Cutting Off A Friendship - Dilemma
StormLiong
Join Date: 2002-12-27 Member: 11569Members
Join Date: 2002-12-27 Member: 11569Members
<div class="IPBDescription">thoughts anyone?</div> Ok with all the women rant goin on, I guess this would be a bad time to express a gal dilemma I have. So I'll (try to - still cant figure out how) put it invisible to save people the angst <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif' /><!--endemo-->
<span style='color:blue'>I think most guys go through it, just that I have a hard time accepting the action that I got to take.
To try to keep it short, there is girl in my class that I had a really big liking to. We became close friends through your normal class socialising stuff (ie helping with work, chatting in class etc etc).
Then i did a stupid thing. It was like 3 months after we met (as in class begun) round X'mas time and I blurted out that I liked her. And ONLINE on top of that. (I prefered the personal approach)
Now at the time, another guy friend of hers had also confessed to her and she was having hard time dealing with it cos he was quite an old friend and all. So when I said that to her to it must her got her fed up. Well lets just say she didnt talk to me for a whole month eventhough I tried contacting her to explain and apologize during taht whoile time but all came to deaf ears.
Anyways, this was a year ago. In the end, everything went ok. Now me and her are some what good friends. I really helped her alot more like a sister.
Our relationship can be called close uni friends. We hang together in class etc. Whenever someone wanted to look for her, they go to me to ask where is she. That's how close people think we are.
When it came to matters outside uni though, well it was hard trying to ask her out on lunch or that sort of thing. There were a few occassion where we hang out but I think she was forcing herself too just so that she did not feel guilty (cos I was helping her lots) and so that she didn't feel rude. There are many reason why maybe I cant hang out with her outside the context of uni/help but we won't go into that now.
I still have feelings for her though during this whole time. I think she knows it but doesn't want to go into it. I dunno why, i can't move on for a reason. Everytime I see her, help her or even speak to her online my feeling go stronger for her.
Now the most obvios action to take is to "cut" her off as such, as I feel I can def move one by that. Until I am sure I have really moved on. Yet I feel its just not right because there have been some stuff Im helping her that she would be totally lost if I wasnt there. Could she ask someone else? Doubt it, well she cud but she's really shy to ask for help.
But the main reason I can't take this course of action is because it isnt her fault as such and its losing a good friendship. Losing a friendship I think its a huge loss. And she is really a cool friend. Be such a loss. </span>
Hope no one thinks this is not teen angst as such (as i think the mods here really hate it...hehe).
I have been in relationships b4. Just this one for sum reason I got a prob. I've talked to a few frens about it and most say if I really cannot move on, I should jsut cut her off or liek one said "committ suicidal frienship, that way you wont feel guilty"
Any thoughts?
<span style='color:blue'>I think most guys go through it, just that I have a hard time accepting the action that I got to take.
To try to keep it short, there is girl in my class that I had a really big liking to. We became close friends through your normal class socialising stuff (ie helping with work, chatting in class etc etc).
Then i did a stupid thing. It was like 3 months after we met (as in class begun) round X'mas time and I blurted out that I liked her. And ONLINE on top of that. (I prefered the personal approach)
Now at the time, another guy friend of hers had also confessed to her and she was having hard time dealing with it cos he was quite an old friend and all. So when I said that to her to it must her got her fed up. Well lets just say she didnt talk to me for a whole month eventhough I tried contacting her to explain and apologize during taht whoile time but all came to deaf ears.
Anyways, this was a year ago. In the end, everything went ok. Now me and her are some what good friends. I really helped her alot more like a sister.
Our relationship can be called close uni friends. We hang together in class etc. Whenever someone wanted to look for her, they go to me to ask where is she. That's how close people think we are.
When it came to matters outside uni though, well it was hard trying to ask her out on lunch or that sort of thing. There were a few occassion where we hang out but I think she was forcing herself too just so that she did not feel guilty (cos I was helping her lots) and so that she didn't feel rude. There are many reason why maybe I cant hang out with her outside the context of uni/help but we won't go into that now.
I still have feelings for her though during this whole time. I think she knows it but doesn't want to go into it. I dunno why, i can't move on for a reason. Everytime I see her, help her or even speak to her online my feeling go stronger for her.
Now the most obvios action to take is to "cut" her off as such, as I feel I can def move one by that. Until I am sure I have really moved on. Yet I feel its just not right because there have been some stuff Im helping her that she would be totally lost if I wasnt there. Could she ask someone else? Doubt it, well she cud but she's really shy to ask for help.
But the main reason I can't take this course of action is because it isnt her fault as such and its losing a good friendship. Losing a friendship I think its a huge loss. And she is really a cool friend. Be such a loss. </span>
Hope no one thinks this is not teen angst as such (as i think the mods here really hate it...hehe).
