Funny War Stories.
I sat down with my gramps and his brother yesterday, at a family reunion. They both served in WW2. One was in the Africa campaign, the other, in Normandy, MARKET GARDEN, and Battle of the Bulge. I sat down, and wrote down things...I actually find them funny to the extreme...
The one who served in Africa
"I was a private, a tank driver. Anyways, I was sitting by the side of my tank, reading a newspaper and just relaxing. All of a sudden I felt a horrible itch when I breathed out...and the normal human reaction? I picked my nose. Half-way through the nose picking, a shadow fell over me. I looked up with my finger stuck full up my nose. General Patton...standing over me...with a bunch of Army planners and such. I slowly started to take my finger out of my nose. "Soldier, did I give you an order to take your finger from your nose?" He asked. I, of course, gave him a full blown no sir, which sounded very high pitch. "Carry on soldier, and hunt that booger down." He then walked off, with the group of Army people staring at me.
The one who was in Normandy, Market Garden, and Battle of the Bulge.
" was a private just like my brother. I was a relacement for a man who broke both of his legs in a jeep accident at our "sausage" They were called this because from above, the field looked like a sausage. I dont know why, know one knows why really, but each man was given 42 condoms! And as such, men who have much time on thier hands, do stupid things. I filled up a condom with water, and flung it at a Limey who was stationing an AA gun. Long story short, it became the battle of the condoms...the british put up a good fight, but we focused fire, they didnt. It was interesting to see soldiers flinging water-filled condoms at eachother, and while using field tactics! Alas, we never got to see who won, an air raid signal blasted off and we had to scurry to the tents. Also, condoms were used very interestingly. Many of us (including me) fitted our M1 barrle's with a condom, and tied it off, to prevent water getting down the barrle if we hit down in a lake. I tied my watch off in one when I was in the stack, flying close to the coast of France, but alas, it could not hold a wallet. I did land in a lake, and my wallet was lost...it was a nice one to. Another note, during breifing of the attack, one man said only one out of 10 men would survive out there. I looked to my left, looked to my right, and thought "those poor ****."
My entire stick of men did survive, but two had broken arms from landing so hard.
Market Garden.
"The only thing I can say that was really interesting about MG, is that I was wounded. I had hid behinde a small tree at the edge of a clearing. I looked behinde me to see what was out there. A burst from a mg42 cut through the tree, and a round landed strait onto my bottocks. The tree wasnt big enough for my ****."
Battle of the Bulge
In horrer I learned that if a man was away from his unit for more than 20 days, starting that day, he would be repossitioned into another unit. I escaped the hospital, and joined up with my unit on the way to the woods. They called me "the cook" for the entire time. I had aquired a blanket, and spread it over the top of a 155mm hole, perfect size of a foxhole to! I soon employed my cooking skills to try and feed the men. But unfortunitly, even 30 seconds out in the cold made the food almost frozen. I had cooked white navy beans one night, and it produced the most astonishing gastronomical outbursts anyone has heard. We thought the Germans could zero in on us just because of the noise.
The one who served in Africa
"I was a private, a tank driver. Anyways, I was sitting by the side of my tank, reading a newspaper and just relaxing. All of a sudden I felt a horrible itch when I breathed out...and the normal human reaction? I picked my nose. Half-way through the nose picking, a shadow fell over me. I looked up with my finger stuck full up my nose. General Patton...standing over me...with a bunch of Army planners and such. I slowly started to take my finger out of my nose. "Soldier, did I give you an order to take your finger from your nose?" He asked. I, of course, gave him a full blown no sir, which sounded very high pitch. "Carry on soldier, and hunt that booger down." He then walked off, with the group of Army people staring at me.
The one who was in Normandy, Market Garden, and Battle of the Bulge.
