Disillusioned Man Sets World Record

PithlitPithlit Join Date: 2003-05-07 Member: 16120Members, NS1 Playtester, Constellation
<div class="IPBDescription">For Most Attempted Suicides</div> <!--QuoteBegin--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin-->MIAMI BEACH — A man has made history by swallowing twelve Xanax pills he found in his mother's medicine cabinet and making his 47th suicide attempt, shattering the previous record of 46 held by a quadriplegic in Mexico. When he awoke from a seven hour coma, he was informed by his mother's boyfriend of his unmatched achievement.

"I didn't even know about the record," said he said. "I just hate my life."

Osgood Wisenheimer has a well documented history of trying to take his own life, dating back to when he was just six years old. "I jumped off the roof, but it was only 12 feet high. I didn't die, but I did break my pelvis," he told Larry King last night. "Over the years, there were more roofs and pills and stuff that I would drink from under the sink, but it seemed like I was always a day late and a dollar short."

Wisenheimer has actually been the beneficiary of some unbelievably good luck during his world record run, depending on your perspective. He survived a seven story fall by landing on an ambulance and has also had his life spared by a quick thinking subway conductor. The conductor said, "All of a sudden there was this guy on the tracks running towards the train. I slammed on the brakes, and the train was only going about 20 mph when we hit him. What a mess."

If you name it, Wisenheimer has probably tried it. He has tried to slit his wrists, overdose, jump, and drown himself.

"Most of the time, I would end up taking half as many pills as I planned to, or jump from half as high. I guess you could say most of them were half-assed attempts. It got to a point where I was trying to kill myself because I was so upset at my failures," he said. He has never held a decent job. He has never been intimate with a woman. Nevertheless, he and Joe DiMaggio can sleep well at night with the knowledge that they have set records which will probably never be broken, at least not by some quadriplegic in Mexico.
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Comments

  • CMEastCMEast Join Date: 2002-05-19 Member: 632Members
    A clear case for euthanasia if ever there was one. Poor guy.
  • LikuLiku I, am the Somberlain. Join Date: 2003-01-10 Member: 12128Members
    Man, he sucks and life and he can't even end it, he should have read Maddox' article:

    <a href='http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=manly_suicide' target='_blank'>http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c....u=manly_suicide</a>

    On the honest side, I feel bad for him.
  • CabooseCaboose title = name(self, handle) Join Date: 2003-02-15 Member: 13597Members, Constellation
    So f***ed up that it's funny.
  • ChronoChrono Local flyboy Join Date: 2003-08-05 Member: 18989Members
    yeah the guy must feel even worse because he cant even kill himself right
  • Status_QuoStatus_Quo Join Date: 2004-01-30 Member: 25749Members
    47 tries? Christ... How hard can it be to get yourself killed?
  • PithlitPithlit Join Date: 2003-05-07 Member: 16120Members, NS1 Playtester, Constellation
    seemingly harder than it sounds <!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif' /><!--endemo-->

