Sparton: Sector Ae67
BloodBall
Join Date: 2003-07-11 Member: 18098Members
Join Date: 2003-07-11 Member: 18098Members
<div class="IPBDescription">My first fanfic</div> <span style='font-size:14pt;line-height:100%'><b>Sparton: Sector AE67</b></span>
Well I finally decided to start my own fan fiction. After reading ‘38 Minutes’, an insanely good story, and a few others I got some inspiration. I'm only going to do the first 2 chapters so I can get some feedback, and if I suck, then I won't write anymore <!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif' /><!--endemo-->. So here it goes:
<span style='font-size:11pt;line-height:100%'><u><b>The Arrival</u></b></span>
Captains Log: Day 7
<i>”It’s so cold here, its like it’s eating away at our bodies, let alone our moral. The men and I are really regretting joining up for things like this. But money is money I guess. We’re moving on slowly through this god forsaken facility with nothing to show for it. We came here on TSA orders and were expecting some action, not a cold hike through an abandoned mining town. Well I guess we’ll just kee…
*End Transmission*</i>
Some shuffling and gunshots were heard soon after, and the men discontinued their daily reports to base. The TSA has sent a rescue squad to attempt to find any survivors and suppress any opposition they find. They plan to keep this a secret. A public outbreak would be devastating to the reputation of the TSA. The public must not know. Must not know…
“Arrival imminent, proceed with landing procedures immediately.”
“Yeah yeah we know, shut up.” Sgt. Andy LeColst never like that thing, it always gave him an eerie feeling. Personally, I’ve memorized everything that machine says, of course, it’s the only woman’s voice I’ve heard in a while. Being part of the TSA Shades we don’t get to socialize much.
“10 seconds to touchdown”
“Alright men, get your **** together and lets kill us some flipping aliens”
”Hoorah!”
When we arrived there seemed to be nothing out of the ordinary, besides the fact that nobody was here. It was pretty cold when we arrived. You could almost see the ice form on the streets. The sky was dishwater grey and it looked like a storm was brewing up. I could tell before we started this was going to be a stressful mission.
”Why the hell are we here for this Sarg? We’re supposed to be the best, and this hellhole isn’t what we were trained for.”
”Shuttup Gary, this is a spec ops mission, and we’re the spec ops. If you don’t want to be here then get your **** back on that ship and go home”
That sure shut him up, Gary Cooper was always one to be arrogant, and Sarg was always at the end of his temper with him. But what can ya do, he’s one of our best.
We started walking through the town looking for survivors, the place was suspiciously quiet. Usually our missions are a quick in and out, no questions asked.
<span style='font-size:11pt;line-height:100%'><u><b>The Encounter</span></u></b>
We walked around until sunset, and were about to find a place to set up camp when it all started. The first one to notice was Hardy. He was always one to notice the little things. The cars were all still there, untouched. Household items were left out like they were in the middle of being used when the people disappeared. It was like they just disappeared. Nothing we have learned could have explained such a phenomenon as this.
As we entered the mining facility, we noticed the walls were different. They almost seemed alive. The farther we got in, the more dominant it was, and it started to pulse. This was something we’ve never encountered before. We moved with great caution as we inched our way through the facility.
It was so quite. Too quite. We could hear the armor creak as the joints started to dry out with the strange, dusty, air of this planet.
“Gary and Alan with me, James, you and Rick go check the barracks, see if you can find any survivors, report in when you get there”
It shook me back into reality as I heard my name being called. James… A flash went through my mind just then, one that I would never forget. It was a picture of me, except I was watching it from the eyes of someone, or something, else. My Ident-Chain was lying on the floor:
<span style='font-family:Courier'>James Castle
Lieutenant
TSA Shade Force
Age: 21
Weight: 165
Height: 5’9”</span>
I shook myself back to the present and looked at the mini-map in the hud panel of my visor. The barracks appeared to be through a few rooms and about 56 meters away. As we started walking down the long, cold, and empty hallways, Rick noticed that most of the air vents were broken open. It appeared as though they were… bitten off. We reported this to Sarg and continued onward. We reached a room labeled “Mess Hall.” The door seemed like it had been smashed, but it was operable with a little force. The panel on the right was operated by fingerprints. Being part of the Shades, our prints were like skeleton keys, we could get almost anywhere.
