It's Awake.
cshank4
Join Date: 2003-02-11 Member: 13425Members
Join Date: 2003-02-11 Member: 13425Members
<div class="IPBDescription">I promise I'll finsih this one...really.</div> The dropship slowly detached itself from it's mother ship, the two Ion Engines on the back glowed dark blue as the ship sped down torwards the planet of Borealis, a small medical research colony. Inside the dropship the men of Jaeger squad sat, fastened to their drop couches. Lieutenant Ji Hen stood up, his green armor catching the light slightly from Borealis's sun.
'Alright, ladies, time for the briefing, settle down an- God dammit! Jones, put that cigar out, you know there ain't no smoking on these coffins.' There was a chorus of chuckles as the marine in question spat the cigar on the floor of the dropship and stomped on it with an armoured boot. 'As I was sayin', THIS, is Borealis,' he said, sweeping his arm across the row of viewports for emphasis,.
'Nice place if you don't live there, anyhow, as you may or most liekly don't know, the men and women of this colony were working on a cure for the Kahraa parasite, that, with even our nanobot's we can't flush out of a persons system. About a week ago. we lost contact with the colony, now Ops think's it's just another faulty transmitter but for some reason they sent them us, instead of a teem of engineers.' the men laughed again as he cleared his throat.
'Lieutenant, we're in the pipe, might wanna' strap down back there, it could get rough.' The female pilot said from up front, the coc.kpit.
'Yeah yeah, Captain.'
Hen strapped himself to his personal dropcouch and fitted his helmet, the other marines did likewise.
'Atmosphere entry in...5...4...3...2...1, hold onto your **** back there!' the pilot let out a long YOOHOO as the craft bucked and jagged on it's way to the surface'
'Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god.' a marine kept repeating over and over.
'Atmosphere break in, 3...2...1.' The craft finally fell still and it felt to the marines like they were plummeting off a rollercoaster which had derailed halfway up a climb.
The bars across the marine's laps retracted into the walls. 'Alright guys, by the numbers. Check your rifles and any other, items, you may have. '
The TSA had just replaced the Frontiersmen weaponry with newer, caseless amunition models.
'Alright boys, hang tough, landing in ten, we're going right back to the ship after that.' as if on key, the huge doors on the dropship dropped open letting the rushing air into the cabin.
'Touchdown! Get the hell offa my ship!'
'Alright boys! GO GO GO! Perimeter clearing!' The men jumped down to the ground and ran to secure the LZ.
'Clear left!'
'Clear Right!'
'Clear up!'
'Clear down, oh wait I think I just crapped myself.'
'Stow that, private. Alright proceed to the base, go.' the marines moved forward to the massive blastgates which had closed over the main entrance of the base.
'Ah, Lieutenant... look, small arms fire. I'd say an MR-10 judging by the size and spread pattern. There was definately a fight here.'
'Right, marines move forward, HMGs up front, the rest of you cover their ****.'
The doors slowly groaned open.
'WHO OPENED THOSE DOORS?' Hen shouted.
'Uh, man, that wasn't us.' replied one of the HMGers.
The marines proceeded inside the base torwards the command center.
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"Dark....
So dark....
Cold....
So cold...."
The thoughts stirred in his mind. He rolled over in the thick gel that surrounded him.... he was awakening... he wanted to sleep.... he was hungry....he was thirsty....he was starving....he was craving. They were coming.... they were marching.... they were warm....he was cold.... they were full... Full...
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The inside of the base was cold...almost too cold. The operations sector of the center had been abandoned in a hurry, pock marks from bullets marked the walls here and there, some had even made it up to the cieling.
'Any luck yet, Hix?' Asked one of the privates.
'No! And if you keep asking me the answere will STAY NO!' Hix was the hacker of the squad, he had been spending an hour working on the encryption data for the mainframe's files...whatever they were hiding...they hid it as deep as they could.
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Unaware to the marine, deep under the base... in catacombs forged of Steel and iron and blood. Something came alive. Something...lived.
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'Did you hear that?' Hix asked suddenly.
'What?'
'Nothing...'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes... something was alive....and it was hungry.
'Alright, ladies, time for the briefing, settle down an- God dammit! Jones, put that cigar out, you know there ain't no smoking on these coffins.' There was a chorus of chuckles as the marine in question spat the cigar on the floor of the dropship and stomped on it with an armoured boot. 'As I was sayin', THIS, is Borealis,' he said, sweeping his arm across the row of viewports for emphasis,.
'Nice place if you don't live there, anyhow, as you may or most liekly don't know, the men and women of this colony were working on a cure for the Kahraa parasite, that, with even our nanobot's we can't flush out of a persons system. About a week ago. we lost contact with the colony, now Ops think's it's just another faulty transmitter but for some reason they sent them us, instead of a teem of engineers.' the men laughed again as he cleared his throat.
