Oh Yes, Typical Lady Problems
<div class="IPBDescription">but its my first discussion post...</div> I'm not sure how these Discussion forums work but: As much as I value everyone's opinion, please don't waste my time or yours by replying unless you're 19 years of age or older or a girl. Yes I remember what I would've done at 16 too, and its not a good idea.
So I've got the problems from the fairer species, her name is Sarah (no its not, i've changed it to protect the innocent) and I've known her for at least 15 years. To me, Sarah is that hot girl I've always known but never had a relationship with. I've seen her go through boyfriends and she's seen me go through girlfriends. This summer Sarah and 2 other good friends of mine came to visit. One night while I was alone with Sarah (due to my drunken-ness) I found my ear being almost swallowed by her. I was shocked but pleasantly so (known her for a long, long time but she is also very attractive). One of the giant problems of this situation is that my best friend is infatuated with Sarah, even thought he realizes that she doesnt have the same feelings for him. So as much as I like Sarah and with her *really* comming on to me, I was very conflicted with the fact that my best friend likes her.
Long story short (yes, this is the short version), suffice it to say that Sarah and I "fooled around" together behind the back of my other guests. This was agreed between us to be nothing more than "a little fun" since I dont live anywhere near my friends and can't possibly persue a relationship with Sarah. So today she logs on to messenger and I ask her what the news is, as usual. She proceeds to tell me that she's seeing someone new and some other stuff that i honestly cant remember.
Now this is completely acceptable for her to do considering our situation. She did 'jump' me at a bar in Banff, but at the same time, I wont be living in the same area as her for a long time, if ever... I knew from the begining that this was a possibility, but why did it hit me so hard? The first thing I did was cancel the work I was doing on my Operating Systems assignment and go straight to the campus bar to drink 5 pints and 5 shots of jags.
I knew all along that this could happen, I even thought that it would be okay for me to find someone else in the meantime. Why am I handling this so poorly? I feel like such a weenie, especially since the booze didnt do me in like i had hoped it would.
So I've got the problems from the fairer species, her name is Sarah (no its not, i've changed it to protect the innocent) and I've known her for at least 15 years. To me, Sarah is that hot girl I've always known but never had a relationship with. I've seen her go through boyfriends and she's seen me go through girlfriends. This summer Sarah and 2 other good friends of mine came to visit. One night while I was alone with Sarah (due to my drunken-ness) I found my ear being almost swallowed by her. I was shocked but pleasantly so (known her for a long, long time but she is also very attractive). One of the giant problems of this situation is that my best friend is infatuated with Sarah, even thought he realizes that she doesnt have the same feelings for him. So as much as I like Sarah and with her *really* comming on to me, I was very conflicted with the fact that my best friend likes her.
Long story short (yes, this is the short version), suffice it to say that Sarah and I "fooled around" together behind the back of my other guests. This was agreed between us to be nothing more than "a little fun" since I dont live anywhere near my friends and can't possibly persue a relationship with Sarah. So today she logs on to messenger and I ask her what the news is, as usual. She proceeds to tell me that she's seeing someone new and some other stuff that i honestly cant remember.
Now this is completely acceptable for her to do considering our situation. She did 'jump' me at a bar in Banff, but at the same time, I wont be living in the same area as her for a long time, if ever... I knew from the begining that this was a possibility, but why did it hit me so hard? The first thing I did was cancel the work I was doing on my Operating Systems assignment and go straight to the campus bar to drink 5 pints and 5 shots of jags.
I knew all along that this could happen, I even thought that it would be okay for me to find someone else in the meantime. Why am I handling this so poorly? I feel like such a weenie, especially since the booze didnt do me in like i had hoped it would.
Comments
Now on to your problem. To put your 'weenyness' into perspective, I'm currently still sobbing over a girl whom I certainly <i>never</i> fooled around with and who's now moved to Ireland. I'll never see her again, yet, I'm still unable to approach other girls because of the memory of her, a girl I never got really close to.
Stupid, isn't it?
Yes, but that's how we work. You can re-iterate to yourself that a relationship with a certain person would be impossible due to the reasons a), b), and c) for as often as you want, once you're attracted to this person, you could just as well try to convince a stone that it doesn't have to follow gravity. Our feelings can't be influenced by rationality. Whether you admit it to yourself or not, you <i>were</i> hoping for a relationship with Sarah and now, you are heart broken. You'll have to accept it, and then either try to get over it, which simply takes time, or try to pursue a relationship with her, anyways. I can of course not possibly say how high your chances would be in the second case.
