The Known And The Unknown

SvenpaSvenpa Wait, what? Join Date: 2004-01-03 Member: 25012Members, Constellation
edited February 2005 in Fan-Fiction Forum
I will try to make the other episodes longer then this one. C&C plz, even if negative I'll read and take them serious. This is my first proper one so be nice <!--emo&:)--><img src='' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->

Episode 1: It begins

They ran, they ran from something that seemed to be impossible to out-run.
-Sir they're behind us, all of them!
-Keep those feet moving corporal!
She wished she never would have taken the job as squad leader.
-You have multiple targets in all directions!
The commander she thought, how many times havn't I heard him causing panic to the new troopers?.
-We got a phase gate going up to the left of this hall, we have a marine waiting there.
Finaly something positive, she thought.
-You heard that corporal?
She turned her head to see. She looked in all directions in the slimey infested hall.
He's dead she told herself, not thinking about how.
-Every one's dead commander, only me left.
-None could had foreseen this, dont blame yourself.
She blamed herself.
-To the right you said?
-No left, turn left
She had already faced the right way, turning to the left she saw...

The phase gate with it's comfortable light illuminating the surrondings.
She sprinted to the phase gate, made a jump litterly throwing herself into it.
In the side of her eye she saw something just behind the phase gate. With only a second until she would had been teleported to safety. Somewhere she could relax and get out of this bulky armor. The tight little shuttel seemed very attractive compared to this.
Like a sledgehammer falling from the fifth floor with nails attached to it, the skulk hit her in the chest mid air.
She screamed
No sound from the commander.
The skulk doing the same in it's ear cutting hizz like sound.
Her eyes were wide open the adrenaline pumped like mad.
They flew away from the phase gate into the hall she was running through before.
A small flash occured right behind her and she felt something much smaller then a skulk hit her back, then it simply vanished.

They hit the wall softly with infestation sinking into it, like rocks hitting a gigantic mushroom.
The skulk took a bite across her helmet. But the nano-tech plate broke instead of her head and she was mearly scratched.
She were now shaking with pure instinct, with the synapses going crazy.
The skulk tried using it spike legs but she was lying on them hard.
With a sudden grip she defended herself.
With more force then intended she pushed away the skulk, it hit the hard floor with a thudd.
But as fast as it went down it was up again. It leapt once again into her pushing the humanoid into the hole that were already made in the infestation.
But something was different it thought, something pointy were keeping it from getting near enough to bite.
She pulled the trigger


  • YashYash Join Date: 2004-09-07 Member: 31501Members, Constellation
    10/10! *claps*

    I liked this!
  • BadMouthBadMouth It ceases to be exclusive when you can have a custom member titl Join Date: 2004-05-21 Member: 28815Members
    the start was gd. it was fast paced and exciting. however, i didn't like the way you put the dialogue. i wld rather have u do 'Tom said,"XXXXXXX"' instead of the way you did it. That way, i would know who was saying what. I also thought your story was a bit confusing and you could work on that.
  • SvenpaSvenpa Wait, what? Join Date: 2004-01-03 Member: 25012Members, Constellation
    Well the story aint suposed to be unwrapped yet. It was my purpose to start in the middle of something. I will eventualy give out names, locations and such.

    Thank you for your replys, it helps belive me <!--emo&:)--><img src='' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
  • DoZ3RDoZ3R Join Date: 2004-06-10 Member: 29224Members
    Pretty good, although in quite a few places you put were, where there shouldve been a was. I like it, keep em coming.
  • SvenpaSvenpa Wait, what? Join Date: 2004-01-03 Member: 25012Members, Constellation
    Damn it thank you pointing that out.
  • DoZ3RDoZ3R Join Date: 2004-06-10 Member: 29224Members
    hey no problem....

    and im not stupid <!--emo&:p--><img src='' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif' /><!--endemo-->

    love the avatar
  • SvenpaSvenpa Wait, what? Join Date: 2004-01-03 Member: 25012Members, Constellation
    edited February 2005
    Part 2 is done 1/3 it *may* be out today or tomorrow stay tuned.
  • SvenpaSvenpa Wait, what? Join Date: 2004-01-03 Member: 25012Members, Constellation
    edited February 2005
    Episode 2: Rage

