NS2 Short Teaser Script
SkymanderX
Green Marine - The Few, The Proud, The Green. Join Date: 2011-07-29 Member: 113006Members
Green Marine - The Few, The Proud, The Green. Join Date: 2011-07-29 Member: 113006Members
<div class="IPBDescription">Please be a pessimist</div>For those of you who don't know, and haven't read the e-team forum. This is the short script i've been working on for a small ns2 video. I highly encourage criticism and suggestions. I'm also intrested in comments just about the idea of making a video at all. If you want to read the best quality or truly mark it up and make comments please use the attached file. Thanks!
Natural Selection 2 Teaser script
The scene opens in a newly built marine outpost. The Base is located in Shipping on Tram. Inside the base is infantry portal, an armory, an observatory, a two sentries facing outward towards observation/ tunnels. One is built and the other is unbuilt. Finally there is an un-built Command Station. The camera pans in to the left from back and through the rafters. Three marines in green armor are seen kneeling, building the command station. A fixed camera shows the infantry portal whirling to life which is positioned behind the command station. As soon as the black-armored marine steps out towards the command station, the station is completed and deploys. The marines finish scanning in the command station and turn to see the newest marine walk into the commanding role. He steps onto the platform, turns to look at his soldiers, then activates the command station enclosing himself in it. Suddenly a deep, powerful, but soft voice is heard:
Commander: Butch, head over to logistics with Jimmy, check and see if they have the resource node yet. If it’s there take it out, if not hold and wait for further orders.
Marine 3: I'll hold down the fort!
Butch: As he walks towards logistics, Roger that commander, moving out now. Jimbo, common!
Jimmy falls in behind Butch as the two head towards logistics. The two walk slowly towards the resource node, Jimmy is on guard an scanning, checking his corners but Butch walks casually.
Butch: Relax kid, nothing ever happens around here, if you’re lucky you'll find a hydra or cyst or something.
Jimmy: (nervously, with a stutter) I...I, I just want to be s...s...safe.
Butch: (laughing) relax kid, maybe we'll see something that moves.
The two continue forward past the power node which is activated and see a kharra harvester, Belly sliding up the stairs into the center area is a gorge as the two marines enter from the left side.
Jimmy: Look there it is! Let's take it out quick!
Butch: Shhhhh. Leave that! Let's follow that thing, we'll get him and his hive!
Jimmy: But the commander said hold here and wait for further orders.
Butch: The commander doesn't fight out here, he doesn't know anything. Butch begins to go off after the gorge but Jimmy stays where he is. Fine if you want to stay here alone, suit yourself. At that Jimmy cautiously follows Butch.
The two proceed to tram repair. They follow the frolicking gorge through the corridors. As they enter repair, they look about more cautiously now, Butch is still stalking the gorge religiously but Jimmy has slowed as he enters the room. Butch is up ahead
Jimmy: Butch I don’t think it’s wise to go any further.
As Butch stops in his tracks. The camera is from aimed at his back suddenly an alien "chuckle" is heard. Butch turns around with a look of horror on his face to see an Onos standing were the resource node Is locate as the camera turns with him. The Onos uses the stomps then uses the “gore†ability to kill Butch. The camera shifts to just behind Jimmy. Jimmy is breathing heavily and standing still. Suddenly the commander’s voice is heard through a crackling radio effect
Commander: Butch Jimmy, we’ve been ambushed at base! We can’t hold much longer, get back ASAP!â€
The Onos hears the noise and turns to face Jimmy, the camera lowers to just above ground level and the Onos stomps. The screen goes black and flashes Natural Selection 2 “Only the Strongest Will Surviveâ€
Natural Selection 2 Teaser script
The scene opens in a newly built marine outpost. The Base is located in Shipping on Tram. Inside the base is infantry portal, an armory, an observatory, a two sentries facing outward towards observation/ tunnels. One is built and the other is unbuilt. Finally there is an un-built Command Station. The camera pans in to the left from back and through the rafters. Three marines in green armor are seen kneeling, building the command station. A fixed camera shows the infantry portal whirling to life which is positioned behind the command station. As soon as the black-armored marine steps out towards the command station, the station is completed and deploys. The marines finish scanning in the command station and turn to see the newest marine walk into the commanding role. He steps onto the platform, turns to look at his soldiers, then activates the command station enclosing himself in it. Suddenly a deep, powerful, but soft voice is heard:
Commander: Butch, head over to logistics with Jimmy, check and see if they have the resource node yet. If it’s there take it out, if not hold and wait for further orders.
Marine 3: I'll hold down the fort!
Butch: As he walks towards logistics, Roger that commander, moving out now. Jimbo, common!
