Hate our fate

SvenpaSvenpa Wait, what? Join Date: 2004-01-03 Member: 25012Members, Constellation
edited April 2007 in Fan-Fiction Forum
<div class="IPBDescription">On with the rhymeing!</div>Do not fear to enter a game
Containing poetry and fame
War rages between the teams
One with projectile beams
The other savage and clear
Their strongest creature induse fear
Without hesitation humans stood firm
Hellbent on destroying this worm
Trans System Authority they called
However the problem remains unsolved
Both have the right to fight
But who has the greatest might?
Kharaa, simple and protective
They have but one objective
To protect their precious hive
As long as they live
Humans had to react
When aliens started to interact
Our imbued nature came forth
We traveled strictly north
Now this menace shall burn
Teaching them a lesson they cannot learn
Many lay the killed
As the war continued to build
The end is nowhere near
Why cant it just disappear?
This is a strive for perfection
A game called Natural Selection.

Comments appreciated <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile-fix.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":)" border="0" alt="smile-fix.gif" /> do tell if I got this whole rhyme thing wrong.
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Comments

  • ChocolateChocolate The Team Mascot Join Date: 2006-10-31 Member: 58123Members
    edited April 2007
    I like the rhymes, its not the best I've ever seen, but its a hell of a lot better than I can do! <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tounge.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":p" border="0" alt="tounge.gif" />


    <!--coloro:#ff0000--><span style="color:#ff0000"><!--/coloro--><b>WARNING: Long, boring, unsenseful sentences ahead!</b><!--colorc--></span><!--/colorc-->

    What my teacher has told me before is that poems (or some type of writing) is supposed to make a picture in your mind about what is happening. We do that through uses of (for lack of better words) "pictureful" words (words that make a picture in your mind). Its not so much about the rhymes more so than the picture in the readers minds about what is happening/what there is.

    <b>/End of WARNING</b>


    This is more so a ramble then anything else and I cant really give you examples because I'm terrible in English class, but just remember: "Words with Pictures > Words with Rhymes".
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  • RasulisRasulis Join Date: 2003-01-29 Member: 12910Members
    It's not bad. The rhyming is in a standard ballad. I'd work on the meter though. There is many places it doesn't flow because the meter is way off for a ballad.
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  • SvenpaSvenpa Wait, what? Join Date: 2004-01-03 Member: 25012Members, Constellation
    edited April 2007
    Thank you for your comments, I really appreciate them.

    Chocolate: I'll keep that in mind for the next rhyme, good advice.

    Rasulis: What exactly do you mean by "working on the meter" ? Sorry but english isn't my primary language.
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  • ChocolateChocolate The Team Mascot Join Date: 2006-10-31 Member: 58123Members
    <!--quoteo(post=1620506:date=Apr 12 2007, 06:53 AM:name=Svenpa)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Svenpa @ Apr 12 2007, 06:53 AM) [snapback]1620506[/snapback]</div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec--> Thank you for your comments, I really appreciate them.

    Chocolate: I'll keep that in mind for the next rhyme, good advice.

    Rasulis: What exactly do you mean by "working on the meter" ? Sorry but english isn't my primary language. <!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
    No problem <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin-fix.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":D" border="0" alt="biggrin-fix.gif" />.

    And yeah, I dont understand what you mean Rasulis.

    Meh.. <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tounge.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":p" border="0" alt="tounge.gif" />
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