A man was walking down the street and saw an Eskimo looking at his car tire. So the man said, “You blow a seal?” And the Eskimo responded “No. That''s just frost on my mustache.”
These three men come across a woman in a wheel chair crying while on a cruise. "Whats the matter ?" Asks one of them. "I've never been hugged before." She cries, the man hugs her and leaves but she still crys. "Whats wrong?" Asks another man. "I've never been kissed before." She says, the man kisses her and leaves but she still cries. "Whats wrong?" Asks the final man. "I've never been fecked before." She says, the man picks her up and throws her ovver board. "You are now!" He shouts.
A single woman puts a advert in a news paper looking for a partner, someone who won't beat her, run away with someone else and good in bed. One day the door bell rings and there is a armless and legless man outside the door. "Hi, i'm here for the advert in the paper." He says to her. "I don't think you will be any good im afraid." She replys to him. "Sure i am! I have no arms to abuse you with and no legs to run away with someone else." He says. "And what makes you think your good in bed?" She asks him. "I rang the door bell didn't i?" He says whiel smiling.
A man was driving his car and came to a crossing. He looked to the right and saw a Swede coming with a bike. Then the man looked left and noone came from there, either.
A man goes down to a bar for a few drinks with his mates. He gets quite **** up and decides to go home. He stumbles home, and cus hes been drinking alot he feels really horny.
He gets in, walks in the bedroom, and sees these 2 knees sticking out of his bed. 'Yeah get stuck in he thinks' so he jumps in and starts licking out her ****. About half an hour later he comes up and whipes his mouth. Cus hes drunk he really needs a wee so he goes. He gets in the bathroom and sees his wife sitting on the toilet.
A doctor goes to a bar and meets up with this women. They start chatting an finds out that shes a doctor to. They get on really well and he asks her if she wants to come back to his place for a night of fun - no strings attached. She agrees and they both go back to his place. They get in, he goes into the bedroom and she goes into the bathroom. She starts scrubbing up for about 10 minutes and then comes into the bedroom and they get it on. About half an hour later and there finished.
The guy says 'your a surgeon arnt you?' She says 'yeah how could you tell?' he says 'I could tell by the way you were srubbing up'
The women says 'Your an anaesthetist arnt you?' hes says 'Yeah! how did you know?' shes says 'because I couldnt feel a thing!'
Jesus was nailed up on the cross. The crowds were all around him. From on the cross Jesus cries out "John..."
John, hearing this, rushes up to his Lord. Before he can get close a Centurion grabs him and cuts off his right foot and throws him back in the crowd.
Again Jesus cries out "John..."
John again fights his way throughout the crowd. The Centurion grabs him and cuts off his left foot and throws him back.
Jesus cries out yet again "John..."
John drags himself through the crowd with his hands only to meet the same Centurion who cuts of his right hand and throws him back into the crowd.
"John..."
John manages to crawl through the crowd pulling himself along the ground by his left and manages to sneak past the Centurion this time. He drags himself over to the cross and looks up at his Master and says "I am here my Lord. What is it?"
Jesus says "John... I can see your house from up here."
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle, "Well.....?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...!'."
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread. (cotton/polyester blend) He also tends to curse and blaspheme alot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
LikuI, am the Somberlain.Join Date: 2003-01-10Member: 12128Members
<!--QuoteBegin-frostymoose+Apr 23 2004, 03:16 PM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> (frostymoose @ Apr 23 2004, 03:16 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--> Jesus says "John... I can see your house from up here." <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd--> LMAO!
Two nuns are driving down a deserted road in the desert. They stop at the stop sign in an intersection, but just before they go again a tiny vampire bat jumps from the ground and grabs onto the windshield. It begins to bite and scratch at the glass. The passenger nun goes "Quick floor it! maybe he will fall off" So the nun that is driving puts the pedal to the metal but the bat still holds on and continues to bite at the window. Again the passenger nun says "Try the windsheild wipers, they should knock him off!" The driving nun switches on the windshield wipers which whack the bat back and worth with smacking sounds but the bugger manages to hold on. The passenger nun thinks of somthing else "Try the windshield fluid, I filled it up with holy water at the last gas station! So again the driving nun follows the idea and hits the wiper spray button, the water sprays onto the bat which is followed by horrible sizzling and bubbling sounds. The bat looks dazed but still holds on and keeps hitting the window. The driving nun this time gets and idea "Quick, show him your cross!" The passsenger nun misinterpreting the command rolls down her window and sticks her head out and yells "GET THE **** OFF OF OUR CAR!!!!"