" was a private just like my brother. I was a relacement for a man who broke both of his legs in a jeep accident at our "sausage" They were called this because from above, the field looked like a sausage. I dont know why, know one knows why really, but each man was given 42 condoms! And as such, men who have much time on thier hands, do stupid things. I filled up a condom with water, and flung it at a Limey who was stationing an AA gun. Long story short, it became the battle of the condoms...the british put up a good fight, but we focused fire, they didnt. It was interesting to see soldiers flinging water-filled condoms at eachother, and while using field tactics! Alas, we never got to see who won, an air raid signal blasted off and we had to scurry to the tents. Also, condoms were used very interestingly. Many of us (including me) fitted our M1 barrle's with a condom, and tied it off, to prevent water getting down the barrle if we hit down in a lake. I tied my watch off in one when I was in the stack, flying close to the coast of France, but alas, it could not hold a wallet. I did land in a lake, and my wallet was lost...it was a nice one to. Another note, during breifing of the attack, one man said only one out of 10 men would survive out there. I looked to my left, looked to my right, and thought "those poor ****."
My entire stick of men did survive, but two had broken arms from landing so hard.
Market Garden.
"The only thing I can say that was really interesting about MG, is that I was wounded. I had hid behinde a small tree at the edge of a clearing. I looked behinde me to see what was out there. A burst from a mg42 cut through the tree, and a round landed strait onto my bottocks. The tree wasnt big enough for my ****."
Battle of the Bulge
In horrer I learned that if a man was away from his unit for more than 20 days, starting that day, he would be repossitioned into another unit. I escaped the hospital, and joined up with my unit on the way to the woods. They called me "the cook" for the entire time. I had aquired a blanket, and spread it over the top of a 155mm hole, perfect size of a foxhole to! I soon employed my cooking skills to try and feed the men. But unfortunitly, even 30 seconds out in the cold made the food almost frozen. I had cooked white navy beans one night, and it produced the most astonishing gastronomical outbursts anyone has heard. We thought the Germans could zero in on us just because of the noise.
Comments
Patton = PWNED!
<i>WHAT?</i>
He was an american replacement, and certainly no one else but americans faught with the 101st!
My grandfather was always a jerk (treated everyone horribly) so I never talked to him. I didn't know fought in WW2 until at his funeral...
Seriously, I understand the forces of nationalism and that the majority of Germans weren't "Nazis" but rather patriotic Germans.
My grandfather was also in the army during WW2. He didn't share much about it, though once, when I was too immature to grasp what he was saying, he explained how he got his Bronze Star. From what I recall, his unit was retreating but needed covering fire. He offered to stay behind and fire the machine gun at an exposed position. He also got the purple heart. He drew out a little map, but I don't recall it.
As for a funny story. I forget where this was at the time, but their unit leader got replaced with this straight-outta-westpoint type. He demanded things be done by the book. So this group of guys, who'd been seeing combat, were expected to get up at 5 everyday for calistinics when not in combat. My grandfather basically told him to shove it.
EDIT
And if this isn't the greatest oxymoron topic these forums have ever seen...
On an unrelated, my grandfather's brother was a bomber pilot, shot down over germany. He spent 10 months in a PoW before being resuced.
He was indeed. Once in a military field hospital he found an unwounded man who was suffering from shell shock. Enraged Patton pulled off his glove and slapped him around a bit. This worried quite a few people and caused more than a slight amount of aggravation. He later apologised but he certainly didn't regret it.
May I present <a href='http://www.rightwingnews.com/speeches/patton.php' target='_blank'>Patton's Speech</a> the day before D-Day.
Its reads wonderfully. Its glorfies war, obviously, but it really captures the spirit Allied war effort.
Warning: Intense swearing in link :-)
Besides, Rommel was in on one of the attempts to have Hitler assasinated. It failed and he suicided after that, but my respect for him went way up after hearing that.
My grandfather was a medic in the Second World War, and fought in the South African army. I can't remember anything funny off the top of my head...
