Lil story test design I'm working on
include
aka RpTheHotrodDallas, TX Join Date: 2003-01-08 Member: 12027Members, Constellation, Reinforced - Shadow, WC 2013 - Shadow
aka RpTheHotrodDallas, TX Join Date: 2003-01-08 Member: 12027Members, Constellation, Reinforced - Shadow, WC 2013 - Shadow
in Off-Topic
<div class="IPBDescription">Opinions wanted!</div>Figured it wouldn't hurt getting some opinions out of the awesome crowd we have here :D
I've been working on a personal project for awhile now, and I figured I might as well leak a little scrapbook writing I did for it. Let me know what y'all think!
This is a scrapbook writing...which means it really hasn't been proofread or anything. I'm just tossing this out there for now to get some opinions. It may or may not be in the story. It's simply "note scribbling", sort of, but in a write-out form.
Thanks!
*** Scrapbook Writing 1 ***
The moonlight covered the empty streets as the city slept. Curfew was in effect. Down every alley, down every street, and around every corner not a single person could be found. There was no traffic, and the only sound heard throughout the cold corridors of concrete and metal was the eerie wind. It was night time. With all the lights still on, everyone was safe from dark sickness while being asleep indoors in the residential areas throughout the city.
The silence was then broken by the sounds of the patrol trucks as they each came to a stop to their assigned sectors. The doors of the trucks opened and the night patrols exited with their gear already prepped. Five armed troopers checked each other’s armor to ensure the internal lights were fully functional before setting out on their patrol. These patrols were not meant to be subtle or sneak around, as the lights peaking out of the armor cracks between joints gave their position away from a good distance.
As the patrol moved out on foot, they carefully watched every street and checked every corner of their sector. As they went along, they placed scanner posts in line with previous scanners set. Bene, one of the patrolmen, looked around nervously.
“Have any of you guys ever actually seen an Ekrahd while out on patrol?†he asked.
The other four patrolmen stopped and look at him. The leading officer finally spoke up and asked, “You’re fresh out of the academy, aren’t you?â€
“Yes sir, I am.†Bene looked back at them as if he had said something wrong.
“Look kid, Ekrahd is their ‘official and scientific’ name.†with obvious sarcasm in his voice. “Out here on patrol, we just call ‘em Darklings.†He paused. “…and yes, we‘ve seen them. Just keep your wits about you and you’ll do fine. They are normally just stragglers. It’s not too often we see them in packs. Those are the ones you have to watch out for.†Bene did not feel any more confident.
“All right men, let’s get these scanners online and see what’s out here.†The team lead dropped down on one knee and began unpacking some gear. “I’m going to set up the grid now. Johnson, give me a hand here.†One of the patrolmen put away their weapon and began bringing each scanner, one by one, online. The other three patrolmen stood guard.
“Hey, kid…relax…I don’t want you getting us killed.â€
Bene looked at the fellow patrolman in response. “I’ll feel a lot better once we get those scanners online. I feel like we’re sitting ducks out here.†Bene readied his rifle again and carefully kept watch.
“Okay! Scanner 5A online…5B…5C…5D…and 5E are online. I’m not seeing any movement other than us.†Bene gave a quite sigh of relief.
“This is squad five. Our sector’s scanners are up for the night. We’re currently reporting no movement in the area. We’re moving to the residential sector.†The patrol grouped back up and continued on their patrol.
As the patrol continued, one of the devices the lead patrolman carried started to give off a persistent sound that would echo every few seconds as if it was alerting the team.
Johnson quickly but quietly spoke up, “Hey guys, we have movement up ahead. Keep your eyes peeled.†Everyone raised their weapons ready to fire and quickly moved towards the source of the reading.
“Stop, get to the wall!†the leading patrolman whispered. “Up ahead, right there…†Off in the distance, someone was scrounging through something on the ground. “That’s no Darkling.â€
Johnson replied with a sound of concern in his voice, “Who would be crazy enough to be out here in the dark? There’s barely any light in this area. Might be a rebel.â€
The officer in charge continued where Johnson left off. “Yeah, and he’s just on the outer perimeter of the scanners. If he goes any further, he’ll be out of sensor range.†Hearing that, all five of the men prepped for a rush.
The officer in charge readied his weapon. “On three. One…two…three!â€
Without warning, all five of the men jumped around the corner and opened fire towards the lone person. As the area lit up from the sparks of the bullets, the target quickly ran as fast as he could. “He’s making a run for it through the alley! Centre, we are in pursuit of someone out at curfew. It’s a possible rebel!†Four of them rushed forward, while Bene covered their flanks. The target darted in and out of alleyways in his best effort to escape the patrol. The man leading the charge shouted, “Keep your eyes and ears open for any more of them. He’s out of sensor range. We don’t know where he’s headed!†Turning another corner, the patrol came to a sudden dead end.
