Cheesy Bar Jokes
BadKarma
The Advanced Literature monsters burned my house and gave me a 7 Join Date: 2002-11-12 Member: 8260Members
The Advanced Literature monsters burned my house and gave me a 7 Join Date: 2002-11-12 Member: 8260Members
in Off-Topic
Tell em if you got em. I got two here.
George Bush, The Pope, Jesse Jackson and a boyscout are in a plane over the Grand Canyon. The pilot comes back very scared and tells them they'll have to bail out. He takes a parachute and bails. The four people look at the three remaining chutes. The Pope speaks up.
"We'll have to decide who really needs to go."
George Bush speaks.
"Well im the leader of the world's most powerful nation, my people need me."
"Very well." says the Pope, and Bush bails.
Jesse Jackson says.
"Well im the most educated black man in America, my people need me."
"Very well." says the Pope, and Jackson bails.
Now the Pope turns to the young boy.
"I think you should take it young man"
"No sir, there's no need."
The Pope, very adamant.
"No no, I am an old man, you are young and have a life to live."
"No sir, there's no need."
"Why then my son?"
"Because the most educated black man in America just jumped out with my backpack."
Number Two.
Two hunters in the woods, just walking along. Suddenly, one of them trips and shoots his freind in the leg. As his friend falls, he hits his head on a rock, knocking him out. Terrified, the hunter takes out his cell phone and calls 911. The operator picks up, asks what the problem is. The hunter says "I just shot my friend, I think he's dead I don't know what to do!" The operator tells him to calm down, the first thing he has to do is make sure his friend is dead. The operator hears him put the phone down, then a moment later heres a single rifle shot. The hunter comes back and says "Now what?"
George Bush, The Pope, Jesse Jackson and a boyscout are in a plane over the Grand Canyon. The pilot comes back very scared and tells them they'll have to bail out. He takes a parachute and bails. The four people look at the three remaining chutes. The Pope speaks up.
"We'll have to decide who really needs to go."
George Bush speaks.
"Well im the leader of the world's most powerful nation, my people need me."
"Very well." says the Pope, and Bush bails.
Jesse Jackson says.
"Well im the most educated black man in America, my people need me."
"Very well." says the Pope, and Jackson bails.
Now the Pope turns to the young boy.
"I think you should take it young man"
"No sir, there's no need."
The Pope, very adamant.
"No no, I am an old man, you are young and have a life to live."
"No sir, there's no need."
"Why then my son?"
"Because the most educated black man in America just jumped out with my backpack."
Number Two.
Two hunters in the woods, just walking along. Suddenly, one of them trips and shoots his freind in the leg. As his friend falls, he hits his head on a rock, knocking him out. Terrified, the hunter takes out his cell phone and calls 911. The operator picks up, asks what the problem is. The hunter says "I just shot my friend, I think he's dead I don't know what to do!" The operator tells him to calm down, the first thing he has to do is make sure his friend is dead. The operator hears him put the phone down, then a moment later heres a single rifle shot. The hunter comes back and says "Now what?"
Comments
heheh..
hehehheheheh....
Three guys decide to go trespassing on a farm for fun one night. They look for some cows to tip but don't see any animals around so they decide to leave, but on their way out they are confronted by the farmer who points his shotgun at them
"Don't move" Says the farmer
The three guys freeze and beg the farmer not to shoot them
"Ok I won't shoot you if you do what I say. Go out to my garden and pick three of your favorite fruits and came back here."
So the guys not wanting to be blasted by the farmer head off into the garding, a few minutes later the first guy comes back with three cherries.
"Alright," says the farmer "Stick those cherries up your butt or I'll shoot you."
The guy is confused but does it, a few moments later the second guy comes back with three plumbs, the farmer tells him the same thing. As he's doing it he starts cracking up, by the time he's finished he's laughing so hard the farmer has to know what's going on.
"Hey, why are you laughing you just crambed three plumbs up your butt."
"My friend's picking watermellons"
asian explorer, british explorer, and american explorer meet up in the jungle. after a while, they're captured by natives.
native chief: you three are dead men. we will sacrifice you, and save your skin to line our canoes.
british: well if we're destined to be boats.. might i have one last request?
chief: what is it.
british: would you allow us to kill ourselves? i'd rather not die stuck like a pig on the end of a stick.
chief: alright. how will you die?
the british explorer asks for his pistol, with a single bullet in it. he shoots himself in the head to save his dignity. chief turns to the asian explorer.
chief: how will you die?
asian guy asks for his sword, and commits hara-kiri to save his honor. chief turns to the american explorer.
chief: how will you die?
american guy asks for a fork. he proceeds to stab himself repeatedly all over, screaming "F*** YOUR CANOES, F*** YOUR CANOES!!!"
