Bad Story..
monk3y
Join Date: 2003-10-30 Member: 22139Members
Join Date: 2003-10-30 Member: 22139Members
Our Dropship gave a low humm as its engine powered down to a hover state.
I looked out the clear air-tight windows, hoping to get a glimpse of the unknown.
We halted on top of a dark and erie space station..I looked at it, and i could've sworn i saw something pass that dark window.. a blur.. a dog..there was something in their, and it isn't human.
We marines were sent in to investigate.. and to eliminate all hostiles if they were present..
sigh.. just like all the other missions..
I ran a quick diagnostic test on my LMG. LMGs, were the basic weapons of the TSA, it housed a 50 round clip, extremely versatile, reliable, and easy to reload.
a clear blue panel on the LMG, showed a green blip, signaling that its performance would be optimal.
I looked at everyone else, and they were all checking their LMGs and Pistols.
A green light flashed on top.. meaning that the teleportation field was activated..
Commander Laos then told his marines "Move out and stay together, your pay starts now! Stay sharp! We don't want any casulties.
"Why of course commander" I replied and prepared for teleportation.
The nano systems onboard the dropship created nanites that seemed to swirl around us, holding us, protecting us.. it seemed to take us apart.. molecule by molecule.. but it was soo.. painless...just like the other times..
The system briefly made contact with the Nanities onboard the station..it told its nanites to form together.. to accept what was coming, to welcome them.
The nanites onboard swirled together, forming a special type of field, kind of like a temporay phase gate.
The bright light passed over and all i saw was darkness... my pupils quickly adjusted to the darkness, growing bigger, trying to see all, absorbing as much light as possible..
A marine to my left quickly bent over and vomited..Most marines that first experienced Phasing would become nauseas, but would become use to it.
"all clear!"
"clear!"
"sector clear"
we all yelled out
and several murmurs were heard, as we all claimed this dark room as ours..
idiots.. now they know.. we are here..
a loud crack and a bright light briefly illuminated the room for a second as an object was formed, molecule by molecule... until I recognized a chair.
Laos walked into it and shut the door
he typed in a password..hoping that the system would buy it and connect him with that network
Commander Laos spoke to his marines via comm chaneel "Testing! 1 2 3 4! can you hear me?"
"Sir, we hear you loud and clear!!" I said
Commander Laos "Good, now Squad one get to that resourse nozzle.
a blip appeared on the left side of by hud, its blue hologram, like a beacon it attracted the marines and all of squad one moved toward that reactor..
"squad 2 and 3 stay in base, im making supplies"
A round circular object appeared and several marines rushed towards it, touching it with one hand.
THe nanites on the the marine told the IP to construct it self, with several bzzzs and scrathes, the ip started to construct itself, tiny nanites went into place..
It stood silent for a second, and in a bright sudden flash, another Light marine appeared and stepped off ..
Next, a resource nozzle that was spewing out nanites was capped with a spider-like structure, These things are called Resource towers, they were extremely vital to the commander as it allowed him to harvest Resources to create guns, and get upgrades.
with out warning the comm screamed
"INCOMING!! ON YOUR SIX!!"
several shotties dropped on my squad...
After being implanted with nanites, the marines didn't even have to think about it as the nanos jolted their brains, giving them a feeling of thought or instinct that forced them to pull their triggers.
3 loud blasts were heard at the same time, tearing those skulks into pieces.
One surving skulk, wasn't expecting this much firepower and turned to flee..
but it was too late, and several pistol shots were heard, blasting slugs into its.. rectum...and finally it slumped at the end of the dark hallway.. its **** was enlarged by the bullets and a mix of green and brown substance flowed outward..
Commander laos " Squad one, guard that res node, squad 2 and squad 3 lets mooove out!!"
Our boots gave a soft "whump" as we softly walked down the hallway.
I looked out the clear air-tight windows, hoping to get a glimpse of the unknown.
We halted on top of a dark and erie space station..I looked at it, and i could've sworn i saw something pass that dark window.. a blur.. a dog..there was something in their, and it isn't human.
We marines were sent in to investigate.. and to eliminate all hostiles if they were present..
sigh.. just like all the other missions..
I ran a quick diagnostic test on my LMG. LMGs, were the basic weapons of the TSA, it housed a 50 round clip, extremely versatile, reliable, and easy to reload.
a clear blue panel on the LMG, showed a green blip, signaling that its performance would be optimal.
I looked at everyone else, and they were all checking their LMGs and Pistols.
A green light flashed on top.. meaning that the teleportation field was activated..
Commander Laos then told his marines "Move out and stay together, your pay starts now! Stay sharp! We don't want any casulties.
"Why of course commander" I replied and prepared for teleportation.
The nano systems onboard the dropship created nanites that seemed to swirl around us, holding us, protecting us.. it seemed to take us apart.. molecule by molecule.. but it was soo.. painless...just like the other times..
The system briefly made contact with the Nanities onboard the station..it told its nanites to form together.. to accept what was coming, to welcome them.
The nanites onboard swirled together, forming a special type of field, kind of like a temporay phase gate.
The bright light passed over and all i saw was darkness... my pupils quickly adjusted to the darkness, growing bigger, trying to see all, absorbing as much light as possible..
A marine to my left quickly bent over and vomited..Most marines that first experienced Phasing would become nauseas, but would become use to it.
"all clear!"
"clear!"
