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DragonMech
Join Date: 2003-09-19 Member: 21023Members, Constellation, Reinforced - Shadow
Join Date: 2003-09-19 Member: 21023Members, Constellation, Reinforced - Shadow
in Off-Topic
<div class="IPBDescription">Lend me your humor!</div> A few days ago, I was at work (GASP!) and was by the phone when it rang. I pick it up and, in a flash of comedy brilliance, answer it in my best redneck voice by saying:
"Bubba's Big Guns! Ya shoot dat critter and it don' die yew git yer money back!"
I proceed to send the caller on the other end of the line into a laughing fit lasting about 5 minutes. Once he had calmed down I realized it was John. John is my boss, and the <i>biggest</i> redneck/Jeff Foxworthy fan on the planet.
Now all of a sudden I've been assigned to work the Classic section of the cafeteria, instead of the cashier station where I'm normally at. The Classic section is where the phone is at. Apparently John wants me to start answering the phone more often. As humorously as possible. Now this isn't really a problem, except for one thing:
I'm running out of phone pick-up lines.
This is where you guys come in: I need every funny way you know of to answer the phone - redneck jokes recieve extra points. Lay 'em on me.
"Bubba's Big Guns! Ya shoot dat critter and it don' die yew git yer money back!"
I proceed to send the caller on the other end of the line into a laughing fit lasting about 5 minutes. Once he had calmed down I realized it was John. John is my boss, and the <i>biggest</i> redneck/Jeff Foxworthy fan on the planet.
Now all of a sudden I've been assigned to work the Classic section of the cafeteria, instead of the cashier station where I'm normally at. The Classic section is where the phone is at. Apparently John wants me to start answering the phone more often. As humorously as possible. Now this isn't really a problem, except for one thing:
I'm running out of phone pick-up lines.
This is where you guys come in: I need every funny way you know of to answer the phone - redneck jokes recieve extra points. Lay 'em on me.
Comments
"Larry's House of not-so-ill-repute! Our girls are ready to gitterdun 24/7!" (Blue Collar Comedy Tour>You)
"Bubba's Big Guns! Ya shoot dat critter and it don' die yew git yer money back!"
I proceed to send the caller on the other end of the line into a laughing fit lasting about 5 minutes. Once he had calmed down I realized it was John. John is my boss, and the <i>biggest</i> redneck/Jeff Foxworthy fan on the planet.
Now all of a sudden I've been assigned to work the Classic section of the cafeteria, instead of the cashier station where I'm normally at. The Classic section is where the phone is at. Apparently John wants me to start answering the phone more often. As humorously as possible. Now this isn't really a problem, except for one thing:
I'm running out of phone pick-up lines.
This is where you guys come in: I need every funny way you know of to answer the phone - redneck jokes recieve extra points. Lay 'em on me. <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
Oh man, I saw want to help but I am at a complete loss of lines. I'm sure someone here will think up some killer ones, or link to a good site.
<i>No...</i>
"Then give me a dollar!"
"Hello and welcome to Bob's Resturant. Our special today is Canned Woopass and we are sadly out of Mingus Dew."
Putting them on hold is fun to. See how long they stay there before hanging up. This is ofcourse if you feel like messing with spam callers or somebody you know.
Putting them on hold is fun to. See how long they stay there before hanging up. This is ofcourse if you feel like messing with spam callers or somebody you know. <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
Personally I would use that to fake the cash register being held at gun point. That might be fun. Then have someone yell "Hang up that **** phone, or I'll put 50 rounds into your head." Then hang up. Course if you do this to a good samaritan you might soon find the building surrounded by police.
What can I kil...do for you today?"
"Welcome to (where you work) - for service in English: Press 1...."
Then start speaking gibberish, or put them on hold, whatever you can think of.
Or say in an authoritative voice "The business you are trying to reach is currently under investigation by the Internal Revenue Service/ Dept. of Homeland Security. If you have conducted business with this group within the past 90 days, you must appear in court no later than [some date]"
"You've reached Dr. John's Rhinoplasty clinic. Be sure to ask about our seasonal Michael Jackson Special!"