Knowing they will never make it out of the desert if they are heavily burdened, they each decide to take 1 object with them so that they each may share it.
The Englishman walks up to the Jeep, and takes a backpack full of food. "For when we get hungry" he says to the other two.
The Scotsman walks up to the Jeep, and takes several canteens full of water. "For when we get thirsty." he says to the other two.
The Irishman walks up to the Jeep, and rips the door off it's hinge. He walks back to the other two and the Englishman exclaims. "Why did you take the door?"
"In case we get hot, I can wind down the window."
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are out in the desert when they are captured by a group of Arabs. Their leader tells them they are to all be executed tomorrow morning.
That night in the gallows, the Scotsman reveals that this particular bunch of Arabs scare quite easily. So he lets the other two in on his plan...
The next day the Scotsman is lined up in front of the firing squad. The Arab leader starts up. "READY! AIM!..."
"EARTHQUAKE!" Screams the Scotsman, and escapes while the Arabs are all scared and confused.
Next they line up the Englishman in front of the firing squad. "READY! AIM!"
"TORNADO!" Screams the Englishman, and escapes while the Arabs are all scared and confused.
Lastly they line up the Irishman in front of the firing squad. "READY! AIM!"
"FIRE!"
A man walks into a bar and there's a sign on the counter next to a donkey. It reads "Make the donkey laugh and win $10,000"
The man walks up to the bar and asks the bartender "Is that for real?" The bartender tells him it is. The man then walks up to the donkey and whispers something in it's ear. The Donkey starts laughing hysterically.
"I believe you owe me $10,000"
"Very well" says the Bartender as he hands over the money and watches the man casually walk out of the bar."
The next year the same man walks back into the bar and sees another sign next to the donkey. This time it reads "Make the donkey cry and win $100,000"
Again the man asks if the sign is for real and again the bartender tells him it is.
"Can I take your donkey out the backroom for a moment" the man asks.
"Certainly" says the bartender and the donkey is led out the backroom.
A minute later the man and the donkey walks back in. This time the donkey is bawling it's head off.
"I believe you owe me $100,000" says the man.
"Very well, but first you must tell me how you made my donkey laugh the first time and cry the second time" enquires the bartender
"Oh that's easy" laughs the man. "The first time I told him my d1ck was bigger than his and the second time I proved it."
I have more... but I gotter remember the... 'less' vulgar ones.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender takes one look at him and says "why the long face?"
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar and the bartender takes one look at them and says "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
An englishman, an american, a finn, a swede and a norseman ((mm, these scandinavian nationality words are weird)) are on a plane. Suddenly the pilot's voice sounds from the speakers and says: "One of the plane's engines has been damaged and we're losing altitude. Someone has to jump. You have no time to get a parachute."
Everyone is quiet for a few seconds. Then the englishman opens the plane door and jumps, shouting "Long live the Queen!" as he goes.
The pilot's voice sounds again. "We're still losing altitude, someone else has to jump."
Everyone is quiet for a few seconds again. Then the american jumps out of the door, shouting "Long live freedom!"
Again, the pilot's voice sounds: "Almost there, but unfortunately we still need one of you to jump."
Again a brief silence. Then the finn and the norseman grab the swede and shove him out of the door, shouting "Long live nordic cooperation!"
ok, here's a classic new york joke.
3 guys are on a road trip. one's a new yorker, one's a mexican, one's from florida.
the mexican guy (who's driving) says, "hey, guys.. the tires are losing air. chuck some stuff you don't need." he proceeds to pick up a bag and heave it out. "don't need those stinkeen tacos, got enough of them back home anyway."
the new yorker takes a sack and drops it out the window. "oi, don't need those bagels. plenty of them back home anyway."
the floridian opens the door and boots the New Yorker out. "don't need that guy. too many of them back home anyway."
if you didn't get it, florida is a popular vacation spot for holidaying aging new yorkers...
<span style='color:white'>Edited to avoid political correctness controversies.</span>
A French, a German, and a Soviet-Russian are being captured by cannibales. They're told they're all going to be eaten, but may have a last wish.
The French wants to write a letter to his girlfriend, and gets paper and pen.
The German wants to drink a last beer - and is handed a glassfull, salvaged from one of the former captitives.
