First Encounter(b4 Six Days In Sanjii)

m0nk3ym0nk3y Join Date: 2004-06-21 Member: 29452Members Posts: 132
edited August 2004 in Fan-Fiction Forum
my first story!
This story takes place around the edge of the Adriadne Arm where the infestation is.

A dropship arrives and you get off the docking bay along with several other marines.

You are sent onto a mining facility on top of a large asteroid to help out with a little problem in there. The workers reported having parasitic burns from an unknown cause. The burns would hurt for a few minutes and then fade away. Many workers think thats theres something in the water thats causing the burns or its probaly the food. You try and become familiar with your surroundings by walking around.

you make your way to the control room to see two workers fussing around with equipment and a monitor.

you take a a look at the LCD monitor. two marines are guarding a large drill and 10 workers. There is also a scientist there, He is bald, with gray hair, somewhat fat and a scar on his eye. He seems very excited on whats on the opposite side of the cold, brown rock.

"Alright, only two more feet to go" says a short and stocky worker with a red jumpsuit.

Your thinking " whats so valuable in here? and whats that smell.."

you have to go back and and put ur stuff into ur bunk. along the way you encounter a marine holding some heavy boxes full of equipment. He Says" hey, buddy, you forgot your armor, your pistol oh and the crappy grenade.l" he hands you the T.S.A nano armor and the standard pistol. only 10 shots but very accurate and deadly. " oh and hold this LMG? " " i gotta tie these boots" bends down to tie his laces and moves on with his box "

you yell " hey wait you forgot the LMG" but hes too far away and thinking you'll return it to him later..

Nearing your bunk,you see a group of workers in dissapointment and angry over a couple monitors filled with static. a worker says " damn it, the cameras must be outta batteries already" gets up and walks to the storage room. you look at the black and white monitor to see a the drill breaking making a neat round hole and pops these little dog like creatures running out and swarming over the marines. THe workers stared in awe as each one of them were ripped apart. One worker made a run toward the elevator shaft only to be shot with something from behind and was taken down by 3 dog things. Now you recognize the marine before holding the box. He gets off the Elevator and sees a row of teeth and and mutilated bodies. he dropped his box and primes his grenade. the screen goes back into static.

You hear a loud explosion in the direction where the Marine was going. a long metallic groan and you know the area has being sealed off with dirt and boulders.


You don't even have a fraction of a second to think, as you hear a snarl behind you..
Post edited by Unknown User on
“Engagement protocol is pretty simple: if it moves, and it isn’t human, put a lot of lead in it.”

Comments

  • SkulkinatorSkulkinator Join Date: 2004-05-30 Member: 29016Members Posts: 99
    A few things:
    • Unless I read incorrectly, "Six Days In Sanjii" is supposed to be first contact
    • Grammar problems (capitalization, dialogue)
    • Interesting POV, though
  • m0nk3ym0nk3y Join Date: 2004-06-21 Member: 29452Members Posts: 132
    edited August 2004
    cant we just make believe that did happen before six days?
    btw wut is POV?
    “Engagement protocol is pretty simple: if it moves, and it isn’t human, put a lot of lead in it.”
  • m0nk3ym0nk3y Join Date: 2004-06-21 Member: 29452Members Posts: 132
    QUOTE
    How the TSA came into ownership of the Genghis Labs mining facility
    The Mongolian Independent States had been a trans-system entity for only fifty years, before information came to light revealing shocking violations of The Charter’s fair trade and population abuse statutes. The violations were so extreme, the sanctions imposed cost them half their assets -- an ironic turn for the young corporation, as the following note explains. The Sanjii mine was a long term venture, and was no longer economically viable. The TSA had no base in The Steppes, so as part of the reparations was scouting the repossessed and abandoned Mongolian facilities as possible outposts. These scouting surveys weren’t considered to be combat missions -- but experience had taught the TSA to assume the worse, or at least be suspicious. Especially of bitter corporations.


    yea and as the TSA started taking control of it, a few marines were first sent in to make sure if these areas were suitable for small bases and outpost!
    “Engagement protocol is pretty simple: if it moves, and it isn’t human, put a lot of lead in it.”
  • SkulkinatorSkulkinator Join Date: 2004-05-30 Member: 29016Members Posts: 99
    POV is point of view. And I'm pretty sure what is mentioned in that quote is describing the mission in "Six Days". Anyway, I don't feel like arguing anymore.
  • m0nk3ym0nk3y Join Date: 2004-06-21 Member: 29452Members Posts: 132
    edited August 2004
    oh no the quote is before the story Six Days, The TSA wanted to expand and make little outpost so they started taking those over and some of them had deaths involved.! thats where my story comes from!






