A guy goes to a house to ask for a place to sleep, and is at the door greeted by an old chinese couple and their quite good-looking daughter. The man says that he can sleep in the house for the night, but only if he promises not to sleep with the daughter. Should he fail to obey this simple request, he will suffer the Three Chinese Tortures. The guy thanks him and goes to sleep on the living room couch. After a few hours however he gets up and goes upstairs to the girl's room, and finds his way into her bed.
Next morning when the guy wakes up he feels a strange pressure on his chest. He opens his eyes and sees a huge rock sitting on his chest. The rock has a note on it that says: "First Chinese Torture: Wake up with a large rock on your chest."
The guy picks the rock up and throws it out of the window. Then however he notices that there was another note under the rock. It says: "Second Chinese Torture: Have your right testicle tied to a large rock." Surely enough, the guy sees a string of rope going out of the window and quickly jumps out after the rock before the string tightens.
It's on the way down that he sees a third note attached to the side of the house that says: "Third Chinese Torture: Have your left testicle tied to a leg of the bed."
well how about a true story that reads like a bar joke?
My sister, a monk, and a nun walk into a pub. Later, the nun is tossing little bits of paper and even peas at the other two in a playful manner. Soon an elderly lady comes over and rebukes the nun for setting such a bad example. The nun apologizes many times and the lady walks away. After a while the lady returns and continues to rebuke the nun for her earlier actions and again the nun apologizes. After a couple more times of this the nun turns to my sister and the monk and says "B***!" To this the monk replies, "Is your apology sincere sister?"
If you're wondering the significance of my sister's presence, remember this is a true story, I had to find out about it somehow.
Don't worry, bad. If they find it offensive they can edit your post. <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif' /><!--endemo-->
Here's another joke.
A lawyer sits down next to an engineer on a plane flight. The engineer seems to be staring out the window out of boredom. "Hello there. You seem to look bored. I have a proposition for you."
The engineer doesn't bother to turn to him.
"You ask me a question. If I don't get the right answer, I'll give you 100 dollars. Then I ask you a question, and if you don't get the right answer, you give me 100 dollars."
The engineer looks at him blankly and then turns back towards the window.
A little while later, the lawyer decides to try again. "Okay fine. If I don't get the right answer, I'll give you 1000 dollars, whereas you only have to give me 100 if you miss yours."
The engineer turns around. "Very well then. Ask away."
"What is the 4th clause of the 22nd amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America?"
The engineer reaches in his wallet and pulls out a 100 dollar bill and gives it to the lawyer. "Okay, here's my question. What walks on 3 legs, sleeps on 5, and runs on 1?"
The lawyer thought and thought. He opened his laptop, did research on the internet. Called his friends using the plane phones.
Several hours later, the lawyer throws his hands up in the air and says, "I give up. I don't know." He passes over 1000 dollars to the engineer who then proceeds to place them in his wallet. "So what walks on 3 legs, sleeps on 5, and runs on 1?"
The engineer reaches for his wallet, and gives the lawyer 100 dollars and continues looking out the window.
A British doctor says: Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a brain out of one man, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.
A German doctor says: That's nothing, we can take a brain out of one person, put it in another and have him preparing for war in four weeks.
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says: You guys are way behind, we just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work, and the other half is preparing for war.
ThansalThe New ScumJoin Date: 2002-08-22Member: 1215Members, Constellation
Priest and a Rabbi walk in to a bar: "OW!" "OY!"
It is also amusing seeing different jokes aimed at different nationalities and such (for instance, Inf, where are you from agian? As you jokes are normaly told as 'polish' jokes in the US <!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif' /><!--endemo-->)
<!--QuoteBegin-Zig+Feb 14 2004, 06:38 PM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> (Zig @ Feb 14 2004, 06:38 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--> ever hear of the polish submarine? you know.. the one with the screen door.
ever hear of the polish flashlight? it's solar-powered. <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd--> Sad thing is, there really are <a href='http://www.solareagle.com/sunmate_flash.html' target='_blank'>solar powered flashlights</a> (although that one's at least got batteries).
Yes, I've decided to resurrect the holy "Cheesy Bar Jokes" thread. There's some comedy gold in here, and I don't want it to go the way of the flying penguin mobile...or something.
...that, and Gadzuko killed it. Just did a drive-by on it in the middle of the suburbs and it fell in the middle of the lawn. The ambulance has finally arrived!
[now with racy, out of date political satire!] <!--QuoteBegin--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin-->Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The bartender replied, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"
Bush said, "We're planning World War III."
The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 5 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"
Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 5 million Afghans!" <!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
[Some quotes for you guys, not sure if they're all perfectly true]
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)
"And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan." George Burns
"I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change." George W. Bush (Governor), 5/22/98
<!--QuoteBegin--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin-->A regular patron with two swollen blackeyes enters a bar and the bartender says to him, "Whoa, who gave those beauties to you!?"
