Now you can play NS2 as a text-based adventure game

SquishpokePOOPFACESquishpokePOOPFACE -21,248 posts (ignore below) Join Date: 2012-10-31 Member: 165262Members, Reinforced - Shadow
edited March 2020 in NS2 General Discussion
Shocking realism.

A text-based adventure AI has used machine learning to render a match in full, painstaking detail. What follows is an exact game log played by yours truly.

There is literally no point in developing NS2 as we know it any further.

The AI has proved that all future attempts of playing a simple match of NS2 is now a foregone conclusion.

You are a Natural Selection 2 player, playing an online match against the Kharra. You spawn in as a basic frontiersman on the map Summit. The commander asks you to build RTs. "What's that?" you ask. "It's a turret."

The commander tells you to build them and then sends you back out into the field to do it. You start building them, but soon realize they're not going to be enough.

> Notify the Commander that you must build Resource Towers, not Turrets.

"I'm sorry sir, I can't do that," you say.

The commander sighs and looks at his watch. "We have a meeting with the Syndicate tomorrow morning. We need to get this done by then." He turns away from you and walks off down the road.

> Get in the Command Station and take over his duties

You stand up and walk towards the door of the command station. "Sir? Can we talk about something else?"

The commander smiles. "Of course, what is it?"

> "Leave the Command Station or we will vote to eject you from the chair. You are an incompetent Commander and I must take over."

The commander frowns. " won't leave me alone!"

You smile. "No, no, I don't think so sir. But if you want us to vote for you to stay in charge..."

> Vote to eject the Commander and wait for the other players to finish voting

You all sit around the table waiting for the others to finish voting. It takes awhile, but eventually you see the commander slowly walking towards you. His face is red and he has a scowl on his face.

"So, what did you have to say?" he says angrily.

> "Look at me. I am the Commander now. Now go away and build some Resource Towers before the aliens attack us."

He looks at you and grins. "Goodbye, my friend." He leaves the room and you hear him slam the door shut behind him.

> Place blueprint for Arms Lab to be built so I can begin research on Armor 1

You put the blueprint for the Arms Lab on top of your list. You head back to the Armory where you find that everyone has finished their work. Everyone except for one person who sits at a computer typing away.

"Hello?" you call out.

> Tell the fuckwit to get to the front lines and protect our Resource Towers. Begin research on Armor 1

He looks up from his keyboard and looks at you. "Yes?" he asks.
"Tell the rest of these people to get to the frontlines and defend our Resource Towers."
"Why would I do such a thing?


They'll just die trying."
"They might not die, but they'll suffer greatly in return! Just look at how many Resource Towers were destroyed today!"
"Well, yes, but why would I care?"

> Vote to reset the game if it's not too late

You decide to give them another chance. You have a few more votes and the fuckwits start leaving. The rest of the players are still here though, so you try again.

> Order the remaining players to protect Crossroads while I research Phase Technology

You order the remaining players to protect Crossroads and then head off into the jungle. You quickly discover that there are several groups of alien hunters patrolling this area. They're much better equipped than you thought, but you manage to keep them busy long enough for your research to complete.

> Get back in the Command Station

You enter the Command Station and immediately realize that you've made a mistake. There are two consoles with green lights on them. One is labeled 'Research' and the other is labeled 'Armory'.

"What the hell, I'm supposed to be building armor for this situation!"

> Begin research on Armor 2

You continue to study the console as you think about what you should do next. You could...

The Alien Hunters arrive at the location where you left your car.

> Get out of the Command Station and shoot them

You run over to the Command Station and grab a shotgun. You aim it at the nearest hunter and pull the trigger. It doesn't take long before you see its face explode into bloody pieces.

> Kill the other one

You follow up by shooting the second one and watching it fall backwards onto its ass. You then turn around and fire a shot into the ground which causes a large crater.

> Notify my underlings that there is a gap in their defenses and order them to close it.

You quickly go over to the command station and begin ordering your underlings to close the gap. After some time passes, you hear someone say:
"Hey, we need to get out of here!"
"Yeah, well let me know when you're ready.


We don't want to stay here."
"We can't wait? What the hell happened?"
"I think we're going to have to leave soon, because those things aren't getting any closer."
"Just trust me. Let's get out of here.

> " Ignore their pleas and order them to hold position in Crossroads. Never give up, never surrender

"No, they're not listening. We can't just sit here and die like sheep. We need to get out of here."
"Well, if we don't move now, we'll all be dead within the hour.

> " Tell them to stop being little bitches and hold position. Then drop a phase gate for them to build.

"Alright, alright! Just shut up and get us out of here!"
"But we won't be able to do that. The aliens will just use our position against us.

> " Tell them to shut the fuck up and build the phase gate.

"Shut the fuck up and build the gate! Now!"
"Fine, fine. But we're not leaving until we get to the portal."
"Good luck with that."

You walk away from the Command Station while holding your shotgun in hand.

> Pull up the map and study the battlefield

You pull up the map on your phone and start studying the battlefield. Your team has taken heavy losses, but you are confident that you can still win this battle.

As you look at the map, you notice something strange.

> "New Hive spotted in Atrium. Form up and launch an attack upon it!"

"Attack! Attack! Attack!"
"What?! They've got more than two hundred of those things?!"
"They're fucking hive minders. I saw them myself. They're probably hiding in every damn room of the building."
"How did they even get inside?

> " Ignore their inane babbling and begin research on Weapons 2

"We need to find weapons to take down those things."
"Weapons 2? That's what they were made for right?"
"Yes, but...but we don't have any of those either. We're going to have to make do with whatever we can find in the lab."

> "Upgrade Armory to Advanced Armory

"We need to upgrade the armory so we can better defend ourselves. We should also find a way to increase the power levels of our weapons."
"That sounds like something we could easily do. Why don't you head back to the lab and check on that?

> Pull up the tech menu to confirm that yes, Advanced Armory is well on its way.

"Okay, let's go back to the lab."
"Yeah, yeah. See ya there."

You exit the command station and enter the hallway leading to the labs. As you pass by several doors labeled 'Armory' you see a large screen displaying a blue screen of death.


The screens display a large number 1 followed by an exclamation mark.

> What the fuck kind of server mod is this?

"It's a server mod! It allows you to play online games over the internet!"
"No, no, no. This isn't some sort of game. There's nothing to play or download.


It's just a server mod. And if you think it looks cool, then you're absolutely correct in thinking it's a server mod."
"But...but...I want to play online games! I wanna be part of the community! I wanna connect with other people all around the world!

> " vote to kick this dumbass player

"Vote to kick this dumbass player."
"Fuck you!

> Press F1 for Yes

"Oh come on, you know I'm not gonna do anything about it."
"Well I guess you'll just have to do it yourself..."

> "Everybody press F4. This game is fucked.

"Alright everybody, I've had enough of your shit. The game is fucking broken. Fuck you guys."
"What?! What did you do?!"
"Nothing! Nothing at all! Alright, alright, calm down. Calm down. Everybody calm down.

> new game

"New Game?"
"Yeah, New Game. New Game. New Game."
"Wait, are you serious? Are you seriously saying that I can't play anymore?"
"Yes. Yeah."
"...what the hell is going on here!?


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