"sector clear"
we all yelled out
and several murmurs were heard, as we all claimed this dark room as ours..
idiots.. now they know.. we are here..
a loud crack and a bright light briefly illuminated the room for a second as an object was formed, molecule by molecule... until I recognized a chair.
Laos walked into it and shut the door
he typed in a password..hoping that the system would buy it and connect him with that network
Commander Laos spoke to his marines via comm chaneel "Testing! 1 2 3 4! can you hear me?"
"Sir, we hear you loud and clear!!" I said
Commander Laos "Good, now Squad one get to that resourse nozzle.
a blip appeared on the left side of by hud, its blue hologram, like a beacon it attracted the marines and all of squad one moved toward that reactor..
"squad 2 and 3 stay in base, im making supplies"
A round circular object appeared and several marines rushed towards it, touching it with one hand.
THe nanites on the the marine told the IP to construct it self, with several bzzzs and scrathes, the ip started to construct itself, tiny nanites went into place..
It stood silent for a second, and in a bright sudden flash, another Light marine appeared and stepped off ..
Next, a resource nozzle that was spewing out nanites was capped with a spider-like structure, These things are called Resource towers, they were extremely vital to the commander as it allowed him to harvest Resources to create guns, and get upgrades.
with out warning the comm screamed
"INCOMING!! ON YOUR SIX!!"
several shotties dropped on my squad...
After being implanted with nanites, the marines didn't even have to think about it as the nanos jolted their brains, giving them a feeling of thought or instinct that forced them to pull their triggers.
3 loud blasts were heard at the same time, tearing those skulks into pieces.
One surving skulk, wasn't expecting this much firepower and turned to flee..
but it was too late, and several pistol shots were heard, blasting slugs into its.. rectum...and finally it slumped at the end of the dark hallway.. its **** was enlarged by the bullets and a mix of green and brown substance flowed outward..
Commander laos " Squad one, guard that res node, squad 2 and squad 3 lets mooove out!!"
Our boots gave a soft "whump" as we softly walked down the hallway.
Comments
i think that commander Laos is slightly too informal and relaxed. It would be better if you made him tougher, unless you intend for him to be that way. your writing style suggests familiarity with the situation and I like that as you give the impression of a veteran marine. However, I think that you are describing the marines like aliens. it seems to be coming from an alien viewpoint. I do not know if this is intentional or not but i find it unique.
P.S. get an editor. <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
kks, plz help me out with my writing k?
i'm too poor to afford an editor, <!--emo&:(--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/sad-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='sad-fix.gif' /><!--endemo--> i'm just writing it from home..
Squad 2 and 3 was all that was left.. i looked at my HUD, in a light blue it read
7/13
Remembering squad one, and their screams over the comm channels.. their desperate attempts to live.. the LMG blasts.. when we arrived.. it was too late..
We were a three man team, Each of us had a shotgun.. A shotgun was extremely important in the fight against the Kharaa, Able to dish out quick and devastating firepower in less then 1 second..
We arrived at squad 1's position, twisted bodies were everywhere,A mangled body had several long slashes on his chest, an arm that was seperated from its owner was still clutching an Lmg, we stepped over several corpses but we didn't close their eyelids, we knew it was out their, somewhere, waiting for the moment to strike..
for a second we wondered where the fade was.. a loud growl.. and the nanites jolted our brains once again.. 3 shotguns fired in unison.. the fade was expecting light marines with LMGs, not powerful shotguns...Parts of the fade were blown 10 feet away..The mouth of the tube worm was separated from its owner.. acid leaked out.. a *thump* was heard as the fade fell backward..
(remember robo cop? that police officer that tried to confront the bad guys? well he got blasted several times with shotguns and he lost multiple limbs, that is what happened to this fade)
The fade was still alive but barely, this time it didn't have the energy to blink away.. i walked up to it, my teamates watching with interest and worry..
I looked straight at its eyes..i made sure that it could sense my hatred.. my despair..
the fade knew its end was coming and with the last of its energy, it sent a mental picture of me to the hive mind..knowing it had failed.. but still wanted the hive to know its enemy..
THe fade was still lying their, gasping for breath. It layed there.. its right leg and left arm were blown off by pellets, its back was still littered with Lmg shots from the previous fight... its right claw was still dripping with blood.. Human blood.. and its own blood.. Its injures were so bad that even with the aid of a hive.. it woudn't survive..it layed their.. in its own pool of blood..it knew it was going to die..
not wanting to prolong the misery of this creature
I pointed my shotgun at it.. and fired.
"Sir.. * breathes*... target has been eliminated.."I said.
My teammates stayed quiet and watched the vents with their shotguns..
A sparkle.. nanites formed on top of my head and a package dropped on me.. energizing me.. giving me strength..
"squad 2, proceed to waypoint" a blue blip appeared on my screen, beckoning me to go further into a hallway.
I stood up, beckoned my soldiers to follow me into the dark hallway, looming straight ahead.
"Marines, Listen up - the bacterium is spreading and getting worse, and chances are that there is an additional hive being built. Oh ****..This isn't good, The infestation is becoming worse, the bacterium are tampering with the nanites. I can't get any reinforcements.. Damnit.. we're on our own. Okay Squad 3 you'll be known as Squad one. I want you ladies to stay in base and build the phase gate and prototype lab"
*a pause*
Commander Laos searched throughtout the Map for possible hives, upon finding a suitable location, he initiated a scan in a possbile infested area.
