Extraction - A Short Story

iddqdiddqd Join Date: 2002-11-07 Member: 7596Members, Constellation
in Fan-Fiction Forum
<div class="IPBDescription">for school</div> hey, I need a favor from you guys

this paper is from my creative writing class, it's about 5 pages double spaced

can you please read this and post FEEDBACK please

thank you.
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Comments

  • AleksejevAleksejev Join Date: 2002-11-07 Member: 7582Members
    nice story, but a bit too short. you could continue with the storyline since it has no apparent ending <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif'><!--endemo--> and i suggest you do <!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif'><!--endemo-->
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  • iddqdiddqd Join Date: 2002-11-07 Member: 7596Members, Constellation
    thank you for the feedback <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif'><!--endemo-->

    if any of you others can give feedback that would be great.
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  • TalesinTalesin Our own little well of hate Join Date: 2002-11-08 Member: 7710NS1 Playtester, Forum Moderators
    Any way to post this in just a standard TXT? .DOCs aren't all that kind toward other than windoze-drones.
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  • iddqdiddqd Join Date: 2002-11-07 Member: 7596Members, Constellation
    text:
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  • TalesinTalesin Our own little well of hate Join Date: 2002-11-08 Member: 7710NS1 Playtester, Forum Moderators
    Hmm. Just one bit of advice.. if you're going for a cinematic setting, remember. Marines who die, are dead. It's not an 'acceptable loss'.. and if someone comes back with half their team left in chunky-salsa mode on some floor, it's likely going to have a bit more emotional impact than 'Got back, bought the milk.. oh, yeah. Fred and Sam got ripped into tiny scraps on the way back. Any idea when the next two will be showing up?'. Not Marines breaking down into tears, but not something that's going to be brushed off lightly. As a player, you respawn as a reinforcement. A new Marine.. not the same one brought back.
    On that aspect, seems a little too much like game-narration, when viewing it from a character/story standpoint.
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  • CanadianWolverineCanadianWolverine Join Date: 2003-02-07 Member: 13249Members
    <!--QuoteBegin--Talesin+Mar 4 2003, 01:48 AM--></span><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> (Talesin @ Mar 4 2003, 01:48 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--> It's not an 'acceptable loss'.. and if someone comes back with half their team left in chunky-salsa mode on some floor, it's likely going to have a bit more emotional impact than 'Got back, bought the milk.. oh, yeah. Fred and Sam got ripped into tiny scraps on the way back. Any idea when the next two will be showing up?'. <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
    I don't know, this is the cold hearted future of space faring uber corperations, for example TSA who pays our marine bills, especially the popular "Girls of the TSA" channel...
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