'Lieutenant, we're in the pipe, might wanna' strap down back there, it could get rough.' The female pilot said from up front, the coc.kpit.
'Yeah yeah, Captain.'
Hen strapped himself to his personal dropcouch and fitted his helmet, the other marines did likewise.
'Atmosphere entry in...5...4...3...2...1, hold onto your **** back there!' the pilot let out a long YOOHOO as the craft bucked and jagged on it's way to the surface'
'Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god.' a marine kept repeating over and over.
'Atmosphere break in, 3...2...1.' The craft finally fell still and it felt to the marines like they were plummeting off a rollercoaster which had derailed halfway up a climb.
The bars across the marine's laps retracted into the walls. 'Alright guys, by the numbers. Check your rifles and any other, items, you may have. '
The TSA had just replaced the Frontiersmen weaponry with newer, caseless amunition models.
'Alright boys, hang tough, landing in ten, we're going right back to the ship after that.' as if on key, the huge doors on the dropship dropped open letting the rushing air into the cabin.
'Touchdown! Get the hell offa my ship!'
'Alright boys! GO GO GO! Perimeter clearing!' The men jumped down to the ground and ran to secure the LZ.
'Clear left!'
'Clear Right!'
'Clear up!'
'Clear down, oh wait I think I just crapped myself.'
'Stow that, private. Alright proceed to the base, go.' the marines moved forward to the massive blastgates which had closed over the main entrance of the base.
'Ah, Lieutenant... look, small arms fire. I'd say an MR-10 judging by the size and spread pattern. There was definately a fight here.'
'Right, marines move forward, HMGs up front, the rest of you cover their ****.'
The doors slowly groaned open.
'WHO OPENED THOSE DOORS?' Hen shouted.
'Uh, man, that wasn't us.' replied one of the HMGers.
The marines proceeded inside the base torwards the command center.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Dark....
So dark....
Cold....
So cold...."
The thoughts stirred in his mind. He rolled over in the thick gel that surrounded him.... he was awakening... he wanted to sleep.... he was hungry....he was thirsty....he was starving....he was craving. They were coming.... they were marching.... they were warm....he was cold.... they were full... Full...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The inside of the base was cold...almost too cold. The operations sector of the center had been abandoned in a hurry, pock marks from bullets marked the walls here and there, some had even made it up to the cieling.
'Any luck yet, Hix?' Asked one of the privates.
'No! And if you keep asking me the answere will STAY NO!' Hix was the hacker of the squad, he had been spending an hour working on the encryption data for the mainframe's files...whatever they were hiding...they hid it as deep as they could.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unaware to the marine, deep under the base... in catacombs forged of Steel and iron and blood. Something came alive. Something...lived.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Did you hear that?' Hix asked suddenly.
'What?'
'Nothing...'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes... something was alive....and it was hungry.
Comments
Anyway, sounds ominous.
Silently, it creeped up to the surface of the medical lab. Slowly, silently... It had heard something, something familiar, something... that arose a hunger inside it. A hunger... to kill.
A lone marine scouted further into the medical lab, his boots echoing in the hallway. Suddenly, he heard a sound, and lifted his lmg. Then, something dripped down, sliding down his helmet. Something, slimy, sticky... saliva. Slowly... he looked up.
Silently, it creeped up to the surface of the medical lab. Slowly, silently... It had heard something, something familiar, something... that arose a hunger inside it. A hunger... to kill.
A lone marine scouted further into the medical lab, his boots echoing in the hallway. Suddenly, he heard a sound, and lifted his lmg. Then, something dripped down, sliding down his helmet. Something, slimy, sticky... saliva. Slowly... he looked up. <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
WRONG! Read to find out.
_______________________________
Chapter 1: The Lost
The lights in the hallways flicked off and returned in a dull yellow color. The power was cut.
'Oh...crap... Uh, sir, if these ARE the Kahraa they sure got a hell of a lot smarter!'
'Shut up private. First squad move in and secure the room, second squad, as soon as the're through move in and hack the doors open.
***
First squad moved forward, the room beyond was completely dark.
'Uh, Leon, get the power up as soon as you can.' Sergeant Yaro said to the african american marine.
'Yeah, right boss.'
Leon crouched infront of the power terminal and accessed the menu. After a few seconds of typing and clicking the room beyond became luminated...the marines wish it hadn't.
'Oh! ****!' Screamed one of the marines, his gun firing right after he screamed.
Other marines joined the mellee, a grenade was chucked into the room and detonated, the shrapnel took one of the marines in the chest and threw him back.
