Do You Try To Change Yourself?

NumbersNotFoundNumbersNotFound Join Date: 2002-11-07 Member: 7556Members
<div class="IPBDescription">Self improvement or being a phoney?</div> I've got a question for you all.

The past year I've taken a negitive view of people who try to change themselves in order to reach some end, normally better odds with girls.

I've taken this negitive stance because, at the time, it really felt like these people were being phoneys for changing themselves just to appear better to someone else. I thought "But now who does this girl really like, the person themselves or the person they created?"

But, then again, does the effort of changing oneself out of true feeling warrent some higher show of love?


Because of this view i've almost made an effort to show only my true self. Not putting on a show for girls and just being my plain old self.

My luck with the ladies, however, isn't good at all.


So what do you guys/gals prefer? Someone who presents themselves well or someone who is true to themselves?

Comments

  • stallioNstallioN Join Date: 2005-06-21 Member: 54363Members
    edited July 2005
    Usually my room is slightly messy, with some clothes scattered on the floor, but when guests come over, I rearrange my closet, take out all my dishes (I almost have my own kitchen cabinet on my computer table), and throw all my dirty clothes in the laundry. Isn't this "presenting myself well"?

    Or guzzling Listerine before going to a job interview... etc.
  • goAnimositygoAnimosity Join Date: 2002-11-08 Member: 7689Members
    edited July 2005
    First impressions are everything, most of the time.

    If being true to yourself means being socially passive, non-interactive, anti-hygiene, etc... you need to change.

    Put it this way, if you feel inadequate, you <b>are</b> inadequate. There is no one more perfectable than yourself, and that's all you have control over.

    "Being accepted for who I am" Sorry, if you're a serial rapist for example - you'll get no such thing.

    Replace serial rapist with chronic eater/sloth/glutton, your odds will increase eversoslightly.
  • DepotDepot The ModFather Join Date: 2002-11-09 Member: 7956Members
    If the effort one expends to change one's self results in self improvement that's a good thing, no matter what the motivation was for accomplishing this. <!--emo&;)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html/emoticons/wink-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='wink-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
  • CrispyCrispy Jaded GD Join Date: 2004-08-22 Member: 30793Members, Constellation
    ^ Good post.

    I'd say that generally people do change when they're with other people, and it doesn't neccessarily have to do with their personality.

    I was generally very up front with my last girlfriend. I didn't try to be Mr. Cool or anything like that, I just showed confidence at what I thought/knew I was good at. The way I look at things, there's not much point in being insecure about what you're not good at, unless you can change it (in which case, try). This self-belief and self-confidence was what initially attracted her from afar (I didn't even see it coming).

    What I would recommend, though is that even if you don't change your personality, keep an eye out on how your habits change.

    For instance, when I started going out with her I spent a lot less time with my friends, and they felt pretty neglected. So think not only about what you change about your inner self, but also about your lifestyle.
  • LegionnairedLegionnaired Join Date: 2002-04-30 Member: 552Members, Constellation
    Someone who is 'real,' is comfortable with who they are, and yet seeks self-improvement for it's own sake is the best kind, I should think.

    Someone who just tries to change themself temporarily to get what they want is manipulating everyone. Including themself.
  • CxwfCxwf Join Date: 2003-02-05 Member: 13168Members, Constellation
    Numbers, you seem to be assuming that people never really change, that they only modify their appearance. And indeed some people don't change, and in those cases it can be useful for the rest of us to be able to see the "real them" rather than being decieved by an appearance of change.

    But it is also possible for people to really truly change themselves. If they can actually make a real change, more power to them. That's a good thing. And it is often true that people are willing to change themselves for the sake of others, when they would never have made the effort for themselves. That doesn't make the change any less real.

    So determining not to try to change yourself is not really a very good answer to the problem. Not <i>hiding</i> your true self is one thing, refusing to <i>change</i> yourself is another thing entirely.
  • waitingwaiting Join Date: 2005-07-06 Member: 55368Members
    Always stay yourself. You mightn't have noticed it yet, but there are quite a lot of people who just like people who don't put on a show to be liked but rather stay themselves. Also, you're kind of downgrading yourself when you do put on a show to be liked.
  • StormLiongStormLiong Join Date: 2002-12-27 Member: 11569Members
    I'd always have this policy. If I have to change a part of me that was bad to me or might be causing harm (ie being fat or smoking) then I don't see what can be so wrong to change that. Yes I might be putting up a show but it is for myself as well.

    But if I have to change something of myself that was doing no harm at all such if I was to not talk about what I like doing such as playing video games or drawing, then I have to stop there. I want to make an impression to someone as who I am based the qualities that are good in me.

    If its a bad quality then it does have a basis for change.
  • illuminexilluminex Join Date: 2004-03-13 Member: 27317Members, Constellation
    Self Improvement's always good. Sometimes it takes a girl to make us guys want to make ourselves look better, and that's ok. The key is to make it a part of you, not just a temporary thing so that when the girl 's gone, so's the new, better you.

    We humans have this amazing gift of choice. I can choose to become a better person, for whatever reason, at whatever time. If it's for a girl, who cares?
  • EverwatchfulEverwatchful Join Date: 2003-11-17 Member: 23084Members
    change my image now, i guess thats what i want to do, cuz im not satisfied with myself right now, or im trying to fit in and get another gf, something like that. as long as you're true to yourself, i think thats ok, doing something against your senses is just bull...
  • relsanrelsan Join Date: 2002-11-01 Member: 3720Members, Constellation
    Well the flip side is, are you really just being yourself, or are you just being lazy or maybe procrastinating? Sometimes we tell ourselves that we don't need to change because we are afraid of change. Sometimes we think that trying something new means we are changing who we are, and well that's not necessarily true either.

