Good jokes.
RichardRahl
Join Date: 2011-06-15 Member: 104594Members
Join Date: 2011-06-15 Member: 104594Members
Just a thread for good jokes you've found, or heard. I'll start off
While walking down the street one day a U.S. senator is hit by a bus and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to heaven,†says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.â€
“No problem, just let me in,†says the man.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.â€
“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,†the senator protests.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.â€
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
“Now it’s time to visit heaven.â€
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.
“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.â€
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.â€
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don’t understand,†stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?â€
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."
While walking down the street one day a U.S. senator is hit by a bus and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to heaven,†says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.â€
“No problem, just let me in,†says the man.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.â€
“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,†the senator protests.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.â€
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
“Now it’s time to visit heaven.â€
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.
“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.â€
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.â€
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don’t understand,†stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?â€
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."
Comments
<span style='color:#000000;background:#000000'>A baby playing in a plastic bag.</span>
<center><object width="450" height="356"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/cWhlaSLRnEo"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/cWhlaSLRnEo" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="450" height="356"></embed></object></center>
<span style='color:#000000;background:#000000'>A baby playing in a plastic bag.</span><!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
I guess I didn't make it clear in the first post, please avoid disgusting inappropriate jokes like that please, it's not even funny, it's juvenile
Clearly you have not read the Dark Tower series... jokes like that can save the day!
You can't start a topic called "Good jokes" and expect everyone to share your sense of humor.
Nerd humor, try googling "recursion" sometime.
*laughtrack.wav*
Dead baby jokes are actually the ultimate distillation of the joke format.
The thing that makes a joke funny is cramming the maximum amount of funny into the minimum amount of words, long jokes aren't very funny because to evoke humour you need to hit someone with a large amount of laugh-inducing ideas at once, because laughing is a visceral reaction, same as being grossed out or frightened or similar emotions. You can't force it, it just sort of happens uncontrollably. If you drag it out over a paragraph nobody is going to laugh, or they're going to get bored halfway through.
So, dead baby jokes are the ultimate form of this, they flat out don't work if you use more than about ten words, they force you to cut it as short as possible and pick your words and ideas carefully to make the joke as efficient as possible. They're funny because they are a joke in every way except that the funny is replaced with gross, to the point where your only response is to laugh rather than despair.
Or to put it simpler, brevity is wit.
The thing that makes a joke funny is cramming the maximum amount of funny into the minimum amount of words, long jokes aren't very funny because to evoke humour you need to hit someone with a large amount of laugh-inducing ideas at once, because laughing is a visceral reaction, same as being grossed out or frightened or similar emotions. You can't force it, it just sort of happens uncontrollably. If you drag it out over a paragraph nobody is going to laugh, or they're going to get bored halfway through.
So, dead baby jokes are the ultimate form of this, they flat out don't work if you use more than about ten words, they force you to cut it as short as possible and pick your words and ideas carefully to make the joke as efficient as possible. They're funny because they are a joke in every way except that the funny is replaced with gross, to the point where your only response is to laugh rather than despair.
Or to put it simpler, brevity is wit.<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
That's actually a really good explanation why they work so well. That said, wouldn't it be true to say that dead baby jokes are indeed the 2nd lowest form of wit (the lowest obviously being punnery)? I mean, to make some one laugh as hard as we do at short little 2 liner, but using a huge lead up has to take more skill as you are sacrificing the ease of surprise in favor of attempting an intellectual (on some level) stab.
That doesn't mean that I think that the 2 liner jokes aren't great, after all, if both jokes make you laugh just as hard, mission accomplished, right?
PS: I suspect that if I start unloading dead baby jokes here I would get a nice quick forum vacation, so I'll pass :)
<b>What do vegetarian ogres eat?</b>
<span style='color:#000000;background:#000000'>Cabbage patch kids.</span>
See, I actually think that it's harder to write a long (And GOOD) joke than it is to write a short and good joke.
I agree, managing to convey your point in fewer words is harder, however making some one laugh with more is also harder.
<!--quoteo(post=1872345:date=Aug 31 2011, 03:26 PM:name=Konohas Perverted Hermit)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Konohas Perverted Hermit @ Aug 31 2011, 03:26 PM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=1872345"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->Yah, Dead Baby Jokes are the pinnacle of quick, funny, and distasteful.
<b>What do vegetarian ogres eat?</b>
<span style='color:#000000;background:#000000'>Cabbage patch kids.</span><!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Ye gods, there are some I don't know :D
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvdf5n-zI14" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvdf5n-zI14</a>
<span style='color:#000000;background:#000000'>A watermelon floats.</span>
To this day, nobody has managed to write a joke that was short and good.
That's what she said.
They were funny when I was 15, they are funny and fascinating now that I'm 22.
Age has its benefits.
<b>What's the difference between a dead baby and a Styrofoam cup?</b>
<span style='color:#000000;background:#000000'>A dead baby doesn't harm the atmosphere when you burn it.</span>
>Complain when people have a different sense of humour
>laughinggirls.jpg
This constitutes a form of humour in some parts of the internet.
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners.
The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
She looked at the men in the room, "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments, a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes," said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering, would it be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
<span style='color:#000000;background:#000000'>____________________Blue paint</span>
The thing that makes a joke funny is cramming the maximum amount of funny into the minimum amount of words, long jokes aren't very funny because to evoke humour you need to hit someone with a large amount of laugh-inducing ideas at once, because laughing is a visceral reaction, same as being grossed out or frightened or similar emotions. You can't force it, it just sort of happens uncontrollably. If you drag it out over a paragraph nobody is going to laugh, or they're going to get bored halfway through.
So, dead baby jokes are the ultimate form of this, they flat out don't work if you use more than about ten words, they force you to cut it as short as possible and pick your words and ideas carefully to make the joke as efficient as possible. They're funny because they are a joke in every way except that the funny is replaced with gross, to the point where your only response is to laugh rather than despair.
Or to put it simpler, brevity is wit.<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->Depends...
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scwf7KmZLec" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scwf7KmZLec</a>
Well, I've been 6'3 since I was 15.Did I peak too early?
<span style='color:#000000;background:#000000'>A baby trying to breast feed from an electrical outlet.</span>
<!--quoteo(post=1872832:date=Sep 2 2011, 07:04 PM:name=[WHO]Them)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE ([WHO]Them @ Sep 2 2011, 07:04 PM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=1872832"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec--><!--quoteo(post=1872723:date=Sep 2 2011, 08:39 AM:name=RichardRahl)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (RichardRahl @ Sep 2 2011, 08:39 AM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=1872723"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->
I guess some people never grow up.<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Well, I've been 6'3 since I was 15.Did I peak too early?
<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Nah, I was 6'6" when I was 16 so it is all cool. Some people will complain no matter what is going on.