Two midgets travel to a convent and knock on the door. The head nun answers the door and asks if she can help the two midgets. The first midget asks "Sister, do you have any nuns our size in your convent?"
The nun, a little puzzled, replies "no, we don't." "Are you sure?" asks the first midget again. The nun replies "Yes, I know all of the nuns in this convent and they are all regular height."
The first midget then says "well, then I guess I'll travel on down the road. There's another convent there, I'll see if they have any nuns our size". The nun then says "Well, I know all the sisters in all of the convents in this entire area, and we don't have any nuns that are little people."
The first midget, looking a little disappointed, says one last time "Are you absolutely sure you don't have any nuns my size anywhere in this area?" "No, I'm afraid not" says the nun. The two midgets thank the nun for her time and then leave.
While walking down the road, the second midget turns to the first and says "You see Larry, I told you you were dating a penguin..."
A father and a son went hunting together for the first time, and so the father was telling his son what to do. "The most important thing is to keep real quiet." said the father, "You don't want to scare the animals away." The father goes down a ways from his son about 70 feet or so and pretty soon he hears this blood curdling scream.
The father runs back to find his boy standing in the same spot he left him, so he asks the boy "Boy, I thought I told you you had to be quiet to hunt?"
The boy looks at his father and says "I'm sorry Pa, I tried. When I realized I was waist-deep in Poison Ivy, I didn't even try to scratch. When a woodland spider jumped from the tree onto my head, I didn't even make a peep. When that bee stung me, it sure hurt, but I didn't say a word. And when the black bear came and was sniffing me, I didn't make a sound."
The father, puzzled at what could have happened to the boy, said "well what in tarnation made you scream so loud for?"
The boy replies "well pa, when the two squirrels ran up my trousers and asked each other whether to eat here or carry them home, I just lost it!"
This is really un-funny, but explains the difference between a mathematician and an engineer.
A company with a hiring slot narrowed down the applicants to a mathematician and an engineer. As a final test, they put each in a room with a burning waste basket and an empty bucket. Both immediatly grabed the bucket and ran to the sink, filling it with water and putting the fire out.
Next, they were posed the same senario, except the bucket was already filled with water. The engineer quickly picked up the full bucket and put the fire out. The mathematician, however, hesitated, staring for a long second at the fire. Then, as though a light came on in his head, he knew what to do. He took the bucket and dumped out out on the floor, returning to the sink while saying "Thus the problem is reduced to the last equation, which I know how to solve."
Two pretzels were walking down the street, one was assaulted (say it out loud)
A man walks into a store. He walks up to the clerk and asks, "Do you have any sausage?" The clerk says, "What are you, Polish?" Angered, the man says, "What? Just cause I ask for sausage, that makes me Polish? What if I asked for rice? Would I be Chinese? If I asked for a burrito? Would I be Mexican?" "No sir, this is a Home Depot."
<!--QuoteBegin-drummerman109+Apr 25 2004, 10:22 AM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> (drummerman109 @ Apr 25 2004, 10:22 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--> Two pretzels were walking down the street, one was assaulted (say it out loud) <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd--> I dont get it <!--emo&???--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/confused.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='confused.gif' /><!--endemo-->
Zig...I am Captain Planet!Join Date: 2002-10-23Member: 1576Members
yo mama so stinky she makes speed stick slow down :o
yo mama so fat people swerve to miss her in the street and run out of gas :o
yo mama so nasty she brings the crabs to the beach.
yo mama so nasty the fish market asks her to leave :o
yo mama so ugly you can press her face into dough to make gorilla cookies :o
yo mama so ugly the kids pin tails on her at parties :O
yo mama so fat she bent over and got jailed for possession of CRACK!! <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif' /><!--endemo-->
Comments
0 'Shut up and eat your corn flakes.'
- 'Mummy Mummy, why are we pushing this car off this cliff?'
0 'Shut up or you will wake Daddy up.'
