Joke Thread
Comprox
*chortle*Canada Join Date: 2002-01-23 Member: 7Members, Super Administrators, Forum Admins, NS1 Playtester, NS2 Developer, Constellation, NS2 Playtester, Reinforced - Shadow, WC 2013 - Silver, Subnautica Developer, Subnautica Playtester, Pistachionauts
*chortle*Canada Join Date: 2002-01-23 Member: 7Members, Super Administrators, Forum Admins, NS1 Playtester, NS2 Developer, Constellation, NS2 Playtester, Reinforced - Shadow, WC 2013 - Silver, Subnautica Developer, Subnautica Playtester, Pistachionauts
OK guys, here is the rules. Post jokes, keep em clean though, we don't want to have to close my own post <!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif'><!--endemo--> And try not to spam, editing posts is encouraged!
So, to start it off, a joke that makes ye groan:
A pirate walks into the bar. The barman sees a steering wheel around his fly zipper and kindly asks whats up with it. The pirate replies "arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"
So, to start it off, a joke that makes ye groan:
A pirate walks into the bar. The barman sees a steering wheel around his fly zipper and kindly asks whats up with it. The pirate replies "arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"
Comments
(actually, it was pretty funny)
I will go with the joke that was voted funniest in some british research program or something like that..
Sherlock holmes and Dr Watson were camping together one night, Dr watson looks up at the stars and ask Sherlock what he deduces from the sky overhead. Sherlock said "That there are many stars out there, and becasue of the amount of stars there has to be another planet out there that has intellegent life on it." Then Sherlock asked Dr watson what he deduced from the stars and the sky over head, and Dr watson said "I deduce that somebody stole out tent"
I think that is how it goes
Take away it's credit card <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif'><!--endemo-->
The end.
Due to the circumstances they agree that they can only carry one item with them to make it out of the desert alive.
The Englishman goes up to the jeep and pulls out a large box full of food "In case I get hungry"
The Scotsman goes up to the jeep and pulls out a large flask full of cold water "In case I get thristy"
The Irishman goes up to the jeep and pulls one of the doors off.
The Englishman and scotsman both confused at what just happened, enquire "Why did you take a door?"
The Irishman replied "If it gets hot, I can just crack a window"
HAHAHAHA!!! ROFL!! That was great
ROFLHAHAHAHA
(Note to Comprox: Edit this and be dead... DEAD!!!)
Do Newfie jokes count? <!--emo&;)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/wink.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='wink.gif'><!--endemo--> And yes, I realize these are basically the icing on Greedo's brilliant literary caek. <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif'><!--endemo-->
(<i>and yes, I <b>am</b> a Newf... check the profile</i> <!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif'><!--endemo-->)
<!--QuoteBegin--></span><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin-->Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Newfie, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
*Sad to say, hilarous, but no also*
<!--QuoteBegin--></span><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin-->
This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Newfoundland, and even when it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale it's real. This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no car went by, the storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him and stop. The guy without thinking about it got in the car closes the door just to realize there's nobody behind the wheel.
The car starts slowly, the guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way, scared he starts to pray begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are before a curve.
The guy gathering strength gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock goes to a bar and asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying and wasn't drunk. About half an hour later two guys walked in the same bar and one said to the other. "Look Jimmy, that's the moron that got in the car when we were pushing it."<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
I win. :D
I win. <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif'><!--endemo--> <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
Yes you do
TO GET TO THE OTHERSIDE!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
I kill me.
"I made mad, passionate love to my wife last night no less than 13 times. In the morning, she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she couldn't love another man," boasts the Frenchman.
"Indeed. I made love to my wife no less than 20 times throughout the night. In the morning, she brought me breakfast in bed and told me she wouldn't ever be able to imagine being with another man," boasts the German.
Both wait expectantly for the American to comment. "What about you?" prompts the Frenchman after several moments. "How many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," says the American.
"Once?!?" cries the German. "I should have guessed. What did she say to you in the morning?"
The American looks at him through tired eyes. " 'Don't stop!' "
-Ryan!
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
It's been done. Now, let's stay on topic.
1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special?)
12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (****! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to ?)
17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)
20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST. (Buts its JUST a suggestion)
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY. (Damn, Looks like little Timmy wont be driving the bulldozer today )
26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)
27. Canada
Here's a bad one... What's the captial of Turkey? T!
Terrible Comprox...Just terrible.
ouch.
ding 500 posts <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif'><!--endemo--> <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif'><!--endemo--> <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif'><!--endemo-->
The pediatrician says to the other two, "Save the children, we must save the children!"
The Lawyer says "Screw the children!"
The Catholic priest says, "Do we have time?"
Also....
c:\dos>
c:\dos> run
"Run DOS Run!"
Suffice to say, the three are captured, and taken to the cannibal's camp where a large fire roared beneath a massive black cookpot. The three were tied at the elbows, ankles, knees and wrists, watching the cannibals prepare the water in the pot. The chief walked up to the three, and told them they'd all have one last request prior to being consumed. The American asked for his revolver, and was cut loose, given the revolver, one bullet and held at spearpoint. He said "God Bless America" and shot himself in the head. The Englishman requested his hunting knife, said "God Save the Queen" and plunged the knife into his heart. The Frenchman, much to the chief's amusement, asked for a fork. The chief said, "You are going to BE dinner, not a guest for dinner." The Frenchman laughed, began stabbing himself all over his body and cried "That may be so, but you're not making a boat out of me!!!!"
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.
You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre.
Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0.60 or you cut the supply.
When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now wants RM1.20.
The buyer decided you can keep the milk and they go look for milk that comes from recycled cows.
Your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.
A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
One cow-peh and one cow-bu.
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So these three couples die, and go to heaven. When they get there, God tells them that they each get a car based on how many times they cheated on their spouses. The first guy cheated on his wife 4 times, so he gets a station wagon. The second guy cheated on his wife once, and gets a, uh, okay car. The third guy never cheated on his wife, and gets a Ferrari or something. The next day, the second guy goes up to the third guy, who is crying. He asks "What's wrong?" and the guy goes "I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"
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So these two Canadians go fishing. They rent a boat, go out, and catch a whole lot of fish. One of them goes "We should put an X on the bottom of the boat, so we can find this spot when we go fishing tommorow!" then the second guy goes "No, stupid! What if we don't rent the same boat?"
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Q: How many priests do you bring on a fishing trip?
A: 2. If you bring one, he will drink all your beer. Bring 2, and neither will touch it.
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The train leaves for Seattle at 4:30, Chicago at 7:25, and Canada when the big hand is on the 8 and the little hand is on the 5.
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Q: What did the turtle who got mugged by two snails tell the police?
A: It all happened so fast!
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Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 3. One to hold the giraffe and two to shovel clocks into the bathtub.
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Q: How many Zen monks does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one not to change it.
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem (S) = Solution
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
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(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
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(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
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(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
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(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
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(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
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(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
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(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
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(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)
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(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for
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(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
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(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics
ouch.
ding 500 posts <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif'><!--endemo--> <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif'><!--endemo--> <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif'><!--endemo--> <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><span class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
OMG you tottaly stole my thoughts!!! Ok gotta think up a joke..... err..... hmm.... ok I got it!
Canada
Priest and a rabi walk into a bar
"OW!"
"OY!"
a: <span style='color:red'>***NUKED***</span>