The Rain
Breakthrough
Texture Artist (ns_prometheus) Join Date: 2005-03-27 Member: 46620Members, Constellation
Texture Artist (ns_prometheus) Join Date: 2005-03-27 Member: 46620Members, Constellation
I'll continue this if you guys want, but please keep in mind that this is the 3rd story I wrote, and the 1st half-complete one <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
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I sat there, for what felt like hours... Unable to sleep, trying to make sense of what had happened. The shadows began to wrap around me, their movements unsteady as the flame in the small candle that I had. The pattering sounds filled my ears, making me deaf to any of my thoughts. I had to get out. I grabbed all of my gear, made sure my pistol was ready to fire, and unlocked the door.
I needed a new place to stay anyways, and to keep moving towards the evacutation locations - if they still existed. I gathered up my thoughts, and left the building. I was just another rebel. I kept to the shadows, incase anyone or anything saw me. It seemed like hours that I travelled, walking through the endless rain. That's when I saw it.
It's eyes glowed out at me, it's limbs glistening in the rain. They resembled steel, and probably had the strength of it. It slowly walked down the street, picking up speed as it ran. Not hesitating, I pulled out the pistol, and opened fire.
Each shot had a story of it's own - a birth, life, and death - and I felt all of it. Each bullet ignited by the firing pin, flying out of it's shell just as the gun itself pushed it's old home out of the way. I sent each bullet on it's path to kill whatever I was aiming at - all I had to do was tell it to.
I quickly left the creature in a bloody mess, the rain mixing it with the street. Soon, the blood flowed down the street with the rest of the water, becoming a swirly mess of yellow. I was sure that more had heard the gunshots, so I started running, still staying to the shadows.
That's when it happened again - I saw the eyes. This time, I already pulled out the pistol, ready to aim. It was like a duel - the rain falling in the middle of us, the light illuminating what was in front of us, but not what we needed to see. Then, I noticed something different about these eyes. They were higher. Much higher, and bigger.
That's when I began to make out the dark figure - the Onos. He let out a roar, which seemed to shake the ground itself. There I was, a giant beast in front of me, and I had a little pistol. I stood there, stunned for a minute, before quickly turning around and running.
The ground was crumbling behind me, the Onos seeming to have fun with me by chasing me. I tried to run into narrow alleys, only to still be chased by the beast that was now hunting me. Quickly, I grabbed a hold of the appartment escape ladders, and climbed as fast as I could.
The Onos easily knocked the footing from underneath me, just as I reached a door. I shot the lock in, and smashed the door down. I could feel the Onos trying to break the structure down, but I knew it would never happen. Nevertheless, he continued.
That was the worst minute of my life - awating my downfall. Everything was shaking violently around me, the ceilign began to crumble. I fell onto my back, only to see a large piece of wood fall right onto my head.
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I sat there, for what felt like hours... Unable to sleep, trying to make sense of what had happened. The shadows began to wrap around me, their movements unsteady as the flame in the small candle that I had. The pattering sounds filled my ears, making me deaf to any of my thoughts. I had to get out. I grabbed all of my gear, made sure my pistol was ready to fire, and unlocked the door.
I needed a new place to stay anyways, and to keep moving towards the evacutation locations - if they still existed. I gathered up my thoughts, and left the building. I was just another rebel. I kept to the shadows, incase anyone or anything saw me. It seemed like hours that I travelled, walking through the endless rain. That's when I saw it.
It's eyes glowed out at me, it's limbs glistening in the rain. They resembled steel, and probably had the strength of it. It slowly walked down the street, picking up speed as it ran. Not hesitating, I pulled out the pistol, and opened fire.
Each shot had a story of it's own - a birth, life, and death - and I felt all of it. Each bullet ignited by the firing pin, flying out of it's shell just as the gun itself pushed it's old home out of the way. I sent each bullet on it's path to kill whatever I was aiming at - all I had to do was tell it to.
I quickly left the creature in a bloody mess, the rain mixing it with the street. Soon, the blood flowed down the street with the rest of the water, becoming a swirly mess of yellow. I was sure that more had heard the gunshots, so I started running, still staying to the shadows.
That's when it happened again - I saw the eyes. This time, I already pulled out the pistol, ready to aim. It was like a duel - the rain falling in the middle of us, the light illuminating what was in front of us, but not what we needed to see. Then, I noticed something different about these eyes. They were higher. Much higher, and bigger.
That's when I began to make out the dark figure - the Onos. He let out a roar, which seemed to shake the ground itself. There I was, a giant beast in front of me, and I had a little pistol. I stood there, stunned for a minute, before quickly turning around and running.
The ground was crumbling behind me, the Onos seeming to have fun with me by chasing me. I tried to run into narrow alleys, only to still be chased by the beast that was now hunting me. Quickly, I grabbed a hold of the appartment escape ladders, and climbed as fast as I could.
The Onos easily knocked the footing from underneath me, just as I reached a door. I shot the lock in, and smashed the door down. I could feel the Onos trying to break the structure down, but I knew it would never happen. Nevertheless, he continued.
That was the worst minute of my life - awating my downfall. Everything was shaking violently around me, the ceilign began to crumble. I fell onto my back, only to see a large piece of wood fall right onto my head.
Comments
<i>Each shot had a story of it's own - a birth, life, and death - and I felt all of it. Each bullet ignited by the firing pin, flying out of it's shell just as the gun itself pushed it's old home out of the way. I sent each bullet on it's path to kill whatever I was aiming at - all I had to do was tell it to.</i>
This part seems unnecessary and it is kind of inappropriate. Action is quite okay. Just add more descriptive stuff inside and it'll be a great story.
It helped visualise the time he spent continually firing at the 'monster'
It helped show the ineffectiveness of his firing, or more so the bullets on its 'carapace' <!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif' /><!--endemo-->
I too want to see this finished, or at least continued. The vocab's not that bad in general, but could be "changed". Note that I don't say "bettered" because it might be better for the story (style imitating content) to keep the type of vocab used.
Where is this appartment I'm scared (well at least, the reader might be, anyway!), it sounds like Earth atm.
'incase' are two, separate words.