The Soviets requests a kick in the backside. His captors are baffled and ask him whether he wouldn't want something else for his last wish, but he insists, and so, he gets kicked. Suddenly, he takes an AK out and kills the whole tribe.
The saved French and German run to him, thanking him. But after a while, they start asking why he didn't shoot earlier. Slightly insulted, the Russian explains: "Soviets - never the aggressors!"
--
What happens if you send twenty Republican economic advisors into the desert?
For the first two weeks, nothing.
Then, the sand starts running out...
The French wants to write a letter to his girlfriend, and gets paper and pen.
The German wants to drink a last beer - and is handed a glassfull, salvaged from one of the former captitives.
The Soviets requests a kick in the backside. His captors are baffled and ask him whether he wouldn't want something else for his last wish, but he insists, and so, he gets kicked. Suddenly, he takes an AK out and kills the whole tribe.
The saved French and German run to him, thanking him. But after a while, they start asking why he didn't shootearlier. Slightly insulted, the Russian explains: "Soviets - never the aggressors!" <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
That made me laugh <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif' /><!--endemo-->
And the mushroom goes "But why, I'm a fun guy"
: a canadian an american and an australian walk into a bar, they all order a shot. the american downs his shot, then pulls out a gun, throws the shot-glass into the air and blows it apart. he then says "in america, we're so rich we never have to drink out of the same glass twice." the australia drinks his shot and then takes the americans gun, throws his shot-glass into the air and blows it apart. and says " in australia we've got so much sand, glass is cheap and plentiful, we never have to drink out of the same one twice." The canadian then proceeds to down his shot, takes the americans gun, then shoots the american. then casually tells the australian " in canada, we've got so many americans, you never have to drink with the same one twice."
(a little similar to another joke in here, but my favourite nonetheless <!--emo&:p--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/tounge.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='tounge.gif' /><!--endemo-->)
(ish a canadian, living in australia and looooves making fun of yanks)
Let's see... what can I pull out of my collossal repository...
Oh, yes...
This one gets more elaborate each time I tell it, and it's great delivered live, with the actions and the accents. What the hell, I'll stick the accents in anyway <!--emo&:)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/smile.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='smile.gif' /><!--endemo-->.
A samurai walks into a bar, decked out in shining bronze armour. He walks up to the bar and declares: "I am tird best samulai in all Japan! Give me a dlink!". The bartender raises an eyebrow, and says "Tell you what. Prove that you're the third best samurai in all Japan and I'll give you your drink for free."
"Observe fry!", says the samurai (pointing at it). He unsheathes his katana in one lightning fast movement, and then re-sheathes his sword. The fly falls dead on the bar in two perfectly cut pieces.
The bartender is very impressed, and gives the samurai his drink.
Shortly afterwards another samurai walks into the bar, decked out in shining silver armour. He walks up to the bar and declares: "I am second best samulai in all Japan! Give me a dlink!". The bartender raises an eyebrow, and says "I'll tell you what. Prove that you're the second best samurai in all Japan and I'll give you your drink for free."
"Observe fry!", says the samurai (pointing at it). He unsheathes his katana in one lighting fast movement, slashes, and then re-sheathes his sword. The fly falls dead on the bar in four perfectly cut pieces.
The bartender is very impressed, and gives the samurai his drink.
Finally, another samurai enters the bar decked out in shining golden armour. He walks up to the bar and declares: "I am best samulai in all Japan! Give me a dlink!". The bartender rolls his eyes and says "Ok, ok, prove you're the best samurai in all Japan and I'll give you your drink for free."
"Observe fry!", says the samurai (pointing at it). He unsheathes his katana in one lightning fast movement. His blade becomes a blur as he slashes and slashes in complex patterns around the fly. The samurai re-sheathes his sword, and the fly simply flies away, aparently unharmed.
"Now wait a second," says the bartender. "What the hell was that? The third best samurai cut his fly into two perfect pieces. The second best samurai cut his fly into four perfect pieces. You didn't even touch yours!"
Says the samurai: "Ah! Not so! Fry now Jewish!"
SLAP
I'm Rick James, b**ch.
<!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif' /><!--endemo-->
SLAP
I'm Rick James, b**ch.
<!--emo&:D--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif' /><!--endemo--> <!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd-->
Nice postcount <!--emo&;)--><img src='http://www.unknownworlds.com/forums/html//emoticons/wink.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='wink.gif' /><!--endemo-->
(don't answer that, or you'll ruin it!)