“Where did he go?†shouted Johnson.
Bene heard an unfamiliar sound of rustling, scratches, and clicking. “Uh, Sir, I think there’s something here.†Bene slowly backed up wiping the sweat from off his face and hastily got into a sloppy defensive position.
The team lead grabbed an extra sensor. “Johnson, set this thing up quick. Don’t waste any time.†Johnson quickly deployed sensor 5F and stood back up. “Centre, this is Squad 5 team lead. We’re picking up several contacts outside of our main scanner perimeter. They are moving too fast to be rebels.â€
The radio crackled to life, “We hear you. Activate SensorVid visuals. You have enough sensors to determine exact positions. Out.â€
Each patrolman flipped down a visor over their eyes to be able to clearly see what was coming at them. “There’s so many of them…†whispered Bene as he continued to slowly back up.
“Centre, we are far outnumbered by Darklings. We need assistance right now!†From every corridor of the alley, the grotesque creatures of the night, looking more like rotting corpses than living creatures, started to crawl towards the patrol, giving off growls and screams as they do just before a kill.
“Open fire!†The night lit up bright as the barrels of the guns grew bright red, and the silence broke with the ripping sound of bullets flying through the air. As they concentrated their attention from in front and behind, a Darkling jumped down from above and grabbed one of the men, quickly dragging him a bit of a ways from the others.
“They’ve got Johnson! Shoot it!†Bene quickly steadied his hand with his sidearm and made a spectacular shot at his target’s head piercing the outer shell and lobbing inside of the brain. The creature went flying backwards onto the ground its body lying lifeless, but not before it was able to do some serious damage to Johnson’s suit. Johnson started to frantically flail around.
“His lights are offline! Get that armor off, quick! Someone keep a light on him! We need back up right now, Centre!†With one man down, and Bene trying to keep light on Johnson, the remaining three stood their ground in defense. As more and more Ekrahd crawled out their hiding places, it was only a matter of moments before the silence of the night returned after the patrol team, battered and broken, was completely overwhelmed.
Just off in the distance, the a figure hiding among the buildings looked back one last time to ensure it was safe before continuing on, jumping from light to light, to deliver a message of great importance for his cause. He was taking a great risk traveling at night, but he had no choice. He had to push forward.
*** Scrapbook Writing 2 ***
As he descended down the dimly lit stairwell, trying his best to ignore the stench and scrawled writings on the wall, the eerie claustrophobic feeling started to overtake him. It was as if the walls themselves were breathing loudly and were very displeased with his presence.
His foot came down at last onto the ground level. Strangely enough, it was dead silent once he moved away from the stairs. Ahead of him was nothing but a dark void that chilled him to the bone. He attempted to use the small light he had with him, but the darkness itself seemed to engulf its radiance. Clearly, the light was not nearly enough to keep him safe. He moved his hand along the wall as he hoped to find any type of light source while keeping just enough light on his hand to keep him protected. Feeling something slightly extruding out of the wall, he pushed in and heard a distance sound of what sounded like sudden thunder down the corridor. For every echoed sound, a ceiling light revealed itself closer and closer to his location. After but a moment, the entire corridor was lit up. The underground passage appeared as if it would go on forever - a maze going to wherever one might need to go. These were the tunnels the people of the city would use to go about their business when the rare event of the acidic rain would come to their grand city.
As the surface was no longer safe for him, he stepped forward into the corridor. As the lights flickered, he could merely hope that the lights would maintain themselves long enough for him to safely pass through the tunnel network. If they were to fail, his only hope was the small light he had on his person - a hope that would fail to keep him alive.
I've been working on a personal project for awhile now, and I figured I might as well leak a little scrapbook writing I did for it. Let me know what y'all think!
This is a scrapbook writing...which means it really hasn't been proofread or anything. I'm just tossing this out there for now to get some opinions. It may or may not be in the story. It's simply "note scribbling", sort of, but in a write-out form.
Thanks!
*** Scrapbook Writing 1 ***
The moonlight covered the empty streets as the city slept. Curfew was in effect. Down every alley, down every street, and around every corner not a single person could be found. There was no traffic, and the only sound heard throughout the cold corridors of concrete and metal was the eerie wind. It was night time. With all the lights still on, everyone was safe from dark sickness while being asleep indoors in the residential areas throughout the city.