We can both thank Sargent LeColst for our live right now. As we walked into that room a doglike creature came and jumped right at Rick. With quick reactions he rolled out of the way allowing me to get a shot out from my shotgun before the creature got away. His green blood spurted all over the table behind it, and seemed to melt away at the metal, like acid.
It was then that we heard laughter that seemed to be coming from the walls. We couldn’t acquire a target anywhere but the sound was enough to make a man go insane. Just then I spotted an outline in the corner of the room. I wasn’t sure what it was but I shot at it. It was another creature like the first, except this time it was bigger and seemed like it was too heavy to wall climb like its relative. Before I was able to shoot it, I was attacked from behind. I could feel my armor being ripped off as claws dug into my back. I fell to the ground, as the blood started to spurt from my back. With what I thought were my dieing breaths, I grabbed at the knife in my pocket and slashed the creature in the side. Catching it by surprise it fell onto the ground next to me, allowing Rick enough time to gun it right in the face. The bullets ripped apart the creatures flesh, taking its life almost immediately. I applied a spare med pack that we were told to carry around with us. I could feel the nanobots replacing my skin with a synthetic replacement. I reapplied my stripped armor, although quite dented, rendering it nearly useless, but anything is better than nothing.
We started to continue on towards the barracks, forgetting about the other creature that was spotted. We would soon learn that this was our biggest mistake...
Well I finally decided to start my own fan fiction. After reading ‘38 Minutes’, an insanely good story, and a few others I got some inspiration. I'm only going to do the first 2 chapters so I can get some feedback, and if I suck, then I won't write anymore <!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif' /><!--endemo-->. So here it goes:
<span style='font-size:11pt;line-height:100%'><u><b>The Arrival</u></b></span>
Captains Log: Day 7
<i>”It’s so cold here, its like it’s eating away at our bodies, let alone our moral. The men and I are really regretting joining up for things like this. But money is money I guess. We’re moving on slowly through this god forsaken facility with nothing to show for it. We came here on TSA orders and were expecting some action, not a cold hike through an abandoned mining town. Well I guess we’ll just kee…
*End Transmission*</i>
Some shuffling and gunshots were heard soon after, and the men discontinued their daily reports to base. The TSA has sent a rescue squad to attempt to find any survivors and suppress any opposition they find. They plan to keep this a secret. A public outbreak would be devastating to the reputation of the TSA. The public must not know. Must not know…
“Arrival imminent, proceed with landing procedures immediately.”
“Yeah yeah we know, shut up.” Sgt. Andy LeColst never like that thing, it always gave him an eerie feeling. Personally, I’ve memorized everything that machine says, of course, it’s the only woman’s voice I’ve heard in a while. Being part of the TSA Shades we don’t get to socialize much.
“10 seconds to touchdown”
“Alright men, get your **** together and lets kill us some flipping aliens”
”Hoorah!”
When we arrived there seemed to be nothing out of the ordinary, besides the fact that nobody was here. It was pretty cold when we arrived. You could almost see the ice form on the streets. The sky was dishwater grey and it looked like a storm was brewing up. I could tell before we started this was going to be a stressful mission.
”Why the hell are we here for this Sarg? We’re supposed to be the best, and this hellhole isn’t what we were trained for.”
”Shuttup Gary, this is a spec ops mission, and we’re the spec ops. If you don’t want to be here then get your **** back on that ship and go home”
That sure shut him up, Gary Cooper was always one to be arrogant, and Sarg was always at the end of his temper with him. But what can ya do, he’s one of our best.
