Fear no Squid! I'll make you a master of Cam-Fu (TM)!
BQuimby
Join Date: 2019-02-26 Member: 251353Members
Join Date: 2019-02-26 Member: 251353Members
Tired of getting sea-bottom muck kicked in your face by sneering Crabsquids? Fed up of them hanging around in rowdy groups blocking you from vital locations? Worried your Cuddlefish will leave you when it sees how you flee from these boggle-eyed delinquents? Worry no more! I will teach you the ancient[1] martial secrets of Cam-Fu (TM)!! Cam-Fu (TM) will enable you to rid yourself of these interfering creatures for good!!![2] For one low, low payment of one hundred Kyanite, I will make you the envy of your friends, and romantically appealing to the partner of your choice, guaranteed!!![3]
Ready to learn the ancient martial secrets of Cam-Fu (TM)?!?! Then follow these simple instructions:
A - Before starting you will need to have gathered sufficient resources to build and power a scanner room, and - depending on the number of squid you must tackle - for additional cameras (Note: resources not supplied by Cam Fu (TM) Corporation).
B - Find a neutral, safe space, free from distractions. Important: the space must be located within 250-275 metres of the Crabsquids that are causing you problems.
C - Construct and power up the scanner room, and enter the room.
D - Breathe deeply, and enter a peaceful, yet supremely violent state of mind - this mind-state is the key to defeating Crabsquids[4].
E - Access your first camera, and go to find the Crabsquid. As you will know, Crabsquids ignore cameras, so the spindle-legged fool will be entirely unaware of its oncoming doom!
F - With a blood curdling scream [5], rush your camera at the squid's big bobbling head. Upon contacting the squid, a muffled clang and a puff of yellow squid blood will signal your blow has hit home!
G - The squid will attempt to flee, but follow it and keep bashing it with the camera!!!! If you can, get right inside the bulbous, squishy head-membrane - you will see its creepy eyes from behind, this is a sign that you are in a good position to keep doing damage, so just move around inside its head, bashing away, bathed in a sickly haze of xanthous squid fluids!!!
H - Continue squid-bashing until it dies. You will know the Crabsquid is dead when it leans its head back and floats motionless upwards. It will also stop producing blood when hit. This process will take around 50-70% of the camera's health points, and require around 2 minutes, depending on your camera piloting skills.
I - If there is more than one squid in the area, repeat steps F-H until the area is cleared.
Success! You are now a master of Cam-Fu(TM)! Remember: now you have turned your Cams into deadly weapons, you must use them only for defensive purposes, and not to randomly beat up on Crabsquids minding their own business. Even if it is super-fun to do that.
Terms and Conditions: Cam-Fu technique only tested on PS4. Cam-Fu Corporation is not responsible for loss or damage to cameras used in the Cam-Fu technique, nor to any injury and/or fatality occasioned by use of the technique, nor for anything else, ever (ask our lawyers). Cam-Fu works best in enclosed spaces such as caves, where squid cannot easily escape. Remember, Crabsquids can go up as well as down, and Cam-Fu Corporation cannot guarantee fleeing Crabsquids will not blunder into areas you don't want them in. WARNING: Although it may work, Cam-Fu has not been tested on other hostile fauna, and Cam-Fu Corporation makes no representations regarding its effectiveness thereto, nor will they accept claims for damages from people trying it on really dangerous things, like Reapers[6]. Such people are clearly idiots. IMPORTANT: Crabsquids can and will respawn, it is important to use Cam-Fu regularly on areas you wish to keep squid-free.
[1] Please note: "ancient" is a relative term, meaning "discovered a couple of weeks ago".
[2] Please note: "For good" means "until they respawn". Which is quite a while, for Crabsquids.
[3] Please note: Not actually guaranteed.
[4] Please note: Key to defeating Crabsquids is actually bashing them on the head with a camera.
[5] Please note: Scream is optional.
[6] OK, we tried it on a Ghost Leviathan once. It did not end well...
(c) 2019 B. Quimby, trading as Cam-Fu (TM) Corporation.
