat the entire island.
Citizens are brain-washed and proceed to kill each other in a frenzy,designed to ultimately culiminate in the summoning of the great Gods of Hell and Death on earth.
At this dangerous point,with 90%+ of the world's population dead through ritual sacrifices to the demonic gods,an unlikely hero rose to power and began to fight back with a small army!
The infamous actor who plays the purple dinosaur,Barney,on children TV shows(infamous because the majority of the world LOATHED his stupid songs,high pitched girly voice,and the WAY HE WALKED....oh....my....god.....),was UNAFFECTED by the brain-washing drugs!He managed to hide and foramlue a resistance army,made up of regional actors who played barney(They too,were curious unaffected).In their first,incredibly daring Raid,the Original Barney,hence fort made his famous speech that went down in the history books forever!As he stood in his underground chamber,painstakingly prepared with plush chairs and barney toys,as he stood at his purple,barney-shaped podium,he said,in his girly voice
"Be seated."(even though they had were already seated,majority with feet up on the chairs infront)
Men, this stuff that some sources sling around about BRA(Barny Resistance Army) wanting out of this war, not wanting to fight, is a crock of ****. BRAs love to fight, traditionally. All real BRAs love the sting and clash of battle.
You are here today for three reasons. First, because you are here to defend your Barney plush Toys and your lovable Barny leader. Second, you are here for your own ration of Barney Food TM, because you would not want to be anywhere else. Third, you are here because you are Barneys and all real Barneys like to fight. When you, here, every one of you, were cute,lovable,little,barneys, you all admired the champion Barney player, the fastest Barney, the toughest Barney, the big league Barney players, and the All-BRA barney players.BRAslove a winner. BRAs will not tolerate a loser. BRAs despise cowards. BRAs play to win all of the time. I wouldn't give a hoot in hell for a barney who lost and laughed. That's why BRAs have never lost nor will ever lose a war; for the very idea of losing is hateful to an BRA.
You are not all going to die. Only two percent of you right here today would die in a major battle. Death must not be feared. Death, in time, comes to all barneys. Yes, every barney is scared in his first battle. If he says he's not, he's a liar. Some barneys are cowards but they fight the same as the brave barneys they get the hell slammed out of them watching barneys fight who are just as scared as they are. The real barney is the barney who fights even though he is scared. Some barneys get over their fright in a minute under fire. For some, it takes an hour. For some, it takes days. But a real barney will never let his fear of death overpower his honor, his sense of duty to his country, and his innate barneyness.
Battle is the most magnificent competition in which a human being can indulge. It brings out all that is best and it removes all that is base. BRAs pride themselves on being He Barney and they ARE He Barneys. Remember that the enemy is just as frightened as you are, and probably more so. They are not barneys.
All through your BRA careers, you barneys have bitched about what you call "chicken **** drilling." That, like everything else in this BRA, has a definite purpose. That purpose is alertness. Alertness must be bred into every barney. I don't give a **** for a barney who's not always on his toes. You barneys are veterans or you wouldn't be here. You are ready for what's to come. A barney must be alert at all times if he expects to stay alive. If you're not alert, sometime, a cultist son-of-an-****-**** is going to sneak up behind you and beat you to death with a sockful of ****! There are four hundred neatly marked graves somewhere in Sicily, all because one barney went to sleep on the job. But they are cultist graves, because we caught the **** asleep before they did.
A BRA is a team. It lives, sleeps, eats, and fights as a team. This individual heroic stuff is pure horse ****. The bilious **** who write that kind of stuff for the Saturday Evening Post don't know any more about real fighting under fire than they know about freaking! We have the finest food, the finest equipment, the best spirit, and the best barneys in the world. Why, by God, I actually pity those poor sons-of-**** we're going up against. By God, I do.
My barneys don't surrender, and I don't want to hear of any barney under my command being captured unless he has been hit. Even if you are hit, you can still fight back. That's not just bull **** either. The kind of barney that I want in my command is just like the lieutenant in Libya, who, with a cyber-demon's rocket launcher covering his head, jerked off his helmet, swept the launcher aside with one hand, and busted the hell out of the demon with his helmet. Then he jumped on the gun and went out and killed another cultist before they knew what the hell was coming off. And, all of that time, this barney had a plasma round through his lung. There was a real barney!