    Maybe he has some sort of overactive guardian angel <!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif' /><!--endemo-->
  • ChronoChrono Local flyboy Join Date: 2003-08-05 Member: 18989Members
    the guy ovbiously doesnt really want to die orelse he would have gotten a gun and shot himself in the head
  • CrotalusCrotalus Join Date: 2003-12-02 Member: 23871Members
    Well, it could be hard if your afraid to do it,
    you slip up, you get scared, mess up the attempt
  • PithlitPithlit Join Date: 2003-05-07 Member: 16120Members, NS1 Playtester, Constellation
    this one made me lol
    <!--QuoteBegin--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin-->"On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this."<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
  • JediYoshiJediYoshi The Cupcake Boss Join Date: 2002-05-27 Member: 674Members
    <!--QuoteBegin-Chrono+Jul 18 2005, 02:19 AM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> (Chrono @ Jul 18 2005, 02:19 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--> the guy ovbiously doesnt really want to die orelse he would have gotten a gun and shot himself in the head <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
    que eff tee.
  • ChronoChrono Local flyboy Join Date: 2003-08-05 Member: 18989Members
    <!--QuoteBegin-Pithlit+Jul 18 2005, 02:26 AM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> (Pithlit @ Jul 18 2005, 02:26 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--> this one made me lol
    <!--QuoteBegin--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin-->"On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this."<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd--> <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
    well he wanted to die and he got what he wanted
  • Cereal_KillRCereal_KillR Join Date: 2002-10-31 Member: 1837Members
    Well there was also a conveniently timed shotgun blast out of a random window...
  • AllUrHiveRblong2usAllUrHiveRblong2us By Your Powers Combined... Join Date: 2002-12-20 Member: 11244Members
    I'd try to kill myself too, with a name like Wisenheimer. I didn't know people were actually named that.
  • MonkfishMonkfish Sonic-boom-inducing buttcheeks of terrifying speed&#33; Join Date: 2003-06-03 Member: 16972Members
    Reminds me of obst, only he actually tried to kill himself
  • LikuLiku I, am the Somberlain. Join Date: 2003-01-10 Member: 12128Members
    <!--QuoteBegin-Chrono+Jul 18 2005, 02:19 AM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> (Chrono @ Jul 18 2005, 02:19 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--> the guy ovbiously doesnt really want to die orelse he would have gotten a gun and shot himself in the head <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
    Knowing his luck, he'd probably just end up Schiavo'ing his ****.
  • ChronoChrono Local flyboy Join Date: 2003-08-05 Member: 18989Members
    <!--QuoteBegin-Sonic+Jul 18 2005, 03:02 AM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> (Sonic @ Jul 18 2005, 03:02 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--> Reminds me of obst, only he actually tried to kill himself <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
    now thats just mean obst is a cool guy
  • DepotDepot The ModFather Join Date: 2002-11-09 Member: 7956Members
    Tabloid trash ... bah. <!--emo&:0--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/wow.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='wow.gif' /><!--endemo-->
  • Nil_IQNil_IQ Join Date: 2003-04-15 Member: 15520Members
    <!--QuoteBegin-Chrono+Jul 18 2005, 04:19 AM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> (Chrono @ Jul 18 2005, 04:19 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--> the guy ovbiously doesnt really want to die orelse he would have gotten a gun and shot himself in the head <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
    He'd probably miss <!--emo&:0--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/wow.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='wow.gif' /><!--endemo-->
  • waitingwaiting Join Date: 2005-07-06 Member: 55368Members
    <!--QuoteBegin-Sonic+Jul 18 2005, 12:02 PM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> (Sonic @ Jul 18 2005, 12:02 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--> Reminds me of obst, only he actually tried to kill himself <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
    What did he try again? Jumping through a window with a knife as far as I can recall..
  • SoulSkorpionSoulSkorpion Join Date: 2002-04-12 Member: 423Members
    Why am I reminded of Wile E Coyote? You know, after <i>47 attempts</i> you'd think he'd have some idea of what not to do.
  • SLizerSLizer Join Date: 2003-11-07 Member: 22363Members, Constellation
    I guess it would suck If you would try ro hang yourself but suddenly the chair under you falls and you hand is stuck in the rope so you wouldnt reach floor <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/biggrin-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin-fix.gif' /><!--endemo--> Thats the worst of failures iv`e made up
  • Mr_JeburtOMr_JeburtO Join Date: 2003-08-29 Member: 20340Members
    i'd love to give that guy a gun and see if he actually kills himself
  • MetalcatMetalcat Join Date: 2004-08-11 Member: 30528Members
    <!--QuoteBegin-Mr JeburtO+Jul 18 2005, 10:21 AM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> (Mr JeburtO @ Jul 18 2005, 10:21 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--> i'd love to give that guy a gun and see if he actually kills himself <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
    he wouldnt, you cant have anyone else ruin his new record, he must have it higher
  • AlienCowAlienCow Join Date: 2003-09-20 Member: 21040Members
    Blimey...poor guy...
  • ObstObst Join Date: 2003-03-12 Member: 14436Members, Constellation
    edited July 2005
    Well I tried cutting beating overdose-of-alcohol and the obligatory jumping.

    :EDIT: Oh yeah, and my one stupid sister tried "helping" me by beating me and kicking me down the stairs while the other bit a hole into my flesh close to my left eye.

    I suck <!--emo&:(--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/sad-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='sad-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
  • RatonetwothreetwooneRatonetwothreetwoone Join Date: 2004-03-23 Member: 27504Members
    i blame those dirty rotten video games <!--emo&:angry:--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/mad-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='mad-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
  • ObstObst Join Date: 2003-03-12 Member: 14436Members, Constellation
    I blame stupid families and social community.
  • AlienCowAlienCow Join Date: 2003-09-20 Member: 21040Members
    That might not be his problem..
  • remiremi remedy [blu.knight] Join Date: 2003-11-18 Member: 23112Members, Super Administrators, Forum Admins, NS2 Developer, NS2 Playtester
    <a href='http://stream.qtv.apple.com/qtv/fox/http/searchlab/farmsluts/farmsluts_ref.mov' target='_blank'>http://stream.qtv.apple.com/qtv/fox/http/s...rmsluts_ref.mov</a>
    This is related. There is a slight amount of nudity in the begining in the form of porn sites that a guy is looking at in work, so don't click if easily offended. It's not porn though, despite it's name.
  • illhillh Join Date: 2004-08-31 Member: 31104Members
    short movies FTW, and also morgue examiners apparently o_O
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