Jimmy falls in behind Butch as the two head towards logistics. The two walk slowly towards the resource node, Jimmy is on guard an scanning, checking his corners but Butch walks casually.
Butch: Relax kid, nothing ever happens around here, if you’re lucky you'll find a hydra or cyst or something.
Jimmy: (nervously, with a stutter) I...I, I just want to be s...s...safe.
Butch: (laughing) relax kid, maybe we'll see something that moves.
The two continue forward past the power node which is activated and see a kharra harvester, Belly sliding up the stairs into the center area is a gorge as the two marines enter from the left side.
Jimmy: Look there it is! Let's take it out quick!
Butch: Shhhhh. Leave that! Let's follow that thing, we'll get him and his hive!
Jimmy: But the commander said hold here and wait for further orders.
Butch: The commander doesn't fight out here, he doesn't know anything. Butch begins to go off after the gorge but Jimmy stays where he is. Fine if you want to stay here alone, suit yourself. At that Jimmy cautiously follows Butch.
The two proceed to tram repair. They follow the frolicking gorge through the corridors. As they enter repair, they look about more cautiously now, Butch is still stalking the gorge religiously but Jimmy has slowed as he enters the room. Butch is up ahead
Jimmy: Butch I don’t think it’s wise to go any further.
As Butch stops in his tracks. The camera is from aimed at his back suddenly an alien "chuckle" is heard. Butch turns around with a look of horror on his face to see an Onos standing were the resource node Is locate as the camera turns with him. The Onos uses the stomps then uses the “gore†ability to kill Butch. The camera shifts to just behind Jimmy. Jimmy is breathing heavily and standing still. Suddenly the commander’s voice is heard through a crackling radio effect
Commander: Butch Jimmy, we’ve been ambushed at base! We can’t hold much longer, get back ASAP!â€
The Onos hears the noise and turns to face Jimmy, the camera lowers to just above ground level and the Onos stomps. The screen goes black and flashes Natural Selection 2 “Only the Strongest Will Surviveâ€
Comments
Also way too long and complicated for a "teaser", whose primary purpose should be to flash a few visual treats with a cinematic line or two of dialogue at most.
To be honest, I doubt I'm qualified to review this on its merits as a story. I know what I like and what I don't, and I'm good at proofreading, but I'm not much for determining whether something will be popular with a large audience. In the realm of proofreading though: your wall-style format is making my head hurt. Standard novel or script form could be much easier to read.
"frolicking gorge"
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"frolicking gorge"<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
:)
yea you are both right... its not really a teaser and wasn't meant to be, i miss-titled it. And certainly its fan-made not official.
<!--c1--><div class='codetop'>CODE</div><div class='codemain'><!--ec1-->-----<!--c2--></div><!--ec2-->
<i>The scene opens in a newly built marine outpost. The base is located in Shipping (Tram). Inside the base is an Infantry Portal, Armory, Observatory, and two Sentries facing outward towards Observation/Tunnels. Only one Sentry is built. An unbuilt Command Station rests in the room's center. Three marines in green armor are kneeling, building the Command Station.</i>
<i>The Infantry Portal behind the Command Station whirls to life. The Station builds and deploys as soon as a black-armored marine steps out of the portal; he then enters and is enclosed by the newly built structure, the other marines standing back to observe. Suddenly a deep, powerful, but soft voice is heard.</i>
<b>Commander</b>: Butch, head over to logistics with Jimmy. Check and see if they have the resource node yet. If it’s there, take it out. If not, hold and wait for further orders.
<b>Marine 3</b>: I'll hold down the fort!
<b>Butch</b>: (walking towards Logistics) Roger that commander, moving out now. Jimbo, come on!
<i>Jimmy falls in behind Butch as the two head towards logistics. The two walk slowly towards the resource node, Jimmy is on guard, checking his corners and scanning for intruders, but Butch walks casually.</i>
<b>Butch</b>: Relax kid, nothing ever happens around here. If you’re lucky, you'll find a Hydra or Cyst or something.
<b>Jimmy</b>: (nervously, with a stutter) I...I, I just want to be s...s...safe.
<b>Butch</b>: (laughing) relax kid, maybe we'll see something that moves.
<i>The two continue forward past the active power node and see a Kharra Harvester. Belly sliding up the stairs into the central area is a Gorge, whom the two marines spot as they enter from the left side.</i>
<b>Jimmy</b>: Look there it is! Let's take it out quick!
<b>Butch</b>: Shhhhh. Leave that! Let's follow that thing, we'll get him and his hive!
<b>Jimmy</b>: But the commander said hold here and wait for further orders.
<b>Butch</b>: The commander doesn't fight out here, he doesn't know anything.
<i>Butch begins to go off after the Gorge, but Jimmy stays where he is.</i>
<b>Butch</b>: Fine, if you want to stay here alone, suit yourself.