All of the real heroes are not storybook combat fighters, either. Every single barneyin thisBRA plays a vital role. Don't ever let up. Don't ever think that your job is unimportant. Every barney has a job to do and he must do it. Every barney is a vital link in the great chain. What if every truck driver suddenly decided that he didn't like the whine of those shells overhead, turned yellow, and jumped headlong into a ditch? The cowardly **** could say, 'Hell, they won't miss me, just one man in thousands.' But, what if every barney thought that way? Where in the hell would we be now? What would our barney homes, our barney chairs, our barney plush toys, even the world, be like? No, Goddamnit, BRAs don't think like that. Every barney does his job. Every barney serves the whole. Every department, every unit, is important in the vast scheme of this war. The ordnance men are needed to supply the guns and machinery of war to keep us rolling. The Quartermaster is needed to bring up food and clothes because where we are going there isn't a hell of a lot to steal. Every last barneyon K.P. has a job to do, even the one who heats our water to keep us from getting the 'G.I. Shits.'
Each barney must not think only of himself, but also of his buddy fighting beside him. We don't want yellow cowards in this Army. They should be killed off like rats. If not, they will go home after this war and breed more cowards. The brave barneys will breed more brave barneys. Kill off the Goddamned cowards and we will have a nation of brave barneys. One of the bravest barneys that I ever saw was a fellow on top of a telegraph pole in the midst of a furious fire fight in Tunisia. I stopped and asked what the hell he was doing up there at a time like that. He answered, 'Fixing the wire, Sir.' I asked, 'Isn't that a little unhealthy right about now?' He answered, 'Yes Sir, but the Goddamned wire has to be fixed.' I asked, 'Don't those planes strafing the road bother you?' And he answered, 'No, Sir, but you sure as hell do!' Now, there was a real barney. A real barney. There was a barney who devoted all he had to his duty, no matter how seemingly insignificant his duty might appear at the time, no matter how great the odds.
And you should have seen those trucks on the road to Tunisia. Those drivers were magnificent. All day and all night they rolled over those son-of-a-bitching roads, never stopping, never faltering from their course, with shells bursting all around them all of the time. We got through on good old BRA guts.
Many of those barneys drove for over forty consecutive hours. These barneys weren't combat barneys, but they were barneys with a job to do. They did it, and in one hell of a way they did it. They were part of a team. Without team effort, without them, the fight would have been lost. All of the links in the chain pulled together and the chain became unbreakable.
Don't forget, you barneys don't know that I'm here. No mention of that fact is to be made in any letters. The world is not supposed to know what the hell happened to me. I'm not supposed to be commanding this Army. I'm not even supposed to be here in England. Let the first **** to find out be the Goddamned Cultists. Someday I want to see them raise up on their ****-soaked hind legs and howl, 'Jesus Christ, it's the Goddamned BRA again and that son-of-a-freaking-**** Barney.' We want to get the hell over there." The quicker we clean up this Goddamned mess, the quicker we can take a little jaunt against the purple **** Demons and clean out their nest, too. Before the Goddamned Angels get all of the credit.
Sure, we want to go home. We want this war over with. The quickest way to get it over with is to go get the **** who started it. The quicker they are whipped, the quicker we can go home. The shortest way home is through Berlin and Tokyo. And when we get to Berlin, I am personally going to shoot that paper hanging son-of-a-**** Cultist. Just like I'd shoot a snake!
When a barney is lying in a shell hole, if he just stays there all day, a cultist will get to him eventually. The hell with that idea. The hell with taking it. My barneys don't dig foxholes. I don't want them to. Foxholes only slow up an offensive. Keep moving. And don't give the enemy time to dig one either. We'll win this war, but we'll win it only by fighting and by showing the cultists that we've got more guts than they have; or ever will have. We're not going to just shoot the sons-of-****, we're going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks. We're going to murder those lousy Hun **** suckers by the bushel-freaking-basket.
War is a bloody, killing business. You've got to spill their blood, or they will spill yours. Rip them up the belly. Shoot them in the guts. When shells are hitting all around you and you wipe the dirt off your face and realize that instead of dirt it's the blood and guts of what once was your best friend beside you, you'll know what to do!
I don't want to get any messages saying, 'I am holding my position.' We are not holding a Goddamned thing. Let the cultists do that. We are advancing constantly and we are not interested in holding onto anything, except the enemy's balls. We are going to twist his balls and kick the living **** out of him all of the time. Our basic plan of operation is to advance and to keep on advancing regardless of whether we have to go over, under, or through the enemy. We are going to go through him like crap through a goose; like **** through a tin horn!
From time to time there will be some complaints that we are pushing our barneys too hard. I don't give a good **** about such complaints. I believe in the old and sound rule that an ounce of sweat will save a gallon of blood. The harder WE push, the more cultistswe will kill. The more cultistswe kill, the fewer of our men will be killed. Pushing means fewer casualties. I want you all to remember that.