    The phase gate that were newly built and still shineing from it's own light were now covered in green transparent blood and fresh guts.
    The marine fired with incredible speed into the skulks mouth down it's throat shattering it into small pieces faster then you can say "Now there's something you dont see every day, thank god"
    With screams replaced with berzerk like battle crys, she still fired until the clip was out. She pulled out the lmg out of it's mouth. Then she took her hands on the upper and lower yaw, starting to push in their opposite ways.
    Some muffled sounds were heard but she ignored them.
    With a loud crack she broken the skull into two pieces. She didn't think anything, eveything wore the color of rage.
    Suddenly she felt tired and all out of energy. The muffeld sound became clearer.
    -"Holy crap are you allright sir??"
    She stood there staring at him holding the pieces of the skulks head in each hand.
    Getting a grip she finaly realised the situation.
    -"Oh you're ok, lets get out of here"
    Now it was his turn to stare as she walked up to the phase gate when entering still holding the yaws.

    Her name was 2nd Liutenant Adrienne.

    The human race have had enough of the spreading Kharaa. These pesky aliens would no longer spread tru human known universe. An offensive operation that could be compared with Operation Overlord but with todays number of soldiers in the TSA. Since the lost of entire worlds in the Ariadne arm this have been thought of, and now with Kharaa spreading faster then ever to the outskirts of the galaxy. The humans, the superior race have taken this in notice and are now taking full action. This time it's humans turn to be the smarter ones. Instead of an direct assault to the most infested planets, they're going to use the acient tactic of Blitzkrieg on all planets and ships newly infested. These will be cleaned first then slowly advancing forward until the very last bacterium have been destroyed.

    Shuttel "Hercules" 103 type 8 (quick assault and support vessel) in orbit of planet Ulkator.
    -"Nasty! wasn't the lmg enough for you?"
    -"Red you damn ****, said Adrienne"
    -"Do you blame me? You come here all drenched in blood with a dessecrated skulk head in you'r hands"
    A evil smile came across her face.
    -"You sure it's a skulk?, why dont take a closer look?"
    She clapped the pieces infront of him like if it was biting.
    -"Hey stop that!, he said"
    -"Why dont you make me?"
    -"Put that thing away ... NOW, said 1st Commander Oberion with a blood freezing tone"
    With a sigh Adrienne threw the head bits in a vacuum garbage can. As soon as the lid closed the machine started pumping and blowing out the bits into space.
    -We might get a distress signal any time, so stop fooling around.

    Oberion (recruits call him O.B) was a veteran from the first encounters with the Kharaa. He was in the first attempts to counter the Kharaa after Six Days in Sanjii. He lost his right leg from an Onos trying to devour him, a distress signal saved him. He was heavily built and around 1.80 metres tall. He had no hair and a rough double chin. He were in the age of forty years.
    Red were twenty years old, very young to join the TSA. But his superior aim inherated from his father was enough. But he was not a fool. He would follow the most absurd orders give by the commander and had a spirit rising aura around him.
    He had fair pretty short hair and a fast slim body. The strength were in his legs and the technique in his arms.

    -Hey ,said red, where's Ferris? I thought he would be right behind you?
    -Easy now he's just putting up mines in the ventilations and around the phase gate, said Oberion before Adrienne could answear.

    The shuttel was big enough to hold twelve marines, which they were until the assault. Now they're only four. But reinforcements should come soon from nearby cruisers.

    -How much equipment we got left O.B?,said Adrienne

    Oberion checked four big lockers next to the beds. He found two heavy armors, three shotguns, one welder, one heavy machine gun and a prototype jetpack. The jetpack could not replenish it's fuel, but it worked. Before it did not even work but Adrienne had a look at it on their way to Ulkator. She managed to replace the auto-refueling system with a one shot tank filled with raw nano sludge.
    Oberion studied the equipment a while then he said,
    -We might need to go back to Ulkator and get some resources so we can get some equipment to the reinforcements.

    Just as he finished came Ferris tru the phase gate with a concerned look.
    -I got some good news and some bad news
  • BadMouthBadMouth It ceases to be exclusive when you can have a custom member titl Join Date: 2004-05-21 Member: 28815Members
    i still find the dialogue confusing. hopefully, i will get used to it. i think you have considered your target audience and made it bloody and violent for the target audience. I also like the fact that your story is quite descriptive.

    but pls work on the dialogue.
  • SvenpaSvenpa Wait, what? Join Date: 2004-01-03 Member: 25012Members, Constellation
    Im new to this so bare with me. I'll try to rework the dialogue, plz tell me if it gets any better.
  • SvenpaSvenpa Wait, what? Join Date: 2004-01-03 Member: 25012Members, Constellation
    This is hard... I want to write action but it needs story telling so it doesn't seem totaly random.
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