Athena's Plunge: A Subnautica Story

FalsonePlaysFalsonePlays Nauxes Join Date: 2017-05-27 Member: 230791Members
Hello, forums! After having read Aurora Falls, Borealis Rises, and various others, I have been inspired to write my own story! Let's see... The main character will be named Nicholas after myself... He'll be on the Aurora as pilot of the Athena, a submersible / Orbital Maintenance Craft prototype that looks like the Great White concept... Loves space... Yeah, let's do this! PROLOGUE!!

I stood at the window, looking out at the beauty in front of me that was space. I know, kinda cheesy when you pretty much LIVE in space, but to me it was absolutely gorgeous. To think that everything we see was formed billions of years ago, and yet it was absolutely elegant to see the universe in all of its glory. I heard a chime come over my earpiece and a voice began to speak. "Sir, the Athena is currently being loaded into the Aurora's largest cargo bay near the engines. I recommend that you make way to the gate for boarding." It was C.A.R.S.O.N., my personal AI with his british male voice. "Alright, C.A.R.S.O.N., I got it. I just wanted to get one last look before being confined to a small window on the Aurora. Remind me what I'm going on this trip for?" I questioned. "Well, sir, you are one of Alterra's best engineers, and you designed the Athena for phasegate building missions. Alterra wanted you to test out the Athena and her capabilities in action before fully employing them." He responded crisply.
"Ah, right."
A loud buzz came over the intercom of the spaceport. "All crew of the Alterra Phasegate Construction Vessel 'Aurora,' please make your way towards Gate 11. Your flight leaves in T- 1 hour," said a calming female voice. I made my way towards the Gate and got my first real glance at her.
She was massive. Big enough to accommodate over 2000 people and then some for over 3 years! It's a bit overkill for only a phasegate building mission with 260-ish crew. Nevertheless I decided to keep walking towards the Entrance Gate. A young female dressed in a cliche sailors uniform walked up to me and asked, " Excuse me, are you Nicholas Falsone, Captain of the Athena Project on the Aurora?" I was taken by surprise for a moment, but soon responded, "Uh, yes. Why do you ask?"
"Here is your Alterra PDA for the mission," she said as she held one out, marked in gold with my name, "and I would like to wish you the best of luck on the mission. Also, the second you get back, Alterra will evaluate whether or not the Great White series will be launched."
I quickly thanked her and walked up the boarding ramp to the Aurora. I wanted to get to my room ASAP so I could make sure my things were all there and go check on the Athena. I made my way to the major crew wing in the Crew Quarters. I found my room, Number 1754, and entered my code. I walked in to see my bags on the bed and a control with two buttons on it. "'Hull Up' and 'Hull Down?'" I said aloud. I pressed the Hull Down button and the wall to the exterior of the Aurora split and moved out of the way, revealing a window looking out into space.
Oh yeah, this is gonna be a good trip.

So, what do ya'll think?


  • CaptainFearlessCaptainFearless CO, US Join Date: 2016-12-14 Member: 224941Members
  • FalsonePlaysFalsonePlays Nauxes Join Date: 2017-05-27 Member: 230791Members