A series of blueish rings sprang out from the center, revealing everything in there.
"alright guys, I found the hive, you can see it now on your minimap if you look now" said Commander Laos.
"I want Squad 2 to build the Phase gate, My motion sensors aren't picking up any activity, we meed to take them down before they know what hit 'em"
Soon, the marines would know why there wasn't anyone or anything at the hive...
"KeL, you guard, Leon and Mark build"
On the corner of my left eye, i saw 4 shotgun icons several mines.
A cackle, a buzz and a few buttons were pressed and suddenly, the pg illuminated the dark hallway. Squad 1, phase through and take down the hive!
four marines appeared and we merged with them and walk to the hive.. up ahead, we saw it looming on top, its four tentacles were holding it up, while a yellow/greenish liquid oozed down.. The hive was in a dark room, a room that purified the sewer water... the hive was half-dipped in sewer water, but we didn't care and circled the hive, pointing our shiny guns at it.
One second passed and we all fired.
Due to our concentrated fire, we coudn't recognize it as a hive 10 seconds later.. it was a mess, the tube that skulks were born from was seperated from the top part, it floated on top of the water for a few seconds then sank.. Several skulk embryos were slipped out but fell into the water and drowned.
"marines!!! I've found the aliens! they were never at that hive, THEY WERE OUTSIDE OUR BASE!! and there chewing on our phase gate.. **** GET BACK HERE NOW"
we ran back to our phase gate, still hoping that the other end was still functional.. as i neared our phasegate i primed my one and only hand grenade and threw it at the illuminating circle. The phase gate welcomed it and accepted it and was transported to the other end..
The skulks that were munching on the phase gate saw a tube like object appear, but that was the only thing they saw before it exploded.
I was the first to phase, when i appeared on the other end, i saw chunks of skulks around the phase, there was a skulk jaw on the armory, a skulk leg on the wall and there was greenish liquids spewed all around our base.. the comm chair that was once white was now painted a fresh coat of green.. to make it simple, my handgrenade repainted our base green.
The other marines phased through
Commander Laos "damn.. where did you learn that from?"
a long stick appeared, then several parts surrounded it and it formed into a welder.
Several welders were dropped and everyone but me began to weld the phase gate. I stood guard with my shotgun, and waited for aliens to come through..
<!--QuoteBegin--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--> Commander Laos then told the Marines, "Move out, and stay together. We can't afford any casualties."
"Sure thing," Mark replied, "as long as Leon can keep up with me." This got a couple chuckles from the Marines, who then moved out. It wasn't long before they started to notice the walls were becoming more slimy and green...<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Always start new lines when a different person talks, and try to break up the quotes like what Mark said in that quote.
Remember, new sentences <b>always</b> start with a capital letter, and names always start with capitals.
Here's the first paragraph of your recent chapter re-written:
<!--QuoteBegin--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--> The nano-gridlock was becoming worse and worse...
"Marines, listen up - the bacterium is spreading and getting worse," Commander Laos told the Marines, "and chances are that there is another Hive being built at this time. This isn't a good situation - I can't get us any reinforcements, so we're on our own. Squad 3 is now known as Squad 1. I want you guys to stay in base, and build the Phase Gate and the Proto Lab." Commander Laos searched the map for possible Hive locations. Although he could not see any of the actual bacterium, he could find good locations that the aliens could use as a Hive location. As he found one, he initiated a scan on that area.
For a few seconds, the area was lit up with an eerie blue glow, revealing anything that was there.
"Ok guys, I found the Hive location - you can see it on your maps for a few seconds if you look now," Commander Laos instructed the Marines. "Squad 2, build the phase gate - there's no activity in the Hive. We need to take it down now, before they know what happened to them."
Soon, the Marines would know why there wasn't anyone, or rather anything, at the Hive... <!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Squad 1 (from squad 3) consisted mostly of females, Sarah, Lisa, Aura and Dita.
Our base was still a mess, with blood and peices of skulk all over the place.. but it didn't matter.. 1 hive down, 1 hive left..
Once again, several scanning icons appeared on the left side of my HUD.
Commander Laos "BINGO! alright troops, I've found the hive, it seems to be in the Cargo bay 7a, you'll have to take an Elevator down to lower Junction first though"
The proto lab that squad 1 built stopped stuttering, it signaled for all the nanites around it to gather around, to share its information, to give out construction plans.
Commander Laos told his marines "before you guys go, i got something for you!"
Commander Laos "alright guys and girls, I've got something good for you! drop your shotguns, I need to recycle them so i can give you better guns"
all 6 marines except me dropped their shotguns, I Prefer shotties..
Again, a swirl of nanites appeared near the Proto lab, at first it seemd as if Laos was releasing several medpacks, but then it formed into Heavy Armor.
Then next to each suit, a neat pile of Heavy weapons was formed.
A Modified grenade launcher was dropped and Sarah picked it up.
Modified Grenade launchers Consisted of 6 Grenades, all 6 grenades were inside a clip, these grenades were similar to the old grenades, as they exploded within 3 seconds.. but this time, the grenades were propeled, they have a small fuel tank that gave each grenade a slight boost. Once a grenade was fired, the user would have to **** it load up the next grenade. (think of the Old GL layout mixed with a shotgun)
4 Modified Hmgs were dropped, they only had 50 rounds each, but each bullet was armor piercing, devastating against Armor, as each round could penetrate hard bony areas and then disperse inside, causing massive damage. These guns resembeled Hmgs but were much efficient then the previous Hmg model. The modfied HMG traded clip size for extreme power.. They excelled at killing fades and onos and severely injuring them.
