Winning arguments NS forum style
Frustrated because you can’t win a discussion with rational thought and thoroughly researched facts. Tired of being put down by the true masters of argumentative conversation? Want to be one of the big guys, but don’t know how? Well, here’s your chance to get a glimpse at the tricks of the true genius behind the now closed discussion forum. Learn what made it so great.1. Odd Subject
Whenever you don’t know what the subject is or when you run out of arguments to effectively counter your opponents, simply refer to an Odd Subject. The subject doesn’t need to have anything to do with the discussion at hand, but serves merely the purpose to confuse your opponents and make you look smart by scratching the surface of more familiar topics you can easily win on every time.2. Swearing
Enhance your arguments, making excessive use of all those words which are * out anyway! It will show that you stand behind your ideas with all your heart and put a lot of emotion into the battle. As a bonus you can also curse your opponent showing you mean business.3. Quotes
Not only do quotes make you look smart, but they also provide almost infallible wisdom from people who know better anyway. Most used quote so far is by Albert Einstein “I don’t know which weapons WW3 will be fought with, but WW4 will be fought with sticks and stones!”, used to prove that war is always bad and we should get rid of all WoMD immediately.4. Prejudice
Nothing works better in horde of likeminded people to unite them under your flag then the use of good old prejudice. It is a very flexible technique since there is some sort of prejudice about almost every group of people ever to be discussed.5. Patriotism
Have a bunch of fellow citizens joining the other side of a discussion? Calling them unpatriotic works wonders? Simply call upon their national honor to unite them at your side.6. Religion
Make yourself immune to reason or any sort of argument through the spiritual shield only Religion can provide. This ability will bring you out untouched from most arguments, since there is no arguing about what a person believes and no way to prove you wrong.7. Contradiction
Suddenly noticing that all is not going to well for your side of an argument? Just leave the sinking ship with a clever remark like “That’s what I meant all along”. Notice though that you should never say you “Changed your opinion” as it will make you look less secure.8. Stubbornness
Simply ignoring what your opponent says is a sure way to show him that his arguments are nothing short of pointless. Not bothering to read them also saves you time and making him say the same thing over and over again will eventually tire him to a point where he gives up without much resistance.9. Nothing personal
Declaring even the worst accusations as Nothing Personal will shield you against a possible counteroffensive and will keep the moderators of your back. This is a passive ability that works very well when combined with Swearing.10. Ideals
Whenever you don’t have a valid argument and the discussion is about morals, simply appeal to the highest Ideals you can come up with. Nobody can argue that killing is bad or we should protect nature, so simplifying the subject to the point were is about good or bad everyone will have to join your side if they do not want to look like an inhuman monster.11.Generalisation
Labeling whole countries and kinds of people as “all the same” will make your arguments a lot easier to prove. You can also draw upon common misconceptions and many Prejudices to back up your point. This is one of the most used tactics in many discussions since talking about a whole group of people gives your arguments a feeling of size and importance.12. Spelling
When you run out of arguments it may also be a good idea to actually take the time to read the thoughts of your opponent, not to reply to them, but to point out mistakes in spelling, punctuation and grammar. This works especially well on foreign opponent who do not speak English as their first language.
It is also possible to use this ability to ridicule the opponent by pointing out that he used various words in the wrong context.13. Emotion/Apathy
Use strong emotions to back your arguments. Arguing on an emotional basis renders most opponents helpless since reason does not matter when you have emotions to rely on. When this approach fails you can try the Apathy path of reasoning, which works exactly the other way. Every human notion should be disregarded, basing all arguments purely on logic, e.g. two lives are worth more than one, no matter what. Both approaches make reasoning pointless.14. External Source
Never underestimate the power of a news article or a propaganda video. Linking to these will enhance your arguments, since you can prove that other people see it your way too. To counter External Sources of your opponent you can use Generalization, labeling them as biased one way or another.15. Sarcasm
Ridicule your opponent with a sarcastic remark. Not only will it make you look smart, but it will show everyone how ludicrous the argument was. You can either use the argument itself and turn it into a sarcastic version or just use a general sarcastic remark like “Of course, why didn’t I think about calling superman to solve the problem!”. Note that pointing out that you used sarcasm further ridicules your opponent.16. Last Word:
Everyone knows that whoever has the last word wins the discussion. Well, they can’t beat you if they can’t continue the argument. Last Word is puts everyone in their place, simply by ending the discussion, leaving you as the winner, since you had the last word. To use this ability however special powers are required like being a moderator locking the topic after having the last word. The real world equivalent power necessary to use last word would be physical superiority... they can’t talk if you beat ‘em senseless...17. Superiority:
This is a sure winner, although it is hard to achieve. Superiority will end any discussion immediately because your superior knowledge or experience will ridicule anything another person may have to say. Superiority is gained either through age, giving you the all powerful experience of old people, which cannot be countered, or by being a member of the group being discussed, which of course grants you insider info beyond reason. The only cutback is that superiority usually only applies to one discussion at a time, the exception being old age, which works every time.18. Pretence:
Don’t have superiority? Fear not, for there is the great ability of pretence! Just say you are a certain age or member of a certain group, granting you Superiority. Due to the nature of the internet it is almost impossible to prove you are pretending. Another bonus is the possibility to stack Pretence as often as you wish. True masters of Pretence are known to be members of next to every group known to man or have the experience of at least 2000 years.19. Satire:
Still can’t beat the Pros with all the tricks revealed? Just reach for the last resort, leave the discussion and ridicule all those you couldn’t prove wrong by writing a satiric documentation about all the many faces of your peril.20. Hypocrisy!
The most powerful ability of ‘em all. Whenever you seem to be at the receiving end just call your opponent a hypocrite. It is the most used finishing move and has thus far won every argument since there is no way prove this unbeatable accusation wrong. Never mind that no one really knows what it actually means, long live hypocrisy!The most powerful known combination:
Generalization (French, English, Teenagers)
Last Word(moderator and physical superiority, I guess)
Superiority (Old age, Ex-military, Computer Expert)
As a last advice, if you happen to find yourself using any or all of the above methods to win your discussions, you should stick to electronic communication. People using the provided tricks in the real world have been known to get seriously hurt. Users of ability 19 may also find themselves subject to certain punishments, even in the electronic world...
Since a few people pointed out that it was a lack of humor that killed the discussion forum, I guess I should point this out: All this was written as a purely humorous article. Similarities to actual people are of course intentional, but not out of spite, but in a comical way. So... bring it on!