    ...Yeah, I guess it can be. I'm ah... One of those guys that gets straight to the point.
  • ThunderShock27ThunderShock27 America Join Date: 2017-02-13 Member: 227880Members
    Seeing 'confusing' being the only comment you've gotten so far, just really made me wanna comment to say this is good! Some real potential here. I look forward to seeing how you continue in the first chapter!
  • ShuttleBugShuttleBug USA Join Date: 2017-03-15 Member: 228943Members
    Nice potential, would love to see where you decide to take this!
  • RecursionRecursion The cosmos Join Date: 2017-07-01 Member: 231505Members
    not bookmarking this yet, but I'll keep an eye on it.
  • FalsonePlaysFalsonePlays Nauxes Join Date: 2017-05-27 Member: 230791Members
    edited July 2017
    @ThunderShock27 and @ShuttleBug thank you! I have a good chunk of this already thought of, so be prepared for more story to come! Also, have any of you seen the "Easter Egg" in the prologue. Here's a hint: a six letter, british male AI is what C.A.R.S.O.N. is based off of. What is the AI's name?
  • Timelord_FredTimelord_Fred Join Date: 2017-07-05 Member: 231596Members
    Great start! I hope to see more soon
  • Timelord_FredTimelord_Fred Join Date: 2017-07-05 Member: 231596Members
    @ThunderShock27 and @ShuttleBug thank you! I have a good chunk of this already thought of, so be prepared for more story to come! Also, have any of you seen the "Easter Egg" in the prologue. Here's a hint: a six letter, british male AI is what C.A.R.S.O.N. is based off of. What is the AI's name?

  • FalsonePlaysFalsonePlays Nauxes Join Date: 2017-05-27 Member: 230791Members
    I was doing final checks on the Athena when it happened. I had met my crew on the Athena only a few days after launch. A young woman named Delilah was my first mate, a pair of siblings named Jimmy and John were my technicians (Though they can make one hell of a sandwich), and my scientists were a female named Alexis, and two males named James and Daniel. We were all onboard the Athena performing our daily systematic checks. I was in the engine room performing a checkup on the main Arc Reactor that powered the ship. It's built to withstand alot, but it still has it's flaws.
    "The Arc Reactor is currently in a stable, offline state due to being connected to the Aurora. I am, however, detecting a small fluctuation in its connection to the Seamoth and PRAWN Charging Units. I recommend that yo-" I didn't get to hear what he would've said next as a booming explosion echoed in the cargo bay. It was followed by C.A.R.S.O.N. frantically saying, "Sir! Aurora has sustained 17% hull damage and Aurora Primary Engine 1 has been knocked offline!" I quickly responded as I ran upstairs to Athena's bridge, "Which means WHAT, C.A.R.S.O.N.?"
    "It MEANS that the Aurora is on a crash course with the planet!"
    I had finally reached the bridge and saw my crew waiting for me there. I started barking orders as soon as I got to the helm. "C.A.R.S.O.N., open the bay doors. Jimmy, John, disengage all external power sources. Delilah, pull the release lever, on my mark!"
    A second explosion rocked the Aurora and the ship's female AI, J.U.N.O., urged, "Warning! Hull failure imminent! All personel, abandon ship!" C.A.R.S.O.N. blared through my earpiece with, "Sir, cargo bay doors are open! Disengage, now!" I yelled towards Delilah one word. "Mark!"
    I felt the ship lurch and fire towards to watery planet. I yelled out, "BRACE FOR IMPACT!!"
    I couldn't say or do much more before a loose matinence panel hit me square in the face and knocked me uncouncious. The last thing I saw was an underwater land, filled with red grass.
  • FalsonePlaysFalsonePlays Nauxes Join Date: 2017-05-27 Member: 230791Members
    @ThunderShock27 and @ShuttleBug thank you! I have a good chunk of this already thought of, so be prepared for more story to come! Also, have any of you seen the "Easter Egg" in the prologue. Here's a hint: a six letter, british male AI is what C.A.R.S.O.N. is based off of. What is the AI's name?


    Correct! I based C.A.R.S.O.N. off of Iron Man's J.A.R.V.I.S.!
  • CaptainFearlessCaptainFearless CO, US Join Date: 2016-12-14 Member: 224941Members
    It's good! Sorry for a bad first comment. I really like it, I just got a little lost... :P
  • FalsonePlaysFalsonePlays Nauxes Join Date: 2017-05-27 Member: 230791Members

