Fiction!
<div class="IPBDescription">Mans Greatest Story Type</div> Well, I cant post this in the fan fiction forum because frankly they just only take NS stuff! But, I do not plan to bore you with my 50 page story so here is the cover title! If anyone is interested Ill throw it on my webspace!
Comments
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I like to think the greatest story type is porno. <!--emo&???--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/confused.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='confused.gif' /><!--endemo-->
Its obviously aesthetically unpleasing. You're using white times new roman in it, and it sticks out like a sore thumb. And even the title and slogan fonts look like the kind of stuff found on a 70s-style low-budget paperback release, in other words ugly as sin especially combined with that atrocious purple.
And the slogan itself - "<i>in a time of defense</i>", is so corny you have to either be kidding or presenting a daytime TV script, otherwise thats just unacceptable.
But honestly, I'm no great fan of covers. A screwed up one like that might never attract a customer (or maybe my tastes are way off and it will), but its whats inside that matters anyway.
As for an excerpt, I'll put one up. What I wrote was the future, 2203, and a new power has risen in Eurasian theatre. Military has been replaced by walking mechs called Vectors, and this new Dictator has established a very formidle Vector army. After storming the eastern European front, Europe is on its toes and all the powers are wrestling for control. The Ukrainian Dictator decides to take an alternate course and head to the east, towards Russia. The story takes place on a small outpost to east of the Ural mountains. The force is comprised of 50 Vector units, and... well you just have to read it. I'll try and give you a chunck of the good stuff.
Why?
He's offering C&C about something... and his comments are all correct IMHO.
If you don't post anything about your story first, what else do you expect people to talk about?
Tee hee
You'll like my story. It's not set in the future or anything.
I guess my previous comment was too subtle! The cover is poorly made.
...One of the heavy Vectors was circling a medium, inducing heavy ballistic fire from its gattling guns mounted on the front. The Ukrainian Vector was loosing its form of balance from the sustained fire, but one other Vector came to its rescue. The towering mech came in from behind and managed to get a few missiles out of the bays and swipe the Russian from behind. The large Vector noticed the hit and then turned to return fire. The medium Ukrainian Vector that it was attacking previously now regained its balance and returned fire to retaliate in response. Shells and bullets pelted the armor plating that protected the reactor from behind, and the heavy Vector didn’t know whether to concentrate on the Vector in the front or the one attacking from behind.
It turned its torso ninety degrees and then moved itself around to circle the attacker. It fired off a salvo of rockets that impaled the shoulder area of the attacking Ukrainian. The medium Vector was moved off balance and swayed to keep itself aloft. The heavy Vector rammed it with a laser blast to the torso, and the Ukrainian attacker Vector fell into the snow. The other medium Vector, seeing his comrade fall from weapons fire, ran into a ramming pace and then hit the front end of the heavy Vector. Paul looked out and tried to observe if it had successfully impaled the pilot in the cockpit, and noticed that the medium Ukrainian had just barely missed the cockpit by a few feet.
The heavy Vector shifted it torso to get the small mech off, shaking back and forth. The medium Vector shifted its balance and moved backwards. The heavy backed off and set off covering fire as it retreated to a safer location. The medium Ukrainian Vector also turned to retreat, and broke off into a running pace back to its ranks...
Fact remains, anyone seeing that picture alone, without the text will see an aweful filter overlaid on an already fairly corny picture. The copyright note is beyond matters of taste just bad. Theres really no reason for anyone to bother being nice to you about this - its not a whole lot of effort gaining basic photoshop skills yourself or finding someone that has them, and using fonts that don't pixelate out the ****. Even finding a nicer motif (while still being within what you want for a cover), wouldn't kill you - hell, if you want to, talk to someone over at conceptart or so if they'll make you something, or if you can use something of theirs you like (as a sort of temporary solution). I don't know. Anything that doesn't make me go blind please.
As for the battle scene, I'll be reluctant in smashing it for a change - just suffice to say it feels highly unpersonal or bland. Maybe theres a storyline reason for that, like its being retold, debriefed or what have you - no clue. Maybe an emotionless computer is telling it. Maybe its the style you were going for. Sheesh.
Away from maybes, that 'battle scene' has the air of a slide-projector presentation - like a frame by frame explanation for pictures in <b>your</b> mind. Thats a small problem - storytelling works the other way around. You have to provided us the material to craft the pictures, and we'll do the play by play.
No matter what, don't be disheartened by a bit of criticism. Despite popular belief, critics try to point out ways to improve on your art and not give up on it. And they can only provide pointers towards tastes they personally understand or have experienced - so maybe you're just a way better writer than I'm a critic. Who you listen to is still up to you, even if I can make up big words and sound important <!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif' /><!--endemo-->
It turned its torso ninety degrees and then moved itself around to circle the attacker. It fired off a salvo of rockets that impaled the shoulder area of the attacking Ukrainian. The medium Vector was moved off balance and swayed to keep itself aloft. The heavy Vector rammed it with a laser blast to the torso, and the Ukrainian attacker Vector fell into the snow. The other medium Vector, seeing his comrade fall from weapons fire, ran into a ramming pace and then hit the front end of the heavy Vector. Paul looked out and tried to observe if it had successfully impaled the pilot in the cockpit, and noticed that the medium Ukrainian had just barely missed the cockpit by a few feet.
The heavy Vector shifted it torso to get the small mech off, shaking back and forth. The medium Vector shifted its balance and moved backwards. The heavy backed off and set off covering fire as it retreated to a safer location. The medium Ukrainian Vector also turned to retreat, and broke off into a running pace back to its ranks... <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
It's true.
War isn't pretty.
What about this? This is how I interpret the cover design.
<img src='http://www.flagmandesign.com/images/salvation.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image' />
<span style='font-size:14pt;line-height:100%'>RICHEY</span>
There we go. Other than that its VERY nice. We need a bit more on the cover though... at least I think so...
As for the battle scene, like I said, its an excerpt from the bigger picture. If I had included the REST of the story you would understand. I'll post a URL to it later.
<img src='http://www.flagmandesign.com/images/salvation2.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image' />
What's the grade on your story?
Is that a robot talking?
Your story could have a lot of potential. Although it doesn't exactly appeal to my senses, I think it could be brushed up, polished, and served to be read by people.
First things first, one of the main pieces of debris that caught my eye were the so many sentences that started with the word "the." Please refrain from using to many of these lifeless words; why not start off a sentence with a surprise-a burst of creative energy? Instead of describing a sequence of events (unless that is what you had in plan), why not leave the reader in suspense, and in wonder of what could possibly happen in the next second.
Metaphors, Hyperbole, Similies, and Imagery, are but few tools great writers impliment in their crafted novels.
Anyways, good luck on your story.
EDIT:
btw, how long have you spent on this?