The man replies,"Nobody gave them to me, I had to fight like crazy for both of them." <!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
There, some thread CPR. <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/biggrin-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
I got this text message a few days ago. It went something like this:
Alright mate, hows it going? Do you have any plans for the weekend? We are planning ono making the world's largest pancake, we've got plenty of cooks, we just need a tosser.
Comments
<span style='color:white'>Tricky question. Maybe you'd best PM it and I'll give you the verdict.</span>
Next morning when the guy wakes up he feels a strange pressure on his chest. He opens his eyes and sees a huge rock sitting on his chest. The rock has a note on it that says: "First Chinese Torture: Wake up with a large rock on your chest."
The guy picks the rock up and throws it out of the window. Then however he notices that there was another note under the rock. It says: "Second Chinese Torture: Have your right testicle tied to a large rock." Surely enough, the guy sees a string of rope going out of the window and quickly jumps out after the rock before the string tightens.
It's on the way down that he sees a third note attached to the side of the house that says: "Third Chinese Torture: Have your left testicle tied to a leg of the bed."
My sister, a monk, and a nun walk into a pub.
Later, the nun is tossing little bits of paper and even peas at the other two in a playful manner.
Soon an elderly lady comes over and rebukes the nun for setting such a bad example.
The nun apologizes many times and the lady walks away.
After a while the lady returns and continues to rebuke the nun for her earlier actions and again the nun apologizes.
After a couple more times of this the nun turns to my sister and the monk and says "B***!"
To this the monk replies, "Is your apology sincere sister?"
If you're wondering the significance of my sister's presence, remember this is a true story, I had to find out about it somehow.
Here's another joke.
A lawyer sits down next to an engineer on a plane flight. The engineer seems to be staring out the window out of boredom.
"Hello there. You seem to look bored. I have a proposition for you."
The engineer doesn't bother to turn to him.
"You ask me a question. If I don't get the right answer, I'll give you 100 dollars. Then I ask you a question, and if you don't get the right answer, you give me 100 dollars."
The engineer looks at him blankly and then turns back towards the window.
A little while later, the lawyer decides to try again. "Okay fine. If I don't get the right answer, I'll give you 1000 dollars, whereas you only have to give me 100 if you miss yours."
The engineer turns around. "Very well then. Ask away."
"What is the 4th clause of the 22nd amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America?"
The engineer reaches in his wallet and pulls out a 100 dollar bill and gives it to the lawyer. "Okay, here's my question. What walks on 3 legs, sleeps on 5, and runs on 1?"
The lawyer thought and thought. He opened his laptop, did research on the internet. Called his friends using the plane phones.
Several hours later, the lawyer throws his hands up in the air and says, "I give up. I don't know." He passes over 1000 dollars to the engineer who then proceeds to place them in his wallet. "So what walks on 3 legs, sleeps on 5, and runs on 1?"
The engineer reaches for his wallet, and gives the lawyer 100 dollars and continues looking out the window.
A British doctor says:
Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a brain out of
one man, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.
A German doctor says:
That's nothing, we can take a brain out of one person, put it in
another and have him preparing for war in four weeks.
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says:
You guys are way behind, we just took a man with no brain out of
Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking
for work, and the other half is preparing for war.
</petpeeve>
Carry on with jokes.
"OW!"
"OY!"
It is also amusing seeing different jokes aimed at different nationalities and such (for instance, Inf, where are you from agian? As you jokes are normaly told as 'polish' jokes in the US <!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif' /><!--endemo-->)
ever hear of the polish flashlight? it's solar-powered.
ever hear of the polish flashlight? it's solar-powered. <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
Sad thing is, there really are <a href='http://www.solareagle.com/sunmate_flash.html' target='_blank'>solar powered flashlights</a> (although that one's at least got batteries).
...that, and Gadzuko killed it. Just did a drive-by on it in the middle of the suburbs and it fell in the middle of the lawn. The ambulance has finally arrived!
[now with racy, out of date political satire!]
<!--QuoteBegin--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin-->Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The bartender replied, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"
Bush said, "We're planning World War III."
The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 5 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"
Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 5 million Afghans!" <!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
[Some quotes for you guys, not sure if they're all perfectly true]
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)
"And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
George Burns
"I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."
George W. Bush (Governor), 5/22/98
<!--QuoteBegin--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin-->A regular patron with two swollen blackeyes enters a bar and the bartender says to him, "Whoa, who gave those beauties to you!?"
The man replies,"Nobody gave them to me, I had to fight like crazy for both of them."
<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
There, some thread CPR. <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/biggrin-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->
Alright mate, hows it going? Do you have any plans for the weekend? We are planning ono making the world's largest pancake, we've got plenty of cooks, we just need a tosser.
<!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/biggrin-fix.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin-fix.gif' /><!--endemo-->