    After three long, grueling days of checking, double checking, and checking a third time, we finally finished repairs and system checks on the Athena. Over the days, C.A.R.S.O.N. kept giving warnings on the condition of the Aurora's Drive Core and it's damage, but I was confident it would be fine.
    After all, I designed the Drive Core's shield.
    We had all gathered at the bridge to discuss plans and supplies at the moment and what to do to gather more. "Maybe we can try to use the environment. There seems to be a large amount of fauna on this planet, most of which could be edible," John stated. "That could be a viable option, however we need to confirm what's hostile and what's docile," I pointed out. "How do we do that?" James asked. Alexis beat me to the explanation.
    "Well, we could take out Karen and Bubblebutt and see which of the local fauna attack it." Karen and Bubblebutt were our two Seamoths, alongside Pepper, our only PRAWN Suit. "That is a very viable option, and our only one. So, unless you want to go out there with only a Seaglide, most of you will need to stay here. Me and Daniel will scout the fauna, see what's edible.
    I made way for my quarters, a room no bigger than a couple of I-Corridors. I was suiting up into a wet suit when C.A.R.S.O.N. chimed over my earpiece, this time with a message that chilled me to the bone. "EMERGENCY! Seismic readings indicate that a small quantum detonation has occurred in the Aurora's Drive Core." I was already at Athena's helm, steering her away from the Aurora and yelling at the others to brace for sudden acceleration.
    " T- 10, 9..." I switched Athena into Ahead Flank speed and sped her away from the Aurora. "...7, 6, 5..." The crew was sitting strapped in, awaiting the Aurora's imminent eruption. "...T-t-thre-ee... Tw-wo-o-o..."
    I felt the Athena list towards her bow, propelled forward by the Aurora's blast force. I smacked my head against the main wheel, and the best thing I saw was black.

    ...I woke up to C.A.R.S.O.N. speaking dryly through my earpiece. "Warning! Shallow waters within radius of ship. Proceeding forwards is not recommended." I have a long sigh and heaved myself out of the pilot's seat. The rest of the crew was still unconscious from the blast, which is understandable. I made my way to the Seamoth and PRAWN Bay. If this is a new area, I needed to scout. I clambered into Bubblebutt, it's bright pink interior and red & black exterior shining. The bay doors opened and I was released from Athena. I propelled forward towards a shallow area full of life and fish. I passed one with a gas-mask for a face and a large tail with yellow bioluminescent spots, and another that looked like a boomerang. But what struck me as most curious was that as I was traveling, I saw something... man-made. Something that had been on the Aurora. It was a single floating lifepod with a large 5 painted in bioluminescent red paint on its front and rear.
    There are more survivors.
    Question is: How many?
  • Timelord_FredTimelord_Fred Join Date: 2017-07-05 Member: 231596Members
    Amazing story. Let me say you write really fast
  • FalsonePlaysFalsonePlays Nauxes Join Date: 2017-05-27 Member: 230791Members

