5000 Bc
P-Khan
Join Date: 2003-05-27 Member: 16776Members
Join Date: 2003-05-27 Member: 16776Members
<div class="IPBDescription">The birth of the Kharaa</div> For the record, I'm probably gonna stop writing my last story, <i>Feelings</i>.
It's kinda hard to do phylosophical talks when all I want is pure, good ol' action.
My next story happens during the year 5000 BC (really old), here at Earth. And I'm only gonna be able to write during the weekends, so when I'm away, please don't let this post die. Of course, if you guys don't like the story, then let it go.
And now, for the story.....
It's kinda hard to do phylosophical talks when all I want is pure, good ol' action.
My next story happens during the year 5000 BC (really old), here at Earth. And I'm only gonna be able to write during the weekends, so when I'm away, please don't let this post die. Of course, if you guys don't like the story, then let it go.
And now, for the story.....
Comments
<b>Epoch of Humanity</b>
"My father was a noble man, at King Nauticus' court. He had served the Hahken clan for generations, and during the Hahken Revolt, my father supported King Nauticus. When Nauticus managed to seize the throne from the late King Momentus, he gave his sister's hand, Marina, to my father. I was the first of the 3 brothers to be born. Our family lived a life of luxury and glamour. Every night, we would have grand feasts at our home. Every morning, we would have banquets awaiting us. I was tought on the arts of science and reasoning. On the briliance of war stratagy. To appreciate the suttle patterns of nature. I was brought up to succed the throne of Atlantis."
My name is Arkilus. Arkilus of Yanstu. And I will tell you the story of how our glorious civilisation went from it's greatest epoch, to it's terrible fate.
Chapter 1
The light of the newborn sun entered my room, bathing it's golden beams against my face. I slowly opened my eyes, to see that I was inside my private room. I turned my head to the right. The plasma clock was showing that it was 6:00am. Still very sleepy, I got out of my soft, and tender bed and looked outside my window. The waves were splashing against my home's rock structure, making a most pleasent sound. Two seabird argued about a fish, who was desperatly trying to escape the beaks of the two birds. I heard distant footsteps comming closer and closer to my room. The wooden handles of my chamberdoor turned, and the family servant, Julius, entered.
"Good morning young master. Your father told me to warn you that breakfast will be held at King Nauticus's court. He told me to warn you that in 20 minutes, he will be awaiting you at the docks" said the trustworthy servant "Can I get you anything young master?"
Julius bowed, as he always did. I felt sorry for the old man, who could hardly stand up right. "No Julius, thank you very much" I replied.
The old servent bowed once again, and left the room. My neck was hurting. I got a few needles from my stone desk, and inserted against my aching part. The pain quickly was gone. Ah, how modern medicine worked wonders!
I swiftly changed my sleeping clothes into my morning clothes. I went to the washroom, and threw a handfull of water against my face. I looked at the mirror. My long, blond hair was as smooth as my bed. My blue eyes were still looking a bit tired, but it would soon be gone. I smiled at my own reflection and left my chamber. I founded my self outside, walking at bridge, connecting my room to the docks. The sun showed that it was 6:15am. I walked slowly to the other side of the bridge, looking at the view. The ocean seemed endless, but I knew it wasn't. I looked at the other side and saw the cannals leading to the main island. What a beautiful view that was. The white bricks, composing the several cicrcles which made Atlantis, were shining due to the sun. The cannals were busy, since people were going to work. The emblems of the several families infested the waters of Atlantis. And at the end of the horizon, was the Great Pyramid of Atlantis, with it's diamond resting on top of it. What a beauty.
I looked at the sun's position. 6:22am! I'm late! I jumped up and ran towards the wooden door, leading down to the docks. The corridor was full of light, and at the end, were the ship was waiting, my father stood there. He had his long ropes, ready to speak with the King. 2 minutes late, and he was exploding like a vulcan. His face was plain, but scary.
"You are late. Get in now!" he roard to me.
I, as any good son, entered the boat. I sat down and waited for my father. He began to scream, saying that if I continued that way, I will never be made King, and so on. OH! Now a remember. My father was trying to make me marry the Princess! That ugly beast! If he only knew that I was seeing the princess's younger sister, Marieta. And she was not the next person in line for the throne.
The ship zoomed at the royal cannal, leading strait to the palace. I was feeling awkward as we got closer and closer to the palace. It was as though the King wasn't only want to have a friendly chat with my father.....
Spelling, grammar, and some wierd nuances ruined this for me.
<!--QuoteBegin--></span><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin-->I looked at the sun's position. 6:22am!<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Please, we're going to believe this kid can tell the time to the minute just by looking at the sun?
Spelling and grammar mistakes were rare, so they can slide. But I strongly suggest you write in Microsoft Word before transfering over. Let's see, what else? Try to go a bit more in depth into things. When I was reading the part about his ship, I immediately think of a space ship. Simply because of the time period natural-selection is set in. Speaking of: This also immediately confused me. What is the purpose of this writing? I'm honestly baffled about this piece. It's well written, it's got potential, but when I'm reading it, I felt like I had opened to a random page in a book and began reading, hoping to pick up on plot on the way. The birth of human kind? I guess this is where it gets shakey for me, it's just... bizarre. But anyway... if you're going to explain this in the future, by all means, do so. That's your perogative. I know that's what I'm doing with my story. So take these comments lightly, they're just my impressions of reading this piece by itself.
Book the First tells the origins of the Kharaa species.
The other two.... you'll just have to wait and see.
By the way, the next chapter is on Friday. If you like it, please don't let this post die until then. <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif'><!--endemo-->
PS: spinviper, what exactly you don't like? The title? The story?
Chapter 2a
The ship seemed to be floating on the blue waters of Atlantis. The sails were pushing the ship towards the palace with great speed. The wind was hitting my face, and my hair was flying around. I began to feel cold, eventhough the sun was strong. The lower-deck was warmer, so I went downstairs. The dark wooden floor made squicky noises. The short corridor, which lead to the family chamber was darker than usual. It seemed as though a suprise was about to happen. Not a pleasent one though. I proceded down the corridor, and found the chamber door. It was darker than the wood used as the floor, and had a ruby doorhandle, which posesed the blood of everyone of my family indisde. This was a strange tradition of the family. Every door handle leading to a room which belonged to our family had our blood.
The room had a better atmosphere. The walls were painted with a beige colour, resembling sand. At the centre of the room, was a round table, with the family's simbol at the centre. A huge, yellow Y, with a blue snake wrapping it. At one end, there was a small bookshelf, which contained books for light reading. And adjacent to the entrance was a large window, and my father looking outside. He turned slowly at me, and showed his weary face. He had a long, gray hair, and a wrinkled face. Two, huge blue, jelly eyes, and a fair face. He was an old man. He closed his eyes, and noded at me. He knew what I was going to ask. I was going to ask if we were getting to the palace. He began to look outside. And I left the room, to uper-deck.
Next part of the chapter I'll write when I get home, and have time. Plz, excuse any spelling or grammar mistakes this time. I only had, like 5 minutes to write this <!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif'><!--endemo--> )
He stole my name <!--emo&:(--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/sad.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='sad.gif'><!--endemo-->
LoL, Like the story please keep it going.
I'll promise I'll try to finish this, I just need to find the time..... But when I do, I'll definatly finish this!!!!!!
<!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif'><!--endemo-->:D