- 'Mummy Mummy, can i have some cookies?'
0 'Sure, top shelf of the cuboard.'
- 'But i don't have any arms mummy.'
0 'No arms, no cookies.'
So the man said, “You blow a seal?”
And the Eskimo responded “No. That''s just frost on my mustache.”
How do ya screw a paraplegic?
throw them overboard.......
<!--emo&::marine::--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/marine.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='marine.gif' /><!--endemo-->
"Whats the matter ?" Asks one of them.
"I've never been hugged before." She cries, the man hugs her and leaves but she still crys.
"Whats wrong?" Asks another man.
"I've never been kissed before." She says, the man kisses her and leaves but she still cries.
"Whats wrong?" Asks the final man.
"I've never been fecked before." She says, the man picks her up and throws her ovver board.
"You are now!" He shouts.
A single woman puts a advert in a news paper looking for a partner, someone who won't beat her, run away with someone else and good in bed. One day the door bell rings and there is a armless and legless man outside the door.
"Hi, i'm here for the advert in the paper." He says to her.
"I don't think you will be any good im afraid." She replys to him.
"Sure i am! I have no arms to abuse you with and no legs to run away with someone else." He says.
"And what makes you think your good in bed?" She asks him.
"I rang the door bell didn't i?" He says whiel smiling.
Did you think that was funneh?
A man goes down to a bar for a few drinks with his mates. He gets quite **** up and decides to go home. He stumbles home, and cus hes been drinking alot he feels really horny.
He gets in, walks in the bedroom, and sees these 2 knees sticking out of his bed. 'Yeah get stuck in he thinks' so he jumps in and starts licking out her ****. About half an hour later he comes up and whipes his mouth. Cus hes drunk he really needs a wee so he goes. He gets in the bathroom and sees his wife sitting on the toilet.
'O ****!!!!' he shouts
his wife says 'shhhhh, dont wake your mother up'
<!--emo&???--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/confused.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='confused.gif' /><!--endemo-->
Why do Iraqi women shave the ****?
Cus they dont like bush!
<!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif' /><!--endemo-->
A doctor goes to a bar and meets up with this women. They start chatting an finds out that shes a doctor to. They get on really well and he asks her if she wants to come back to his place for a night of fun - no strings attached. She agrees and they both go back to his place. They get in, he goes into the bedroom and she goes into the bathroom. She starts scrubbing up for about 10 minutes and then comes into the bedroom and they get it on. About half an hour later and there finished.
The guy says 'your a surgeon arnt you?'
She says 'yeah how could you tell?'
he says 'I could tell by the way you were srubbing up'
The women says 'Your an anaesthetist arnt you?'
hes says 'Yeah! how did you know?'
shes says 'because I couldnt feel a thing!'
<!--emo&:0--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/wow.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='wow.gif' /><!--endemo-->
John, hearing this, rushes up to his Lord. Before he can get close a Centurion grabs him and cuts off his right foot and throws him back in the crowd.
Again Jesus cries out "John..."
John again fights his way throughout the crowd. The Centurion grabs him and cuts off his left foot and throws him back.
Jesus cries out yet again "John..."
John drags himself through the crowd with his hands only to meet the same Centurion who cuts of his right hand and throws him back into the crowd.
"John..."
John manages to crawl through the crowd pulling himself along the ground by his left and manages to sneak past the Centurion this time. He drags himself over to the cross and looks up at his Master and says "I am here my Lord. What is it?"
Jesus says "John... I can see your house from up here."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle, "Well.....?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...!'."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread. (cotton/polyester blend) He also tends to curse and blaspheme alot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.
LMAO!
They stop at the stop sign in an intersection, but just before they go again a tiny vampire bat jumps from the ground and grabs onto the windshield. It begins to bite and scratch at the glass.
The passenger nun goes "Quick floor it! maybe he will fall off"
So the nun that is driving puts the pedal to the metal but the bat still holds on and continues to bite at the window.
Again the passenger nun says "Try the windsheild wipers, they should knock him off!"
The driving nun switches on the windshield wipers which whack the bat back and worth with smacking sounds but the bugger manages to hold on.
The passenger nun thinks of somthing else "Try the windshield fluid, I filled it up with holy water at the last gas station!
