Zombie Jesus is a Paradox

lolfighterlolfighter Snark, Dire Join Date: 2003-04-20 Member: 15693Members
He's Jesus, so shredding him with a chainsaw is inherently wrong.
He's a zombie, so shredding him with a chainsaw is inherently right.

Nothing to discuss, but this is important information that has to be shared. Zombie Jesus is a danger to logic.

Comments

  • The_Flying_FishThe_Flying_Fish Join Date: 2003-11-30 Member: 23757Members
    edited April 2007
    Jesus would encourage you to do what is right for your fellow man. So I guess he'd forgive you in the end, then eat your brains because Jesus is unkillable.

    EDIT: Just thought I'd point out my logic now hurts.
  • ScytheScythe Join Date: 2002-01-25 Member: 46NS1 Playtester, Forum Moderators, Constellation, Reinforced - Silver
    edited April 2007
    Goddamned concept-stealing bugger.

    Let's look at two case studies by comparing their key attributes:

    A) Person is assumed to be dead and sealed away under two metres of dirt or a stone slab,

    B) Person gets up and walks about.

    Two fictional cases have these attributes in common: The resurrection of Jesus and Zombies.

    Ergo: Jesus was a zombie. QED.

    --Scythe--
  • RedfordRedford Monorailcatfjord Join Date: 2002-04-28 Member: 528Members, NS1 Playtester
    I will respond just like Osaka would in this situation.


    HUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!


    Problem solved.
  • RobRob Unknown Enemy Join Date: 2002-01-24 Member: 25Members, NS1 Playtester
    To Recap:

    1: Jesus died on the cross and descended into hell to see his brother (Satan).

    2: On the third day, Jesus rose from the dead (no more room in hell).

    3: Jesus shall return to form his kingdom some day. Some believe in the "rapture" in which all the dead of previous years will rise.


    From these facts, we conclude:

    A: Jesus was zombified.

    B: The end of days shall be brought about by an army of zombies.

    C: Sales of the Zombie Survival Guide shall skyrocket.


    Further research is required to answer these questions:

    1: If Jesus was a zombie, what does that make his disciples?

    2: If one successfully fends off the zombie hoards of the end times, what will happen next?
  • scaryfacescaryface Join Date: 2002-11-25 Member: 9918Members
    edited April 2007
    i thought jesus was a zombie...

    My understanding of christianity seems to be a bit off.

    -----------------------------

    On a side note, if Jesus did return, do you even think anyone would believe him? I've always wondered about this. Does it bother anyone that Jesus may be in some mental institution right now? For all we know, he may have come back to life, tried and eventually given up on convincing people that he was jesus and died a lonely death. If jesus returned, people wouldn't even be impressed by his miracles. scientists could explain it off and even die hard christians would think he was a very average magician... that or possessed..
  • ThansalThansal The New Scum Join Date: 2002-08-22 Member: 1215Members, Constellation
    What about this?

    Can Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter Kill Jesus The Zombie?

    BODY OF CHRIST!
  • puzlpuzl The Old Firm Join Date: 2003-02-26 Member: 14029Retired Developer, NS1 Playtester, Forum Moderators, Constellation
    <!--quoteo--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->
    He's Jesus, so shredding him with a chainsaw is inherently wrong.
    <!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

    This is only as true for Jesus as it is for any other person.

    And we know from Zombie movies that it is okay to shred any person turned zombie, regardless of the position of privilege they occupied before the zombification[1].


    So there is no Paradox, only in the minds of those who cannot accept that Zombie status trumps all else, which is to say, those who don't have enough grey matter to be interesting to Zombies in the first place.

    [1] boss, cute kid from next door, teacher, personification of a deity in human form )
  • ScytheScythe Join Date: 2002-01-25 Member: 46NS1 Playtester, Forum Moderators, Constellation, Reinforced - Silver
    What would zombie Jesus preach? Assuming that he would extol similar virtues to his new "life-disadvantaged" brethren to those that he taught when he was alive, his sermons would be along the lines of "Grraarhhhh! Grhha ughhag hhuuuurrraaaggh!"

    Translation: Blessed are the brain-eaters, for with their hungry, grasping hands a new world will be built.