    Just about anything can be bad if you are doing it for the wrong reasons, but if you are trying to better yourself through activities that you are truly interested in, I don't see anything wrong or phony with that.

    I wasn't always a good basketball player, or a great dancer, or a decent programmer. I suppose one of the reasons I became all those things was to meld into society a little better, but I don't think that makes me a phony. Do you?
  • Rapier7Rapier7 Join Date: 2004-02-05 Member: 26108Members
    In terms of physical improvement or change, sometimes I'll look in the mirror and say, "damn, I need to get into shape". I'm pretty skinny and I can run a fair distance without collapsing, but I still need to get some meat on my bones.

    But in terms of personality changes? I'm far too stubborn to say that I do have a problem with my personality and any change comes with time and is very gradual. Sometimes I'll look back two-three years of my life and think, "damn, was I really like that?".

    It's pretty cool, though, because the one thing constant in my life is that I'm always controversial. Controversy is good.
  • CMEastCMEast Join Date: 2002-05-19 Member: 632Members
    My fundamental personality hasn't changed since I was about 8, I'm just better at expressing my feelings now I'm old(er).

    Physically I've changed of course but I've always done the same kind of things (some energetic activities but otherwise no exercise, no sport etc) and I've always been the same sort of shape (tall and thin).

    I can't see how I could change even if I wanted to tbh.
  • The_FinchThe_Finch Join Date: 2002-11-13 Member: 8498Members
    Personalities are quite stable over time. A short-term change is unlikely to bring about any radical personality modifications. A person with an addictive personality may give up a bad habit, like smoking, but replace it with something else, like eating. If you look at makeover shows like "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," all you see is a short term change. It's taking the guy who always wears jeans and a tee shirt and slapping a suit on him. If you go back a year later, I'd be willing to bet that most of their bad habits have resurfaced. Clothing on the floor, dishes in the sink and a renewed disdain for the word "couture."

    That's not to say that people are incapable of change, just that they are unlikely to do so without outside, long term influence. Losing ten pounds because you're dissatisfied with your own appearance is not the same as going from introverted to extroverted. The first is a minor physical adjustment, akin to a haircut. The second is a fundamental change in personality.
  • NGENGE Join Date: 2003-11-10 Member: 22443Members
    I believe what the original poster meant was changing yourself to suit other people. He's not referring to becoming a neater, cleaner, or healthier person. He's talking about personality.

    Don't do it. You can't change something like that without hurting yourself.
  • big_jimbig_jim Join Date: 2003-12-14 Member: 24350Members
    <!--QuoteBegin-NGE+Jul 16 2005, 03:18 PM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> (NGE @ Jul 16 2005, 03:18 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin-->I believe what the original poster meant was changing yourself to suit other people.  He's not referring to becoming a neater, cleaner, or healthier person.  He's talking about personality.

    Don't do it.  You can't change something like that without hurting yourself.<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
    This I feel is true. I speak from experience that forcing a change to your personality to be better liked by others can cause some severe emotional backlash later on, while letting it evolve as it will, will still mean you are the same person, just further along in life.
  • SnidelySnidely Join Date: 2003-02-04 Member: 13098Members
    <!--QuoteBegin-NGE+Jul 16 2005, 09:18 AM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> (NGE @ Jul 16 2005, 09:18 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--> I believe what the original poster meant was changing yourself to suit other people. He's not referring to becoming a neater, cleaner, or healthier person. He's talking about personality.

    Don't do it. You can't change something like that without hurting yourself. <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
    It depends, really. Someone who's short-tempered should probably learn to deal with it, rather than taking it out on other people (for example).
  • DerrickDerrick Join Date: 2005-07-18 Member: 56252Members
    I remember help operate a community service event (hosted a special dinner) and dealt with quite a few different people. While I made my rounds and talked to people, I made a special effort to smile. I don't smile very often. It's not that I am not happy, it's just that I don't think about it. Did this change who I was to these people? Hell no.

    Improve yourself. If your a goddamn slob, fix it! If your hygiene is lacking, fix it! If you are overbearing, fix it FFS! Just because you eliminate flaws in your self does not mean you are a different person.

    I had a friend who had all of the above problems. He was alienated until he ironed out those problems. If you don't do it you will have problems, straight up. I wouldn't want to be with a girl who seriously lacked in the above areas. Why would a girl want that?
  • PithlitPithlit Join Date: 2003-05-07 Member: 16120Members, NS1 Playtester, Constellation
    <!--QuoteBegin-stallioN+Jul 11 2005, 06:28 AM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> (stallioN @ Jul 11 2005, 06:28 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--> Usually my room is slightly messy, with some clothes scattered on the floor, but when guests come over, I rearrange my closet, take out all my dishes (I almost have my own kitchen cabinet on my computer table), and throw all my dirty clothes in the laundry. Isn't this "presenting myself well"?

    Or guzzling Listerine before going to a job interview... etc. <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
    personally, i do the same
    but i don´t think about it as appearing better to the ones visiting, but more that they feel themself at home, because i care for them.

    Other than that i go completly my own style, when i got out or stuff.
    (wich may change like how i feel)
    For myself it works out fine.
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