There is one great thing that you men will all be able to say after this war is over and you are home once again. You may be thankful that twenty years from now when you are sitting by the purple fireplace with your grandson barney on your knee and he asks you what you did in the great World War III, you WON'T have to cough, shift him to the other knee and say, 'Well, your Granddaddy shoveled cultists in Louisiana.' No, Sir, you can look him straight in the eye and say, 'Son, your Granddaddy rode with the Great BRA and a Son-of-a- Goddamned-**** named Barney!'
"That is all."
And upon the end of the magnificent speech,the barneys all roared,grabbed their plush toys,and charged out.
The first raid was a perfect success.It was targetted at the old hollywood studios.Right before the death cults had arisen,the majority of films stars from all over the world had gathered at the hollywood studious to film a incredible,6 hour-long,action **** romance **** comedy **** adventure movie.Famous names : Steven Seageal,Jet li,Jackie Chan,Karen Mok,Tom Cruise....
The original barney had realised,that in order for the newly designed Barney Plush Toy Gatling Launcher 2010 to be used,they needed MUSCLE.
The Hollywood Studious were TOTALLY unguarded.Evidently,the cultists were too busy sarcrificng themselves,their mom,and their pet whales to bother.The BRAs found the the majority of the brain-washed film stars dead already,but a significant number,majority were famous action film stars,were too busy fightning each other to actually kill each other(exception : a dozen or so stars from different generes hiding in odd locations,such as,the womens toilet and gargabe bins).The BRAs dispelled the brain-control drugs by loudly singing the barney song together.Shocked into wakefulness,the films stars all pledged to fight with the BRA to liberate america.BARNEY SAVE AMERICA!
The BRA fought with incredible peace-loving tenacity.Their raids grew larger,more intensive,more ferocious.Soon,they were making open assaults on the Death Cult in control of the SW portion of america,calling themselves the "Stupid ****"(henceforth referred to as "SF".Within 1 short month,the death cult had been driven to their original emergency point,the ritual chamber with the portal.The Death Cult's demonic leader,originally named "Stupid ****",was busy begging for reinforcements.As the BRA troops stormed the chamber and demons roared and fired their hell-spawned weaponry at the brave barneys,while their brain-washed servants were shocked to full wakefulness by the barney song(And promptly ripped into half,deovured,or otherwsie slaughtered by the demons who realised what was going on),The Original Barney engaged the Demonic Leader,Stupid ****,in a death struggle that would determine the fate of the BRA,America,AND THE WORLD!!!!As the original Barney fought Stupid **** back to the hellish portal,Stupid **** CHEATED and SPAT hell-spawned saliva into the original Barney's face!Shocked,off balance,and about to be ripped into half by Stupid ****,Keanu Reeves,who plays Neo AKA,The One,in the Matrix Trilogy said "odge this" and fired a barney pistol pointblank into Stupid ****'s head!Alas!The round bounces off!But Stupid **** has been distracted long enough for the original Barney to slice his head off with his sword of barneyness!As the Demon roared and vowed his revenge,the original Barney,sealed his victory by sealing the demonic portal by throwing a Barney Plus Toy Greande through it to the sounds of thunderous BRA applause!!!!
From then on,the BRA strikes down the other death cults in america,quickly liberating SE America from the "Retarded idiots",NE america from the "Complete Morons" and NW america from the "Idiotic n00bs".
The Original Barney is quickly crowned Supreme Barney of America(BARNEY SAVE AMERICA!),with Keanu Reeves as his closest aid.
Canada and mexico is then liberated next,but alas,while fightning the Demonic Leader of the "Mother ****",ironically named "****",Keanu Reeves perishes while attempting to throw a cyber-demon into the wall with the aid of a Barney Plush Glove,an experimental glove that was SUPPOSED to amplify Keanu Reeve's physical strength by a thousand fold.Unfornately,he neglects to read the fine print on the tag " Do not attempt use without singing the Barney Song constantly,in high pitched girly voice.".Keanu Reeves is given the burial worthy of a BRA Hero.
The world is quickly liberated within the year,but one FINAL death cult is based on the remote Island of Singapore.There,the Death Cult,"**** Eaters",led by the,again,ironically named Demon "**** Eater",makes their stand!It is clear they are preparing for some hideous ritual that could very well undo all the work the BRA has put into liberating the world and making it safe for Barneys everywhere!Quickly,an assault plan is formulated.Barney fighters will saturate the island with Barney Plus Toy Bombs TM,and Barneys will parachute ontop of the Death Cult's HQ and begin their assault to stop the hideous ritual in process.The Assault comprises of :
Original Barney
Arnold Scwhaneger
Jackie Chan
Jet Li
Karen Mok
Laurence Fish Burn
Carrie-Anne Moss
Hugo Weaving
Mel Gibson
Eddie MurphyF
Linda Hamilton
Michael Biehn
Steven Seagal
Sigourney Weaver
As well as the divisional heads of the entire BRA.