    --Scythe--
  • RobRob Unknown Enemy Join Date: 2002-01-24 Member: 25Members, NS1 Playtester
    "On one occasion, the road was blocked by town scholars and profits who attempted to catch Zombie Jesus in a lie, saying, 'Teacher, does not the law state that it is wrong for a woman to eat the brains of a man, and that any woman who does so shall be chainsawed immediately? Does it not also state that to chainsaw another is the most deadly of sin?'

    Zombie Jesus rebuked them saying, 'Uhhhh. URR. Trmph.' Which, in the ancient language was, 'Hypocrites, test not my faith. You try to defeat the law by using the law against itself. I am not bound by such menial walls.'

    At this, the nay-sayers were silent and allowed Zombie Jesus to pass."
  • lolfighterlolfighter Snark, Dire Join Date: 2003-04-20 Member: 15693Members
    These zombie hoards you spoke of, are they like dragon hoards? I wonder what sorts of treasure they'd contain.

    "Hmm, let's see. This chest contains... brains. And this chest over here contains brains. The barrel here... also contains brains. This one has guts in it. Well, I guess anyone needs variety. Here's an arm. Gift from a friend? Souvenir from a victim? Oh wait, teeth marks. Appetizer. And here we have... no! No, this is foul! It's... an apple! And it's FRESH! This... this zombie is a DEVIANT!"
  • ZigZig ...I am Captain Planet&#33; Join Date: 2002-10-23 Member: 1576Members
    <!--quoteo--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec--><img src="http://www.ninjapirate.com/images/supersaiyanjesus.jpg" border="0" alt="IPB Image" />

    <blockquote>"For The Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the archangel's call, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first; then we who are alive, who are left, shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet The Lord in the air." (1 Thessalonians 4:16-17 RSV)</blockquote> 1. Jesus will come back to life
    2. Jesus will fly around

    <blockquote>"And with bright yellow aura will he fall appear the sign of the Son of man in heaven, and then all the tribes of the earth will mourn, and they will see the Son of man coming on the clouds of heaven with power and great strength." (Matthew 24:29-31 RSV)</blockquote> 1. Jesus will have a bright yellow aura around him
    2. Jesus will be ripped and powerful

    <blockquote>"Then TheLord will go forth and fight against those nations as when He fights on a day of battle." (Zechariah 14:3-5)</blockquote> 1. Jesus will love to fight.

    <blockquote>"On that day the Mount of Olives shall be split in two from east to west by a very wide valley; so that one half of the Mount shall withdraw northward, and the other half southward; and you shall flee as you fled from the earthquake in the days of Uzziah king of Judah." (Zechariah 14:3-5)</blockquote> 2. Jesus will create widespread panic through geographical disasters and earthquakes.

    In conclusion: Jesus will come, fly around with a yellow aura around him, fight all the time, and in doing so creating giant holes in the terrain with his super powers.

    <!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
  • LikuLiku I, am the Somberlain. Join Date: 2003-01-10 Member: 12128Members
    <!--quoteo(post=1620004:date=Apr 10 2007, 05:39 AM:name=lolfighter)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(lolfighter @ Apr 10 2007, 05:39 AM) [snapback]1620004[/snapback]</div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->
    He's Jesus, so shredding him with a chainsaw is inherently wrong.
    <!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
    Well that depends, I wouldn't mind cutting into his face.
  • QuaunautQuaunaut The longest seven days in history... Join Date: 2003-03-21 Member: 14759Members, Constellation, Reinforced - Shadow
    I'm pretty sure being the SON OF GOD totally overrides Zombification.
  • TyrainTyrain Join Date: 2003-01-03 Member: 11746Members
    <!--quoteo(post=1620110:date=Apr 10 2007, 09:45 PM:name=Quaunaut)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Quaunaut @ Apr 10 2007, 09:45 PM) [snapback]1620110[/snapback]</div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->
    I'm pretty sure being the SON OF GOD totally overrides Zombification.
    <!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

    They won't take that at the airport, why would Satan give a damn?