Aura, Dita,Leon and Lisa picked these guns up.
A flamethrower set was dropped, at first Mark went straight for it, but found it was extremely difficult to pick up, Mark tried for several seconds and managed to get it on for a few seconds, he started tipping, but Sarah helped him. Sarah took off his Flamethrower set and with a soft grunt she heaved it up onto her back.
If it wasn't for the Heavy Armor Mask, Mark's jaw might have fell unto the floor.
Sarah saw him weaponless and Held out a Grenade launcher. "Here you go, don't worry this gun isn't that heavy <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile-fix.gif' /><!--endemo--> " Sarah got several chuckles from her squadmates, who then stripped off their armor and uniform for the better protection Heavy Armor provided.
Mike took his new weapon and started getting grenades from the upgraded armory.
Commander Laos spoke to me "hmm.. Kel.. you still have your shotgun eh? well then.. here <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->, I think this will suit you well"
A clatter of unknown parts fell unto the floor, but when I walked unto them, they instantly attached to my shotgun, making it stronger, swapping parts in and out until I got a PS gun.
(Powered ShotGuns are essentially modified shotguns, This guns were actually discovered by accident. Several missions before this, a skulk happened to be chewing on an upgrading armory, eventually the skulk was killed but then, Weird parts came out and it drastically improved shotguns.. these guns were dubbed Powered Shotguns...)
Powered Shotguns were actually shotguns that fired high velocity nanite-coated Pellets that can take out waves and waves of aliens.)
With our Gear, Our Weaponry and Tactics, we marched unto the last Hive, we expected an easy battle but we were wrong...
alright, last chapter is gonna be next..
QUOTE
Commander Laos then told the Marines, "Move out, and stay together. We can't afford any casualties."
"Sure thing," Mark replied, "as long as Leon can keep up with me." This got a couple chuckles from the Marines, who then moved out. It wasn't long before they started to notice the walls were becoming more slimy and green...
Always start new lines when a different person talks, and try to break up the quotes like what Mark said in that quote.
Remember, new sentences always start with a capital letter, and names always start with capitals.
Here's the first paragraph of your recent chapter re-written:
QUOTE
The nano-gridlock was becoming worse and worse...
"Marines, listen up - the bacterium is spreading and getting worse," Commander Laos told the Marines, "and chances are that there is another Hive being built at this time. This isn't a good situation - I can't get us any reinforcements, so we're on our own. Squad 3 is now known as Squad 1. I want you guys to stay in base, and build the Phase Gate and the Proto Lab." Commander Laos searched the map for possible Hive locations. Although he could not see any of the actual bacterium, he could find good locations that the aliens could use as a Hive location. As he found one, he initiated a scan on that area.
For a few seconds, the area was lit up with an eerie blue glow, revealing anything that was there.
"Ok guys, I found the Hive location - you can see it on your maps for a few seconds if you look now," Commander Laos instructed the Marines. "Squad 2, build the phase gate - there's no activity in the Hive. We need to take it down now, before they know what happened to them."
Soon, the Marines would know why there wasn't anyone, or rather anything, at the Hive... <!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
oooo!! thnx!! it sounds soo much cooler!!!
uhh, is it alright that I changed some of my writing to that? I might spellcheck and revise it once i'm done.
And can you give me ideas? for my last part?
I did like the part concerning the fade that was mortally wounded. I thought it was well written.
I did like the part concerning the fade that was mortally wounded. I thought it was well written. <!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
OMGOSH!! I THOUGHT YOU DIED!! come on !! WRITE YOUR STORY!!!
uhh, the first part where the skulk got shot.. its a warning to players to never run away.
well, have you ever seen Starship Troopers? well i think its cool to be fighting along side girls, and i've played with girls on NS so yeah, i'd think it be cool to add females in it =)
and erm, i think you forgot the part about the marines capping RTs for res. your weapons r cool. think we would all like to have those in the game <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin-fix.gif' /><!--endemo--> that means 0wned Kharaa.
and erm, i think you forgot the part about the marines capping RTs for res. your weapons r cool. think we would all like to have those in the game that means 0wned Kharaa. <!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
hmm, can you give me examples of environment??? b4 i write my chapter?
ahh the fade, well squad2 (Me, Mark and Leon) had shotties!! shotties > fade
oh shooot.. i knew i forgot something.. those RTs, uhh when i revise all this, i'll add more k? lols, i dreamt of those guns.
Our heavy train made noises each time the Armored boot made contact with the metal floor. All 7 of us approached Upper Junction, we knew that the hive was somewhere below us. Upper Junction consisted of One res node, and two vents. One vent came straight from the cargo bay, the other vent was in the Elevator shaft. Several plants around the elevator had a strange plant that i've never seen before.
We pressed a button, expecting the elevator to work, but nothing happened.
Commander Laos told us "Hold on for a second, the elevators been jammed with bacterium" Suddenly a beap and gears started to rotate.
We watched the Numbers on top, from 1 to 7 light up.
The the number 1 lit up, then 2, then 3, it stopped their for a second and then rose up to 7. We heard a Ding, a soft growl and a thud.