Its surprising how you can carry a torch for someone without consciously realising it, then when you find out they are seeing someone/moving away/woteva its a totally unexepected kick to the stomach. I think the fact it is unexpected makes it all the worse.
It all began when my girlfriend of two years left me. She said she wasn't good enough for me, later I found out she cheated on me about 10 times with 3 other people....
Anyway, thats not the story. After that, I was depressed, I started talking to this one girl. I knew her a little before my GF left me, but now I was really starting to know her (she likes to play video games, alot!!). I began to have feelings for her, and she told me she had feelings for me too. There was a catch, she was involved with some guy who she had been involved with for about 3 years. So, me being the nice guy that I am, I told her not to break up with her boyfriend for me, to not complicate her life over me. We still talked alot, we became really good friends and extremely close. She eventually became the only person I can open up to, tell everything to, she did become my best friend. Eventually, she did break up with her boyfriend, and of course this was good news for me, but before I could do anything she said that she didn't want someone right now. So, being the nice guy that I am, I didn't force anything on her, because I care too much for her.
Now, heres where it gets tricky. Eventually, she starts "dating" (I use the term loosely) one of my friends, someone I see alot. I ask her about this, and she says she has no idea why she likes him, she says he treats her like crap, and she wants to break it off with him but for some odd reason can't. This, of course, shatters my already bruised mind, to see someone I care about so uch be with someone who treats her like crap, and for it to be my friend too. She explains it as something that will not last, and its just a fling. Now, I can't stand to see them together, and mostly they are when I am around (we all go to the same bar), when I do see them together, I get all depressed and tend to go into a drunken oblivion, which I used to do just for fun but now I do it for depression....
I still talk to her alot. I told her that maybe it was best if I cut off all connection with her, but she is still a really good friend and I still care for her, so everytime I try to cut her loose, I miss talking to her, so I can't cut her loose and am stuck in the same downward spiral. I am find around her when she is not with him, I treat her as a friend. I just wish I could only think of her as a friend, I would give anything to let go of these feelings for her and just be good friends with her. But the harder I try to let go of these feelings, the harder they seem to hold on and the stronger they become. One night when she was drunk she told me that she loved me more than anybody, but she didn't want to ruin any future that we might have together or our current friendship because she doesn't want to be serious with anybody right now.
Bah, the twisted story that is my life. I care for this girl so much that I can't be without her, yet I can't see her with a jerk who is my friend. So, like the damn nice guy that I am, I force myslef to think of her happiness at the sake of my own. I seem to do that alot, sacrifice my happiness for the happiness of others.
I don't know if this helps you any, but I had to get this off my chest. I guess the only thing I can go with is you can't deny your feelings for somebody, no matter how hard you try.
Man, I need a drink now.
Edit: Whenever I see you Burr I think about alcohol!
But then, I'm assuming that she's a semi-logical being who you can open up to and simply say, "Look, I don't think X is treating you right. I'd really like to have a relationship with you that's more than just friends, and have for a long time. He's a friend and all, but you deserve someone who will be good to you."
and yeah... my fiancee.. is currently residing in NY. and i am stuck here in the UK. so i know distance.. it aint nothing.. dont even put that into the equation.. it can be worked around...it may not be easy.. but **** when is life easy?
if you like the girl go for it.. i mean tell her.. she clearly likes you... so just like yeah.. the only thing you can do is tell her or if not you can spend your life wondering what if..
<span style='color:red'>*Do not evade the swear filters. They are there for a reason, mmkay?* -Talesin</span>
Bah! I have a theory about her. SHe has a certain addiction and my friend helps supply it, that might be a main factor. Hell, because of her addiction I shouldn't even bother with her, but I do, have no idea why.
<!--QuoteBegin--></span><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin-->Edit: Whenever I see you Burr I think about alcohol! <!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Glad I can be recognized <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif'><!--endemo-->
Burr- I am not discrediting your feelings for this girl, nor how amazing she really is. But there is one thing you need to look at. She is literally 'addicted' to an A-Hole. That in itself says alot about her and her ability to maintain a healthy relationship. If your as [sarcasm] lucky [/sarcasm] as me, this relationship would end up with her breaking your heart and ultimately leaving your because 'your too nice'. This by no means is your fault, but a issue or series of issues she may need to work out herself before she will ever be able to let herself have a partner that can treat her right and maintain a healthy relationship with them. To your credit tho, this doesnt mean it will hurt any less or change the way you feel. Just as before I am sincerely sorry, as I am at the coat tails of a similar circumstance, the diference being that I did engage with a relationship with the girl and have since gone through 3 years of hell loving someone who cant be in a good relationship.