    "Your passport please, Sir."
    "I'm Jesus, Son of God, I don't need a Passport."
    "Well in this case, Jesus, Sir, we can't let you on the plane."
    "Ah, to hell with you!" *Jesus blushes* "Well, guess I'll have to fly there myself then."
    *Jesus takes off and everyone is stunned.*
  • DOOManiacDOOManiac Worst. Critic. Ever. Join Date: 2002-04-17 Member: 462Members, NS1 Playtester
    <!--quoteo(post=1620020:date=Apr 10 2007, 08:39 AM:name=Rob)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Rob @ Apr 10 2007, 08:39 AM) [snapback]1620020[/snapback]</div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->1: If Jesus was a zombie, what does that make his disciples?<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

    Food.
  • scaryfacescaryface Join Date: 2002-11-25 Member: 9918Members
    <!--quoteo(post=1620112:date=Apr 10 2007, 02:51 PM:name=Tyrain)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Tyrain @ Apr 10 2007, 02:51 PM) [snapback]1620112[/snapback]</div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->
    They won't take that at the airport, why would Satan give a damn?

    "Your passport please, Sir."
    "I'm Jesus, Son of God, I don't need a Passport."
    "Well in this case, Jesus, Sir, we can't let you on the plane."
    "Ah, to hell with you!" *Jesus blushes* "Well, guess I'll have to fly there myself then."
    *Jesus takes off and everyone is stunned.*
    <!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

    Ah! i've found my new sig!
  • FaskaliaFaskalia Wechsellichtzeichenanlage Join Date: 2004-09-12 Member: 31651Members, Constellation
    <!--quoteo(post=1620020:date=Apr 10 2007, 03:39 PM:name=Rob)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Rob @ Apr 10 2007, 03:39 PM) [snapback]1620020[/snapback]</div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->
    To Recap:
    3: Jesus shall return to form his kingdom some day. Some believe in the "rapture" in which all the dead of previous years will rise.
    <!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

    oO

    It's going to be ###### crowded around here <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/confused-fix.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="???" border="0" alt="confused-fix.gif" />
  • ThansalThansal The New Scum Join Date: 2002-08-22 Member: 1215Members, Constellation
    <!--quoteo(post=1620257:date=Apr 11 2007, 09:55 AM:name=Faskalia)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Faskalia @ Apr 11 2007, 09:55 AM) [snapback]1620257[/snapback]</div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->
    oO

    It's going to be ###### crowded around here <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/confused-fix.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="???" border="0" alt="confused-fix.gif" />
    <!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

    Yah.

    But remeber, only the "Good" people (those that died in a state of grace) will rise. Also, once they have come back, they will be sweapt up into the air (alogn with those alive, and in a state of grace, and taken off to heaven).

    so it will only sorta be crowded <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tounge.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":p" border="0" alt="tounge.gif" />
  • Dethwish_JDethwish_J Join Date: 2007-04-01 Member: 60546Members
    <!--quoteo(post=1620020:date=Apr 10 2007, 02:39 PM:name=Rob)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Rob @ Apr 10 2007, 02:39 PM) [snapback]1620020[/snapback]</div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->
    To Recap:

    1: Jesus died on the cross and descended into hell to see his brother (Satan).
    <!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

    I don't know the story as in-depth as you do but I thought you had to do something quite sinful to go to hell. What was Jesus' sin? Being too nice? Not resisting death?
  • UltimaGeckoUltimaGecko hates endnotes Join Date: 2003-05-14 Member: 16320Members
    <!--quoteo(post=1620288:date=Apr 11 2007, 12:02 PM:name=Dethwish_J)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Dethwish_J @ Apr 11 2007, 12:02 PM) [snapback]1620288[/snapback]</div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->
    I don't know the story as in-depth as you do but I thought you had to do something quite sinful to go to hell. What was Jesus' sin? Being too nice? Not resisting death?
    <!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