I have been in relationships b4. Just this one for sum reason I got a prob. I've talked to a few frens about it and most say if I really cannot move on, I should jsut cut her off or liek one said "committ suicidal frienship, that way you wont feel guilty"
Any thoughts?
Comments
If you want to know what to do, be straightforward with her. Tell her you have feelings for her, but you also understand maybe she doesn't want to get into a relationship wth you yet or at all. If she has feelings for you to, even if she acts upset, she will come back to you. Otherwise, if she decides to end the friendship, this is what you would have done anyway, right?
Best course of action is to be honest.
As for how to end your friendship if you choose to, you can simple tell her this and then leave, considering her reaction to what happened when you first confessed to her I doubt she would have much problem with that.
OR you could always go out and find another girl. I have been in this situation before, and just going out and finding someone else (or even the act of trying to find someone else) can really be a HUGE help.
the girl im with now... has been my best friend for ages... same scenario...with people asking where she was etc.. we know everything about each other.
she was with another friend of mine.. and i was with another girl. when this other girl cheated on me.. she was there to like talk me thru it.. and even encouraged me to get back with the other girl... on more then one occasion. i liked em since day 1. but honest to god.. i always thought of her as out of my league... i mean i tried hinting occasionally like ' oh i had a dream about you last night' that kinda thing.. and she would just kinda shy off.. and so i assumed yeah she didnt want me..
then after me and my ex had a large fight me and em started reminiscing about the old days of the kazaa lite chatrooms (im owner and she is SOP) and i just blurted out.. i figured.. well im stuck with crystal (the exx) so why not let her know now.. just to clear it out..
me: ya know, i fancied you since the day i met you, just never had the balls to act on it.. thought you didnt like me back..
her : heh, i fancied you since day 1 too...
then it went silent for a few mins.. and we had a tough couple of days.. its like all those feelings came rushing back... and then i broke up with crystal, she was on drugs and cheating on me.. i shouldnt have put up with it. but i did :s
then in the evening.. i was chatting to em, not with her.. just chatting.. and like.. she was talking about how it would hurt razz to break up with him.. and yeah.. i got a huge guilt wave.. i couldnt hurt razz like this me and him were the founders of klchat kinda thing.. like brothers.. and i freaked right out.. and honest to god, the next thing i remember..
i heard her voice on the fone.. and like yeah... she got REALLY scared that it was me ringing to say i cant do this. but no.. the words which came out were ' em, im head over heels in love with you' and it felt so right... so pure.. it was awesome.
and yeah... sorry its long.. in short tho.. thats the story of how it can be very very bad to cover up feelings... i nearly lost my babygurl and i havent been happier then since we got together... i mean that from the bottom of my heart dude.
you may lose her as a friend.. but you wont be wondering what if. dont cut her off. just lay it out.. tell her.. youve been not mentioning it.. how do you know she doesnt feel the EXACT same way you do.. DONT walk away dude <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif' /><!--endemo-->
Thanks for that story. I appreciate loads. It does sound rite that I shoudl tell her.
BUt then there are 2 main points:
1. I've already confessed to her before (albeitly too early perhaps). Its like as if i used the trump card to end it all too early, now I cant use it anymore. Telling her again its like being a parrot I think.
2. I am definitely sure that she does not have the same feelings for me mainly because she already told me this when i first confessed to her (a year ago). Also I've been hearing she's been going after a guy lately also. And before she was after another guy (though that one rejected her).
3. Not to mention that any time I ask her out socially (lunch etc) she always have an excuse of being bz, got another appt, or got no money tht sort of thing. Albeitly it cud be bcos Im like asking her out alone.
Ok, mayb I am just avoiding the fact that maybe I dun really know for sure. BUt one the other hand I am very sure she doesnt wan to be in relationship with me.
you will wonder what if. and no matter what you will wonder what if.
friendships mature. and grow..
you say she has been making excuses.. how do you know they arent genuine reasons? i mean... on the other women thread it says how we are simple.. guys arent simple we read alot more into things too...
if youve confessed b4... that was then. over a year ago you said. alot can happen in 365 days.
'Ok, mayb I am just avoiding the fact that maybe I dun really know for sure.'
know for sure. tell her. its the only way you will know.. if you get the wrong answer.. then yeah... tell her.. well we need to be apart for me to get over you.
i wont lie.. if she is as gooda friend as you say.. then you stand to lose alot. but gamble high.. win big imo.
if you wanna talk to me im always on msn <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif' /><!--endemo--> well.. usually..
<!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif' /><!--endemo-->
yeah, I think saying, "I'm having a hard time staying friends with you because I still like you, and since you don't like me back I think we should stop talking for a while to give me a chance to recover."
it would be a win/win situation: best case scenario, she says she actually does like you too... you said that scenario's not likely though, but it's a possibility. worst case, you two stop talking -- which was your goal in the first place.
one of my best friends was in what seemed to be exactly your situation. He had a huge crush on this girl who he was really cclose friends with for about 2 years, maybe 3. She would constantly use him for help, and even fool around with him sexually and then go cold again, which REALLY toyed with his mind. She ALWAYS knew he was smitten with her, and she stringed him along, because she liked the attention. It took him a long, long time to finally get up the balls to tell her off and say he can't talk to her anymore...