<i>Jimmy cautiously follows after Butch as he leaves.</i>
<i>The two follow the frolicking Gorge through the corridors. As they enter Tram Repair, they look about more cautiously. Butch still stalks the gorge religiously, but Jimmy slows as he enters the room behind Butch.</i>
<b>Jimmy</b>: Butch, I don’t think it’s wise to go any further.
<i>As Butch stops in his tracks. The camera is from aimed at his back. Suddenly an alien "chuckle" is heard. The camera turns with Butch as he turns around with a look of horror on his face to see an Onos standing were the resource node Is located. The Onos stomps, then gores Butch to death. The camera shifts to just behind Jimmy, who is breathing heavily and standing still. Suddenly the commander’s voice is heard through a crackling radio effect.</i>
<b>Commander</b>: Butch Jimmy, we’ve been ambushed at base! We can’t hold much longer, get back ASAP!â€
<i>The Onos hears the noise and turns to face Jimmy, the camera lowers to just above ground level and the Onos stomps. The screen goes black and flashes: "Natural Selection 2 'Only the strongest will survive'â€</i><!--c1--><div class='codetop'>CODE</div><div class='codemain'><!--ec1-->-----<!--c2--></div><!--ec2-->
That being said, the overall plot seems pretty cliche, and tends to go against what I know as the standard canon/fanon for how the Kharaa and Frontiersman interact from earlier material.
the biggest event in this story would be where the marines decide not to follow orders...:
<!--quoteo--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE </div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->Butch: The commander doesn't fight out here, he doesn't know anything. Butch begins to go off after the gorge but Jimmy stays where he is. Fine if you want to stay here alone, suit yourself. At that Jimmy cautiously follows Butch.<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
this really doesn't catch my attention very well, maybe make it so that they are lured in by aliens or change the dialogue to make it more convincing...
One thing that disturbs me:
<!--quoteo(post=0:date=:name=Jimmy)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Jimmy)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->(nervously, with a stutter) I...I, I just want to be s...s...safe.<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
That's what she said.
But seriously, you should change that to something better. It sounds like something Justin Bieber would say.
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heh they should remake this trailer frame for frame with the new graphics. :) It could use a little more action afterwards though, but suppose it leaves you wanting to know more.
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Literary criticism mode: Engaged.
Butch is not a good name for a character, unless it's a dog from Tom & Jerry cartoons. Too much lesbian connotation.
Why Shipping in Tram? You should have a reason for your location, but you don't use any of the architectural uniqueness of that room (the ladder/catwalk, the elevated staging area in the front, the boxes, the ramp leading to observation, etc).
There wouldn't be anything built without there being a commander. If you want to ignore that for the sake of the video, I think that's okay, but see my next point.
I think it would be cool for the marines to either argue about who should command, or act completely lost, until the black armor marine steps in and decisively takes the command. But why is the command center unbuilt? Is this a secondary base?
"Powerful and deep, but soft." These almost always contradict each other. You don't need a soft-voiced commander. Above all, the voice actor needs to sound like he freaking knows his stuff. Cool and collected, I've-done-this-a-hundred-times-so-listen-up-if-you-want-to-win.
Your first plot point, the order to go to logistics, is fine. The commander's order is specific, like it should be, and also hints that there is an intelligence in what they are facing ("they" have the resource node). I would lose the vernacular in the dialogue ("Jimbo!" and "Common!"), and maybe have the marines touch their helmets to signify they are activating their radios or something. We want to encourage good gameplay with our fan videos :) . Also, try to have some of the dialogue be actual radio commands that are available in the game. This is a kind of fan-service that delights veteran players and helps new ones connect your video to the game world.
As the two walk into logistics, even though it's a short hallway, use the camera to highlight all the spots in the hallway and logistics itself that might be harboring skulks. You could even make the panning jittery, as if it's through Jimmy's eyes. That little recessed duct area in the hallway before you enter the room is a great example. This adds tension while helping characterize Jimmy's nervousness, and also teaches new players how to scan their environment.
I like the interaction between Butch (ugh...) and Jimmy when they enter the room. The whole new-but-alert versus stupidly casual is a good dynamic. Jimmy's stuttering might be a little overplayed, and his "I want to be safe" is cliche. Make it something richer. For example, he could share that he is a a new recruit but has heard rumors about this Kharaa menace and how easy it is for them to hide. This adds mystique to your unseen enemy in the video, and adds to Jimmy's back story.