    I entered Bubblebutt's airlock sequence into the console and waited patiently as the ship filled with water. Soon after she filled I opened the hatch and swam into the new environment. I saw so many vibrant colors and different fish around me, the fauna in the area swimming around without a care. I slowly approached the lifepod, being cautious of any predators in the area. I swam to the underside of the pod and took a hold of the handle placed in the floor. I pushed upwards on the glass and the hatch swung inwards with ease. I was taken slightly aback by this, for the hatches on a lifepod are always locked during and after launch and must be unlocked from the inside...
    Someone had already left this pod.
    I climbed inside through the hatch and took a look around. Everything seemed functional, from the fabricator to the lifepod's primary systems, to the Communications Relay on the southern wall. Either this craft had survived the decent into atmosphere perfectly, or someone had found a way to fix it with items found in the environment. I opened the storage locker revealing titanium, lubricant, and other miscellaneous items. As I was rummaging through the storage compartment, I heard the hatch at the top of the pod open and close and felt a survival knife press against my neck. I raised my hands up and placed them behind my head. A voice started to speak.
    "Who are you, and what are you doing in my pod?" I gave a small chuckle and responded calmly with, "Heh... c'mon, bucko, don't you know how to greet an old friend?" The man was taken slightly aback by my courage and loosened his grip slightly. I took the opportunity.
    I grabbed his arm and snatched the knife out of his hand. I turned around and slammed him against the ladder in the middle of the pod. I could see the fear in his eyes, reflecting his own shocked expression. I spoke calmly, trying to get him to loosen up. "Heh, I like your style, kid. What's your name?" He spoke in a wavery voice.
    "M-my name's Mark." Mark. He was one of the engineers aboard Aurora, Squadron 3. I dropped him from my grip and he collapsed to the floor. He muttered a phrase under his breath, which was, from what I can tell, "I hate the ocean..."
    I helped him back up and introduced myself. "Well, Mark, my name is Nicholas. I am captain of the Athena, a vessel that was on board the Aurora for it's test trial. It is currently sitting about... 187 meters away in an area filled with what looks like red grasses." Mark looked at me with a hopeful look on his face. "How many more are alive?" His question startled me slightly, but there was no point in hiding it.
    "So far, only six others." His happiness didn't falter, in fact his smile only increased. He leaped in joy at the news and frantically asked, "When can we leave?" I put my hands on his shoulders and got his attention. "We can leave whenever you're ready." He nearly screamed, "LET'S GO NOW!" I could only laugh at his enthusiasm.
    We climbed out of the pod and swam to Bubblebutt. Mark climbed into the back space behind the seat and I got into the driver's position. I drained the capsule and we sped off towards the Athena
    Looks like I've got a new crew member on board!
  • FalsonePlaysFalsonePlays Nauxes Join Date: 2017-05-27 Member: 230791Members
    How's everyone liking the story so far?
  • matijas_05matijas_05 Join Date: 2017-03-01 Member: 228454Members
    edited July 2017
    So many Markiplier references!

    Loving the story so far :blush:
  • FalsonePlaysFalsonePlays Nauxes Join Date: 2017-05-27 Member: 230791Members
    edited July 2017

    Avery Quinn walked into the cockpit of his cargo vessel, the Sunbeam. She wasn't much, be she was reliable. Over the past day he had received a distress call from the Ariadne Arm with vessel ID APGS-A132B, APGS standing for "Alterra Phasegate Ship" and A132B being the serial number, in this case it was registered to a brand new ship, featured in headlines like a newly claimed squadron of space.
    The TSS Aurora.
    He had already tried to sent one message to them, but got no response. Typical. He reached for the microphone and cleared his throat. A red light blinked, giving him the signal to start.
    "This is Avery Quinn of trading ship Sunbeam, Aurora, do you read?" He waited for a moment, hoping for someone to answer. He bowed his head and said, sadly, "Still nothing. Ugh, these Alterra ships!" He turned to the pilot. "They run out of engine grease, they send an SOS. You offer to help? They don't pick up!" He turned back to the microphone. "Aurora, we're out on the far side of the system, it's gonna take more than a week to reach your position. Do you still need assistance?" He paused. "I'll try them again tomorrow." He turned to the navigational officer. "See what the long range scans pick up in the meantime. Damn charter's gonna have us wasting out profit margin doing errands for Alterra."
    He turned off the transmitter and the pilot, Kennedy Richards, spoke. "Sir, the message is off. I'm starting to scan the planet. I'll inform you if anything comes up." Quinn responded, "Good, keep it that way."


