<!--QuoteBegin-GrayDuck+Nov 18 2004, 02:53 PM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> (GrayDuck @ Nov 18 2004, 02:53 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--> Unconditional friendship / Love. Is a key. At least my bouts with low self-esteem have been helped by this. You see if she knows you love her unconditionally – she’ll gradually reveal more about why she feels the way that she does. Things like your self-esteem aren’t easy fixes (or if they are someone clue me in because I still need help) they typically are deeply rooted into all past experiences. Be a good ‘active listener’.
And it’s the little things – saying ‘thank-you’ when she does something for you – even if she does it every day and it’s just your routine. A heart felt thanks can go a long way and make an otherwise boring or icky ‘chore’ worth it.
Final thought, not for you, but for some of these other replies. Stop being shallow. Regardless of whether she’s super-model material or the ugliest, fattest girl ever – self esteem and image are important things. And as they say ‘love is blind’. Don’t go off saying or thinking “well that girl IS ugly, she deserves to have crappy self-esteem, why doesn’t she make herself pretty?” That is such a terrible way to think and treat people. <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd--> Well someone else said stuff along the same lines as what I was gonna say, so I'll just quote for emphasis.
Even if they intend comedy, this is what the posters in the Off-Topic have come to? *sighs, prepares to leave*
My best advice is to just be there for her. Self-Esteem is something that not easily gained, and you have to be patient. It may takes months, but it will pay off in the end. Regardless of anything else, be kind and be truthful.
EpidemicDark Force GorgeJoin Date: 2003-06-29Member: 17781Members
<!--QuoteBegin-Area88+Nov 17 2004, 03:30 PM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> (Area88 @ Nov 17 2004, 03:30 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--> Show her things worse than her llike fat people and internet furries or anything in something awfuls "Awful link of the day".
and comedy option stick it in her pooper. <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd--> Just wow, I dont know whether to cry or not <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/smile-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
don't say you <b>think</b> she's beautiful etc or whatever it is you say to her. tell her you know she's beautiful. Would be what I'd do, hard to say much about it if we don't know much about it <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/biggrin-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
edit: Her self-esteem could also be affected by her diet. Bad food makes you feel bad. Maybe she's not eating enough? Maybe she's eating too much? :S
Make sure she has enough food. If she's not getting enough food she won't be able to do the things she loves most, like making additions to the home and looking after her family. If you're not sure how to get her more food then try killing a few newcomers to the area or demolishing an oilrig. Don't ever tell her that she's inexperienced, fat or a floozy: this will just hurt her feelings, making her want to hide away somewhere and put up barriers to stop people from getting close to her. She's probably upset because she spends so much time on her own and therefore doesn't get enough attention. Visit or talk to her (shouting doesn't work) from time to time so that she knows you're not taking her for granted. If you've known her for a while try buying her a new house, or two! In doing this make sure they are well connected to the local amenities, especially to supermarkets but preferably to local markets that sell fresh, unprocessed food.
If this fails do the egg dance, that always works for me <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/smile-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
<span style='font-size:3pt;line-height:100%'>Hopefully someone will see where I was going with this</span>
Realistically I'd say that you need to do something that lasts a while. Think of something she'd find really enjoyable and try to do it with her on a regular basis. Hobby groups etc. would be a good way for her to meet people who share her interests, making her feel more valued and at the same time take her mind off her self-analysis. If you, or a close friend can somehow introduce her to this new, regular activity then she'll probably be more likely to agree. She needs people other than you to give her compliments and make her feel accepted as she feels that it's your duty to say what you do, regardless of whether or you mean it or not. Having someone else pay attention to her should give her a much needed boost in confidence...
Most original joke evar coming up guys, prepare yourselves!!!
<!--QuoteBegin-juice+Nov 19 2004, 03:41 AM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> (juice @ Nov 19 2004, 03:41 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--> no cure, only prevention. in the form of good parents. sorry <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd--> Nothing to do with the quality of parenting, don't be daft!
How long have you been going out with her? Was she like this when you started going out with her or has she only recently been like this? Has anything in her life changed about the same time her personality change? Its always best to find the source of the problem (if there is one).
However, chances are there isn't any reason for it in which case you have two options. a) Stick with her, there probably isn't really anything you can say or do to improve her opinion about herself except be there for her, don't tell her shes means the world to you, show her! (Ok, you can tell her too but make sure you aren't just saying it).
b) Break up with her, ok so she's down and you may make her worse for awhile but if your hearts not in it then you will just bring yourself down instead. A friend of mine went out with a girl for 9 months, lovely girl and a genius too (literally was, stupidly high IQ) but incredibly depressed. He stuck with her but found that he couldn't do anything for her and she was just making him feel bad (everytime he met up with her he felt drained, made himself pretty sick actually). Eventually he broke up with her and she took it bad but didn't do anything stupid, now she is a bit older (20ish I think) and a perfectly happy and well adjusted individual.
Interesting point to think about, people are more attractive when they are happier, if she is really worried about her appearance tell her she's beautiful normally when shes smiles shes stunning, you know, 'lights up the room' etc. Might give her some motivation to at least fake happiness (and for a lot of people thats all they need, it can force them to look at things in a decent outlook so that they can 'act happy'. She just needs a new perspective.
Finally, guys... stop being so insensitive, you aren't normally this bad for these kind of topics. Some of the comments were amusing but the vast majority were just childish and completely unneccesary.