We started walking through the town looking for survivors, the place was suspiciously quiet. Usually our missions are a quick in and out, no questions asked.
<span style='font-size:11pt;line-height:100%'><u><b>The Encounter</span></u></b>
We walked around until sunset, and were about to find a place to set up camp when it all started. The first one to notice was Hardy. He was always one to notice the little things. The cars were all still there, untouched. Household items were left out like they were in the middle of being used when the people disappeared. It was like they just disappeared. Nothing we have learned could have explained such a phenomenon as this.
As we entered the mining facility, we noticed the walls were different. They almost seemed alive. The farther we got in, the more dominant it was, and it started to pulse. This was something we’ve never encountered before. We moved with great caution as we inched our way through the facility.
It was so quite. Too quite. We could hear the armor creak as the joints started to dry out with the strange, dusty, air of this planet.
“Gary and Alan with me, James, you and Rick go check the barracks, see if you can find any survivors, report in when you get there”
It shook me back into reality as I heard my name being called. James… A flash went through my mind just then, one that I would never forget. It was a picture of me, except I was watching it from the eyes of someone, or something, else. My Ident-Chain was lying on the floor:
<span style='font-family:Courier'>James Castle
Lieutenant
TSA Shade Force
Age: 21
Weight: 165
Height: 5’9”</span>
I shook myself back to the present and looked at the mini-map in the hud panel of my visor. The barracks appeared to be through a few rooms and about 56 meters away. As we started walking down the long, cold, and empty hallways, Rick noticed that most of the air vents were broken open. It appeared as though they were… bitten off. We reported this to Sarg and continued onward. We reached a room labeled “Mess Hall.” The door seemed like it had been smashed, but it was operable with a little force. The panel on the right was operated by fingerprints. Being part of the Shades, our prints were like skeleton keys, we could get almost anywhere.
We can both thank Sargent LeColst for our live right now. As we walked into that room a doglike creature came and jumped right at Rick. With quick reactions he rolled out of the way allowing me to get a shot out from my shotgun before the creature got away. His green blood spurted all over the table behind it, and seemed to melt away at the metal, like acid.
It was then that we heard laughter that seemed to be coming from the walls. We couldn’t acquire a target anywhere but the sound was enough to make a man go insane. Just then I spotted an outline in the corner of the room. I wasn’t sure what it was but I shot at it. It was another creature like the first, except this time it was bigger and seemed like it was too heavy to wall climb like its relative. Before I was able to shoot it, I was attacked from behind. I could feel my armor being ripped off as claws dug into my back. I fell to the ground, as the blood started to spurt from my back. With what I thought were my dieing breaths, I grabbed at the knife in my pocket and slashed the creature in the side. Catching it by surprise it fell onto the ground next to me, allowing Rick enough time to gun it right in the face. The bullets ripped apart the creatures flesh, taking its life almost immediately. I applied a spare med pack that we were told to carry around with us. I could feel the nanobots replacing my skin with a synthetic replacement. I reapplied my stripped armor, although quite dented, rendering it nearly useless, but anything is better than nothing.
We started to continue on towards the barracks, forgetting about the other creature that was spotted. We would soon learn that this was our biggest mistake...
Comments
your story is gd and u shld continue. if u find any part of your satisfatory, rewrite it. do not stop writing because of soem bad comments. read the criticism and move on. however, if ppl say your story sux all the way, that is a different story.
typo "Sargent LeColst for our <b>live</b> right now."
Perhaps the 2nd chapter could flashback to why the first squad came to the mining town, and a little bit of there exploits. Work on length a bit, but don't try and force length. As long as you are happy with what you wrote post it <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
Also the layout with the bolding and underlining gives your story a polished look that you see in finished stories. People still judge unconciously on how the story is presented, and if it's presented purty people will be willing to invest time in reading it.
more!