The silence was then broken by the sounds of the patrol trucks as they each came to a stop to their assigned sectors. The doors of the trucks opened and the night patrols exited with their gear already prepped. Five armed troopers checked each other’s armor to ensure the internal lights were fully functional before setting out on their patrol. These patrols were not meant to be subtle or sneak around, as the lights peaking out of the armor cracks between joints gave their position away from a good distance.
As the patrol moved out on foot, they carefully watched every street and checked every corner of their sector. As they went along, they placed scanner posts in line with previous scanners set. Bene, one of the patrolmen, looked around nervously.
“Have any of you guys ever actually seen an Ekrahd while out on patrol?†he asked.
The other four patrolmen stopped and look at him. The leading officer finally spoke up and asked, “You’re fresh out of the academy, aren’t you?â€
“Yes sir, I am.†Bene looked back at them as if he had said something wrong.
“Look kid, Ekrahd is their ‘official and scientific’ name.†with obvious sarcasm in his voice. “Out here on patrol, we just call ‘em Darklings.†He paused. “…and yes, we‘ve seen them. Just keep your wits about you and you’ll do fine. They are normally just stragglers. It’s not too often we see them in packs. Those are the ones you have to watch out for.†Bene did not feel any more confident.
“All right men, let’s get these scanners online and see what’s out here.†The team lead dropped down on one knee and began unpacking some gear. “I’m going to set up the grid now. Johnson, give me a hand here.†One of the patrolmen put away their weapon and began bringing each scanner, one by one, online. The other three patrolmen stood guard.
“Hey, kid…relax…I don’t want you getting us killed.â€
Bene looked at the fellow patrolman in response. “I’ll feel a lot better once we get those scanners online. I feel like we’re sitting ducks out here.†Bene readied his rifle again and carefully kept watch.
“Okay! Scanner 5A online…5B…5C…5D…and 5E are online. I’m not seeing any movement other than us.†Bene gave a quite sigh of relief.
“This is squad five. Our sector’s scanners are up for the night. We’re currently reporting no movement in the area. We’re moving to the residential sector.†The patrol grouped back up and continued on their patrol.
As the patrol continued, one of the devices the lead patrolman carried started to give off a persistent sound that would echo every few seconds as if it was alerting the team.
Johnson quickly but quietly spoke up, “Hey guys, we have movement up ahead. Keep your eyes peeled.†Everyone raised their weapons ready to fire and quickly moved towards the source of the reading.
“Stop, get to the wall!†the leading patrolman whispered. “Up ahead, right there…†Off in the distance, someone was scrounging through something on the ground. “That’s no Darkling.â€
Johnson replied with a sound of concern in his voice, “Who would be crazy enough to be out here in the dark? There’s barely any light in this area. Might be a rebel.â€
The officer in charge continued where Johnson left off. “Yeah, and he’s just on the outer perimeter of the scanners. If he goes any further, he’ll be out of sensor range.†Hearing that, all five of the men prepped for a rush.
The officer in charge readied his weapon. “On three. One…two…three!â€
Without warning, all five of the men jumped around the corner and opened fire towards the lone person. As the area lit up from the sparks of the bullets, the target quickly ran as fast as he could. “He’s making a run for it through the alley! Centre, we are in pursuit of someone out at curfew. It’s a possible rebel!†Four of them rushed forward, while Bene covered their flanks. The target darted in and out of alleyways in his best effort to escape the patrol. The man leading the charge shouted, “Keep your eyes and ears open for any more of them. He’s out of sensor range. We don’t know where he’s headed!†Turning another corner, the patrol came to a sudden dead end.
“Where did he go?†shouted Johnson.
Bene heard an unfamiliar sound of rustling, scratches, and clicking. “Uh, Sir, I think there’s something here.†Bene slowly backed up wiping the sweat from off his face and hastily got into a sloppy defensive position.
The team lead grabbed an extra sensor. “Johnson, set this thing up quick. Don’t waste any time.†Johnson quickly deployed sensor 5F and stood back up. “Centre, this is Squad 5 team lead. We’re picking up several contacts outside of our main scanner perimeter. They are moving too fast to be rebels.â€
The radio crackled to life, “We hear you. Activate SensorVid visuals. You have enough sensors to determine exact positions. Out.â€
Each patrolman flipped down a visor over their eyes to be able to clearly see what was coming at them. “There’s so many of them…†whispered Bene as he continued to slowly back up.
“Centre, we are far outnumbered by Darklings. We need assistance right now!†From every corridor of the alley, the grotesque creatures of the night, looking more like rotting corpses than living creatures, started to crawl towards the patrol, giving off growls and screams as they do just before a kill.
“Open fire!†The night lit up bright as the barrels of the guns grew bright red, and the silence broke with the ripping sound of bullets flying through the air. As they concentrated their attention from in front and behind, a Darkling jumped down from above and grabbed one of the men, quickly dragging him a bit of a ways from the others.