I hope the best for your both, and regardless of outcome, learn from your misfortune, so you can avoid it later in life
but i just wanna wish you good luck with your own feelings =\
Of course, this doesn't mean you can't be the sensitive, guilt ridden, mushy face, flower petal spreading pile of marshmellow loveyness that every women thinks she wants. It just means that sometimes you have to shut that system down for a bit and "take it". As soon as you show them that you don't need them around, they come running back. It's really stupid but if it worked for me, it can work for you. I've been with the GF for something like 4 or 5 years now.
Btw, wallowing is not attractive. Best short term gain is a sympathy "session" from some girl who's been pining for you for years.
Like I said, I don't want to come off as harsh, and I do hope you guys turn this around, but sooner or later you got to pick your chin up and get back to work.
<span style='color:red'><b>We don't need you to test the filters for us, thanks... I'm being nice, cause I usually nuke the entire post.</span></b>
shaggy: sounds like you're in love. don't deny it. it is. that's why you are handling it 'so poorly', when, in fact, i think you're handling it quite normally.
everyone is different. but if it were me, i'd tell her how i felt, and try and get a long distance thing going on.
nem: it _sounds_ like you are in love with an image of an ideal of what you think this girl is like. i only say this since you mentioned you never got close to her. it is indeed, this ideal that can be impossible to give up.
could it also be that in order to shield yourself from possible rejection from other girls, your mind has created an overzealous attachment to this Ireland girl? i don't mean to trod on your feeling for this girl, but only trying to offer possible help.
on a side side note i'm a fairly strong believer in whatever you hold to be true, is. so if you hold to be true that rationality will never overcome emotions, you're probably right.
best to both of you.
Point being. IMO..don't buckle down until you are older. I still play with other girls even though i'm in a special relationship with sarah which i'm starting to get sick off. Even getting tired of freaking her haha.
Go ahead and say i'm shallow, but it's always the same stuff and I get sick and tired of it.
It should at least make things interesting for when I go to visit home over the Christmas holidays.
Anyways
Having hard feelings for a loved one and losing them in anyway is one hell of a hard thing. The best advice I can give is not to worry. You'll find somebody...who knows...maybe in the future you could possibly get together with her.
IE: My friend who is also named Sarah said that in Jr.High that she would never date me. My Junior year of high school and her sophomore year of high school, we dated.
Now what I said is pretty much fantasy, but if you want to go realistically, ask her (if she has brains) why she does what she seems to be doing.
I am not expert so don't take my advice.
Now what I said is pretty much fantasy, but if you want to go realistically, ask her (if she has brains) why she does what she seems to be doing.
I am not expert so don't take my advice.<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
I'll correct you on that one, what happend between us was mutual and was agreed upon to be something that was <i>not serious</i>. We were both nervous about ruining a long-standing friendship. The trick here, is that this means I have no claim over her and it is perfectly acceptable for her to be seeing someone else. I can't honestly expect her to wait for me to visit in Christmas and then stay single after I leave. Its a tough pill to swallow but theres not much for me to do. Sarah (not her real name by the way) is an attractive, intelligent, fun to be around girl who has finished college and has a full time job as a massage therapist. Short of moving back home and trying to start a relationship with her, theres nothing I can do to stop her from seeing other guys. I don't think what happened with us was her teasing me or using me, I've known her for longer than many users of this board have probably been alive for. I appreciate the suggestions and comments from everyone, but I don't know where else I can take this. The only guarantee I have is getting a free massage when I visit. If she's not still seeing this guy when I get there something could happen again, or not. I don't know. Frankly its become very distracting to me. As crappy as I'll feel about it, I think it would be for the better if she was still with the guy when I go. I can only hope hes not a jerk.
girls = time * money
and we all know time = money
so girls = money^2
and as we all know money = ROOT(evil)
so girls = ROOT(evil)^2
which reduces to girls = evil.
And now for the serious response:
I know the feeling. On one hand, have a friendship. On the other hand is the magical land of "what if?" If you stay friends, you'll always wonder "what would have happened?". You know this girl is awesome, and it only makes sense that you'd have the urge to explore what could happen like that. The problem is, you need to risk your friendship to do that.