First, don't feed her compliments forever. She will grow to rely on them, if she isn't relying on them already.
This will lead to two things, singly or both together. One is that removing the compliments removes the self esteem. The other is that continual compliments will make you feel like you are always "giving" to the relationship whereas she will count these comments as part and parcel of the relationship.
These both lead into the same sort of territory - resentment. You either resent the fact she trapped you into having to continually make compliments, or that you're always giving and getting no appreciation in return.
Which moves into the final few stages - hatred. You will come to despise her for having leeched compliments out of you, with nothing to show for it, and even after x months/years of doing it you STILL have to keep complimenting her.
Solution, break the cycle. Teach her her own self worth, because not everyone is going to be as appreciative of a constant emotional drain, and noone actually enjoys living AS a constant emotional drain. If she sets the bar too high for herself, then talk her down. Some people set themselves high goals and feel worthless if they do not achieve them. However, if she feels the need to live up to OTHERS expectations then make her judge herself on her own merit. Understand the difference between setting a high bar for oneself and judging oneself by the standards of others.
If you can't do that, then get out while you can, while the emotional damage done will be largely negligible. A nice clean break. Better that than a year or two down the line and telling her you're f-ing sick of her whiny etc etc etc. You may think you won't say it but sooner or later you will.
Comments
And it’s the little things – saying ‘thank-you’ when she does something for you – even if she does it every day and it’s just your routine. A heart felt thanks can go a long way and make an otherwise boring or icky ‘chore’ worth it.
Final thought, not for you, but for some of these other replies. Stop being shallow. Regardless of whether she’s super-model material or the ugliest, fattest girl ever – self esteem and image are important things. And as they say ‘love is blind’. Don’t go off saying or thinking “well that girl IS ugly, she deserves to have crappy self-esteem, why doesn’t she make herself pretty?” That is such a terrible way to think and treat people. <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
Well someone else said stuff along the same lines as what I was gonna say, so I'll just quote for emphasis.
My best advice is to just be there for her. Self-Esteem is something that not easily gained, and you have to be patient. It may takes months, but it will pay off in the end. Regardless of anything else, be kind and be truthful.
and comedy option stick it in her pooper. <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
Just wow, I dont know whether to cry or not <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/smile-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
edit: Her self-esteem could also be affected by her diet. Bad food makes you feel bad. Maybe she's not eating enough? Maybe she's eating too much? :S
If this fails do the egg dance, that always works for me <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/smile-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
<span style='font-size:3pt;line-height:100%'>Hopefully someone will see where I was going with this</span>
Most original joke evar coming up guys, prepare yourselves!!!
Nothing to do with the quality of parenting, don't be daft!
How long have you been going out with her? Was she like this when you started going out with her or has she only recently been like this? Has anything in her life changed about the same time her personality change? Its always best to find the source of the problem (if there is one).
However, chances are there isn't any reason for it in which case you have two options.
a) Stick with her, there probably isn't really anything you can say or do to improve her opinion about herself except be there for her, don't tell her shes means the world to you, show her! (Ok, you can tell her too but make sure you aren't just saying it).
b) Break up with her, ok so she's down and you may make her worse for awhile but if your hearts not in it then you will just bring yourself down instead. A friend of mine went out with a girl for 9 months, lovely girl and a genius too (literally was, stupidly high IQ) but incredibly depressed. He stuck with her but found that he couldn't do anything for her and she was just making him feel bad (everytime he met up with her he felt drained, made himself pretty sick actually). Eventually he broke up with her and she took it bad but didn't do anything stupid, now she is a bit older (20ish I think) and a perfectly happy and well adjusted individual.
Interesting point to think about, people are more attractive when they are happier, if she is really worried about her appearance tell her she's beautiful normally when shes smiles shes stunning, you know, 'lights up the room' etc. Might give her some motivation to at least fake happiness (and for a lot of people thats all they need, it can force them to look at things in a decent outlook so that they can 'act happy'. She just needs a new perspective.
Finally, guys... stop being so insensitive, you aren't normally this bad for these kind of topics. Some of the comments were amusing but the vast majority were just childish and completely unneccesary.
First, don't feed her compliments forever. She will grow to rely on them, if she isn't relying on them already.
This will lead to two things, singly or both together. One is that removing the compliments removes the self esteem. The other is that continual compliments will make you feel like you are always "giving" to the relationship whereas she will count these comments as part and parcel of the relationship.
These both lead into the same sort of territory - resentment. You either resent the fact she trapped you into having to continually make compliments, or that you're always giving and getting no appreciation in return.
Which moves into the final few stages - hatred. You will come to despise her for having leeched compliments out of you, with nothing to show for it, and even after x months/years of doing it you STILL have to keep complimenting her.
Solution, break the cycle. Teach her her own self worth, because not everyone is going to be as appreciative of a constant emotional drain, and noone actually enjoys living AS a constant emotional drain. If she sets the bar too high for herself, then talk her down. Some people set themselves high goals and feel worthless if they do not achieve them. However, if she feels the need to live up to OTHERS expectations then make her judge herself on her own merit. Understand the difference between setting a high bar for oneself and judging oneself by the standards of others.
If you can't do that, then get out while you can, while the emotional damage done will be largely negligible. A nice clean break. Better that than a year or two down the line and telling her you're f-ing sick of her whiny etc etc etc. You may think you won't say it but sooner or later you will.
Hope the wisdom helps.
Actually theres only one way to please a woman, and unforunately you don't have a large bank account.