[edit]Gah! Too late![/edit]
Three guys decide to go trespassing on a farm for fun one night. They look for some cows to tip but don't see any animals around so they decide to leave, but on their way out they are confronted by the farmer who points his shotgun at them
"Don't move" Says the farmer
The three guys freeze and beg the farmer not to shoot them
"Ok I won't shoot you if you do what I say. Go out to my garden and pick three of your favorite fruits and came back here."
So the guys not wanting to be blasted by the farmer head off into the garding, a few minutes later the first guy comes back with three cherries.
"Alright," says the farmer "Stick those cherries up your butt or I'll shoot you."
The guy is confused but does it, a few moments later the second guy comes back with three plumbs, the farmer tells him the same thing. As he's doing it he starts cracking up, by the time he's finished he's laughing so hard the farmer has to know what's going on.
"Hey, why are you laughing you just crambed three plumbs up your butt."
"My friend's picking watermellons" <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
umm i heard that differently..
three men are stranded on an island and are caught by some natives..
they are isntantly taken to the cheif who plans to kill them for tresspassing on such territories.
the three men beg for their lives to be spared, so the cheif thinks ofr a while
"alright you must og into the jungle and each grab a pile of fruit, each must grab a different sort"
the first man comes back with a pile of apples
"alright now stick them up your butt" the cheif says,
the man starts to do so but has trouble, he is killed.
the second man comes back with a pile of cherries
the cheif also tells the second man to stick them up his butt or be killed.
The man proceeds to, easily putting them up hiss but, he got up to his last cherry when all of a sudden he burst out laughing, he laughed so much he fell to the floor.
unimpressed the cheif has him killed.. the second man meets up with the first man in heaven, the first man says to him "why the hell did you start laughing? you almost finished!"
the second man finally stopped laughing and replied "I seen the third guy coming back with pineapples"
^ thats the version i heard,, i find it more funny
an old woman woke up everymorning to her husbands terrible rip curling farts in bed, she would have to get out of bed to escape the smell and it was absolutely annoying, she would tell him to stop this filthy habit, but he would just laugh at her. she warns him everyday that if he continues he will one day fart his guts out. The old man just laughs at her and tells her it is impossible..
on thanksgiving day, the lady was awake preparing the turkey roast whilst her husband was asleep, she was guttign the turkey when she had a great idea.. picking up the turkey guts she quietly walked up the stairs into their room and gently placed the turkey guts into her husbands pants and returned ot the turkey roast.
a few minutes later she hears the normal rip curling fart, then all of a sudden she hears a scream and what sounded like a monster racing into the bathroom. laughing to herself the woman thought "that will teach him"..
an hour passes and her husband walks down the stairs slightly shaken and pale . the woman acts innocent and asks "why what has caused you to scream like that?" she asked, trying not to laugh.
her husband looked at her and put his arms on her shoulders "my god dear you warned me one day i would fart my guts out, adn today it happened, but thank god with a miracle and these two fingers, i managed to put them back in!"
Out comes this cloud of smoke which forms into a humanoid shape.
The genie says, "Greetings."
The man says, "Oh good! Does this mean I get 3 wishes?!"
The genie replies, "Well, I'm an apprentice genie, so you only get one. What do you wish?"
The man says, "Well I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid of flying. Could you build me a bridge that goes all the way from California to Hawaii?"
The genie crosses his arms and says, "A bridge?! You know the logistics of that?! Think about how many tons of concrete it would take to build something like that!? Please, give me an easier task."
The man says, "Oh well.. okay then. well, ever since I was a child, I always wondered what it would be like to be able to understand women in their entirety."
The genie responds, "Would you like that bridge in two lanes or four?"
They stop at a stop light and all of the sudden a vampire bat jumps from the side of the road and sticks to the windshield and starts trying to bite through the glass.
The nun in the passenger seat says "Quick accelerate maybe it will make him fall off!"
So the nun that is driving floors the car and they shoot down the road, but the bat manages to remain on the windshield.
"Trying the windshield wipers, I filled the sprayer up with holy water at the last rest stop!"
So the nun that is driving hits the windshield wiper button and the holy water sprays onto the vampire creating a horrible sizzling sound and the wipers bash it from side to side, but still the bat holds on still biting at the glass.
The nun that is driving gets an idea and says "Quick show him your cross"
So the passenger nun rolls down her window, sticks her head out and yells at the bat: "GET THE **** OFF OF OUR CAR"