Winter Rose
DarkATi
Revelation 22:17 Join Date: 2003-06-20 Member: 17532Members, Reinforced - Shadow
Revelation 22:17 Join Date: 2003-06-20 Member: 17532Members, Reinforced - Shadow
<div class="IPBDescription">A Short Poem by DarkATi</div> The winter-man sits, sitting his way
With nothing to do, nor nothing to say
a bitter and cold creature adds to the winter
The summer is long gone it adds to the winter
The sorrow consumes him every day
He sings nought but sad songs, no kind words to say
He sits all alone and watches the storm
As the snow starts to fall as he watches the storm
And I am the winter-man and you this great storm
You come bringing death, lifeless and bored
I've heard what you know, the end is at hand
I know where to go, yea, the end is at hand
I could keep it winter, enjoy my december
or maybe I bring forth new life from this splinter
a single rose grows in the shadows beyond
not a creature dare stir in those shadows beyond
But I will stand up and begin on my way
You've tattered me, beaten me, then turned back the way
the way that you came from
the way that you're going
see I am the winter-man and the storm is not knowing.
<!--emo&;)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/wink-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='wink-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
Just something I wrote in my spare time, looking for some constructive criticism for it.
~ DarkATi
With nothing to do, nor nothing to say
a bitter and cold creature adds to the winter
The summer is long gone it adds to the winter
The sorrow consumes him every day
He sings nought but sad songs, no kind words to say
He sits all alone and watches the storm
As the snow starts to fall as he watches the storm
And I am the winter-man and you this great storm
You come bringing death, lifeless and bored
I've heard what you know, the end is at hand
I know where to go, yea, the end is at hand
I could keep it winter, enjoy my december
or maybe I bring forth new life from this splinter
a single rose grows in the shadows beyond
not a creature dare stir in those shadows beyond
But I will stand up and begin on my way
You've tattered me, beaten me, then turned back the way
the way that you came from
the way that you're going
see I am the winter-man and the storm is not knowing.
<!--emo&;)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/wink-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='wink-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
Just something I wrote in my spare time, looking for some constructive criticism for it.
~ DarkATi
Comments
With nothing to do, nor nothing to say
a bitter and cold creature adds to the winter
The summer is long gone it adds to the winter
The sorrow consumes him every day
He sings nought but sad songs, no kind words to say
He sits all alone and watches the storm
As the snow starts to fall as he watches the storm
And I am the winter-man and you this great storm
You come bringing death, lifeless and bored
I've heard what you know, the end is at hand
I know where to go, yea, the end is at hand
I could keep it winter, enjoy my december
or maybe I bring forth new life from this splinter
a single rose grows in the shadows beyond
not a creature dare stir in those shadows beyond
But I will stand up and begin on my way
You've tattered me, beaten me, then turned back the way
the way that you came from
the way that you're going
see I am the winter-man and the storm is not knowing.
<!--emo&;)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/wink-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='wink-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
Just something I wrote in my spare time, looking for some constructive criticism for it.
~ DarkATi <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
What is the connection with this specific poem and that of the the natural selection mythology
so two thumbs up regardless. <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/smile-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
~ DarkATi
lol!
Well we like you too. <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/biggrin-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
Great job!! <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/biggrin-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
In the meantime here is some advice on how to critique a (French) poem, maybe you can turn the process on its head to enrich your own work. EDIT: Just realised how specific this is so have put in bold the more relevant sections. Basically you can really alter the influence the poem has on its reader by employing different techniques in its style and form.
Questions to ask of a poem
1. Is the poem cast in a fixed form (sonnet or other)? If so, does the poet work easily within the confines of the predetermined framework, or does s/he seem to chafe at the form's restrictions?
2. If not a forme fixe, what form has the poet chosen? Free verse (vers libres)? What kind or kinds of lines (vers) does the author use - octosyllabes, décasyllabes, alexandrins - or less common ones? Do different kinds of lines alternate or recur in any recognisable pattern?
<b>3. Are the lines arranged into stanzas (strophes)? How many strophes are there, and how many lines to each one? Is there any change in their arrangement or pattern?</b>
<b>4. If the poem is not rhyme-less (vers blancs) what kind (or kinds) of rhyme scheme is used - rimes plates, rimes embrassées, rimes croisées - or more unusual, original, or complicated patterns? Is there alternation of rimes masculines and rimes féminines? Are the rhymes suffisantes, riches, or pauvres?</b> This is whether the rhyming scheme is AABB, ABAB or ABAC etc.
<b>5. Can the poem be logically divided into a certain number of parts? What type of transition exists between them (smooth, abrupt)? Does the poem, in its general organisation, move in a linear, ascending-descending, or circular manner?</b>
<b>6. Is the meaning of each word of the poem clear, as well as all allusions, whether mythological, literary or other? Are there examples of punning or word-play (jeux de mots)? Are any words used in their etymological sense? For what purpose? Is the vocabulary predominantly abstract or concrete? Is it possible to group together a number of concrete or abstract words in certain categories?</b>
<b>7. Do some words have more than one meaning? Is their ambiguity, deliberate or unintentional? Are some words used merely as padding to fill out the line (cheville), or because the poet needed a certain rhyme?</b>
<b>8. Do certain types of words predominate (nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs, etc.)? Are some types of words conspicuous by their absence? Do the adjectives and adverbs used seem particularly effective?</b>
<b>9. Is any special use made of verb tenses or changes from one tense to another?</b>
<b>10. Is the syntax regular, or are there inversions or other types of syntactic dislocation? For what reason do they occur?</b>
<b>11. Does the poet seem particularly concerned with relationships between sound and meaning? In what specific instances? Do certain vowels or consonants predominate? With what effect? Are examples of the following to be found: alliteration, assonance, onomatopoeia, dissonance, internal rhyme? What is their function? Are there unusual or recherché effects of euphony or cacophony (as, for example, hiatus)? What relationships exist between the sounds and other elements of the poem?</b>
<b>12. What is the basic rhythm of the poem (slow, fast, heavy irregular)? How is it modified during the course of the poem by the poet's treatment of césure, coupes, enjambement? With what aim of heightened expression or accentuation or underlining the meaning of certain words? What effect do they have upon maintaining, hastening, or retarding the movement of the poem? How is the tempo increased or slowed down in other ways (repetitions, mute e's, choice of certain sonorities, isolated lines, etc.)? What general relationship exists between the rhythm and other elements of the poem?</b>
Maybe someone else want to have a go at critiquing DarkAti's work?