So again the driving nun follows the idea and hits the wiper spray button, the water sprays onto the bat which is followed by horrible sizzling and bubbling sounds. The bat looks dazed but still holds on and keeps hitting the window.
The driving nun this time gets and idea "Quick, show him your cross!"
The passsenger nun misinterpreting the command rolls down her window and sticks her head out and yells "GET THE **** OFF OF OUR CAR!!!!"
Heh.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two midgets travel to a convent and knock on the door. The head nun answers the door and asks if she can help the two midgets. The first midget asks "Sister, do you have any nuns our size in your convent?"
The nun, a little puzzled, replies "no, we don't." "Are you sure?" asks the first midget again. The nun replies "Yes, I know all of the nuns in this convent and they are all regular height."
The first midget then says "well, then I guess I'll travel on down the road. There's another convent there, I'll see if they have any nuns our size". The nun then says "Well, I know all the sisters in all of the convents in this entire area, and we don't have any nuns that are little people."
The first midget, looking a little disappointed, says one last time "Are you absolutely sure you don't have any nuns my size anywhere in this area?" "No, I'm afraid not" says the nun. The two midgets thank the nun for her time and then leave.
While walking down the road, the second midget turns to the first and says "You see Larry, I told you you were dating a penguin..."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A father and a son went hunting together for the first time, and so the father was telling his son what to do. "The most important thing is to keep real quiet." said the father, "You don't want to scare the animals away." The father goes down a ways from his son about 70 feet or so and pretty soon he hears this blood curdling scream.
The father runs back to find his boy standing in the same spot he left him, so he asks the boy "Boy, I thought I told you you had to be quiet to hunt?"
The boy looks at his father and says "I'm sorry Pa, I tried. When I realized I was waist-deep in Poison Ivy, I didn't even try to scratch. When a woodland spider jumped from the tree onto my head, I didn't even make a peep. When that bee stung me, it sure hurt, but I didn't say a word. And when the black bear came and was sniffing me, I didn't make a sound."
The father, puzzled at what could have happened to the boy, said "well what in tarnation made you scream so loud for?"
The boy replies "well pa, when the two squirrels ran up my trousers and asked each other whether to eat here or carry them home, I just lost it!"
A company with a hiring slot narrowed down the applicants to a mathematician and an engineer. As a final test, they put each in a room with a burning waste basket and an empty bucket. Both immediatly grabed the bucket and ran to the sink, filling it with water and putting the fire out.
Next, they were posed the same senario, except the bucket was already filled with water. The engineer quickly picked up the full bucket and put the fire out. The mathematician, however, hesitated, staring for a long second at the fire. Then, as though a light came on in his head, he knew what to do. He took the bucket and dumped out out on the floor, returning to the sink while saying "Thus the problem is reduced to the last equation, which I know how to solve."
depends how thin you slice 'em
Duh, a stick!
Two pretzels were walking down the street, one was assaulted (say it out loud)
A man walks into a store. He walks up to the clerk and asks, "Do you have any sausage?"
The clerk says, "What are you, Polish?"
Angered, the man says, "What? Just cause I ask for sausage, that makes me Polish? What if I asked for rice? Would I be Chinese? If I asked for a burrito? Would I be Mexican?"
"No sir, this is a Home Depot."
-HAHAHAHAHA, funny as hell!!!
What's red, white, and screams?
A pealed baby in salt
What's worse than 10 dead babies in a garbage can?
One dead baby in 10 garbage cans
I dont get it <!--emo&???--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/confused.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='confused.gif' /><!--endemo-->
The girl, with tears in her eyes, says "my friends say that you're a pedophile, and that I should leave you."
The man replies, "Pedophile? That's an awfully big word for a 12 year old."
stopping it with a shovel
yo mama so fat people swerve to miss her in the street and run out of gas :o
yo mama so nasty she brings the crabs to the beach.
yo mama so nasty the fish market asks her to leave :o
yo mama so ugly you can press her face into dough to make gorilla cookies :o
yo mama so ugly the kids pin tails on her at parties :O
yo mama so fat she bent over and got jailed for possession of CRACK!! <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif' /><!--endemo-->
<span style='color:red'>***Locked.***</span>