'CEASE FIRE. CEASE FIRE! CEASE YOUR GOD DAMNED FIRE!' Screamed Yaro. It took a few seconds but they finally stopped... In the beyond room were shredded corpses, skin hanging from their bodies, the uniforms tattered and bloodied, corpses everywhere, blood everywhere, ont he rafters, near the vents... it was a slaughter.
'Lt. We found what happened to the uh...colonist...'
'...What?'
'You don't want to know.'
'F**k.'
In the shadows of the rafters, he smiled... they were coming, he would soon be full.
Hudson looked down at his now beeping motion sensor. 'Sir, I'm getting movement...but I don't know from where...'
'Stay frosty'
Hudson clicked his shotgun active and advanced with the front team, no sooner had they entered when something landed on the floor in front of them, crouched. The thing looked up with what they thought was it's head. It stood to full height, revealing 4 massive arms, at the end of the lower two were claw like appendages which had flesh hanging from them, the top two looked like a skelatons. It had no legs, just a long, almost 13 foot tail, the top of it looked like something was was moving under it's skin, probably because something was.
It charged, as if the marines were in slow motion. It slashed and caught a shotgun wielding marine in the throat, his head rolled away and the thing threw his corpse into the other frontiersmen. It spun, one of it's claws slashed the marine that managed to sneak up on it in the stomach, the second claw came down and disected the marine from shoulder to groin, the body screamed as it seperated then collapsed in a bloody splat.
'****, KILL IT! KILL IT FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!' Hudson screamed as he expanded his last shotgun shell. Somehow the thing kept dodging the bullets. 'HMG! GET UP HERE!'. A large man raced forward and opened fire with his Heavy Machine Cannon, the shells blew one of the thing's arms off, it roared and launched itself at them, one of the hands caught Hudson's helmet and cracked it, betraying any doubts on how weak it was. The slashing appendage did an uppercut move on the HMG wielding man, taking off one of his legs and his arm, he fell to the ground screaming and trying to fire with his useful hand.
Hudson groaned as he felt one or more of his ribs break when the thing slammed him into the metal bulkhead of the room, it seemed to smile as it pulled the Claw back.
DAT BE ALLL FOR TODAY HOMIES!
its probaly a mutated fade.
its probaly a mutated fade. <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
Like I said, the weaponry has evolved a bit. And Uh, that's no fade.
Your actually storyline is pretty good, you've got an interesting idea that you did flesh out fairly well, there's a nice touch of adding in an "alien" personality to add a layer to your story, and you've even got some fairly nice detail.
Consistancy mainly deals with the level a story follows the NS world, types of "factual" or theory errors with the story, and a general consistancy between things that are said along the line. And again, for me following the NS world is a pretty cemented issue. It includes sticking heavily to the NS Team fiction and background story as well as in-game happenings that are outside the realm of balancing issues and changes due to the fact that it really is a video game 1st and a story 2nd.
While your "alien" really isn't that far fetched (especially when compared to some really bad ones, The Scorpion That Hovers Without Flying or whatever comes to mind, gah!) personally I like to keep the Khaara within the current NS world.
Also, some of your Frontiersman seemed out of character. The part where the Frontiersman secured the four directions and one felt the need to "crap his pants" , or the part where battle-hardened frontiersman freak out and have friendly fire just because they saw a few dead bodies, doesn't really fit.
Execution refers to the flow of the story, how well it is written as a whole, how characters are brought in and fleshed out, transitions, and other readability factors of the story. In this case, although you did do some creative switching back and forth between a Khaara point of view and the Frontiersman point of view, it didn't seem like there was enough separation between the two, and that was multiplied by the fact that you engendered your Khaara almost making "him" seem like a retarded marine. Also, some of your dialogue is a little vague, they don't seem to be talking as much as spurting out unfinished thoughts.
Finally grammer. This is really a killer, as part of the flow of the story, it's very hard to read something and really get into it when the author is changing tense, misusing verbs and grammer, and spelling words incorrectly all the time. Across the board (pun not intended) this is the largest problem with fan fiction writers that I've seen. Bad grammer makes for a confusing story, and a confusing story is not a very good read. This place is filled with people who love to check new stories out, and it's always nice to have new blood. If you don't have the time or the knowhow to edit your story, please feel free to ask someone on the boards to do it for you, grammer comes easier for some, while fresh ideas tend to be a little bit fewer and far between.
So CShank4, sorry about the post, it got a little longer than I intended and in fact is not entirely aimed at you, but at a lot of things that have been posted over time that just needed a little more work. You've got a good idea going, keep it up.
Ratfire
When writes this while complaining about said topic, he loses almost all credibility.
Haha no, I agree with just about everything you wrote. The quality of some people's writing here is horrendus...incoherent sentences, crappy spelling, etc.