"Hey comm, the elevator is working!!" said Leon
"I didn't do anything yet" said Laos in a slightly worried tone
"Uhm guys, I think we should back off" said Dita in a frightened tone.
We backed off and pointed our Heavy weapons at the two doors, waiting, expecting heavy resistance.
Since Sarah had a flamethrower, she approached the elevator doors and released the safety on her flamethrower, two sets of tiny flames appeared on the end of her nozzle, ready to ignite anything.
The elevator doors slowly opened. There was nothing inside!! A wave of relief fell over us, and several sighs were heard. Sarah was the first to walk towards the vacant elevator when she stepped on something. Her Heavy Boots had stepped on something.. Alive.
Suddenly, A gigantic Rhino creature appeared out of thin air and gave a Roar <!--emo&::onos::--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/tiny.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tiny.gif' /><!--endemo--> . Sarah was stepping the creatures foot. Causing pain to the creature. It looked like a rhinocerous , Its huge dense horn in front, and two magnificent tusks protruded from an armored shoulder. Its entire back was covered in a bone-like material that provided protection. It had legs of an elephant, very strong and muscular, it had to be, to support this two ton creature. Its nostrils gave a burst of white mist.
"aw ****" someone said. <!--emo&::marine::--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/marine.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='marine.gif' /><!--endemo-->
It then its reared back and slammed its two front legs. Creating cracks unto the cold metallic floor, we felt the shockwave of this powerful, muscular creature, stunning us for a second. It lowered and swung its head against Sarah, Even though Sarah was heavily armored, the onos easily flung her several feet away, causing her to impact against the yellow walls. HA helmets consisted of a soft gel that conformed to the users head, as everyone had different head sizes. The gel cusioned the impact, but it still left Sarah unconscious. It turned to us, knowing what it was going to do.
After witnessing the ono's hostility, we didn't hesitate for a second and opened fire. <!--emo&::asrifle::--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/asrifle.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='asrifle.gif' /><!--endemo-->
p.s. the addition of emoticons is a nice touch.
Notice though that you use "said" a lot. Try to replace it with other talking verbs, or put it in the middle of the quote, just to break it up a little.
p.s. the addition of emoticons is a nice touch. <!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
<!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
<!--QuoteBegin--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin-->Nice work - you're improving
Notice though that you use "said" a lot. Try to replace it with other talking verbs, or put it in the middle of the quote, just to break it up a little. <!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
hm, can you tell me several talking verbs?? i only know "reply" "said" and "told us"
Can someone please give me ideas? im running low! <!--emo&:(--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/sad-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='sad-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
I cound't hear myself think.. The gun shots were so loud, that the nanites had to null the speakers in my Helmet, to prevent permanent deafness.
A MHMG was nestled on my shoulder, barking out high velocity armor piercing bullets..
<!--emo&::asrifle::--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/asrifle.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='asrifle.gif' /><!--endemo-->
Our high powered weaponry easily made contact upon the dense bony plates of the gigantic onos. Due to the ono's incredible bulk, it would be unlikely that we would place inaccurate shots.
Aura, Dita, Lisa and Leon pulled their triggers as far back as possible, hoping to stop that dangerous behemoth, The bullets impacted the dense carapace, making several holes and managed to dig deeper before dispersing.
I didn't even have to aim at the craeture, so i simply pulled my double-triggered shotgun. a pair of barrels let loose a volley of lethal pellets. The pellets littered the its face, giving an image of pellet-acne.
But, its ultra-dense plates on top of the onos provided protection, easily absorbing all the heavy firepower we were dishing out.
The onos charged, even though its headplate was covering its bulk was covering its legs, I could imagine the very muscular legs, proppeling the two-ton beast with incredible speed and force.
Everyone started screaming and tried to backtrack..
Leon was in front of everyone else and fired his massive weapon, but the 50 round clip was quickly exhausting... The onos simply lowered its head and gored Leon on the chestplate, it dented.. no it shattered the heavy armor plate.. and with a swing of its head it knocked him against the wall..
Even in the chaos of this fire-fight I heard a distant, almost silent click somewhere.
Dita too, had exhausted her clip and was desperately trying to ram a spare clip in.. but their wasn't enough time.. The onos was already upon her, the behemoth reached out with open jaws! expecting a meal! but she held out her Empty MHMG.
CHOMP! Crack!!
The onos snapped her MHMG in half and spat the other half out.. and gave out a Deafening ROAR!!! that shook the metallic walls arouind it.
Up until now, Mike coudn't have gotten a shot off with his MGL since the entire squad was in his line of fire..
"EVERYONE GET DOWN NOW!!" Roared Mike over the comm link
I Leaped upon Dita, My propulsion and weight easily forcing the frighentend marine down.
Mike gave a soft tug on his trigger, a small fuel tank was lit and the flames behind the grenade lit up and exited the Launcher.
the projectile whistled as a yellow flame propelled the explosive with incredible speed.
A gulp-like sound was heard and a grenade slipped into Roaring ono's mouth! The onos gave out an alien like cough.. or something like that..
<!--c1--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>CODE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='CODE'><!--ec1-->1 second<!--c2--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--ec2-->
It fell back on its bulk
<!--c1--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>CODE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='CODE'><!--ec1-->2 seconds<!--c2--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--ec2-->
and tried to spit out the foreign object in it..
