Zombie Jesus is a Paradox
lolfighter
Snark, Dire Join Date: 2003-04-20 Member: 15693Members
Snark, Dire Join Date: 2003-04-20 Member: 15693Members
in Off-Topic
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EDIT: Just thought I'd point out my logic now hurts.
Let's look at two case studies by comparing their key attributes:
A) Person is assumed to be dead and sealed away under two metres of dirt or a stone slab,
B) Person gets up and walks about.
Two fictional cases have these attributes in common: The resurrection of Jesus and Zombies.
Ergo: Jesus was a zombie. QED.
--Scythe--
HUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Problem solved.
1: Jesus died on the cross and descended into hell to see his brother (Satan).
2: On the third day, Jesus rose from the dead (no more room in hell).
3: Jesus shall return to form his kingdom some day. Some believe in the "rapture" in which all the dead of previous years will rise.
From these facts, we conclude:
A: Jesus was zombified.
B: The end of days shall be brought about by an army of zombies.
C: Sales of the Zombie Survival Guide shall skyrocket.
Further research is required to answer these questions:
1: If Jesus was a zombie, what does that make his disciples?
2: If one successfully fends off the zombie hoards of the end times, what will happen next?
My understanding of christianity seems to be a bit off.
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On a side note, if Jesus did return, do you even think anyone would believe him? I've always wondered about this. Does it bother anyone that Jesus may be in some mental institution right now? For all we know, he may have come back to life, tried and eventually given up on convincing people that he was jesus and died a lonely death. If jesus returned, people wouldn't even be impressed by his miracles. scientists could explain it off and even die hard christians would think he was a very average magician... that or possessed..
Can Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter Kill Jesus The Zombie?
BODY OF CHRIST!
He's Jesus, so shredding him with a chainsaw is inherently wrong.
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This is only as true for Jesus as it is for any other person.
And we know from Zombie movies that it is okay to shred any person turned zombie, regardless of the position of privilege they occupied before the zombification[1].
So there is no Paradox, only in the minds of those who cannot accept that Zombie status trumps all else, which is to say, those who don't have enough grey matter to be interesting to Zombies in the first place.
[1] boss, cute kid from next door, teacher, personification of a deity in human form )
Translation: Blessed are the brain-eaters, for with their hungry, grasping hands a new world will be built.
--Scythe--
Zombie Jesus rebuked them saying, 'Uhhhh. URR. Trmph.' Which, in the ancient language was, 'Hypocrites, test not my faith. You try to defeat the law by using the law against itself. I am not bound by such menial walls.'
At this, the nay-sayers were silent and allowed Zombie Jesus to pass."
"Hmm, let's see. This chest contains... brains. And this chest over here contains brains. The barrel here... also contains brains. This one has guts in it. Well, I guess anyone needs variety. Here's an arm. Gift from a friend? Souvenir from a victim? Oh wait, teeth marks. Appetizer. And here we have... no! No, this is foul! It's... an apple! And it's FRESH! This... this zombie is a DEVIANT!"
<blockquote>"For The Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the archangel's call, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first; then we who are alive, who are left, shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet The Lord in the air." (1 Thessalonians 4:16-17 RSV)</blockquote> 1. Jesus will come back to life
2. Jesus will fly around
<blockquote>"And with bright yellow aura will he fall appear the sign of the Son of man in heaven, and then all the tribes of the earth will mourn, and they will see the Son of man coming on the clouds of heaven with power and great strength." (Matthew 24:29-31 RSV)</blockquote> 1. Jesus will have a bright yellow aura around him
2. Jesus will be ripped and powerful
<blockquote>"Then TheLord will go forth and fight against those nations as when He fights on a day of battle." (Zechariah 14:3-5)</blockquote> 1. Jesus will love to fight.
<blockquote>"On that day the Mount of Olives shall be split in two from east to west by a very wide valley; so that one half of the Mount shall withdraw northward, and the other half southward; and you shall flee as you fled from the earthquake in the days of Uzziah king of Judah." (Zechariah 14:3-5)</blockquote> 2. Jesus will create widespread panic through geographical disasters and earthquakes.