“They’ve got Johnson! Shoot it!†Bene quickly steadied his hand with his sidearm and made a spectacular shot at his target’s head piercing the outer shell and lobbing inside of the brain. The creature went flying backwards onto the ground its body lying lifeless, but not before it was able to do some serious damage to Johnson’s suit. Johnson started to frantically flail around.
“His lights are offline! Get that armor off, quick! Someone keep a light on him! We need back up right now, Centre!†With one man down, and Bene trying to keep light on Johnson, the remaining three stood their ground in defense. As more and more Ekrahd crawled out their hiding places, it was only a matter of moments before the silence of the night returned after the patrol team, battered and broken, was completely overwhelmed.
Just off in the distance, the a figure hiding among the buildings looked back one last time to ensure it was safe before continuing on, jumping from light to light, to deliver a message of great importance for his cause. He was taking a great risk traveling at night, but he had no choice. He had to push forward.
*** Scrapbook Writing 2 ***
As he descended down the dimly lit stairwell, trying his best to ignore the stench and scrawled writings on the wall, the eerie claustrophobic feeling started to overtake him. It was as if the walls themselves were breathing loudly and were very displeased with his presence.
His foot came down at last onto the ground level. Strangely enough, it was dead silent once he moved away from the stairs. Ahead of him was nothing but a dark void that chilled him to the bone. He attempted to use the small light he had with him, but the darkness itself seemed to engulf its radiance. Clearly, the light was not nearly enough to keep him safe. He moved his hand along the wall as he hoped to find any type of light source while keeping just enough light on his hand to keep him protected. Feeling something slightly extruding out of the wall, he pushed in and heard a distance sound of what sounded like sudden thunder down the corridor. For every echoed sound, a ceiling light revealed itself closer and closer to his location. After but a moment, the entire corridor was lit up. The underground passage appeared as if it would go on forever - a maze going to wherever one might need to go. These were the tunnels the people of the city would use to go about their business when the rare event of the acidic rain would come to their grand city.
As the surface was no longer safe for him, he stepped forward into the corridor. As the lights flickered, he could merely hope that the lights would maintain themselves long enough for him to safely pass through the tunnel network. If they were to fail, his only hope was the small light he had on his person - a hope that would fail to keep him alive.
Comments
Ha, well it's certainly nothing like pitch black once you know what the story is about, but I'm not quite ready to reveal that. For now, this is just experimental writings to try to be creative.
Besides, if I recall correctly, I don't think anyone in Pitch Black got sick simply due to being in the dark. Man, I haven't seen that movie in ages...forgot all about it, really. Quite an interesting one. I've had this storyline well before Pitch Black was released though. Came up with the foundation of it about 13 years ago (even have it copyright). I've always kept the story to myself, so no, Pitch Black was in no way associated with my story :P
That constant 'sir' and 'lets go team' crap is for... well... fiction. Soldiers are foul-mouthed lunkheads with weird senses of humor. Needs more obscenities and they need to be constantly insulting each other. They probably all know each other so a first-name basis wouldn't be unusual - or nicknames. They'd know if they were taking a new guy out before they got out there.
And 'Johnson' is like the most cliche military name ever.
That constant 'sir' and 'lets go team' crap is for... well... fiction. Soldiers are foul-mouthed lunkheads with weird senses of humor. Needs more obscenities and they need to be constantly insulting each other. They probably all know each other so a first-name basis wouldn't be unusual - or nicknames. They'd know if they were taking a new guy out before they got out there.
And 'Johnson' is like the most cliche military name ever.<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Fair enough. :) A lot of how they act is due to the background of how the city is run (the military is severely impersonal, you never know who you're getting assigned to), but at the moment, you're not aware of it, at all, so it's a little unfair on the details. These guys are actually "the bad guys". Just a writing exercise, but I'll make sure to take your suggestions with some good thought. It's doubtful the story will be written from their point of view, so strictly speaking, these are unnamed characters. Thought it would be interesting to write a scene from a completely different point of view to get a better understanding on what's going on.
Suppose you're right about Johnson. They don't need names XD so Johnson was the first thing that popped into my head. Wrote this while at work :)
That constant 'sir' and 'lets go team' crap is for... well... fiction. Soldiers are foul-mouthed lunkheads with weird senses of humor. Needs more obscenities and they need to be constantly insulting each other. They probably all know each other so a first-name basis wouldn't be unusual - or nicknames. They'd know if they were taking a new guy out before they got out there.
And 'Johnson' is like the most cliche military name ever.<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
What you need to do is follow MW2, you know your foul mouthed comrade is named Soap!