We Are Heros
Owen1
Join Date: 2003-04-13 Member: 15457Members
Join Date: 2003-04-13 Member: 15457Members
<div class="IPBDescription">Chapter 1: the farm</div> In the blazing sun of the Stuggian farming moon of Mimas, You could see for miles. Thick crops of wheat and rice spanned thousands of miles in this almost Arid yet flourishing environment. To stand and watch the winds blow through the fields would, sooner or later, have to get boring, But not to Corinthian.
Corinthian was your typical 19 year old farm boy, tall, muscular, and sporting a small beard on the edge of his chin. He was pale, and kind of gawky, but none the less, he was your average kid. Wearing a pair of jeans, and a white vest that was scattered in holes, he sat on the edge of a fence, watching the wind whip through the golden wheat.
"In a week, I'll know nothing of this place." He sighed to himself as he slinked down from the fence and headed to his speeder.
The ride home was a chance for Corinthian to be alone, and not have to be working. Whilst he wasn't lazy, he much prefered his personal time to be taken up by sleeping, or watching TV. Somethings in life, would never change for any generation of people.
He stepped into the wooden lodging, that looked no bigger than the barn standing next door to it. The air was thick with the smell of baking, Corinthian's mother and sister had been baking again, and was a welcome gift to come home to after toiling away in the fields.
"You're home!" Called a voice from the next room as Corinthian entered the room.
"Yes mother, I'm home." A short and almost patronising reply as he made his way to the lounge.
"You got a mail from the TSMC, you're flight out is tomorrow."
"They want me in this soon?"
"Well, It would seem that way dear. I wouldn't worry, they probably just want to get your training done before this whole Morocco thing blows up."
"Yea, thats probably what it is." On that note, Corinthian started walking to the vid-phone to get his mail. Upon touching the inbox key, he was met with the single message that would infact change his life. He opened the message to read the letter that had come straight from the recruitment office.
01/2785893/2-B
From: Trans System Marine Corps department of employment and economy.
To: Mr. C. E. Insley
You are to be informed that you are to board the 17-1211221212-212/6F flight to the SS Juneau on the date of 19/04/3268 at 8:23am. Failure to attend the pre-training meeting and preliminary examination will result in internment for a time of no less than 230 hours.
********************************************
END MESSAGE
Corinthian looked over it, then gave a small glance of hardship to the ceiling, before deciding to go get ready. Get ready was more of an opportunity to see his Ella one more time before his training, possibly the last time he would see her ever.
Corinthian was your typical 19 year old farm boy, tall, muscular, and sporting a small beard on the edge of his chin. He was pale, and kind of gawky, but none the less, he was your average kid. Wearing a pair of jeans, and a white vest that was scattered in holes, he sat on the edge of a fence, watching the wind whip through the golden wheat.
"In a week, I'll know nothing of this place." He sighed to himself as he slinked down from the fence and headed to his speeder.
The ride home was a chance for Corinthian to be alone, and not have to be working. Whilst he wasn't lazy, he much prefered his personal time to be taken up by sleeping, or watching TV. Somethings in life, would never change for any generation of people.
He stepped into the wooden lodging, that looked no bigger than the barn standing next door to it. The air was thick with the smell of baking, Corinthian's mother and sister had been baking again, and was a welcome gift to come home to after toiling away in the fields.
"You're home!" Called a voice from the next room as Corinthian entered the room.
"Yes mother, I'm home." A short and almost patronising reply as he made his way to the lounge.
"You got a mail from the TSMC, you're flight out is tomorrow."
"They want me in this soon?"
"Well, It would seem that way dear. I wouldn't worry, they probably just want to get your training done before this whole Morocco thing blows up."
"Yea, thats probably what it is." On that note, Corinthian started walking to the vid-phone to get his mail. Upon touching the inbox key, he was met with the single message that would infact change his life. He opened the message to read the letter that had come straight from the recruitment office.
01/2785893/2-B
From: Trans System Marine Corps department of employment and economy.
To: Mr. C. E. Insley
You are to be informed that you are to board the 17-1211221212-212/6F flight to the SS Juneau on the date of 19/04/3268 at 8:23am. Failure to attend the pre-training meeting and preliminary examination will result in internment for a time of no less than 230 hours.
********************************************
END MESSAGE
Corinthian looked over it, then gave a small glance of hardship to the ceiling, before deciding to go get ready. Get ready was more of an opportunity to see his Ella one more time before his training, possibly the last time he would see her ever.
Comments
(yeah ok keep it up)
Guns aren't everything.
good plot > good guns
gj Owen
Guns aren't everything.
good plot > good guns
gj Owen <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
I couldn't have said it better myself, awesome job. Keep up the good work.
We know <!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif' /><!--endemo--> Just giving the man credit for what he has done <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/biggrin-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
Examples include repetition of <i>miles</i> in the first paragraph and of <i>baking</i> later on in the story.
Also your use of commas in places breaks, up, the line, too much. Below are some examples of what I'm talking about.
<span style='font-size:8pt;line-height:100%'>The ride home was a chance for Corinthian to be alone, and not have to be working. Whilst he wasn't lazy, he much prefered his personal time to be taken up by sleeping, or watching TV. Somethings in life, would never change for any generation of people.</span>
The first line just about reads well, but would read more naturally without the comma. The second sentence's second comma should only be there if you are emphasising that he likes to watch TV. The third line's comma has no place in the sentence and reads extremely unnaturally.
Just remember that commas, dashes, colons, semi-colons, fullstops (periods) and new paragraphs all create pauses of varying durations for the reader. It is the writer's job to exploit these pauses to compliment his work as it is read.
P.S. He was wearing a vest that was scattered with holes, I hope.
You took the words out of my mouth I couldnt just find to type up on the forums. Your right it does have a unique feel to it, and I guess thats what makes it wonderfully written
01/2785893/2-B
From: Trans System Marine Corps department of employment and economy.
To: Mr. C. E. Insley
You are to be informed that you are to board the <b>17-1211221212-212/6F</b> flight to the SS Juneau on the date of <b>19/04/3268</b> at <b>8:23am</b>. Failure to attend the pre-training meeting and preliminary examination will result in internment for a time of no less than 230 hours.
<b>**********************************************</b>
END MESSAGE <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
There's not much I can be bothered saying about the first part, except try and write it more professionally [if you get me] and remember to proof read it, and touch things up.
About the part that i've quoted.. I've put in bold the things that I'd like to mention. Just small nitpicking, but it's all that I can be bothered doing <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/smile-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
1. "17-1211221212-212/6F" This kind of stuff is mostly up to your personal preference, but it just looks kind of suspicious. The number is weird.. I'd change it to maybe B7-122/6F etc. Shorten it, make it look less like you've had a spam on your keyboard <!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif' /><!--endemo--> Try and imagine that the numbers have a meaning as they would normally, to designate the ship/flight etc.
2. "19/04/3268" This is a minor point, and it's just a personal thing, but having the exact same format with a date about one millennium afterwards is just plain weird.. try and convert it a little, like 19-04-3268. Just anything to make it look out of the ordinary.
3. "8:23am" - military time, 0823
4. "***" - shouldn't this be at the start of the message as well?
Anyway, sorry about my crummy post, but i'm kind of distracted and not in the proper mood. Just try and make it look more professional, tidy it up, and proof read it and make changes where neccessary. It will look a while lot better afterwards.