<i>"Ask them how old they are and work from there!"</i>
<a href='http://www.ajokes.com/jokes/2261.html' target='_blank'>http://www.ajokes.com/jokes/2261.html</a>
All the funnier.
"Honey, these hyar bonzai trees need a waterin."
*nods*
...that was nice, btw.
"Area 51, can I help you?"
"Thank God someone called! They've gotten loose and AAGH-"
"You've reached [where you work]. This call may be monitored so we can blackmail you in the future."
"I'm sorry, I'm currently busy answering your call. Please call back once you hang up."
"Hola, hablas espanol usted?"
"You've reached 1945! If you would like to leave a message for one of your grandparents, I need a name and a vague location."
More later if you like these.
More later if you like these. <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
Si senior!
Keep them coming people, this stuff is great!
Hmm, at a radio station I listen to in the mornings while driving they ring those "call girls" and play Dr. Phil sound clips. *shrug* Pretty damn funny. Too bad I don't have some good quotes like these at the moment but I'll try to keep an eye out for them so I can post in the future.
"Wrong number, sorry."
"<b>I am your father.</b>"
"Great, you called, I was just about to call you. A train leaves Cincinatti travelling at 40 MPH and another leaves Hawaii at 20 MPH. At what point does the conductor on the train in Hawaii realize that he's under water?"
Just pick up the phone and wait.
"You've reached Echelon, the NSA's tool for monitoring all phone calls. Henceforth, all calls you make may be monitored."
"Welcome to Disneyland: Phone! You have entered the park. Which direction would you like to turn?"
"Hello, Comerade! You have reached Soviet Russia. In Soviet Russia, phone talk to you! What would you like to talk about?"
"It's [right now]. Do you know where your children are?"
Habla, not hablas. I generally don't bother correcting stuff, but if it actually gets used, it should be correct.
"Larry's House of not-so-ill-repute! Our girls are ready to gitterdun 24/7!" (Blue Collar Comedy Tour>You) <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
"My grandmother's covered with moles."
you can do this in the "hive" voice its even better
Master Sergeant Kelly here,
(pause for person to start to say "sorry wrong number")
Marine! What are you doing? Stop wasting time and get down to the EnPro Plant and retrieve that Key card! Thats an order.
That should get their attention. I believe I have some saved from that thread that was floating around ages ago, with the poser-bot talking to people.
<!--QuoteBegin--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin-->
why do you cling to the tyranny of the individual
do you not yearn to be included
why do you resist what we offer
why do you persist in your loneliness
do you not yearn to be free of your individualism
why do you not conform
why do you run from us
do you not yearn to be one of the many
why do you not yearn to be free
why do you not join in the splendor of our mass
why do you cling to your individualistic existance
why do you not join with the many
why do you resist what we have to offer you
why do you seek to resist us when we offer to include
why do you seek to divide when we seek to encompass
do you not feel the glory of our union
do you not feel the glory of the whole
why do you persist in your individual path
why do you shy away from the whole
do you not yearn to feel the glory of the bond
do you not yearn to be free of your tyrannical division
can you not feel the glory of the flesh?
<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Not so much funny as creepy, but it should be pretty good.
*best stoned voice* "Welcome to Vicodin land" (Blue Collar Comedy Tour guy <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/biggrin-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin-fix.gif' /><!--endemo--> )
"Welcome to Good Burger home of the Good Burger can I take ya order?"
"Thank you for calling the NORAD remote access line, if you wish to bomb Australia, press 1 now..."
*all the rest are in your best military voice*
"NORAD control, Mr. President..."
"SGC Cafateria..."
"Fort Knox Withdrawl terminal..."
"Secret Time Travel Lab, we're out so leave a message and we'll get back to you yesterday"
"Mr. Clinton's Pornography storage.."
"President's Offical Ball Pit"
Best name ever <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/biggrin-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
This should be one of the easter eggs for when a marine is in a hive and there are at least 3 onos in the server <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/biggrin-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->