    The crew of the Athena sat in silence after the transmission ended. James was the first to speak. "So they're coming to get us! Right?" I shook my head and said, "Yes, but it won't matter anyways." Mark looked up and gave me a frown. "Why not?" He inquired. "They'll come, land, pick us up, and we'll be home free!"
    I let out a long sigh and said, "No... not exactly son. The Aurora was shot down by... something. I'm not sure what, but it had to be powerful to take her down that easy. Yes, they will come. But they won't land." C.A.R.S.O.N. finished for me. "The Aurora was a Trident Class Phasegate construction vessel. Sunbeam is only a mere Bulldog Class trading vessel. Aurora was taken down in two shots. According to my calculations, a blast that powerful would blow the Sunbeam into nonexistence." We all sat in silence again, before Delilah broke the silence with a quiet sob. I could tell C.A.R.S.O.N. was upset as well, as the familiar hum of his speakers had faded.
    I tried to take command. "I know things look grim, but we can do this. We need to find whatever shot down Aurora, and disable it. How we disable it? I don't know. But I do know how we can find it." The crew looked up somberly. "Aurora has a sort of black box / quicksave device, located in her primary Darkmatter Drive Core. Problem is, the path is irradiated. However, Mark over here has found a lead deposit in the area in which he calls 'The Safe Shallows.' If we can get enough lead, we can make lead lined radiation suits for all of us. Once we do, we enter the Aurora, get to the Drive Core, patch it up, and retrieve the black box data from the terminal. It'll be risky, and for all we know, the black box was destroyed. But, there is still hope. I know we can do this, and I know that we will survive. What do y'all say?" I put my hand out, and soon everyone had joined. I shouted out, "ATHENA ON THREE, ATHENA ON THREE! ONE, TWO, THREE," we all shouted out, "ATHENA!!!"
    I could hear the moan of a Reefback in the distance, joining in on our chant. Heh, we are a determined bunch, aren't we?

    (Sorry again for the late post! I like to take the weekend to relax and play video ganes, so, yeah!)
  • FalsonePlaysFalsonePlays Nauxes Join Date: 2017-05-27 Member: 230791Members

    After searching and laboring for a day, the crew and I had finally gathered enough materials for radiation suits. I stood at the helm, preparing Athena for departure to the Aurora. Or at least, what was left. The explosion not only caused the Athena to soaring through the ocean, but it also blew of the front of the giant vessel and knocked down the bridge / communications tower. There was no way to repair Aurora now. All we could do is patch up the Particle Containment Field to stop the radiation from leaking out before any more damage could occur. I was finishing final engine and system checks when C.A.R.S.O.N. came over the intercom.
    "Attention all crew, please report to the Communications Relay. A new message has arrived." I practically ran to the relay, running down the stairs and into a couple of my crew. The second I reached the panel I smashed the "PLAY" button and the message was broadcast through the ship.
    "Aurora, it's Sunbeam again. We just picked up a massive debris field at your location. I didn't know how bad... uh, how many of you... ugh, I didn't know. We are now en route to your location. We're going to bring you home. Sunbeam out." I thought he had finished, but I heard him yelling at someone turned away from the mic. "What else can I say?! 'We're a six seater, and we aren't even SLIGHTLY equipped to handle this?!' Oh, it's a bad situation, but so are all the alternatives."
    I stood stunned. He was coming for us. And we weren't ready. The crew had gathered around, each one just as stunned as me.
    I snapped out of my shock-induced trance. Turning to the hallway, I shouted over my shoulder at the crew. "Man your stations! We're setting sail in 3 minutes!" I marched back up the stairs and into the bridge, spouting commands at C.A.R.S.O.N. "Start engines and switch into Standard Speed. Lock all Seamoth and PRAWN Bays. Allocate a Laser Cutter, two Welders, eight Scanners, and make sure everyone equips a radiation suit." C.A.R.S.O.N. spoke with a tone of annoyance in his artificial voice, "Yes, Sir, will that be all?" I thought for a few moments in the captain's chair, and I though of one thing that would throw a curveball at the pitcher.
    "Actually, one more thing. Initiate Protocol 342, codename 'BLACK STEEL.'" C.A.R.S.O.N. was taken slightly aback by this notion and took a few moments to process my request. Finally he responded with, "Sir, are you sure? It will take a few days to fabricate it, even with a steady supply of resources."
    "C.A.R.S.O.N., of course I'm sure. I was waiting for the right time, and now seems proper. So, might as well, huh?" I noticed that the crew was on the bridge awaiting commands. I gave a small chuckle at myself and spoke out. "Alright crew, I believe it's time we set sail! What do you say?" They all cheered, except for C.A.R.S.O.N. When I asked him why, he told me, "Well, you told me to let everyone know to put on their Radiation Suit." I responded with, "Yes. Aaaand?" That's when he hit me with a phrase that made me facepalm to the max.
    "Sir, please put on your Radiation Suit," he said dryly.
    God damnit...

