Firefox Iv

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• Crispy Jaded GD Join Date: 2004-08-22 Member: 30793Members, Constellation

  November 2004

  Below is an altered version and below that is why I think the changes are needed.
  
  Three hours. We'd been waiting for three hours when our platoon was finally called.<span style='color:white'>[1]</span> It was a blessing and a curse at the same time, Platoon Firefox assigned to yet another cleanup job, at least what I thought as I stood watching our squads boarding their respective pods:<span style='color:white'>[2]</span> launching and speeding past the vast pod launchbay window<span style='color:white'>[3]</span> towards the ship's starboard transport.<span style='color:white'>[4]</span>
  
  I got up from the bench, scooping up my helmet and saying a brief goodbye to a soldier from another platoon as I moved with my squad towards our assigned pod. My *** was numb from sitting down for so long, but I suppose we'd make up for that with a half hour of standing as <span style='color:white'>[5]</span>the doors on the pod shut behind us and the shockwave from the launch jolted through me.
  
  <span style='color:white'>[1]</span> A full stop (period) is required here to give a longer pause. A comma would only leave a very brief pause. With a full stop the full effect of those three tedious hours is paralelled in the text. Suspension points (...) would go even further towards this.
  
  <span style='color:white'>[2]</span> Watched changed to watching to fit with the imagery. The continuous present (-ing) enhances the image of the story unfolding in realtime, everything happening simultaneously (while he is watching they are launching). The colon is used after a word introducing a quotation, an explanation, an example, or a series. I added it here to precede your description and also to link the parts of the sentence without it seeming too long.
  
  <span style='color:white'>[3]</span> I have left the word window but to suit the futuristic universe about which you have chosen to write I would suggest a variation or a futuristic term (one you make up or 'borrow' from another source). Some examples are viewpoint, observation partition or divide. Alternatively you could add some other word so that it doesn't seem like a normal window. Remember that a window in our day and age isn't just a partition that allows light to pass, it can also be opened and closed. For this word you need something that describes what it does, assumedly lets light through perhaps with some intensity filter while also protecting from heat etc. It is presumably fixed in nature, possibly made of solid material or possibly existing as an energy barrier.
  
  <span style='color:white'>[4]</span> Changed to make the sentence more concise and easier to read.
  
  <span style='color:white'>[5]</span> Although not neccessary, the next section begins in a new paragraph to disconnect the previous section from this one. In this way the text conveys a feeling of starting something new, shifting your attention to something else. It could possibly suggest that 'I' (or the reader) was thinking something else while looking at the ships and was distracted momentarily but in the next paragraph has refocussed his efforts on the task at hand. The paragraph change here is optional and is dependant on what you want the reader to think as they so from line to line. Leaving a gap gives them a split second to think about what they have just read, throwing some sort of emphasis onto the last sentence or section, whereas keeping the text going with few pauses can make them feel rushed, trapped or otherwise convey an element of speed.
  The last sentence needs reworking to seperate what 'I' is thinking and what is happening. You could put 'the doors closing' in its own sentence which would throw emphasis onto that image, or you could change the words to keep the feeling that 'I' is thinking that at the same time as the doors are closing, but at the moment the sentence is ambiguous.
  
  Good luck with the rest of this and I hope my comments are of help. PM me anytime you want me to edit out the advice to keep the post small etc...

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• Haze O RLY? Join Date: 2003-07-07 Member: 18018Members, Constellation

  November 2004

  Thanks for the help so far, I agree with some points and some I dont, but its all very helpful. Heres my reworked version putting the two together, and then I'll point out what changes were made.
  
  
  
  Three hours. We'd been waiting for three hours when our platoon was finally <span style='color:white'>called, it was a blessing and a curse all the same.[1]</span> Platoon Firefox assigned to yet another cleanup job, at least thats what I thought <span style='color:white'>as I stood watching[2]</span> our squads boarding their respective <span style='color:white'>pods, launching and[3]</span> speeding past the vast pod launchbay <span style='color:white'>window[4]</span> towards the <span style='color:white'>ship's starboard transport.[5]</span>
  
  I got up from the bench, scooping up my helmet and saying a brief goodbye to a soldier from another platoon as I started <span style='color:white'>to move with my squad[6]</span> towards our assigned pod. My *** was <span style='color:white'>numb for sitting so[7]</span> long, but I suppose we'd make up for that with a half hour of standing as the doors on the pod shut behind us and the shockwave jolted through me.
  
  <span style='color:white'>[1]</span>The pause was needed from the beginning three hours statement to the "we'd been..." sentence, I was haveing an arguement with myself when I wrote this about that (it was revised at least four times before getting here, five now) and just stuck the comma there eventually. However, the "blessing and curse" needs to have a period after it because it doesnt not associate with the "Platoon firefox assigned.." sentence. The blessing and curse is the whole being called, blessing because their finally moving, curse because they actually have to do something. (and a bit of foreshadowing from yours truly. <!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif' /><!--endemo-->)
  
  <span style='color:white'>[2]</span>Thanks, I wanted to put this thing into present tense, not as if someone is telling the story to someone else from experience.
  
  <span style='color:white'>[3]</span>I dont think the colon is needed here. The comma just seperates and gives a brief pause between stating what the squads are doing, bringing up the pods, and then discribing the pods action.
  
  <span style='color:white'>[4]</span>I dont feel like I need to put some futuristic gizmo in there. I need to retain NS's gritty feel, a "lazer barrier" wouldnt really do it for me.
  
  <span style='color:white'>[5]</span>Thanks, its easier to read now...!
  
  <span style='color:white'>[6]</span>Putting most of what I can in present tence. Cant help sometimes to jump back and forth on pure accident.. not a good thing to do. So far so good, though.
  
  <span style='color:white'>[7]</span>I dont really agree with putting down there after sitting, it slows the sentence up some to pop an extra word in there thats not in there. Doenst feel right to me.. if that makes sense. <!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif' /><!--endemo-->
  
  Well, thats it. I need to start working on the second part. Editing the first post.

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