If you want to know what to do, be straightforward with her. Tell her you have feelings for her, but you also understand maybe she doesn't want to get into a relationship wth you yet or at all. If she has feelings for you to, even if she acts upset, she will come back to you. Otherwise, if she decides to end the friendship, this is what you would have done anyway, right?
Best course of action is to be honest. <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
Nah, thats not true. I had a really similar thing happen to me and I was tired of the mind games and told her never to speak to me again.
I believe she is now pregnant and addicted to 2 types of drugs.
I guess now its the timing that needs to be sorted out. Right now well she is workin at my work place too (i got her a job there) and classes are still going on. I guess I could tell her after classes are ova (End of May). Just hope I can last that long. Then i got to worry about next semester cos it will be that odd silence tht will be indefinite for sure.
Still then I worry about HOW to tell her.
Email = well be easiest way and its like so sappy. Still better than telling her online because I wan to say it all out so that she fully understands. I dun wan to say a bit n she misinterprets. And plus saying it all in one chat is LONG. Mite as well put it in a neat email for her to read.
Face2Face = I really prefer this because I am actually facing it on. But then its that I think I am gonna put huge pressure on her and I might be asking too much.
Written Letter? = LOL. That woudl be SOOOO lame. And she is the type of girl that hates cheesiness. Shes ur kickass, tomboyish kinda gal
Just hope I can last till the time comes to tell.
I guess now its the timing that needs to be sorted out. Right now well she is workin at my work place too (i got her a job there) and classes are still going on. I guess I could tell her after classes are ova (End of May). Just hope I can last that long. Then i got to worry about next semester cos it will be that odd silence tht will be indefinite for sure.
Still then I worry about HOW to tell her.
Email = well be easiest way and its like so sappy. Still better than telling her online because I wan to say it all out so that she fully understands. I dun wan to say a bit n she misinterprets. And plus saying it all in one chat is LONG. Mite as well put it in a neat email for her to read.
Face2Face = I really prefer this because I am actually facing it on. But then its that I think I am gonna put huge pressure on her and I might be asking too much.
Written Letter? = LOL. That woudl be SOOOO lame. And she is the type of girl that hates cheesiness. Shes ur kickass, tomboyish kinda gal
Just hope I can last till the time comes to tell. <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
mine is a tom boy too its awesome.. i just got her into morrowind ! <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif' /><!--endemo-->
woot for my gaming bunny rabbit (yes ok ok i have a pet name for her! im puppy.. <!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif' /><!--endemo--> )
Face2Face = I really prefer this because I am actually facing it on. But then its that I think I am gonna put huge pressure on her and I might be asking too much.
Written Letter? = LOL. That woudl be SOOOO lame. And she is the type of girl that hates cheesiness. Shes ur kickass, tomboyish kinda gal <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
Linkage = give her the <a href='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=66825' target='_blank'>linky</a> to this very topic.
And no, I'm not being sarcastic either. Just about everyone here who's read this topic has a pretty good understanding of the situation, so surely <i>she</i> will know if she reads through this very topic.
Well good point. Though the other hand, she cud get REALLY **** off that the whole net now knows about it. Hehehe.
Also, I am pretty sure she knows I still like her. I mean it has got to be SOOO obvious to her. When you are willing to stay up all night helping her wif sumthin or willing to do her workshift for her.
So sumtimes I am confused why she still stays as a friend with me. One the extreme end she cud be using me. On the other end (which is most likely) she doesnt wan to go through the whole crap again and closes one eye to it to not spoil the friendship.
Hmmm, also a good point. Hehe. <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif' /><!--endemo-->
<!--QuoteBegin--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin-->On the other end (which is most likely) she doesnt wan to go through the whole crap again and closes one eye to it to not spoil the friendship.<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
I actually know first-hand what this route is like. Sort of the same thing occurred with me and a friend (?) of mine up until a few months ago.
Me and her were friends, then really close friends, then borderline serious, then she walked away and never spoke to me for maybe six months. Then we were friends again, then really close friends again, and just recently she walked away. Again.
This time I'll just let it run on as-is instead of trying to make things better between me and her. It was way too confusing, frustrating, and painful to go through the first time, and I'm hardly about to let her affect me that way again.
I still consider her my best friend and I'll always be there for her, but I'm not being the one doing all the legwork to get things better only if she'll just walk away again.
"This kind of **** really eats up a guy"
I do have a gauge to know when I would be really over her. When she gets a bf and I am ok wif it then I am def over her. Right now, if she ever had a bf, I would just be totally down/devasted/sux0rs.