In conclusion: Jesus will come, fly around with a yellow aura around him, fight all the time, and in doing so creating giant holes in the terrain with his super powers.
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He's Jesus, so shredding him with a chainsaw is inherently wrong.
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Well that depends, I wouldn't mind cutting into his face.
I'm pretty sure being the SON OF GOD totally overrides Zombification.
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They won't take that at the airport, why would Satan give a damn?
"Your passport please, Sir."
"I'm Jesus, Son of God, I don't need a Passport."
"Well in this case, Jesus, Sir, we can't let you on the plane."
"Ah, to hell with you!" *Jesus blushes* "Well, guess I'll have to fly there myself then."
*Jesus takes off and everyone is stunned.*
Food.
They won't take that at the airport, why would Satan give a damn?
"Your passport please, Sir."
"I'm Jesus, Son of God, I don't need a Passport."
"Well in this case, Jesus, Sir, we can't let you on the plane."
"Ah, to hell with you!" *Jesus blushes* "Well, guess I'll have to fly there myself then."
*Jesus takes off and everyone is stunned.*
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Ah! i've found my new sig!
To Recap:
3: Jesus shall return to form his kingdom some day. Some believe in the "rapture" in which all the dead of previous years will rise.
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oO
It's going to be ###### crowded around here <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/confused-fix.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="???" border="0" alt="confused-fix.gif" />
oO
It's going to be ###### crowded around here <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/confused-fix.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="???" border="0" alt="confused-fix.gif" />
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Yah.
But remeber, only the "Good" people (those that died in a state of grace) will rise. Also, once they have come back, they will be sweapt up into the air (alogn with those alive, and in a state of grace, and taken off to heaven).
so it will only sorta be crowded <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tounge.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":p" border="0" alt="tounge.gif" />
To Recap:
1: Jesus died on the cross and descended into hell to see his brother (Satan).
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I don't know the story as in-depth as you do but I thought you had to do something quite sinful to go to hell. What was Jesus' sin? Being too nice? Not resisting death?
I don't know the story as in-depth as you do but I thought you had to do something quite sinful to go to hell. What was Jesus' sin? Being too nice? Not resisting death?
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Now, I haven't gone to church in many years, so this may be bassackwards, but I thought he fought Satan for 3 days before the whole resurrection thing; not an 'eternity-affair' like most visiters to hell.
I don't know the story as in-depth as you do but I thought you had to do something quite sinful to go to hell. What was Jesus' sin? Being too nice? Not resisting death?
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Jesus did not sin. But as the story goes, he took the opportunity provided by his death to go to hell and try to talk some since into Satan. See, Jesus considered Satan as much a brother as anyone else. Think of it as the last in a long string of "compassion pearls" we assign to Jesus.
The old testament God would have problem sent Jesus to hell packing some kinda heat to assassinate Satan instead of just chit chattin.
The old testament God would have problem sent Jesus to hell packing some kinda heat to assassinate Satan instead of just chit chattin.
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Or better Jesus would have been raped, nail gunned, and then had the cross anally inserted in to him before he was barbarically eaten by dogs.
J[...]The old testament God[...]
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It's a good thing we got rid of that vengeful ******* to be honest.
eat this bread for it is my flesh
drink this wine for it is my blood
Right there at the start we have canabalisim (or possibly zomibes) and vamparisim!
Worse yet, since Jesus is dead, we actualy have the fact that ALL christians are Canabalistic Vampires!
Well, you bring up the point that Eddie Izzard brought up as well
eat this bread for it is my flesh
drink this wine for it is my blood
Right there at the start we have canabalisim (or possibly zomibes) and vamparisim!
Worse yet, since Jesus is dead, we actualy have the fact that ALL christians are Canabalistic Vampires!
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And now you know one of the reasons why the Romans didn't like them for a bit in history there...
Technical detail, Thansal, but the cannibalism was at the end, not the beginning.
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Well, the beginig of Christianity is what I was refering to, and the life/death/zombification of Jesus is the start of Christiantity. Though infact Christianity didn't start untill a decent time after Jesus.