    Now, I haven't gone to church in many years, so this may be bassackwards, but I thought he fought Satan for 3 days before the whole resurrection thing; not an 'eternity-affair' like most visiters to hell.
  • RobRob Unknown Enemy Join Date: 2002-01-24 Member: 25Members, NS1 Playtester
    <!--quoteo(post=1620288:date=Apr 11 2007, 01:02 PM:name=Dethwish_J)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Dethwish_J @ Apr 11 2007, 01:02 PM) [snapback]1620288[/snapback]</div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->
    I don't know the story as in-depth as you do but I thought you had to do something quite sinful to go to hell. What was Jesus' sin? Being too nice? Not resisting death?
    <!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

    Jesus did not sin. But as the story goes, he took the opportunity provided by his death to go to hell and try to talk some since into Satan. See, Jesus considered Satan as much a brother as anyone else. Think of it as the last in a long string of "compassion pearls" we assign to Jesus.

    The old testament God would have problem sent Jesus to hell packing some kinda heat to assassinate Satan instead of just chit chattin.
  • Dethwish_JDethwish_J Join Date: 2007-04-01 Member: 60546Members
    <!--quoteo(post=1620324:date=Apr 11 2007, 08:59 PM:name=Rob)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Rob @ Apr 11 2007, 08:59 PM) [snapback]1620324[/snapback]</div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->
    The old testament God would have problem sent Jesus to hell packing some kinda heat to assassinate Satan instead of just chit chattin.
    <!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

    Or better Jesus would have been raped, nail gunned, and then had the cross anally inserted in to him before he was barbarically eaten by dogs.
  • lolfighterlolfighter Snark, Dire Join Date: 2003-04-20 Member: 15693Members
    <!--quoteo(post=1620324:date=Apr 11 2007, 09:59 PM:name=Rob)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Rob @ Apr 11 2007, 09:59 PM) [snapback]1620324[/snapback]</div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->
    J[...]The old testament God[...]
    <!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
    It's a good thing we got rid of that vengeful ******* to be honest.
  • Kouji_SanKouji_San Sr. Hινε Uρкεερεг - EUPT Deputy The Netherlands Join Date: 2003-05-13 Member: 16271Members, NS2 Playtester, Squad Five Blue
    wouldn't the undead become alive again or enlightened when biting Jesus. So how could there be a zombie Jesus in the first place? Simply dieing won't turn one into a zombie according to horror laws, even Jesus can't ignore horror laws <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tounge.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":p" border="0" alt="tounge.gif" />
  • ThansalThansal The New Scum Join Date: 2002-08-22 Member: 1215Members, Constellation
    Well, you bring up the point that Eddie Izzard brought up as well

    eat this bread for it is my flesh

    drink this wine for it is my blood

    Right there at the start we have canabalisim (or possibly zomibes) and vamparisim!

    Worse yet, since Jesus is dead, we actualy have the fact that ALL christians are Canabalistic Vampires!
  • lolfighterlolfighter Snark, Dire Join Date: 2003-04-20 Member: 15693Members
    Technical detail, Thansal, but the cannibalism was at the end, not the beginning.
  • UltimaGeckoUltimaGecko hates endnotes Join Date: 2003-05-14 Member: 16320Members
    <!--quoteo(post=1620538:date=Apr 12 2007, 09:46 AM:name=Thansal)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Thansal @ Apr 12 2007, 09:46 AM) [snapback]1620538[/snapback]</div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->
    Well, you bring up the point that Eddie Izzard brought up as well

    eat this bread for it is my flesh

    drink this wine for it is my blood

    Right there at the start we have canabalisim (or possibly zomibes) and vamparisim!

    Worse yet, since Jesus is dead, we actualy have the fact that ALL christians are Canabalistic Vampires!
    <!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

    And now you know one of the reasons why the Romans didn't like them for a bit in history there...
  • ThansalThansal The New Scum Join Date: 2002-08-22 Member: 1215Members, Constellation
    <!--quoteo(post=1620567:date=Apr 12 2007, 12:41 PM:name=lolfighter)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(lolfighter @ Apr 12 2007, 12:41 PM) [snapback]1620567[/snapback]</div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->
    Technical detail, Thansal, but the cannibalism was at the end, not the beginning.
    <!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

    Well, the beginig of Christianity is what I was refering to, and the life/death/zombification of Jesus is the start of Christiantity. Though infact Christianity didn't start untill a decent time after Jesus.
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