    does this mean i should stop writing?
    “Engagement protocol is pretty simple: if it moves, and it isn’t human, put a lot of lead in it.”
  • SkulkinatorSkulkinator Join Date: 2004-05-30 Member: 29016Members Posts: 99
    Not at all, I was just pointing out the details presented by the background story, etc.
  • m0nk3ym0nk3y Join Date: 2004-06-21 Member: 29452Members Posts: 132
    kk
    !
    “Engagement protocol is pretty simple: if it moves, and it isn’t human, put a lot of lead in it.”
  • RobRob Unknown Enemy Join Date: 2002-01-24 Member: 25Members, NS1 Playtester Posts: 2,604 Advanced user
    edited August 2004
    To clear up. "Six Days" is the first documented encounter with the Kharra. The qoute you mentioned above was explaining why the marines were at Sanjii in the first place. They were the team that was determining if the station was viable for a base.

    However, fan-fiction means just that: tales written by fans which don't necessarily mesh completely with the background story. Feel free to slightly distort or otherwise rape and pillage Jeff's Official NS backstory at your will. I know I did tounge.gif
    -Rob
  • m0nk3ym0nk3y Join Date: 2004-06-21 Member: 29452Members Posts: 132
    YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa
    “Engagement protocol is pretty simple: if it moves, and it isn’t human, put a lot of lead in it.”
  • SkulkinatorSkulkinator Join Date: 2004-05-30 Member: 29016Members Posts: 99
    (Very long "Ohh")
  • m0nk3ym0nk3y Join Date: 2004-06-21 Member: 29452Members Posts: 132
    you dont even have time to turn around as the the thing just leaped and forced you down. You bang your face upon the cold, metal floor and the thing was on his back snarling and snapping at this armor, trying to get throught to the soft flesh.

    you reach up with your two hands and fling it off your back. the dog like thing hit the wall and your surpised to see it walk so gracefully on the wall with its 4 dagger like legs. The dog thing had fierce yellow eyes and 6 huge fangs in the front and two big veins that ran from its eyes to the back. You grab your pistol and manage to get a shot before you close your eyes. A second later your on your back with the dog thing on your chest, the dog-like thing's eyes which were once bright yellow were now dark gray. Wondering how you survived, you instantly notice a bullet wound on top of the dog thing's head, green, gooey liquid oozed out of the small hole and from its mouth too.

    Being able to think now, you take off your armor and gasp at what you saw. the TSA nano armor had 3 inch thick plates on the front and the back. The back plate was almost gone with a long deep gash in it.and you begin to feel blood, your blood on your back. a broken pipe suddenly hissed and after your encouter with the dog thing you squeeze in 4 shots on the pipe. you put on whats left of your armor back on and start walking..


    You make your way to out of this area and into a new area that you didnt see yet.
    You walk into the dark hallway with your LMG however, you only have one clip, the clip that was in the LMG and can't waste those 50 shots. a fat pig like thing appeared in one of the room, you see its fat chubby buttocks and the pig thing hasnt noticed you yet. It appeared to be eating a big pile of mush, you watch in fascination as the mush turned into a 4 feet tall thing with plates on it. The piggy thing turned around and noticed you. it waddles up to you and spits on your armor. THe gorge didnt have a chance to spit at you again as you unload your whole clip into the piggy alien and threw your lmg at it. you take out your pistol, start walking, and wondered what the pig was doing with that thing.
    “Engagement protocol is pretty simple: if it moves, and it isn’t human, put a lot of lead in it.”
  • zoobyzooby Join Date: 2003-08-26 Member: 20236Members Posts: 429
    You keep switching between past and present tense, makes your story read really poorly. Pick a tense and try to stick with it. You switch back and forth at least 10 times.
    Them ignorants complain that we who control this space station think we're God. We're not God. We just use the "Smite" button profusely.

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  • m0nk3ym0nk3y Join Date: 2004-06-21 Member: 29452Members Posts: 132
    argh, im gonna stop typing these crappy stories and start playing more biggrin-fix.gif
    “Engagement protocol is pretty simple: if it moves, and it isn’t human, put a lot of lead in it.”
  • Soul_RiderSoul_Rider Mod Bean Join Date: 2004-06-19 Member: 29388Members, Constellation, Squad Five Blue Posts: 4,268 Advanced user
    Getting a little confused by the third person view point, but other than that, the idea of the story is not too bad.
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    Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
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