    (I have made the decision to upload every other day, starting today! Hope you enjoy!)
  • Timelord_FredTimelord_Fred Join Date: 2017-07-05 Member: 231596Members
    edited July 2017
    This is a great story. This is undoubtedly my favorite of the fan fictions I have read on the forums (or anywhere else for that matter)
  • FalsonePlaysFalsonePlays Nauxes Join Date: 2017-05-27 Member: 230791Members
    @Timelord_Fred Thanks, though I wouldn't call myself one of the best. Try @Bugzapper or @Jamezorg or @ThunderShock27 or @scifiwriterguy 's stories! They're what inspired me, and they are MUCH better writers in my opinion.
  • CalvinTheDiverCalvinTheDiver A place Join Date: 2016-10-08 Member: 222971Members
    This has potential, but too many pop culture references might drag this story down. Also, I'm not sure a submarine/spaceship is possible, and the protagonist started with too much.
  • PaterAestusPaterAestus Join Date: 2017-01-03 Member: 225985Members
    This has potential, but too many pop culture references might drag this story down. Also, I'm not sure a submarine/spaceship is possible, and the protagonist started with too much.

    Still good nonetheless.
  • FalsonePlaysFalsonePlays Nauxes Join Date: 2017-05-27 Member: 230791Members
    This has potential, but too many pop culture references might drag this story down. Also, I'm not sure a submarine/spaceship is possible, and the protagonist started with too much.

    Fear not, my friend... much pain is to come. I'm just... warming up, per-say. >:D

    Also, a submarine / spaceship COULD be possible, as they both need to be airtight, have airlocks, and have a proper Center of Mass (CoM). All that would be needed to break the barrier is a powerful enough engine. Athena is powered by an industrial class Arc Reactor, invented by Nicholas himself after reading some old comics and watching some old superhero movies (You know which ones :smile: ). The Arc Reactor powers the ship and it's engines, however it's engines work like a current day ion drive: very efficient, but slow. It also has primary and secondary RCS thrusters built in for fine maneuvering and propulsion in space, however this means that Athena cannot get INTO space without a transport ship, IE the Aurora. It was being field tested for it's secondary function in assisting in the construction of phasegates on the Aurora when she was shot down. C.A.R.S.O.N. was designed long before Athena, but was later made him the primary AI for the mission. Finally: the pop culture references I will begin to limit, but at times I just can't help myself! Also, in the names of the crew in Chapter 1 there is a small Easter Egg involving the names of the technicians :wink: .
    Also, I'm not trying to come off as snarky or rude, I'm just saying how it all goes together in my mind.
    Hope you all are enjoying though!
    And remember, there will be tragedy to come.
    Just be patient.

  • JamezorgJamezorg United Kingdom Join Date: 2016-05-15 Member: 216788Members
    @Timelord_Fred Thanks, though I wouldn't call myself one of the best. Try @Bugzapper or @Jamezorg or @ThunderShock27 or @scifiwriterguy 's stories! They're what inspired me, and they are MUCH better writers in my opinion.

