Oh, such good times. Me and my parasite, we go everywhere together. Well, literally. I mean, it's not like I can remove it, really. There are methods, of course, but premature death does not sound appealing. We're buddies for life.
I remember it as if it were yesterday. That's pretty unsettling actually, because it was only a few minutes ago. Do these parasites try to make you forget that you have them? I mean, it certainly makes sense. Or maybe they just make it hard for you to concentrate on something without - what's that word? You know, when you start talking about something, then start talking about something else? Do you know those situations where you know the first two or three letters of a word, then have to leaf through a dictionary to find it? But I digress. Digress! There's the word. Now where was I?
Yeah, it was just a few minutes ago. A Skulk popped around a corner and disappeared again before we could get a shot at it. I felt an odd tingly stinging sensation, like a wasp sting or so. The Commander dropped me a medpack and Flint whipped out his welder and repaired my barely scratched armor, so I'm good. I still feel normal...
But there's that little word at the bottom of my HUD. Parasited. It won't go away. I asked the Commander for another medpack in case that might resolve the problem, but everybody says that won't do anything. "How about catpacks then?" I ask. "We don't have those researched yet and they wouldn't help anyway" I'm told. "There's nothing that you can do?" I ask. "Nope" is the answer I get, "now make yourself useful."
Make myself useful? There's an alien lifeform crawling around somewhere inside me! Where's the medic? Where's the field lazaret? This is the third millenium! We're not fighting a peasant war here, we're supposed to be a highly skilled professional military outfit!
This parasite is nothing new to me, you gotta understand. I mean, to me, personally, it's new. I mean, I've never had a parasite before. Well, I had lice in the third grade, but they can be killed off with special shampoo. Do you think I should ask the Commander for a shampoo? No, he'd probably just get sarcastic and ask me whether I want a bag of dum-dums with that. Where was I?
Right, I've never had a Kharaa parasite before. But i've seen other people get 'em. And they always seem to be dogged by bad luck. The instant you turn your back on them, something with a nasty bite drops out of a vent or emerges from the shadows or falls from the ceiling and rips them to shreds.
Bad luck? Yeah right! You ask me, the blasted critters know where they left their parasites. Ugh, I feel so unclean. Think they can smell them? I dunno, but they know where the parasites are. And they know that I'm right here. They're probably lurking nearby, waiting for me to get close. They're probably drooling as well. You ever wonder how Skulks and Lerks attack with their bite, but only Onos ever seem to eat? Maybe they're saving their appetites for when were all dead, for some sort of gigantic feast. Ugh. The though of a Gorge snacking on me is not appealing, you know? It'll probably turn my fleshier parts into sludge and build a nice gooey structure of indeterminate purpose from it. It's odd how they never tell you about this when you sign up. I knew I should've become a pilot.
So if you're reading this, Commander: Stuff your waypoint. I'm staying on the landing pad until the dropship returns.
Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed, dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side.
- George Carlin