I know that he was in Tobruk when it fell, so he spent something like five years as a POW first in the hands of the Italians and then in the hands of the Germans. It sounds bad, but if he hadn't moved to South Africa (and ultimately fought in the war) he'd probably have ended up in a concentration camp since he was born in Riga, Latvia.
He said it was really strange when the Allies arrived and liberated the POW camp he was in. He just woke up one morning to find the camp pretty much deserted, and simply walked out to meet the Canadian troops there. One morning he was a POW, the next morning he was free.
Can't remember anything especially funny, sorry. Quite a few interesting anecdotes, most of which I can't remember all the details of (he's written it all down, though (fortunately)) but nothing really humourous.
I think it was to put over their rifle barrels. I can't remember...
<!--QuoteBegin--></span><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin-->And if this isn't the greatest oxymoron topic these forums have ever seen...
On an unrelated, my grandfather's brother was a bomber pilot, shot down over germany. He spent 10 months in a PoW before being resuced. <!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
How's that an oxymoron?
While many statistics were withheld from the general american public until many many many years after WW2, the U.S. boys were quite sexually active overseas. Before going to war, many troops had to sit through educational classes about STDs and usage of birth control.
(history channel hooks you up with crazy info)
Lastly, I read something to the effect that more men were in some hospitals because of STDs as opposed to actual battle injuries. (I believe this was mostly on the pacific battles).
Blasted horny yanks. They should find there own blasted women!
Chocks away lads!
His helmet was hit, and it was hit at a certian angle that the bullet entered the helmet at the front then rode on the curve, then went out the back (while his head was in it).
He showed me the helmet and theres a thin groove where the bullet made its mark. He said he lost some hair when the bullet wized by. Yikes!
The title of this thread is. Funny (as in HA HA!) War (as in AAAAAAAAHH GOD THE HUMANITY BOOM!!! RATATATATA KABLOOIE! Tell my wife... urk...) Stories. Huh?
Yes, the condoms were used to cover rifle openings when it rained or when they needed to travel through wet areas. They were also used for pleasure, though this had the unfortunate side effect of forstalling any improvement in the French bloodline. :-P
yeah right
bloody yanks came over here and nicked all the good women
get back to america you dirty ****
My grandpa served in WWII and trained Marines in Korea. He earned a silver and bronze star and was apart of the first wave that hit the Omaha Beach head. This was what his secret was to winning little fire fights.
Dig a Hole.
apparently the main thing my grand father did was train his men to dig holes in dirt rather quickly (sand it was no problem) but this allowed them to be defencive and hold out alot longer till reinforcements arrive. Normandy was a tricky landing due to low tide and beach protection.
He also seen the Battle of the Bulge! He never really talked about it much.
Sadly he passed away 6 years ago.
Condoms in rifle muzzles(not barrels) were used in the Gulf war as well! they helped keep sand out of the chamber!
Don't think Rommel was such a good guy because he wasn't.
or, you may have just wanted the bullet, in which case, you would be slightly dissapointed, and also rather disgusted
hell yeah lol
Besides, Rommel was in on one of the attempts to have Hitler assasinated. It failed and he suicided after that, but my respect for him went way up after hearing that. <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
I'm another fan of Rommel (if you can call it that). However, he wasn't a part of the assasination plot against Hitler. Hitler had other ideas however, and sent Rommel a letter telling him to commit suicide or they would kill his wife and kids. They then buried him with full military honors and paid his family. It is a real shame that happened because he was one of the best tacticians to have ever lived.
My dad didn't have much direction after high school, so he joined the army, intending on fighting in Vietnam. Since he enlisted, he got to chose his job. He chose weatherman.
They sent him to Panama.
Now, if you have someone who WANTS to go to Vietnam... wouldn't you send him there?
Nope! Military intelligence.
Now THIS is stupid/funny...
While in Panama, he requests a TRANSFER to Vietnam.
And is DENIED! If he signed up for another 13 month tour, he could have gone.
Once his tour in Panama ended, he wisely changed his mind :-)