    Ah, pish. A story's a story, and yours is a great one :) Keep it up, and don't stop until the finish line.
  • fruitbat99fruitbat99 Join Date: 2017-07-20 Member: 231941Members
  • FalsonePlaysFalsonePlays Nauxes Join Date: 2017-05-27 Member: 230791Members
    fruitbat99 wrote: »
    Wow this is great! :)

    Glad you're enjoying it!
  • RecursionRecursion The cosmos Join Date: 2017-07-01 Member: 231505Members
    but star trek uses antimatter. All you need is enough exotic matter. that way you can create a "warp" field and warp along! or use the alcubieere-white drive, which bends space time. 4.1 light years in a few weeks.
  • the_marinerthe_mariner US of A Join Date: 2016-12-29 Member: 225653Members
    Falsone, I'm really sorry about this, but I'm afraid to say that this fanfiction needs a lot more improvement before it can really get off the ground.
    Here's a list of my reasons why:

    Nicholas...isn't a very good protagonist. For one, his decision-making process is rather flawed. Immediately after the Aurora explodes, you would assume that the logical thing to do would be to see if his crew is okay, correct? Instead, he decides to take Bubblebutt out on a spin to 'scout' the area. Never mind that his crew may be seriously injured, never mind that the Athena may be damaged from the shockwave, instead he's taking one of their only two Seamoths (which, mind you, aren't exactly easy to come by) out on a joyride. Another thing is that the story seems to bend to his will, preventing him from having any real setbacks. For instance, when Kapoor (who is a blatant plagiarism from the Martian, which I will cover later) approaches him for designing a colony vessel, Nicholas points out design flaws that should ALREADY HAVE BEEN COVERED.
    If you're going to be sending thousands of people into the void to colonize a whole new planet, CHECK YOUR GODDAMN SPECS. Kapoor should have a thorough understanding of what's being done with the Patsy Kline. Hell, he shouldn't just admit defeat when one engineer gets lippy with him! He's the goddamn Director of Colonization for Alterra, he should stand his ground and make his case for an antimatter engine, not just roll over and surrender! The whole things just reads like 'I am Nicholas I am the best everyone else sucks', which doesn't make anyone happy.
    At this point, I don't really care about any of the characters. They haven't been assigned any real personalities, so it's hard to tell them apart besides their names. In fact, there isn't even a physical description. Does Delilah have red hair? Where was Alexis born? What are their ambitions? How do they feel towards each other? We don't know, because they haven't been fleshed out. If you want the audience to empathize with your characters, give them unique traits, either physical or personal, to distinguish them from each other.
    The references are so abundant, it's approaching plagiaristic levels. Only taking names from, say, Markiplier or Jacksepticeye, is okay, since it's just a name, nothing else. However, stealing a character wholesale from The Martian is a BIG nono. CARSON is also a blatant ripoff of JARVIS, down to the British accent. Please, try to respect the works of other authors. (Also, please, PLEASE do not rip off Bugzapper with JUNO. The whole 'miei colleghi compagni di compagnia' thing is also awfully reminiscent of his work, despite being used only once.)
    As I mentioned in my first point, Nicholas doesn't have a very good decision-making process. Then again, neither does the narrative. It's just a chain of random events, which doesn't really have any coherence. One minute we're making repairs, the next we're on the Sunbeam, then we're seeing if the life forms are hostile (seriously, Alexis, you're supposedly this great female scientist, but your idea for checking if life forms are hostile is to go near them? What if the Seamoth or you are damaged or injured. What if the life forms respond only to specific stimuli? What then?)
    Finally, this story suffers from a severe case of 'tell don't show'. The dialogue and exposition is just kind of... there. There's no emotion to it. Nicholas, or Mark, or whoever, is just doing stuff. We want to see inside the characters' heads, and we want to see them react to stuff, not just coast their way through the story. Nicholas' backstory just reads like the writer's notes, not like something he went through. For instance: instead of describing his sadness at the real Carson's death, it just says he was devastated. (That's another thing: how can he base the AI CARSON off of the real Carson? It's not like he has a brain scan if the original Carson, because if so that hasn't been well-explained.)
    Again, I'm sorry if I'm coming off as rude, and I'm sorry I have to criticize your story so thoroughly. All I want to do is try and help you improve your writing. Please - just consider what I'm saying.
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