Ready to learn the ancient martial secrets of Cam-Fu (TM)?!?! Then follow these simple instructions:
A - Before starting you will need to have gathered sufficient resources to build and power a scanner room, and - depending on the number of squid you must tackle - for additional cameras (Note: resources not supplied by Cam Fu (TM) Corporation).
B - Find a neutral, safe space, free from distractions. Important: the space must be located within 250-275 metres of the Crabsquids that are causing you problems.
C - Construct and power up the scanner room, and enter the room.
D - Breathe deeply, and enter a peaceful, yet supremely violent state of mind - this mind-state is the key to defeating Crabsquids[4].
E - Access your first camera, and go to find the Crabsquid. As you will know, Crabsquids ignore cameras, so the spindle-legged fool will be entirely unaware of its oncoming doom!
F - With a blood curdling scream [5], rush your camera at the squid's big bobbling head. Upon contacting the squid, a muffled clang and a puff of yellow squid blood will signal your blow has hit home!
G - The squid will attempt to flee, but follow it and keep bashing it with the camera!!!! If you can, get right inside the bulbous, squishy head-membrane - you will see its creepy eyes from behind, this is a sign that you are in a good position to keep doing damage, so just move around inside its head, bashing away, bathed in a sickly haze of xanthous squid fluids!!!
H - Continue squid-bashing until it dies. You will know the Crabsquid is dead when it leans its head back and floats motionless upwards. It will also stop producing blood when hit. This process will take around 50-70% of the camera's health points, and require around 2 minutes, depending on your camera piloting skills.
I - If there is more than one squid in the area, repeat steps F-H until the area is cleared.
Success! You are now a master of Cam-Fu(TM)! Remember: now you have turned your Cams into deadly weapons, you must use them only for defensive purposes, and not to randomly beat up on Crabsquids minding their own business. Even if it is super-fun to do that.
Terms and Conditions: Cam-Fu technique only tested on PS4. Cam-Fu Corporation is not responsible for loss or damage to cameras used in the Cam-Fu technique, nor to any injury and/or fatality occasioned by use of the technique, nor for anything else, ever (ask our lawyers). Cam-Fu works best in enclosed spaces such as caves, where squid cannot easily escape. Remember, Crabsquids can go up as well as down, and Cam-Fu Corporation cannot guarantee fleeing Crabsquids will not blunder into areas you don't want them in. WARNING: Although it may work, Cam-Fu has not been tested on other hostile fauna, and Cam-Fu Corporation makes no representations regarding its effectiveness thereto, nor will they accept claims for damages from people trying it on really dangerous things, like Reapers[6]. Such people are clearly idiots. IMPORTANT: Crabsquids can and will respawn, it is important to use Cam-Fu regularly on areas you wish to keep squid-free.
[1] Please note: "ancient" is a relative term, meaning "discovered a couple of weeks ago".
[2] Please note: "For good" means "until they respawn". Which is quite a while, for Crabsquids.
[3] Please note: Not actually guaranteed.
[4] Please note: Key to defeating Crabsquids is actually bashing them on the head with a camera.
[5] Please note: Scream is optional.
[6] OK, we tried it on a Ghost Leviathan once. It did not end well...
(c) 2019 B. Quimby, trading as Cam-Fu (TM) Corporation.
Comments
Dear Cam-Fu Initiate,
We at Cam-Fu (TM) Corporation are excited by your enthusiasm for our product, and are very sorry to hear you have encountered issues with the technique caused by your inability to follow the Cam-Fu instructions correctly. Regrettably, on this occasion, or indeed, any other, we will be unable to assist with such a problem, as our legally-binding agreement with you clearly states (or at least heavily implies) that we are not responsible for any negative effect you experience consequent to your use of the technique (please see the T&Cs above, clause 2, where we state " Cam-Fu Corporation is not responsible for...anything else, ever"). This clause covers all post-technique circumstances, including (but not limited to) hostile aquatic fauna imperfectly playing woodwind instruments.
We hope you are not too disappointed by this unalterable fact, and would warmly encourage you to never contact us again.
Yours,
Cam-FU Corporation Customer Service