When they round the corner of the glass room and see the harvester, Jimmy should get ready to shoot it with his rifle but Butch could chuckle to himself and take out his axe, excited at the opportunity for such an easy kill, and tell Jimmy to put the gun away. Butch approaches the harvester to axe it while Jimmy looks on, unsure of whether he should join in. Then switch to the gorge in the entrance to the hallway to Repair Room. Don't show his belly-sliding up into the entrance, just suddenly show him there. This adds to the surprise. He could do his little scream thing, which alerts the two marines to his presence, right before they hack into the harvester. Cue Jimmy's wanting to shoot the thing. Butch could hook his axe around Jimmy's gun barrel and push it down, to prevent him shooting the gorge, and then tell him that he wants to follow it back to the hive.
This next scene, where they decide to leave or stay, is the key to the whole video. This should be what teaches new players that it is a BAD IDEA to ignore your commander's orders (at least, until you become Pro like us :P). I really like Butch's line about "He doesn't fight out here, he doesn't know what's going on". It really captures the attitude a lot of new players have. There should be a moment of hesitation when Jimmy wants to remain in logistics, but Butch's line about being alone, and a well-timed pan of the darkness and creepiness of a partially infested room (and maybe a glint of something in the vent behind the RT?) should make his decision for him.
Jimmy could sprint to catch up with Butch, where he finds butch walking casually behind the slow gorge. Perhaps Butch has taken out his pistol and is leisurely shooting the gorge here and there, or is just following silently. Here is where you show the gorge belly-sliding to get away from the marines.
As the two marines approach the entrance to Repair Room, they could should see a heavily infested room and watch the gorge winding his away around the pillars or down the stairs, and behind it all, shining like a beckoning golden egg, an alien hive. Both marines see it. Butch chuckles delightedly to himself and begins to load a clip into his LMG. Cue Jimmy's line about not wanting to go any further without backup. Don't use the word "wise," it's too formal. Butch once again displays his stupidly rambo attitude and waves off Jimmy's concern, advancing a few feet into the room. Reverse the camera angle to show Butch's front with Jimmy in the entrance behind him. He braces himself and prepares to unload his LMG into the hive (or maybe he gets his axe out again). Then pan either left (toward the Tram Hub door) or right (toward the resource node) and show either an out of focus Onos, or an Onos coming out of cloak. The Onos grunts, which alerts Butch to his presence.
Butch turns around slowly and sees the Onos (which could alternatively come out of cloak as Butch watches). The camera looks on in trepidation as Butch realizes what is about to happen, and the Onos rears back to deliver the killing blow.
Now, this is important, DON'T SHOW BUTCH BEING KILLED. Cut immediately to the front of Jimmy in the corridor, who has gone unnoticed, and is watching Butch being mutilated by the onos. Maybe you hear Butch's mangled cries over the radio, or see a splatter of blood cover Jimmy, or hear one, two stomps and the crunch of bones. Jimmy is looking on, horrified, too scared to move (I don't know how much facial expression you will be able to show through the modeling).
Then have Jimmy's radio crackle to life with the Commander's order to come back to base, which is under attack. The commander should still sound like he is in control of everything, not panicked. Jimmy, shocked out of his frozenness by the sound of the radio, hurriedly tries to silence the sound. Cut to behind his shoulder, where you see the Onos standing over Butch's mangled corpse, and it turns its head toward Jimmy. Cut back to Jimmy's front/face, where we see him backing up (verrrrrry slowly XD) as he stares in horror at the Onos, knowing he's been spotted.
Now have skulks appear, crawling slowly out of the vent in the wall to the right behind Jimmy, or around the corner of the stairs, or over the ceiling. All closing in on his position. It could be good if their eyes flashed, or if they were coming out of cloak or something. Jimmy doesn't notice them. They keep advancing slowly, while Jimmy takes a few more steps back. Cue the alien chuckle, and Jimmy simultaneously stops backing up and goes rigid.
Cut to black,
NATURAL SELECTION 2 (swipe swipe)
Only the strongest survive.
Or something of that nature :P.
Youre in the wrong line of work for that son!
<!--quoteo(post=1929696:date=Apr 25 2012, 01:40 PM:name=Techercizer)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Techercizer @ Apr 25 2012, 01:40 PM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=1929696"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->^better written, but I still have problems with the basic premise. The main concept remains cliche as ever, and from what I understand, the Fronteirsman don't generally just hang out in areas waiting for Kharaa to drop a hive. They're more of an emergency response team than an occupying force.<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
That may be but keep in mind all the maps (so far) take place in human territory, or at least thats what it looks like to me judging by all the soda machines and discarded food wrappers.
<!--quoteo(post=1929572:date=Apr 25 2012, 05:57 AM:name=DJPenguin)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (DJPenguin @ Apr 25 2012, 05:57 AM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=1929572"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->made me remember of that ns2 fan made film<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Why was I not informed of the existence of this video? Those responsible shall be... puunished! Heh, I nearly fell over laughing at Baaz's reason for enlisting.