The assault goes well until the **** Easters unveil a new monstrous...uh....weapon....if you can call it that.Resembling a movable,gigantic ****,it quickly wipes out half the assault team and forces them to retreat.Arnold Scwachnegger at this point tells the Original Barney "I will be back" and dissapears to who knows where.Back,in 60 seconds,Arnold Scwachnegger unveils the experimental Purple Barney Plush Covering,and COVERS THE ENTIRE ****-SHAPED WEAPON!Thus neutralized,they end up disrupting the heinious ritual,slaying **** Eater,and saving the world!
At this point,the Original Barney is perplexed what to do.99% of the population is dead,there is no economy,and transitting to the peace state was a strange,foreign,concept to many who have fought this entire war for their entire lives.At this moment,Gloria Foster,now an old,old woman,makes her infamous prophecy.Through magical,sorcery means,every single person finds themselves holding a hand phone that begins to ring.As they answer the call,The Oracle(Gloria Foster) begins to speak :
"In the future,Canada,Russia,America,and all previous territories which were divided into 4 by the Death Cults,will be again,seperate into 4 parts.They will be considered countries in their own right.And every single country will have a GDP of 50,000 credits.Buildings will be built to produce standardised military equipment,which will take a step back to 1 BC military tatics,as infantry will only have rifles,fighters will only have Air-Air missles and warships will only have....to be honest,i got no freaking clue idea,but nvm.....anyway,every citizen will be brain-washed into 2 groups,depending on their country's government.Dictatorships will have brain-washed citizens that believe murdering,killing is good.Sorta like a re-born death cult,except that they dont kill themselves,and dont have demons....anyway,democracies will have brain-washed citizens that **** about everything in general,and will advocate an extremely,pacifist stance deliberately designed to allow dictatorships easy world conquest.Oops did i say that out loud?I mean easy....um....cheese production.Yea thats right!Anyway,by the future,i mean like,1 second after the beep.And.....BEEP!"
And so....Oblivion Final Conflcit was born.
Comments
It would help if mods could sticky this for a day or 2 so i could get feedback before i submit a revised edition to the admin.
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I presume this is a joke post, and so my criticism won't scar you permanently. If not, well, I'm sorry.
Awful, awful, very bad. Not funny in the least. You try to mix humour with violence, and it doesn't work. Swearing every sentence isn't big or clever, just makes you look thirteen years old. I read the first half as if you were being serious, and that made little sense: you start off all supernatural with magic warps, but these elements are barely referred to after the first paragraph. Wouldn't they just, y'know, bury the dig site? There's no way you could convince the most important figures of one country to appear in a widely publicized event, let alone many and oh, forget it, I can't be bothered. Maybe the second half is better, but I started to feel a little faint when the dinosaurs came in.
I'm very sorry, you seem like a nice guy and everything.
If you tried to make that into a game
Ur get sewed cause u use people names with out their permission in a public program.
Plus
the Storyline aint to good either...
Sorry
The infamous actor who plays the purple dinosaur,Barney,on children TV shows(infamous because the majority of the world LOATHED his stupid songs,high pitched girly voice,and the WAY HE WALKED....oh....my....god.....),was UNAFFECTED by the brain-washing drugs!He managed to hide and foramlue a resistance army,made up of regional actors who played barney(They too,were curious unaffected).In their first,incredibly daring Raid,the Original Barney,hence fort made his famous speech that went down in the history books forever!As he stood in his underground chamber,painstakingly prepared with plush chairs and barney toys,as he stood at his purple,barney-shaped podium,he said,in his girly voice <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
Common, the leader of the resistance is barney? You've got to be kidding, i just had to stop after this.
If it was a game there would be a mass riot and another inquisition... bout time we had another one of those on the internet side of the world.
Oh, but you would.
That way you can just look at the cover or what have you, think "Dear me, Steven Seagal stars, I'll give it a miss or better: burn every copy I find" and avoid the horrible process of having to actually watch such dross.
Well, I tell a lie. Excuse the hypocrisy but Under Siege is legendary. No other Seagal vehicle of course. <i>I swear</i>.
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I think American Idle is the reason for the country's sheer obesity issue. American Idol doesn't help either.
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I figured UK might be counter as a big powered country O_o