The question is: is it worth it? In your case, it sounds like you're both pretty rational people about this. When you're together, just bring up the subject and see what happens. Don't admit to being in love with her or profess it in a do or die situation. That only only works in movies. Just talk it out rationally. Its the safest bet.
EDIT
Massage Therapist?
Dude, do whatever it takes. <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif'><!--endemo-->
Matter of fact is, I don't think friendships just break up like that when they've lasted so long. I have a friend from childhood, known him for almost nineteen years now and still going strong. He's more like a brother for me. I'm not talking to him much these days, since there's a border and a few hundred kilometres between us, but the same holds true for my sister and my parents, and I'm not just forgetting about them.
In fact, this brings me to another point that may or may not be an issue for you: Do you think of her as a sister, and does this trouble you?
Either way, you should seek clarity in this case. I think it's clear what you want (or at least what you'd want in the optimal case). Us forumites can only help you to a certain extent. I'll tell you this from own experience: Missed opportunities will haunt you for years to come. Rejection only kills you for a month or two (and clears the mind).
A member of the german punk band Die Ärzte sings that "it doesn't matter what you are, as long as it makes you happy". Like most of us, you have grown up in the belief that career is the defining factor of your life. I've at long last come to realize that this holds true only as far as you believe in it. What I'm saying here should be clear.
Well, Shaggy, I think the issue here is just that you do feel something for her, and that the "fooling around" basically activated something that lies dormant in many men, the protective-alpha male mentality. Even if it was not meant to be anything, your unconscious mind made it into something because of the long-standing friendship and the fact that you have feelings of any kind for her. I know that this is how my mind worked. I'll explain:
About five or six years ago I got a little "serious" with my long-time friend Riley. We got a little carried away in our Truth or Dare "if you stay up to X time you do this" thing. We kissed, granted it was a shy awkward kiss, but still a kiss. Even though nothing happened for years, my mind entered into this protective mindset, where basically no one else was allowed to be with her. Then at the near-end of Junior year of high school (Two-two and a half years ago) she got a boyfriend, Bob (name changed for his sake). Now, I didn't really know about him until she called me up and told me (we live in seperate states). My first reaction was the knee-jerk reaction to want to kill the guy. So, I visit her that summer, and I find her to be changed a bit, more emotional and somewhat naive and trusting of Bob. Now, skip to Dec 8th 2002. She had broken up with Bob, though I didn't know when, and she finally decides that she wants to be with me. Well, it's Nov 27th 2003 and we're still together, though now my faith in myself, in life, in everything is a bit shaken now. I found out tonight that she broke up with Bob Dec 1st, after she had sex with him one time. He was her first boyfriend. If I had any decent alcohol and no parent in the house, i'd be pulling a Burr right now and drowning my sorrows in spirits. but, back to you.
I think it's because something did happen once that you do feel protective of her and that hurt you when she ultimately rejected you and chose someone else. Your mind seeks to compensate by wanting to drown the mental anguish in spirits. I can only say that it will give you a chance to find yourself, to see what you truly are on the inside.
and Jammer, that is 100% true. girls are the root of all evil, except one. Linus Thorvald (j/k)
Lolfighter for Commander and Love Therapist 3.1
lol
could it also be that in order to shield yourself from possible rejection from other girls, your mind has created an overzealous attachment to this Ireland girl? i don't mean to trod on your feeling for this girl, but only trying to offer possible help. <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
You aren't treading on my feelings, but aren't completely right, either. I meant the 'not getting close to her' in a strictly physical sense (to echo the quote I was commenting on) - I was good friends with her for several years. I'm also quite familiar with what I'm going through right now: I just tend to invest myself into a person once I realize I feel more than a little affection for her, so it takes its time to get over it again.
Thanks for the kind words <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif'><!--endemo-->
Plus you end up with a lot of 'feeling hang-ups', and these rankle & hurt so much more when things don't work out, than with just some random woman you go out with.
I told you so. Oh wait, I didn't. Well. it's very very hard to find someone to sincerely love you. This is true. What may not be true is that it's so hard as to be impossible. That is my official stance however. I love to fool around but I never trust the women. Because I know that they will continue fooling around.
actually it cant if you get caughtz0rz :X :X :X :X
dont use it
just tell her yer feelings be like yo yo yo skank i love j00 in all "elite" hax0r talkz0rz too on m3553/\/g3|2 cuz thats "elite"