<!--c1--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>CODE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='CODE'><!--ec1-->3 seconds <!--c2--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--ec2-->
Time's up..
the only thing that remained from the onos was two pairs of legs.. the top of each leg was still black.. and smoking..
My Squadmates were still in disblief at what just happened.. several seconds ago.. they were facing off the mightiest of all aliens.. that was easily goring through them.. now it was dead.. gone.. It only remained in their memories..
Dita and I got up and quickly ran to the wounded marines..
I ran towards Leon.. My armored Legs gave a loud clunk as i raced towards him.. hoping that he was still alive.. As i approached.. i wish i'd stayed away.. The chestplate was completely disfigured.. blood and metal were mixed together.. and blood seeped downward from his helmet..
My Integrated Computer quickly scanned him and his health.. An unfortunate message appeared on my screen.
Multiple Fractures
3 Broken Ribs.
partially deflated Left Lung
Massive Blood loss
Health 15% armor 114
A pair of medpacks appeared next to him..and i quickly administered the health packs on him..
I disconnected His Helmet from his runied armor.. and more blood flowed freely from his mouth but he managed a few words..
"..*cough* heh.. *cough*Cough* the damn rhino di*cough*d.. I'm in *cough* ba*cough* shape.." whispered Leon
A catalyst pack Materialized .. I used it on him.
Catalyst packs... A substance used to increase the speed of the reaction..
Most of the time.. its used to speed up the metabolism of a marine..
The medpacks were starting to take effect.. It numbed the pain..and reduced the blood loss.. Microscopic nanites gathered around his injuries. The Medical nanites seeled the punctured lung.. and tiny splints were formed on his broken ribs.. glueing the broken pieces together..
Health 56% armor114
Several more medpacks appeared and once again they were all used on him.
Health 76% armor 114
Combined with the catalyst.. the speed of healing was doubled.. and Leon was able to Move around..
Several Catalyst packs appeared next to the unconscious Sarah..
Dita used one on Sarah.. The tiny nanites were quickly injected into Sarah's blood stream.. traveling up into her brain..
Normal medical nanites were programmed to NEVER enter the brain.. as they showed signs of negative side effects on the long run..
But catalyst nanites were different.. the nanites seeped into the Crevices of her brain and connected to each other. and a count down was made..
4 The nanites charged up
3 They started glowing
2 A charge and a spark
1
The nanites jolted her brain.. Bringing her from the world of dreams back into reality..
"ugh.. ... wuh.. happened?" she moaned..
Dita quickly took out her welder and fixed the giant dent on her Chestplate.
"Leon.. don't move...your too injured to move on" said Commander Laos
"don't worry, their aren't any any on that level"
I did the best i can with Leon's armor.. and i managed to bring his armor back to 200ap
I punched a few control panels and the door closed..
Though we were reluctant to leave Leon behind.. we knew he would be much safer on this level.. then the one below..
Sarah, Aura, Lisa, dita, Me and Mike Descended onto the the alien world below us.. after battling the onos.. our onboard AI pumped us full of adrenal liquids.. causing our brains to be more alert..more intelligent.. and providing us with better reflexes.
one thing I would suggest is to take away a health meter. i think that you can never really measure a person's health. no matter how advanced the technology is.
hmm okay.. no health meter
We checked, reloaded and checked our guns again.. Making sure that it'll work during combat.
My Helmet suddenly had a red blinking"Disconnected" Message, followed by a "Connection Established" and it turned green
"Hey marines I got some good news! the infestation is weakening, Hold on, I think we can recieve more reinforcements" Said Commander Laos.
"thats good, is leon alright?" asked Aura
"He's fine, I disconnected you guys for awhile to beacon leon back, and our New Marine ran a Checkup on him, and looks like he'll be fine"
I was quickly relieved upon hearing this, and got ready for combat. I held up my fist, signaling everyone around me.
We got into formation as we neared our destination, Even thought i coudn't see their expressions through the Helmets, I knew that each and ever single one of us would like to get home.. In one Piece.
Ding
The doors Opened, revealing a Variety of life within. Trees and Plants that i've never seen before that were blossoming, A odd-looking gorge was seen sniffing a green-blackish plant and didn't seem to notice us, or didn't care. This was an unusal gorge, as it was very petite and frail-looking, It didn't seem to able to support or produce and chambers, it looked at us and went back to sniffing, each sniff giving it a weird, but pleasurable feeling.
We hoped off the elevator and surveyed our surroundings, No one around us wanted to shoot the gorge, as it may signal our presence.
A phasegate Materialized in a corner of the room, and a blinking blue icon appeared over it.
We all rushed towards it. Lisa And I stood Guard, I was watching the gorge
The gorge was sniffing it, the tip of its nose was touching the black- petal part of the plant.. it swayed around as it was intoxicated by this.. Wonderful scent.. its perfect vision blurred and it closed its eyes.. too tired,
It opened its mouth and gave out.. an alien-yawn and fell asleep.
I was absolutely fascinated by it and made a note to myself to inspect the gorge after the mission.
The phase gate illuminated the dark and foreign forest, revealing more stationary life. The Hive was seen, looming in the opposite corner of our phasegate. The Hive contorted and prepared itself for birth. We Watched with Fascination as part of the hive swelled up, and something traveld down the large tube.
The creature langed with a splat, and it was covered in a gooey-clear substance it wriggled around, trying to get out. I observed, intrigued..
Were the first to have witness the birth of an alien? I pondered
It seemed to be a gorge...a very small one, it moved its head and it looked at us, with its large, yellow eyes, we were the first objects that it laid its eyes upon.
It hobbled towards us and nudged us with its pink feelers in its mouth. I felt it taste my armored Leg, It gave one last look before hobbling off.
"Commander, Where are all the skulks, where are the others??" I asked
Several Scan icons lit up in my HUD as he scanned the enitre map, I turned on my map, assured that these gorges woudn't harm us.
I was shocked.. their were no other aliens in this facility, they were all here.
"this.. this.. what is going on here?" said our puzzled commander.
"Okay, How come that ono attacked us and these gorge's aren't?"Said Lisa
"Hold on, im giving Headquarters a live-video connection, Stand-by" replied the commander
I looked around and saw Aura poking and playing with a gorge, i had to admit.. it was kind of cute.. the gorge nuzzled her finger and stroked it.. and licked her.
The gorge pawed her armor and gave a burp.
"ALright guys.. Don't attack them.." said commander laos
Hives, the heart of the kharaa, the hives were needed by the kharaa to spawn more and more aliens, Hives usually gave birth to ferocious skulks in the presence of hostiles, However, this hive was spawning more and more gorges.
Gorges were the complete opposite of skulks, Skulks were fierce, efficent killing machines, while Gorges were passsive, calm aliens, and were very curious.
"Don't shoot any of them, according to a recent study, the hive will only spawn Skulks when it feals threatened, But this hive was only created a short-while ago.
when i scanned it before, it was still growing and not fully functional yet, That onos came from a different hive, this hive doesn't realize that we're its enemies, wait hold on team, im getting a transmisision..............Good news!! Guys, we're pulling out, A Science team is coming to take control of this facility for research"
We all walked towards the phase gate, the gate gave us happiness and promised us safety, everyone phased in but me, My eyes darted towards the sleeping gorge, I walked towards it and easily picked it up with my Powered Arms. From sight alone, i estimated that the thing weighed atleast 30-40 pounds, most of it came from its.. Fat.
I gave one last look at this.. weird place and jumped into the phasegate.
The End!!!
I felt the ending to be very abrupt. It's likeyou were pushing it to end. The story was moving along fine and then suddenly, it stops.
By the way, thanks for posting here! <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
that other one was made to fool you guys!!!
The doors slowly swung open, revealing a dark Room. It was too dark to see anything.
The marines shifted uneasily in their armor, moving around and tried to get a look at the unknown.
"Where are they?" Whispered Sara
"I don't know" Said mark in a scared tone
I heard a Pit pit pit sound somewhere in the darkness and several alien grunts
"hey did you guys hear that?" I said
"Hear what?"replied Mark
Even in the darkness, I could see the faint outline of him moving towards the back of the Elevator.
We all stood in the elevator for what seemed an eternity until one of us had the nerve to do something about it.
Dita was afraid of the dark and quickly clicked a switch on her Helmet.
A clear luminous beam shined outward, revealing all.
The second she turned on her flashlight, we were all welcomed by a swarm of skulks.
I didn't even notice the nanites swirling above us as we were swarmed by a bunch of skulks.
Catalystic Packs fell unto all seven of us. Which was extremely useful as Catalyst packs can influence greatly change the way of battle. Catalystic Packs have the ability to increase the Abilities of the user, It dramaticallty alters the mind, allowing it to process thoughts several times faster, reflexes and the strength were also increased. We pulled our triggers as far back as possible.
Someone gave a Girly scream over the CommChannel, but it was blocked out by the Growls and bites of the Dog-like aliens.
"aargghahh" someone groaned.
I pulled the trigger of my Shotgun and immidiately took out several skulks, but they were replaceed with even more skulks.
Mark being the smart one, pulled the trigger on his Grenade Launcher.
The Grenades of the launcher have a special 3 time delay, but they also exploded on contact with Foreign objects, in this case the Kharaa, The grenades also have another special feature, the Shrapnel would usually dissiapate into tiny harmless pieces before impacting a Fiendly. But There was a bug in the Grenade, it only caused harm towards the one that fires it.
The grenade never Reached its 3 second limit, it briefly made contact with a skulk and exploded, the explosion flushed all the skulks in the elevator out. Giving our all-Ready Green armor an extra coating of skulk and green.
I fired out the door, hoping to kill more skulks.
"Get out of my way" Screamed Sarah
Sarah's armor had multiple breaches and bite marks on it but she was still able to fight. She forcefully slammed against the side of the elevator and Pointed her Two nozzles outward. A Brilliant blueish-redish Flame whoooosed out, barbecuing all that tried to snack on us.
Several Skulks that rushed her were immidiately toasted, Extra-Crispy
A gorge wailed in pain as the tip of Sarah's flame torched its behind, it wobbled around a corner. <!--emo&::gorge::--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/pudgy.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='pudgy.gif' /><!--endemo-->
Several Spike Chamberse tried to fling its spikes at her, but were quickly lit up by her flame and went on fire.
Sarah gave another step, The crunch of her metallic boot was downed out by her Awesome Flamethrower.
I got up and realized I was okay and quickly ran a check on the other 5 marines in the elevator, they were all fine except Dita.
I gasped.
She layed on the floor, on top of blood and metal.
Dita was at the front of the elevator when the skulks ambushed us, Her once armored Legs had multiple breaches, Her MHMG was bitten in half, Pieces of Armor littered the area around her, but worst of all, Dita's external chestplate was ruined, and several punctures were bloody,
I had no idea that the skulk bite could do that much damage.
"Comms, Ditas in bad shape.. requs"
I didn't even have time to finished the sentence as a phase gate and several Medpacks materialzed outside. I quickly Injected the Medical nanites into her blood stream, hoping that our most advanced technologies could save her.
"Aura, Mike, Go and cover Sarah! now! shes in the other room,
Lisa Kel Get Dita out of there now!!!" Yelled our commander.
The Medpacks were able to stabilize Dita, and managed to reduce the blood loss.
But this place was too dangerous for anyone without proper equipement, let alone a hurt marine.
Lisa got the phasegate up, I lookeed at her and she nodded, She easily picked up Dita in her powered-suit and carried her away. The two female marines vanished into the phase gate, and out of harm's way.
I ran towards the other room, assuming that the others may need my help.
They didn't Aura was covering Sarah's back as Mark Launched his grenades at the hive. On top of the hive, perched a lerk, it desperately spored us, hoping that the green toxic cloud would kill us, but being in Heavy Armor, with an Air-Filtration system, it was useless.
The grenades blew up on the hive, slightly damaging it, but then he noticed the four Tentacles holding the alien-structure up, he aimed, and pulled his trigger, 4 beautiful grenades rocketed upwards and blew up on the tip of the tentacles.
The hive gave a flop and a squishy sound as it landed, It crushed a gorge below it That was A second ago trying to keep its hive alive. Mark finished it off with his remaing grenades. <!--emo&::hive::--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/hive5.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='hive5.gif' /><!--endemo-->
The Lerk Screeched as it lost its balance and landed next to Sarah, Even though her face was masked by the helmet, I think I saw a grin.
She Held out her nozzle her and torched the poor lerk.
A blue circle appeared in the center of the room and spread outwards..
"Damn, Good Job marines..you killed everything! you even killed the hive! good job!!
I gave out a deep breath, knowing everything was going to be okay.
all three of us Exited the once-hostile room and back into Marine Start.
Commander Laos already sent out a Transmission, Lisa was looking over Leon and Dita, She turned and gave us a Thumbs up and a Smile.
"Nice work marines, now we only have to wait for the Dropships to dock with the space station" said our very cheerful commander,
"Hey guys, anyone hungry?" said a grinning Sarah
Sarah held out the Lerk she just fried several minutes ago.
"Its Kentucky Fried Lerk! Dig in!! " smiled Sarah! <!--emo&::lerk::--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/lerk.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='lerk.gif' /><!--endemo-->
I don't have microsoft word <!--emo&:(--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/sad-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='sad-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
<!--QuoteBegin--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--> Commander Laos then told the Marines, "Move out, and stay together. We can't afford any casualties<span style='color:red'>."</span>
<span style='color:red'>"Sure thing," Mark replied, "as long as Leon can keep up with me." This got a couple chuckles from the Marines</span>, who then moved out. It wasn't long before they started to notice the walls were becoming more slimy and green...<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Always start new lines when a different person talks, and try to break up the quotes like what Mark said in that quote.
Remember, new sentences <b>always</b> start with a capital letter, and names always start with capitals.
Here's the first paragraph of your recent chapter re-written:
<!--QuoteBegin--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--> The nano-gridlock was becoming worse and worse...
"Marines, listen up - the bacterium is spreading and getting worse<span style='color:red'>,"</span> Commander Laos told the Marines, "and chances are that there is another Hive being built at this time. This isn't a good situation - I can't get us any reinforcements, so we're on our own. Squad 3 is now known as Squad 1. I want you guys to stay in base, and build the Phase Gate and the Proto Lab<span style='color:red'>."</span> Commander Laos searched the map for possible Hive locations. Although he could not see any of the actual bacterium, he could find good locations that the aliens could use as a Hive location. As he found one, he initiated a scan on that area.
For a few seconds, the area was lit up with an eerie blue glow, revealing anything that was there.
"Ok guys, I found the Hive location - you can see it on your maps for a few seconds if you look now<span style='color:red'>,"</span> Commander Laos instructed the Marines. "Squad 2, build the phase gate - there's no activity in the Hive. We need to take it down now, before they know what happened to them<span style='color:red'>."</span>
Soon, the Marines would know why there wasn't anyone, or rather anything, at the Hive... <!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd--><!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
I hate to be picky, but your correction contains errors.
The main problem is the direct speech, which follows the following format:<ul><li>Open speech marks (")</li><li>Put in your speech, using normal punctuation but <b>only to separate sentences and clauses</b> within the speech marks.</li><li>Close speech marks (")</li><li>Resume narration (this is the tricky part)<ol type='1'><li>If your speech finishes with an exclamation mark (!) or question mark (?): After the second speech mark add a space and <b>either</b> add a descriptive phrase (such as: he remarked) <b>or</b> continue with the narration. [eg. <span style='color:white'>"as long as Leon can keep up with me!" This got a couple chuckles from the Marines...</span>]</li><li>If your speech would normally finish with a full stop (.): After the speech mark <b>either</b> add a comma, space and a descriptive phrase <b>or</b> add a full stop, space and continue with the narration. [eg. <span style='color:white'>"Sure thing", Mark replied, "as long as Leon...</span>]</li></ul></li></ol>
I think im going to start something.. new. <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->